Tag Archives: sofia vergara

SUCK IT, BRETT RATNER!

27 May

asm ks6

1. X-Men: Days of Future Past/Fox                    Wknd/$ 91.4        Total/$ 91.4
2. Godzilla/Warner                                                Wknd/$ 31.1         Total/$ 148.5
3. Blended/Warner                                                Wknd/$ 14.2         Total/$ 14.2
4. Neighbors/Universal                                         Wknd/$ 13.9        Total/$ 113.6
5. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony                  Wknd/$ 7.8          Total/$ 184.9
6. Million Dollar Arm/Disney                              Wknd/$ 7.0          Total/$ 20.5
7. The Other Woman/Fox                                     Wknd/$ 3.6          Total/$ 77.6
8. Rio 2/Fox                                                             Wknd/$ 2.5          Total/$ 121.5
9. Chef/ORF                                                             Wknd/$ 2.3          Total/$ 3.6
10. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                             Wknd/$ 2.1           Total/$ 85.2

Okay, let’s do this quickly. It’s a holiday…

SERIOUSLY, SUCK IT, BRETT RATNER
X-Men Days of Future Past opens at number one and this is based on the classic X-Men story of the same name where Kitty Pryde gets sent back through time from a horrible future to change things for the better and…wait a minute. It’s Wolverine here…and he’s got his metal claws back? How? And Professor X was a dead as he was at the end of X-Men: The Last Stand but he’s here? But you know what? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’ve got a very good X-Men movie to watch with a plethora of characters all nicely done with solid performances. Don’t bother yourself with trying to match each film to the last one (the filmmakers sure as hell didn’t), just enjoy the film laid out before you. And, yes this more than makes up for the mess that was X-Men: The Last Stand. Maybe the third Wolverine movie will make up for those two previous episodes of crap. Yeah, I don’t believe that either.

HOW NICE OF THE STUDIO TO ASSUME EVERYONE IS A RACIST
Godzilla is down to number two and basically Ken Wantanabe is to this what Raymond Burr was to the original: a token to make the people in another country watch it. Just as no Japanese person would have given a crap about Raymond Burr (he’s not even in the original version, only its American release), not too many Americans care about Ken Wantanabe, but in Japan he’s a star. Sadly, he’s no more vital to this than Raymond Burr was to the original. He just kind of stands around and looks grim. He doesn’t even get to be the hero scientist who helps save the day like Matthew Broderick in the previous Hollywood version. Hell, Bryan Cranston contributes more and he’s only in it for 15 minutes. Hopefully they’ll give him more to do in the already announced sequel.

A LEGACY OF ANNOYING
Blended opens to scathing reviews at number three and you don’t even have to see it to know they’re accurate. It’s Adam Sandler. He’s been stinking up the screen for 20 years now. Did you think he’d somehow get better with age? The irony is that Neighbors is at number four and we see the torch was basically passed from Sandler to Rogen in a film called Funny People. So basically, while I’m glad to see Sandler finally (hopefully) fading away, there’s still an ugly dude I find unfunny onscreen.

THE REAL CRIME IS HOW DULL HE IS
The Amazing Spider-Man is down to number four and did you realize Jamie Foxx is in this. Oscar-winner Jamie Foxx? You know why? Because his character is instantly and utterly forgettable. It’s basically a rehash of Jim Carey’s Riddler in Batman Forever and that’s not a good thing. Unfortunately, they’ve announced a spin off film of all Spidey’s villains, called the Sinister Six and he’s one of them.

THREE OTHER MOVIES I’LL NEVER SEE
Million Dollar Arm is down to number six, followed by The Other Woman at number seven and Rio at number eight.

