Tag Archives: The Other Woman

SLEEPING ON THE SCREENPLAY

2 Jun

Carla Gallo as Lizzie on UNDECLARED on FOX.  ª©2001FOX BROADCASTING  CR:FOX

1. Maleficent/Disney                                         Wknd/$ 70.0      Total/$ 70.0
2. X-Men: Days of Future Past/Fox              Wknd/$ 32.6       Total/$ 162.1
3. A Million Ways To Die in the West           Wknd/$ 17.1        Total/$ 17.1
4.Godzilla/Warner                                            Wknd/$ 12.2       Total/$ 174.7
5. Blended/Warner                                           Wknd/$ 8.4         Total/$ 29.6
6. Neighbors/Universal                                   Wknd/$ 7.7          Total/$ 128.6
7. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony             Wknd/$ 3.8         Total/$ 192.7
8. Million Dollar Arm/Disney                        Wknd/$ 3.8         Total/$ 28.1
9. Chef/ORF                                                       Wknd/$ 2.0         Total/$ 6.9
10. The Other Woman/Fox                             Wknd/$ 1.4          Total/$ 81.1

YOU WON’T NEED A SPELL TO SLEEP FOR THIS ONE
Maleficent opens at number one and it takes a special talent (or lack thereof) to waste Angelina Jolie, a classic Disney character and $180M. Not to mention the interesting twist on the story of Sleeping Beauty that the king and Maleficent were once in love, hence her hatred of the child that could have easily have been hers. The movie even makes Maleficent the surrogate mother of the child, but never, ever deals with that aspect of it. In fact, their love is lost as she becomes “the good guy” and he just becomes “the bad guy.” Disney is very, very bad with gray, and so rushes back to their comfort zone of “black and white” “good and evil” whenever they can even though they insist Maleficent is both things. No. No, she’s not. If she and the king had been allowed to be both, then this would have been a much better film. The premise of the film is that there are neighboring kingdoms of fairy-folk and people and the people hated the fairy folk because they were living a much more awesome life and don’t have a king. Seriously. That’s the only reason. When the first king attacks and fails he promises his kingdom to the person who brings him the head of Maleficent. The man who has loved Maleficent from childhood sees this as a chance to rise in power but cannot bring himself to kill her, so only takes her wings as proof of her “death.” What the film overlooks is apparently he never attacked the fairylands again. A better film would have gone into the gray are of it possibly being a worthy sacrifice for her or his guilt over the betrayal that robs her of flight, but this isn’t a better film. This is a Disney film of sad absolutes and winds up being utterly disappointing and a waste of two hours of your life. Oh, it’s only 90 minutes, but it feels like two freaking hours because it’s that boring, which is the only thing worse than bad.

STRAIGHT TO THE BANK IS ALL THAT MATTERS
X-Men: Days of Future Past is down to number two, but it’s already at $500M worldwide so no one cares. Also returning for this is Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde, and you know she never thought she’d have to honor that multi-film contract after X-Men: The Last Stand. But given her recent coming out (which was news to those of you who are utterly clueless) a success like this couldn’t have come at a better time.

AND LIKE THE SIMPSONS, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL
A Million Ways to Die in the West opens at number three and apparently those adolescent fans (in body as well as mind) who love Seth McFarlane don’t so much love the sight of him. A voice on Family Guy or Ted? Sure. In person? Not so much. I’ve never been a fan of Family Guy. It’s basically The Simpsons for really, really, really stupid people. Who love penis jokes. And while there are clearly more of them than we ever imagined, not enough to beat out geeks and actual children at the box office. Though it only cost $40M to make, it’s doubtful this is going to make 3x its budget with a new Big Summer Movie coming out every week. And that makes me happy, because I’m not a really, really, really stupid fan of penis jokes.

NOT ALL GIANT MONSTERS ARE THE SAME. THEY’RE NOT! STOP LAUGHING!
Godzilla is down to number four and the director of this was the director of another monster film, called simply, Monsters. And while this worked out for the most part it just goes to show you the utterly simplistic thinking process of Hollywood. “Oh, he directed a low-key, moody film about giant monsters that nobody saw. Let’s give him $160M to make our big summer blockbuster about a monster that everyone wants to see.” It’s why Godzilla isn’t seen for the first 30 minutes and when he does it’s in quick glimpses…at night. Yeah, I’m still annoyed by that.