COOKIN’ UP A STORM
Entering the top ten at number nine is Chef the latest from Jon Favreau since he left or was booted from the director’s chair of Iron Man, depending on which rumor you believe. It’s probably a combination of both. If this is his middle finger to them, then they’ve lost creatively if not financially (Iron Man 3 was the highest grossing Iron Man film). It’s not a new story, but there are no new stories. It’s all in how you tell the old ones. Writing, directing and starring, Favreau is a chef in a creative rut under owner Dustin Hoffman. He’s no longer happy doing what he loves and it’s taking its toll on him personally and professionally. He’s not only divorced but neglecting the son who adores him. Finally, a confrontation with an influential blogger pushes him over the edge and he leaves to restart with a food truck. What makes this more of an indie film than a mainstream film is the time it takes to get to Favreau’s breakdown and his eventual rise from the ashes. His should fall by minute 30, spend 31-60 fighting back and 61 – 90 is his triumphant return. Not so here in this near two hour film where the time is used to make all these events feel more organic. Not to say it’s perfect. His comeback is effortless, lacking any real struggle and filled with hipster cameos and Sofia Vergara is just too perfect a loving, supportive ex-wife and not much more. Her role could have used a few more layers. But it’s clearly a film about a man who loves food directed by a man who loves food and its preparation is so lovingly depicted I left starving. There is no greater praise for a movie about cooking. Normally, I’d rip on a film showing Favreau being married to and now banging Scarlett Johansson, but unlike the masturbatory fantasy of John Turturro who is a gigolo hired by Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone for a threesome, you can believe this because Favreau shows his character being a great cook, first. His foreplay with Johansson is literally making a meal for her and you can understand why she or any other woman would bang him senseless. Hell, I’m ready to sleep with him after 2 hours of watching him cook.

SHUFFLE OFF THIS MORTAL COIL
Finally, Heaven is Real closes out the top ten at number ten.

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FOOD PORN IS THE BEST PORN BECAUSE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GET FOOD

12 May

sofia-vergara-in-jeans

1. Neighbors/Universal                                  Wknd/$ 51.1        Total/$ 51.1
2. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony          Wknd/$ 37.2        Total/$ 148.0
3. The Other Woman/Fox                             Wknd/$ 9.3         Total/$ 61.7
5. Captain America: The Winter Soldier    Wknd/$ 5.6          Total/$ 245.0
4. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                       Wknd/$ 7.0          Total/$ 75.2
6. Rio 2/Fox                                                     Wknd/$ 5.1          Total/$ 113.2
7. Moms’ Night Out/TriS                              Wknd/$ 4.2          Total/$ 4.2
8. Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return            Wknd/$ 3.7         Total/$ 3.7
9. Divergent/LGF                                            Wknd/$ 1.7          Total/$ 145.0
10. Brick Mansions/Relativity                      Wknd/$ 1.5         Total/$ 18.3

YOU CAN’T KILL EVIL…ESPECIALLY WHEN IT’S UGLY
Neighbors opens big at number one and it’s like some nightmare I’m having as this returns Seth Rogen to the forefront as a comic leading man after wonderfully stumbling with The Guilt Trip and The Green Hornet. My only hope is that this confirms he’s better being partnered with someone else…someone actually attractive and he cannot ever, ever, ever be the male lead who gets the hot girl. No offense, Rose Byrne but Zac Efron is prettier than you and we all know it. You’re actually somewhat attainable for someone like Seth Rogen.

LAMENTATIONS OF AN AGING GEEK
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is down to number two and while I maintain that what makes this movie enjoyable is the characters, let’s not pretend the storyline itself is nothing short of a cosmic mess, but this is what I like to call “Harrison Ford Syndrome.” This is when you so enjoy what’s happening onscreen you don’t stop to think about it. Like Indiana Jones on the sub in Raiders of the Lost Ark, or every single freaking moment of The Fugitive. Because if you do, you realize that it makes little to no sense. You know, like Spider-Man’s plan is basically to kill Electro. No, I’m not kidding. Even though he knows that Electro is a poor schlub that’s been turned into a monster and initially tries to help him, from that point on his big plan is to just blow him up, even though he defeats him with a water hose (which straight from Electro’s first appearance in the comics). There’s never any “I don’t want to hurt you.” Nope. It’s just “let’s blow him up real good!” This a failure of both character and plot, because if there’s one person less likely to kill than even Superman, it’s Peter Parker. But you saw what they did to Superman in Man of Steel. Guess it’s par the course now for you damn kids today.

MRS. SUCCESSFUL PRODUCER/DIRECTOR
The Other Woman is down to number three and are we even pretending that Leslie Mann’s career is based on anything less than being Judd Apatow’s wife? I like her, but let’s not kid ourselves. She’s who you go to in order to make a connection with him or because Sarah Jessica Parker didn’t return your phone calls because she looked at this script and saw for the mildly misogynist treacle it was…or was too expensive. It’s 50/50 with her.