USUALLY IT’S VIRGIN/WHORE, BUT WE’RE JUMPING STRAIGHT TO WHORE HERE
Blended is down to number five, followed at number six by Neighbors and apparently Seth Rogen is giving work (he’s listed as a producer) to his fellow Apatow alum, Carla Gallo who also appears in this. I hope he treats her better than Apatow has done. Let me put it his way: since playing the female lead in Undeclared, her roles in Apatow films has been as “Toe Sucking Girl” (40 Year Old Virgin) “Gag Me Girl” (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and “Period Blood Girl” (Superbad). She was also the girl in Get Him To The Greek who used a dildo on Jonah Hill. I think that says it all.

‘CAUSE WHO UNDERSTANDS CHICKS? AMIRITE?
The Amazing Spider-Man is down to number seven followed by Million Dollar Arm at number eight and Chef holding on at number nine. As I said before, it’s good but not perfect and nowhere is that clearer than in the roles of the women. Scarlett Johansson is the fantasy hostess who supports and sleeps with Jon Favreau and is never seen again, while Sofia Vergara is the fantasy ex-wife who is nothing but supportive even while Favreau neglects their son time and time again. But that’s par the course with Favreau. If you remember Swingers, women weren’t fully formed there either. Come on, dude. You should be better at this by now.

BUT I STILL BLAME THE REST OF YOU MORE
Finally, The Other Woman closes out the top ten at number ten and at $172M worldwide from a $40M budget, Cameron Diaz is carving out a little niche for herself of successful, yet painfully mediocre comedies. What Happens in Vegas, Bad Teacher and now this. I don’t expect Sex Tape will be much better, but like most of these I will still be there hoping for the best. So, basically, even though I didn’t see The Other Woman, I’m part of the problem.

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SUCK IT, BRETT RATNER!

27 May

asm ks6

1. X-Men: Days of Future Past/Fox                    Wknd/$ 91.4        Total/$ 91.4
2. Godzilla/Warner                                                Wknd/$ 31.1         Total/$ 148.5
3. Blended/Warner                                                Wknd/$ 14.2         Total/$ 14.2
4. Neighbors/Universal                                         Wknd/$ 13.9        Total/$ 113.6
5. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony                  Wknd/$ 7.8          Total/$ 184.9
6. Million Dollar Arm/Disney                              Wknd/$ 7.0          Total/$ 20.5
7. The Other Woman/Fox                                     Wknd/$ 3.6          Total/$ 77.6
8. Rio 2/Fox                                                             Wknd/$ 2.5          Total/$ 121.5
9. Chef/ORF                                                             Wknd/$ 2.3          Total/$ 3.6
10. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                             Wknd/$ 2.1           Total/$ 85.2

Okay, let’s do this quickly. It’s a holiday…

SERIOUSLY, SUCK IT, BRETT RATNER
X-Men Days of Future Past opens at number one and this is based on the classic X-Men story of the same name where Kitty Pryde gets sent back through time from a horrible future to change things for the better and…wait a minute. It’s Wolverine here…and he’s got his metal claws back? How? And Professor X was a dead as he was at the end of X-Men: The Last Stand but he’s here? But you know what? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ve got a very good X-Men movie to watch with a plethora of characters all nicely done with solid performances. Don’t bother yourself with trying to match each film to the last one (the filmmakers sure as hell didn’t), just enjoy the film laid out before you. And, yes this more than makes up for the mess that was X-Men: The Last Stand. Maybe the third Wolverine movie will make up for those two previous episodes of crap. Yeah, I don’t believe that either.

HOW NICE OF THE STUDIO TO ASSUME EVERYONE IS A RACIST
Godzilla is down to number two and basically Ken Wantanabe is to this what Raymond Burr was to the original: a token to make the people in another country watch it. Just as no Japanese person would have given a crap about Raymond Burr (he’s not even in the original version, only its American release), not too many Americans care about Ken Wantanabe, but in Japan he’s a star. Sadly, he’s no more vital to this than Raymond Burr was to the original. He just kind of stands around and looks grim. He doesn’t even get to be the hero scientist who helps save the day like Matthew Broderick in the previous Hollywood version. Hell, Bryan Cranston contributes more and he’s only in it for 15 minutes. Hopefully they’ll give him more to do in the already announced sequel.

A LEGACY OF ANNOYING
Blended opens to scathing reviews at number three and you don’t even have to see it to know they’re accurate. It’s Adam Sandler. He’s been stinking up the screen for 20 years now. Did you think he’d somehow get better with age? The irony is that Neighbors is at number four and we see the torch was basically passed from Sandler to Rogen in a film called Funny People. So basically, while I’m glad to see Sandler finally (hopefully) fading away, there’s still an ugly dude I find unfunny onscreen.