DOUBLE EDGE SWORD
Heaven is Real is down to number four and given Rake was just cancelled is Greg Kinnear happy to have this feather in his cap or is it a mixed blessing given it’s not a “real” movie and would have succeeded with basically anyone in it? I wonder how much work he’s losing to Patrick Wilson who plays similar roles, but is a much better actor?

THEY TRULY LOVE AMERICA
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is down to number five and also in this is Emily VanCamp, best known to most of you and the most ineffective pursuer of Revenge ever. It’s been how many years and she still hasn’t taken that family down!?! Here she’s known as Agent 13, which was also the title Captain America’s girlfriend, Peggy Carter. In the comics it’s no coincidence because she’s, Sharon, the younger sister of Peggy Cater. That was when he reawakened in the early 60’s. As time passed Sharon had to eventually become Peggy’s grandniece, because a woman who was fighting WWII couldn’t have a 29-year-old sister. It hasn’t been made clear if they’re going that route with her here, even though 90-something Peggy Carter does appear. I was impressed that they went hardcore and gave her Alzheimer’s, not making their reunion too touchy feely.

JESUS DOESN’T LIKE FUN OR SO THEY’D HAVE YOU BELIEVE
Rio 2 is down to number six, followed by Mom’s Night Out opening at number seven and how is Leslie Mann not in this? Probably because she doesn’t have to, as this is yet another Christian themed film. How’s that make it any less generic than any Hollywood film with a similar plot? No one has sex or gets high or wants to have sex or get high. And if there’s a divorced woman she’s probably unhappy and a whore.

IT’S ONLY CRAP AND THAT’S ALL
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return opens at number eight and there simply aren’t enough WTF’s for this. This isn’t just an attempt to milk a dead cow, but to milk a dead horse. Even if it were alive you’d still be an idiot. This is based on an Oz sequel written by one Frank L. Baum’s grandkids. He qualifications other than being one of Frank L. Baum’s grandkids? Probably failing at everything else in life, as I’m pretty sure talent isn’t genetic or Mariel Hemmingway’s hiding her talents. He was milking the dead horse and now this film wants to join him and has all the results of what happens when you try to milk a dead horse. Can you imagine how bad a film has to be for the combination of OZ and animation to flop? Personally, I like to think “songs by Bryan Adams” is what did it in, because I still believe in justice.

FOR YOU BEAN COUNTERS
Divergent is down to number nine and this is only $3M away from being profitable by our 3x budget rule of them.

THE END
Finally Brick Mansions closes out the top ten at number ten.

MAKING MORE MUNCHIES THAN WEED
Not entering the Top Ten is Chef, the latest from Jon Favreau since he left or was booted from the director’s chair of Iron Man, depending on which rumor you believe. It’s probably a combination of both. He demanded more money for Iron Man 2, so when it under-performed and he was denied The Avengers he probably threatened to walk and they said “See ya!” If this is his middle finger to them, then they’ve lost creatively if not financially (Iron Man 3 was the highest grossing Iron Man film). It’s not a new story, but there are no new stories. It’s all in how you tell the old ones. Writing, directing and starring, Favreau is a chef in a creative rut under owner Dustin Hoffman. He’s no longer happy doing what he loves and it’s taking its toll on him personally and professionally. He’s not only divorced but neglecting the son who adores him. Finally, a confrontation with an influential blogger pushes him over the edge and he leaves to restart with a food truck. What makes this more of an indie film than a mainstream film is the time it takes to get to Favreau’s breakdown and his eventual rise from the ashes. His should fall by minute 30, spend 31-60 fighting back and 61 – 90 is his triumphant return. Not so here in this near two hour film where the time is used to make all these events feel more organic. Also, uncomfortable moments aren’t skipped over or blown out of proportion so mouth-breathers can get it. His blow up on critic Oliver Platt is as uncomfortable to watch as such an actual breakdown would be. Also, his neglect of his son’s needs isn’t sugar coated. He makes mistakes all the way up to the end only realizing it thanks to his son’s non-stop efforts to get his father’s love. It’s not perfect. His comeback is effortless, lacking any real struggle and filled with hipster cameos and Sofia Vergara is just too perfect a loving, supportive ex-wife and not much more. Her role could have used a few more layers. Is she really not just a little bit angry at how he treats their son in his clear depression? And characters that were very important to the beginning just kinda vanish, which some would say is more like real life, yes, but in real life people who are important to you, just don’t disappear because that actor or actress clearly didn’t have more time to shoot. But it’s clearly a film about a man who loves food directed by a man who loves food and its preparation is so lovingly depicted I left starving. There is no greater praise for a movie about cooking. Normally, I’d rip on a film showing Favreau being married to and now banging Scarlett Johansson, but unlike the masturbatory fantasy of John Turturro who is a gigolo hired by Sofia Vergara and Sharon Stone for a threesome, you can believe this because Favreau shows his character being a great cook, first. His foreplay with Johansson is literally making a meal for her and you can understand why she or any other woman would bang him senseless. Hell, I’m ready to fuck him after 2 hours of watching him cook.