THE REAL CRIME IS HOW DULL HE IS
The Amazing Spider-Man is down to number four and did you realize Jamie Foxx is in this. Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx? You know why? Because his character is instantly and utterly forgettable. It’s basically a rehash of Jim Carey’s Riddler in Batman Forever and that’s not a good thing. Unfortunately, they’ve announced a spin off film of all Spidey’s villains, called the Sinister Six and he’s one of them.

THREE OTHER MOVIES I’LL NEVER SEE
Million Dollar Arm is down to number six, followed by The Other Woman at number seven and Rio at number eight.

COOKIN’ UP A STORM
Entering the top ten at number nine is Chef the latest from Jon Favreau since he left or was booted from the director’s chair of Iron Man, depending on which rumor you believe. It’s probably a combination of both. If this is his middle finger to them, then they’ve lost creatively if not financially (Iron Man 3 was the highest grossing Iron Man film). It’s not a new story, but there are no new stories. It’s all in how you tell the old ones. Writing, directing and starring, Favreau is a chef in a creative rut under owner Dustin Hoffman. He’s no longer happy doing what he loves and it’s taking its toll on him personally and professionally. He’s not only divorced but neglecting the son who adores him. Finally, a confrontation with an influential blogger pushes him over the edge and he leaves to restart with a food truck. What makes this more of an indie film than a mainstream film is the time it takes to get to Favreau’s breakdown and his eventual rise from the ashes. His should fall by minute 30, spend 31-60 fighting back and 61 – 90 is his triumphant return. Not so here in this near two hour film where the time is used to make all these events feel more organic. Not to say it’s perfect. His comeback is effortless, lacking any real struggle and filled with hipster cameos and Sofia Vergara is just too perfect a loving, supportive ex-wife and not much more. Her role could have used a few more layers. But it’s clearly a film about a man who loves food directed by a man who loves food and its preparation is so lovingly depicted I left starving. There is no greater praise for a movie about cooking. Normally, I’d rip on a film showing Favreau being married to and now banging Scarlett Johansson, but unlike the masturbatory fantasy of John Turturro who is a gigolo hired by Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone for a threesome, you can believe this because Favreau shows his character being a great cook, first. His foreplay with Johansson is literally making a meal for her and you can understand why she or any other woman would bang him senseless. Hell, I’m ready to sleep with him after 2 hours of watching him cook.

SHUFFLE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL
Finally, Heaven is Real closes out the top ten at number ten.

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STILL THE KING!

19 May

don-johnson

1. Godzilla/Warner                                                 Wknd/$ 93.2     Total/$ 93.2
2. Neighbors/Universal                                         Wknd/$ 26.0     Total/$ 91.5
3. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony                  Wknd/$ 16.8      Total/$ 172.2
4. Million Dollar Arm/Disney                              Wknd/$ 10.5      Total/$ 10.5
5. The Other Woman/Fox                                     Wknd/$ 6.3        Total/$ 71.7
6. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                               Wknd/$ 4.4        Total/$ 82.2
7. Rio 2/Fox                                                              Wknd/$ 3.8       Total/$ 118.1
8. Captain America: The Winter Soldier            Wknd/$ 3.8        Total/$ 250.7
9. Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return                    Wknd/$ 2.0        Total/$ 6.6
10. Moms’ Night Out/TriS                                    Wknd/$ 1.9         Total/$ 7.3

GODZILLA VERSUS…THE PREVIOUS VERSION OF GODZILLA
Godzilla opens not all that unexpectedly at number one. I mean, partner a classic movie character (he is too!) with a currently hot respected actor (as opposed to say, Zac Efron) and you’ve got a movie that will bring in not just your regular genre fans some people who might have otherwise given this a pass. I can’t imagine how they felt when they realized he was only going to be in the movie for 15 minutes. Too bad! We already got your money, suckers! So honestly, most of the movie has to carried by that kid from Kick Ass. No, I’m not kidding. He plays Bryan Cranston’s son, who just happens to be a Naval officer who dismantles nuclear bombs (mom and dad worked at Japanese nuclear plant). Gee, think that might come in handy before the end of this film? Most people can’t help but use this as a tool to beat up the other Godzilla film from Hollywood, as if every Japanese film of a man in a rubber suit was some kind of work of art (why they stick to the suit and ignore CGI is something only the Japanese understand). It was just bad in a different way than most of them usually were. It’s also a guilty pleasure of mine. And honestly, this one repeats the same mistake of that one: waiting too long to show Godzilla then showing him mostly at night. At least this time there are two other monsters to fight (not Mothra, but his nasty cousin), but they still manage got give him less screen time than the Sony version. Yes, the human element does matter, but I really didn’t need so much time watching Kick Ass, his wife (the Olsen who’s not a twin) and their struggle to get back together (their home is in San Francisco which just so happens to be where all the monsters have decided to fight). It’s called Godzilla, not “A Family Reunites While Monsters Fight.” If fact, I needed it as about as much as we needed Matthew Broderick’s reporter girlfriend. And even she eventually played a role in doing something to stop the monsters in the end. Non Olsen Twin doesn’t even get to do that, though she’s nurse. At least have her save some people to warrant this screen time. But we do get Godzilla’s radioactive breath back. So there’s that.

PEOPLE WANT TO DISLIKE YOU. LET THEM.
Neighbors is down to number two and you know who needed this more than Seth Rogen? Zac Efron. Since graduating from the Disney Academy he’s been floundering in his attempts to be taken seriously to the point no one seems to realize that his previous film, That Awkward Moment, actually made a little money. The reality of previous failures, altered the perception of an actual success. But now not only has he gotten a hit, but he’s about to join the Marvel Comics money-making machine. Somewhere Vanessa Hudgens is pissed, having played a series of supposedly “image breaking” roles of bad girls. Next time, honey, do it for laughs. That’s the key. Here he plays a jerk pretty boy for laughs. Next time you play a funny hooker-stripper-runaway-slut.

WAIT? THE ACTOR’S NAME IS WHAT?
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is down to number three and is it just me or does this Dane DeHaan kid who plays Harry Osborn look like a younger, even more demented Leonardo DiCaprio. See, models? You don’t have to bang someone as old as your dad any more.

SPOILER ALERT. BUT NOT REALLY.
Million Dollar Arm opens at number four and while I don’t know much about baseball, I know there’s no one named Kinesh or Ghupta playing for the Yankees so how inspiring a true story can this be? Who wants to see a movie where the unlikely underdogs don’t win it all in the end?

DADDY VICE
The Other Woman is down to number five and Don Johnson shows up in this as Cameron Diaz’s father who starts dating Kate Upton. While I do loves me some Don Johnson and am enjoying this second half of his career where he’s playing dads (Kristen Bell’s dad, Jason Sudeikis’ dad, Danny McBride’s dad) this isn’t so much funny as fucking creepy, yet men seem to like to doing it. The “joke” at the end of No Strings Attached was that Lake Bell wound up dating Ashton Kutcher’s dad. Wasn’t funny then either.

BUT CAPTAIN AMERICA WILL NEVER DIE (HE CONTRACTED FOR SIX FILMS)
Heaven Is Real is down to number six, followed by Rio 2 at number seven and Captain America: The Winter Soldier drops to number eight and I wonder if they’re going to cough up a little more ad money to have it go out with a bang on Memorial Day weekend? Because you can see this big drop coincided with the release of Godzilla. They share the same audience and that audience will be seeing X-Men next weekend so it’s all over but the shouting. But it was a damn good run. If you told me it would do this well—$700M from a $170M budget—I’d have called it a little overly optimistic, but as a man who bought two Captain America t-shirts last week (almost three), I’m happy to see my guy do well.

WHAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF FEELING GLEEFUL?
Know who’s not doing well? Lea Michele. She’s the voice of Dorothy in Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return, which is down to number nine and heard anything from the album she released? Did you know she’s got a book coming out too? Exactly.

THE END
Finally, Mom’s Night Out closes out the top ten at number ten.

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FOOD PORN IS THE BEST PORN BECAUSE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET FOOD

12 May

sofia-vergara-in-jeans

1. Neighbors/Universal                                  Wknd/$ 51.1        Total/$ 51.1
2. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony          Wknd/$ 37.2        Total/$ 148.0
3. The Other Woman/Fox                             Wknd/$ 9.3         Total/$ 61.7
5. Captain America: The Winter Soldier    Wknd/$ 5.6          Total/$ 245.0
4. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                       Wknd/$ 7.0          Total/$ 75.2
6. Rio 2/Fox                                                     Wknd/$ 5.1          Total/$ 113.2
7. Moms’ Night Out/TriS                              Wknd/$ 4.2          Total/$ 4.2
8. Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return            Wknd/$ 3.7         Total/$ 3.7
9. Divergent/LGF                                            Wknd/$ 1.7          Total/$ 145.0
10. Brick Mansions/Relativity                      Wknd/$ 1.5         Total/$ 18.3

YOU CAN’T KILL EVIL…ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S UGLY
Neighbors opens big at number one and it’s like some nightmare I’m having as this returns Seth Rogen to the forefront as a comic leading man after wonderfully stumbling with The Guilt Trip and The Green Hornet. My only hope is that this confirms he’s better being partnered with someone else…someone actually attractive and he cannot ever, ever, ever be the male lead who gets the hot girl. No offense, Rose Byrne but Zac Efron is prettier than you and we all know it. You’re actually somewhat attainable for someone like Seth Rogen.