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SOMEWHERE RUSS MEYER IS SMILING

29 Apr

1. Think Like a Man/SGem                             Wknd/$  18.0            Total/$  60.9

2. The Pirates! Band of Misfits/Sony            Wknd/$  11.4             Total/$   11.4

3. The Lucky One/Warners                            Wknd?$  11.3              Total/$  39.9

4. The Hunger Games/LionsGate                  Wknd/$  11.3             Total/$ 372.5

5. The 5 Year Engagement/Universal           Wknd/$  11.2             Total/$   11.2

6. Safe/Lion’s Gate                                            Wknd/$    7.7            Total/$     7.7

7. The Raven/Relativity                                    Wknd/$    7.3            Total/$     7.3

8. Chimpanzee/Disney                                      Wknd/$    5.5            Total/$   19.2

9. The Three Stooges/Fox                                 Wknd/$    5.4            Total/$   37.1

10. The Cabin In The Woods/LionsG              Wknd/$    4.5            Total/$   34.7

CASSANDRA WOULD HAVE KILLED IN SHOW BUSINESS

Think Like A Man holds at number one, which is shocking ‘cause usually when a Black film opens big at number one it drops like a rock the following week.  Whoever chose this release date is getting a raise, because they guessed right about the competition. “Look, people are gonna be tired of watching that girl kill people, claymation scares kids as much as it attracts them, Nicholas Sparks is the same-old-same-old and are you kidding me with a movie about the Three Stooges?  We could own this bitch!”  This is the person you take with you to Vegas.

UNFUNNY AND UGLY…LIKE YOUR MOM

The Pirates! Band of Misfits opens at number two and honestly this has taken so long to come out I thought it was actually a sequel to itself.  Seriously, haven’t they been advertising this for six months?  This comes from the people who bought you Wallace & Gromit, one of those English comedies that certain friends of yours swear by but then you watch it and wonder what the fuck is wrong with them (also on this list Faulty Towers and anything with Rowan Atkinson).  Part of the problem is they seem unconcerned that their stop-motion animation figures are ugly, but then again they are English so perhaps in their minds this is attractive.

THE HIGH REGARD OF OTHERS DOESN’T PAY THE CABLE BILL

The Lucky One is down to number three and one constant in all the Nicholas Sparks movies is that a surprisingly talented actor shows up as the parent of one of the characters, clearly slumming it.  This time it’s Blythe Danner.  In The Vow it was Jessica Lange and Sam Neil. In The Notebook it was my fave, Joan Allen and none other than Paul Newman was Kevin Costner’s dad in Message in A Bottle (in a reversal James Franco shows up as Richard Gere’s son in Nights in Rodanthe).  What’s funny is that each one was probably convinced by their agents due to the presence of those before them.  “Hey, who are you to turn down what Paul Newman did? You think you’re special!?!”

IF YOU’RE GONNA BE UGLY, YA GOTTA BE TOUGH

The Hunger Games is down to number four, followed by The Five Year Engagement at number five and I get that Jason Segel is more the “everyman” type of lead but you know what? I don’t go to the movies to see “the everyman” and instantly knew I wouldn’t be seeing this.  He, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill are polluting my movie screens far too much as leading men and I fully support the movie exec who told him to lose some fucking weight to play Emily Blunt’s love interest.  All three of them have had to deal with slimming down and while it may seem unfair it’s only a taste of what women deal with daily and there are still lots of fat guys onscreen with women much too hot for them so it’s hardly a step forward.  Not mention losing weight doesn’t make you better looking and they’re still getting paired with hot women so no tears for them.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL IT THE SPRING ’12 STATHAM MOVIE