LAMENTATIONS OF AN AGING GEEK
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is down to number two and while I maintain that what makes this movie enjoyable is the characters, let’s not pretend the storyline itself is nothing short of a cosmic mess, but this is what I like to call “Harrison Ford Syndrome.” This is when you so enjoy what’s happening onscreen you don’t stop to think about it. Like Indiana Jones on the sub in Raiders of the Lost Ark, or every single freaking moment of The Fugitive. Because if you do, you realize that it makes little to no sense. You know, like Spider-Man’s plan is basically to kill Electro. No, I’m not kidding. Even though he knows that Electro is a poor schlub that’s been turned into a monster and initially tries to help him, from that point on his big plan is to just blow him up, even though he defeats him with a water hose (which straight from Electro’s first appearance in the comics). There’s never any “I don’t want to hurt you.” Nope. It’s just “let’s blow him up real good!” This a failure of both character and plot, because if there’s one person less likely to kill than even Superman, it’s Peter Parker. But you saw what they did to Superman in Man of Steel. Guess it’s par the course now for you damn kids today.

MRS. SUCCESSFUL PRODUCER/DIRECTOR
The Other Woman is down to number three and are we even pretending that Leslie Mann’s career is based on anything less than being Judd Apatow’s wife? I like her, but let’s not kid ourselves. She’s who you go to in order to make a connection with him or because Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t return your phone calls because she looked at this script and saw for the mildly misogynist treacle it was…or was too expensive. It’s 50/50 with her.

DOUBLE EDGE SWORD
Heaven is Real is down to number four and given Rake was just cancelled is Greg Kinnear happy to have this feather in his cap or is it a mixed blessing given it’s not a “real” movie and would have succeeded with basically anyone in it? I wonder how much work he’s losing to Patrick Wilson who plays similar roles, but is a much better actor?

THEY TRULY LOVE AMERICA
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is down to number five and also in this is Emily VanCamp, best known to most of you and the most ineffective pursuer of Revenge ever. It’s been how many years and she still hasn’t taken that family down!?! Here she’s known as Agent 13, which was also the title Captain America’s girlfriend, Peggy Carter. In the comics it’s no coincidence because she’s, Sharon, the younger sister of Peggy Cater. That was when he reawakened in the early 60’s. As time passed Sharon had to eventually become Peggy’s grandniece, because a woman who was fighting WWII couldn’t have a 29-year-old sister. It hasn’t been made clear if they’re going that route with her here, even though 90-something Peggy Carter does appear. I was impressed that they went hardcore and gave her Alzheimer’s, not making their reunion too touchy feely.

JESUS DOESN’T LIKE FUN OR SO THEY’D HAVE YOU BELIEVE
Rio 2 is down to number six, followed by Mom’s Night Out opening at number seven and how is Leslie Mann not in this? Probably because she doesn’t have to, as this is yet another Christian themed film. How’s that make it any less generic than any Hollywood film with a similar plot? No one has sex or gets high or wants to have sex or get high. And if there’s a divorced woman she’s probably unhappy and a whore.

IT’S ONLY CRAP AND THAT’S ALL
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return opens at number eight and there simply aren’t enough WTF’s for this. This isn’t just an attempt to milk a dead cow, but to milk a dead horse. Even if it were alive you’d still be an idiot. This is based on an Oz sequel written by one Frank L. Baum’s grandkids. He qualifications other than being one of Frank L. Baum’s grandkids? Probably failing at everything else in life, as I’m pretty sure talent isn’t genetic or Mariel Hemmingway’s hiding her talents. He was milking the dead horse and now this film wants to join him and has all the results of what happens when you try to milk a dead horse. Can you imagine how bad a film has to be for the combination of OZ and animation to flop? Personally, I like to think “songs by Bryan Adams” is what did it in, because I still believe in justice.

FOR YOU BEAN COUNTERS
Divergent is down to number nine and this is only $3M away from being profitable by our 3x budget rule of them.

THE END
Finally Brick Mansions closes out the top ten at number ten.

MAKING MORE MUNCHIES THAN WEED
Not entering the Top Ten is Chef, the latest from Jon Favreau since he left or was booted from the director’s chair of Iron Man, depending on which rumor you believe. It’s probably a combination of both. He demanded more money for Iron Man 2, so when it under-performed and he was denied The Avengers he probably threatened to walk and they said “See ya!” If this is his middle finger to them, then they’ve lost creatively if not financially (Iron Man 3 was the highest grossing Iron Man film). It’s not a new story, but there are no new stories. It’s all in how you tell the old ones. Writing, directing and starring, Favreau is a chef in a creative rut under owner Dustin Hoffman. He’s no longer happy doing what he loves and it’s taking its toll on him personally and professionally. He’s not only divorced but neglecting the son who adores him. Finally, a confrontation with an influential blogger pushes him over the edge and he leaves to restart with a food truck. What makes this more of an indie film than a mainstream film is the time it takes to get to Favreau’s breakdown and his eventual rise from the ashes. His should fall by minute 30, spend 31-60 fighting back and 61 – 90 is his triumphant return. Not so here in this near two hour film where the time is used to make all these events feel more organic. Also, uncomfortable moments aren’t skipped over or blown out of proportion so mouth-breathers can get it. His blow up on critic Oliver Platt is as uncomfortable to watch as such an actual breakdown would be. Also, his neglect of his son’s needs isn’t sugar coated. He makes mistakes all the way up to the end only realizing it thanks to his son’s non-stop efforts to get his father’s love. It’s not perfect. His comeback is effortless, lacking any real struggle and filled with hipster cameos and Sofia Vergara is just too perfect a loving, supportive ex-wife and not much more. Her role could have used a few more layers. Is she really not just a little bit angry at how he treats their son in his clear depression? And characters that were very important to the beginning just kinda vanish, which some would say is more like real life, yes, but in real life people who are important to you, just don’t disappear because that actor or actress clearly didn’t have more time to shoot. But it’s clearly a film about a man who loves food directed by a man who loves food and its preparation is so lovingly depicted I left starving. There is no greater praise for a movie about cooking. Normally, I’d rip on a film showing Favreau being married to and now banging Scarlett Johansson, but unlike the masturbatory fantasy of John Turturro who is a gigolo hired by Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone for a threesome, you can believe this because Favreau shows his character being a great cook, first. His foreplay with Johansson is literally making a meal for her and you can understand why she or any other woman would bang him senseless. Hell, I’m ready to fuck him after 2 hours of watching him cook.

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ACTION IS HIS REWARD!

5 May

spideys
1. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony                      Wknd/$ 92.0   Total/$ 92.0
2. The Other Woman/Fox                                        Wknd/$ 14.2    Total/$ 47.3
4. Captain America: The Winter Soldier               Wknd/$ 7.8      Total/$ 237.1
3. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                                   Wknd/$ 8.7      Total/$ 65.6
5. Rio 2/Fox                                                                 Wknd/$ 7.6      Total/$ 106.5
6. Brick Mansions/Relativity                                   Wknd/$ 3.5      Total/$ 15.5
7. Divergent/LGF                                                        Wknd/$ 2.1      Total/$ 142.7
8. The Quiet Ones/LGF                                             Wknd/$ 2.0      Total/$ 6.7
9. God’s Not Dead/Free                                            Wknd/$ 1.8       Total/$ 55.6
10 Grand Budapest Hotel/FoxSearch                    Wknd/$ 1.7       Total/$ 51.5