Safe opens at number seven and this is the best Jason Statham action movie in a long time, but opening poorly and Statham has no one but himself to blame by trying to get gritty and serious recently with the far-too-dour Killer Elite and The Mechanic.  He built his rep on fun action movies like The Transporter and Crank not movies where there’s no room for wisecracks when you snap a bad guy’s neck. Not to mention there’s just too many with little-to-no difference in them because Statham refuses to go outside his wheelhouse and do science fiction because he hates greenscreen (you know his agent’s losing his mind over that).  So it’s understandable that people decide they’ll skip one comfortable that they’re not missing anything, but in this case they’re wrong.  Not that this is a great movie. Oh, no.  But it’s great in its use of all the cheesy things we love about action movies.  The aforementioned wisecracking, seriously illogical plot points (Statham is being punished by the Russian mob who are willing to expend the time and energy to kill every one he’s nice to instead of just killing him), painfully expository dialogue from more talented actors like Chris Sarandon and Robert John Burke who actually seem embarrassed about having to say it and the unstoppable action lead who never misses a shot while bullets fly around him.  Bear in mind this comes from the guy who wrote Prince of Persia and Dirty Dancing 2 so you’re clearly in cheese country.  But all movies are clichés so it’s more a matter of how effectively you use them and this one does a pretty good job with a few interesting touches.  For example, the movie begins initially with a series of flashbacks between Statham and the small girl upon their first meeting in a subway. It’s a tad clumsy at first, but actually manages to build up some degree of momentum and suspense so when they finally meet it appropriately kicks into high gear.   And there’s unexpected and actually very clever twist at the end I won’t spoil for you.  If Boaz Yakin—who wrote the equally entertaining 80’s low-budget Punisher movie and once had the chance to ruin Batman —can continue along these lines he might finally become a decent action auteur.

AS A RULE, MOVIES ABOUT WRITERS ARE USUALLY POORLY WRITTEN

Opening at number seven is The Raven and the idea of Edgar Allen Poe who created the detective story having to solve a crime isn’t a bad one. It’s just when they decided to make the crimes come from his novels that they screwed up.  This has been done before with writers but the one thing they got right that this missed is that it’s usually an adventure that happens beforehand that inspires the work. This looked far too much like Se7en and I’m sure it’s no coincidence, which brings forth the other problem. The “hook” is watching people being killed by various horrible methods from Poe’s work, which means for most of the movie Poe has to fail!  Otherwise you don’t get to see the various gruesome deaths.  Again, who wants to see a movie where the hero spends most of the time not catching the villain while he covers the screen in blood?  Oh, yeah. You fucking morons who loved Se7en.  Poor John Cusack (the Ryan Gosling of Gen X). He’s seemingly been wandering in the wilderness for a few years now (High Fidelity was in 2000).  This will only  serve to continue it.

A CASTING RUSS MEYER WOULD HAVE APPROVED OF

Chimpanzee is down to number eight, followed by The Three Stooges at number nine and also in this is the “hot” model of the moment, Kate Upton and for the love of god, please stop saying she’s “curved.” She’s a skinny girl with big tits.  Aside from them her body is a straight line that needs poses and Photoshop to prevent her from looking like a 10-year-old boy with tits.  Now genuinely curved is Sofia Vergara who is also in this (marketing fail for not emphasizing them both and maybe some concerns about casting requirements) and her appearance on Saturday Night Live showed her comic skills on Modern Family are no fluke.  She’s got the chops and hopefully will move on to better work, far away from people like The Farrelly Brothers who directed this in what is almost a comeback for them both critically and financially.

DROPPIN’ SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YO’ ASS!

Finally, The Cabin in The Woods closes out the top ten at number ten and I stand corrected. A fellow geek has pointed out this isn’t an abandoned episode of Buffy, but in fact pretty much a remake of one of the episodes: “Restless” the season four finale. I couldn’t tell you. I loved Buffy, but once it went up against Smallville there was no choice as to where my loyalties lay.  The irony being, despite the comparisons to Dawson’s Creek, Smallville was actually little more than Buffy with the Superman mythos laid over it.  A superpowered teen (Buffy/Clark) and their buddies (Willow & Xander/Pete & Chloe) battle villains who are metaphors for teen anxieties (a literally predatory older woman/a girl whose eating disorder causes her to suck the life out of people) in their small town (Sunnydale/Smallville) and the cause is a common source (The Hellmouth/radiation from kryptonite over 16 years).  This has been your geek observation of the day.