UNLIKE NEW COKE THIS ACTUALLY WORKED
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 opens at number one and before we begin I’m going to drop some geek knowledge on you. The Amazing Spider-Man is the name of the comic book that started in 1962 (there’s a joke in the movie referring to 1961 for this reason, but obviously incorrect). Ultimate Spider-Man is the name of a new “updated” Spider-Man that started in 2000. And by “updated” I mean Uncle Ben had ponytail and 15-year-old Peter Parker’s job at the Daily Bugle is working on their website, not taking photos. It’s set in a different universe than the regular book where Peter Parker grew up and married Mary Jane (but then their marriage was dissolved when the Editor In Chief had the Devil destroy it; no, I’m not kidding), which still exists. The first Spider-Man trilogy was based more on the original Spider-Man from 1962, while this reboot was based more on the 2000 Ultimate Spider-Man. This doesn’t matter to you people, but to those of us who know it’s a little odd seeing traditional elements like the relationship with Gwen Stacy with the modern elements of Peter Parker’s dad being a scientist that worked with Norman Osborn (in the regular comic Spider-Man’s parents worked for SHIELD). In fact as the film opens we see him and his wife dying in a plane crash engineered by Norman Osborn (it was a plane crash for the SHIELD Agents too, but nothing more). It’s part of plot that makes Spider-Man closer to both Batman (avenging lost parents) and Superman (superpowered legacy of a scientist), but honestly he didn’t need it and it’s not why I enjoyed this film. No, I enjoyed it because this “got” Spider-Man better than any of the previous films did, due in no small part to Andrew Garfield’s performance. When in costume, Peter Parker is a straight up wise-ass that’s pure NYC (Queens, to be exact). That’s something Tobey Maguire and Sam Raimi never fully accomplished, while I think they got Peter Parker right. Also, advance word of disappointment seriously lowered my expectations which helps almost every film, because when I hear it’s bad I fully expect to see the boom mike swing down and people staring at the camera. That’s obviously not the case here and while they do spend a little too much time trying to set up a franchise rather than make a single effective film, it still manages to shine through.

YOU’VE GOT ENOUGH GIFTS THERE ALREADY, SWEETIE.
The Other Woman is down to number two and I was going to let it go because she’s a kid and I think she’s sweet (you know you’re getting old when rather than ogle the hot swimsuit model you just look at her ago “Awww, she’s precious.”), but since Kate Upton has brought up her butt and how people should pay more attention to it, let’s get real: she ain’t got one, which is why that clip of Cameron Diaz freaking out over its perfection is ridiculous. Then again Cameron Diaz ain’t got no booty either so maybe it was big to her. But in the sad tradition of models since the late 60’s, below the waist, Kate Upton is built like a 12-year-old boy, possessing neither waist nor booty, showing you just how much illusion goes into swimsuit photography.

LIKE THE SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK SONG
Heaven Is For Real is hanging around at number three and I’d mention that “3” is traditionally number of luck, but that’s a pagan belief and I know the audience for this would hate that.

NOTHING ENDURES MORE THAN THE LUST OF A 13-YEAR-OLD BOY
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is down to number four and also in this is Jenny Agutter who is part of the UN Council that runs SHIELD (so why people keep insisting it’s American is beyond me), but best known for taking a generation of boys into adulthood in the early 70’s thanks to a willingness to disrobe. Geeks like me know her best from Logan’s Run in 70’s fashions that basically left her nude. Sigh. The 70’s….

WU TANG FOREVER
Rio 2 is down to number five followed by Brick Mansions at number six and I will never stop being amused at The RZA in movies, well after the Wu Tang Clan’s peak, which is when most rappers go Hollywood. It’s like he’s old enough not to give a crap any longer and does what he likes. If the name of the group wasn’t a clue, The RZA is down seriously with martial arts which is why it comes a no surprise he’s in this particular film. Now being on Californication? That I can’t explain. Or forgive.

SON OF A MAN CALLED HORSE
Divergent actually rises to number seven followed by The Quiet Ones down to number eight and in this as the scientist getting in over his head by toying with the supernatural is Jared Harris who looks just like his dad, the late great Richard Harris, but only the older Richard Harris. Unfortunately, he got none of dad’s young, blonde glory.

LAZARUS…BECAUSE I’M TOO SCARED TO SAY THE OTHER GUY
God’s Not Dead rises back into the top then, thanks it seems to that heaven movie. I guess you could say it was “resurrected.” Please don’t kill me, Christian crazies.

HAUNTING ME
Also returning in The Grand Budapest Hotel and if this continues I’ll have no choice but to see it.

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BITCHES BE CRAZY THE MOVIE

27 Apr

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1. The Other Woman/Fox                                  Wknd/$ 25.7      Total/$ 24.7
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier        Wknd/$ 16.1       Total/$ 224.9
3. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                            Wknd/$ 13.7      Total/$ 51.9
4. Rio 2/Fox                                                          Wknd/$ 13.7      Total/$ 96.2
5. Brick Mansions/Relativity                            Wknd/$ 9.6        Total/$ 9.6
6. Transendence/Warners                                 Wknd/$ 4.1        Total/$ 18.5
7. The Quiet Ones/LGF                                      Wknd/$ 4.0        Total/$ 4.0
8. Bears/Disney                                                   Wknd/$ 3.6        Total/$ 11.2
9. Divergent/LGF                                                Wknd/$ 3.6        Total/$ 139.5
10. A Haunted House 2/ORF                            Wknd/$ 3.3        Total/$ 9.1

AMIRITE FELLAS? THE MOVIE
The Other Woman opens at number one and this is some sadness right here. A movie about three attractive women whose only focal point in life is getting back at some dude? Really? Even The First Wives Club was at least partially about trying to move on, with living well being the best revenge, not you, know actual freaking revenge. And these were actual wives with a lifetime of a investment including kids, whereas two of these three are just girlfriends, who had to be dumb as rocks for him to as unavailable as he was not to have noticed something was amiss. I swear this movie was made by a bunch of dudes who’d never met a woman in their lives and wanted an excuse to meet Cameron Diaz and Kate Upton. Sorry, Leslie Mann, but that’s just how it is. Your first clue was being offered the wife role and not either of the girlfriends. And honestly this is a Cameron Diaz joint. It’s another feather in her cap to have success with an utterly crappy movie wherein she is clearly the biggest star.

FATHER TIME, UNDEFEATED
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is down to number two and can we talk about how much it hurts to see Robert Redford so visibly old onscreen? Well, it does. Kinda makes you glad Sean Connery retired before he got to the point where he looked frail so you can still remember him as somewhat vibrant. And it’s not like Redford has action scenes. He’s just stands there and talks and still he looks a tad thin. Heavy sigh. And yes, there’s a scene where you see a bottle of Paul Newman’s Salad Dressing behind him, so they’re reunited one more time.

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK MY ASS
Heaven is For Real is down to number three, but is still making waves as success due to a $51M return on a $12M budget. I’d make joke about that’s typical for films about the supernatural, but I don’t want those Christians coming after me. They’re scary and ironically unforgiving.

IT ALL COMES BACK TO MY COMIC BOOK COLLECTION
Rio 2 is down to number four and returning as the voices to keep their names in the game without having to expend too much effort are Anne Hathaway and Jessie Eisenberg. It’s a win-win situation. They get a hit without necessarily being openly tied to it if it fails. But you know it’s killing Anne Hathaway that she’s in this and not Frozen. Killing. Her. And because I’m a geek I have to point out that she played Catwoman and he’ll be playing Lex Luthor.

SOME THINGS JUST DON’T TRANSLATE
Brick Mansions opens at number five and this is a remake of a French film called District B13, from the same producers who realized that Americans won’t even watch an action movie in another language. Even grunts have to be in English. It’s the final completed film from Paul Walker as he died before Fast & The Furious 7 could be finished. That kinda puts a damper on it for me (whereas the darker theme of The Crow was only unaffected by Brandon Lee’s death but maybe even enhanced by it), not that I’d have seen it anyway mainly because I find parkour—the French activity (it’s not a sport) of acrobatically jumping on, off and around buildings—pretty stupid and that’s actually the selling point of the original. All I can think about is the massive amount of undue stress they’re putting on their joints with all that jumping on concrete. Concrete is so unyielding it’s actually better for you to run on the street, because asphalt has more give.

IT’S NOT OFFICIAL UNTIL CHRISTOPHER LEE SHOWS UP
Transcendence is down to number six followed by The Quiet Ones opening at number seven and this is disappointing in more ways than one because this is the first film from the newly revived Hammer Films, who brought back as type of classic horror in the early 60’s (after a decade of science fiction monsters in the 50’s) by adding blood and cleavage. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why the same people who went to see Oculus or Paranormal Activity gave this a pass. It falls squarely under my “I don’t do the scary rule” but how those people that do pick and choose is totally beyond me. I’m sure the makers of this are scratching their heads as well.

BUY AN SUV AND SAVE THE BEARS!
Bears is up to number eight and I just find all nature documentaries depressing now knowing we’re basically killing the planet. Then I remember we aren’t really killing the planet so much as killing our ability to live on it and once we’re dead all the animals that survive us will live happily ever after. So ironically, if you love animals you shouldn’t do anything to you’re supposed to do to protect them because that stuff is killing us too!

WHO MISSES THE 00’S ALREADY? PART 1.
Divergent is down to number nine with A Haunted House closing out the top ten at number ten having made more than 3x its budget, so there’ll probably be a third one. Also in this is Jamie Pressly, best known to most of you as Joy, the mean ex-wife on My Name Is Earl, but my first awareness of her came from the sequel to Poison Ivy that nobody wanted. She spent most of her life training as a gymnast and nowhere is it I more evident than in one of my favorite guilty pleasures: DOA: Dead or Alive. Or as I call it “Camel Toe Kung Fu.”

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