Tag Archives: A Million Ways to Die in the West

THIRD BLOODY TIME’S THE CHARM!

6 Mar

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1. Logan/Fox                                       Wknd/$ 85.3    Total/$ 85.3
2. Get Out/Universal                         Wknd/$ 26.1    Total/$ 76.0
3. The Shack/LG                                Wknd/$ 16.1     Total/$ 16.1
4. The LEGO Batman Movie/WB   Wknd/$ 11.7     Total/$ 148.6
5. Before I Fall/ORF                          Wknd/$ 4.9      Total/$ 4.9
6. John Wick: Chapter Two/LG      Wknd/$ 4.7      Total/$ 82.9
7. Hidden Figures/Fox                      Wknd/$ 3.8      Total/$ 158.8
8. The Great Wall/Universal           Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 41.3
9. Fifty Shades Darker/Universal   Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 109.9
10. La La Land/LG                             Wknd/$ 3.0      Total/$ 145.7

A BLOODY GOOD FINISH
Logan opens at number one and third time’s the charm apparently. In their third outing they finally made a good solo Wolverine movie. No, it’s not the best superhero movie ever made (that still belongs to Iron Man for me) and it’s not even the best X-Men film (that still belongs to X2 for me), but it’s pretty damn good. Wisely dumping pretty much every goddamn thing about the Old Man Logan story from the comics (imagine if Wolverine were made only for angry, sexless, 15-year-old boys and you’ll have an idea of how bad that nonetheless successful series was) they’ve finally learned to follow the Marvel/Disney example and not make a “superhero” movie, but just a movie and plop a superhero into it. Iron Man, Thor and Doctor Strange were all the same movie about the narcissist who discovers the world around him aka, the best movies Tom Cruise and Richard Gere ever made. Captain America is a WWII movie and Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a 70’s spy movie. Guardians of the Galaxy is every movie about a ragtag group of misfits coming together. And Logan is a road movie about two people at the end their days a meager shadow of their former selves who find themselves called to get it together one more time for the sake of a younger person. You’ve seen it a dozen times before only this time you see it with superpowers. Professor X is now a danger to all those around him because his mental powers have been short-circuited by ALS and Alzheimer’s. Wolverine no longer heals the way he use to and is slowly dying for reasons that seem mysterious, but are obvious when you think about it. Into their laps falls a little girl with all Wolverine’s powers and abilities and hot on her heels is an evil corporation (redundant) willing to kill anyone and everyone to get her back. I feel bad for Hugh Jackman in that only in his last outing as Wolverine does he get the film his commitment deserves (he stayed in Wolverine shape for a year waiting for director Darren Aronofsky to get his shit together for what would have been the second Wolverine movie). He’s never been bad in the role, but didn’t always get the material to support him, least of all the god-awful The Wolverine, which ironically had the same creative team. What’s the difference? Deadpool. Deadpool proved you could make the R-rated film Wolverine deserved and make a dollar. I mean, it’s about a guy with razor sharp claws who is prone to homicidal rages. How can you do this honestly without blood and body parts on the ground? You can’t and the comics never shied away from it and in fact his learning not slaughter people was part of the character’s evolution, but what you can do in an all-ages comics oddly becomes an R-rated movie. Blood and darkness isn’t the reason why Logan is good but let’s not kid ourselves in that this will be the only takeaways for future superhero movies, so get ready for a lot of awful superhero crap filled with boobs, blood and cursing.

HOW ABOUT I JUST STAY OUT?
Get Out is down to number two and sorry, I don’t care how universally great the reviews are, I. Will. Never. See. This. I got anxiety just watching the trailer. I don’t do the scary to begin with, so do you really think I’m going to do the scary in a way that relates to me directly!?! The fucker is even a photographer in New York. Oh, hell no! But I’ll glad for everyone involved. Sorry I can’t help.

JESUS-Y IS TOO A WORD!
The Shack is opens at number three and this is some kind of Jesus-y thing and while I understand Sam Worthington has no choice but to be in shit like this—having been replaced as the Charisma-Free-Australian in movies by Jai Courtney—it’s sad Octavia Spencer found herself in this post-Oscar, pre-Hidden Figures.

NOW WHEN I SAY “I LOVE DICK” WHAT I MEAN IS…
The Lego Batman Movie is down to number four and the mixed blessing for this has come down in director Chris McKay doing a Nightwing movie. For those of you with actual lives and social skills, Nightwing is the identity Dick Grayson adopts after growing up and leaving Batman behind. There’s even a joking reference to it in this movie. It’s good because it’s Chris McKay who is a talented director. It’s bad because DC Comics and Warner Brothers have yet to make a superhero movie that doesn’t suck salty sweaty balls (Chris Nolan made his Batman movies before the official DC/WB unit was created to oversee these films) and the small blessing of no Dick Grayson or Robin in these movies is that they can’t fuck up Dick Grayson or Robin in these movies. It seems that time is over. Sigh.

BY THE WAY: YOU’RE OLD!
Before I Fall opens at number five and this is the latest Young Adult Novel Science Fiction/Fantasy adaptation. This time a teenager has to deal with the “stuck in a repeating day” situation endured by everyone from Bill Murray in Groundhog Day to David Duchovny on the X-Files. The only notable thing about it for an “old” like me is that it stars Zoey Deutch aka daughter of Lea Thompson aka Michael J. Fox’s mom in Back To The Future and also one of the stars of Some Kind of Wonderful (which was directed by dad, Howard Deutch). Like her mom in the latter film she plays a girl who’s a member of the beautiful people clique and there’s even a jerk boyfriend and shy guy who crushes on her. Some sf/fantasy elements would have helped Some Kind of Wonderful, honestly.

TESTING THE KINSEY SCALE WITH EVERY APPEARANCE
John Wick Chapter Two is down to number six and also in this is Ruby Rose who may or may not be playing a dude. The character is mute and no gender is specified, which lends to my theory that she’s here to make everyone question their sexuality. If you’re a straight dude or gay woman you’re wondering why you’re attracted to this boy. If you’re a straight woman or gay dude you’re wondering why you’re attracted to this girl. She’s fucking with all of us! And this is her second action movie this year. She was a sniper in XXX: The Return of Xander Cage. So it’s one step back and one step forward in ’17 for her.

A GOOD INTENTION THAT DOESN’T HELP PAVE THE ROAD TO HELL
Hidden Figures is down to number seven and I finally did my duty as a Black person and saw it! It’s good, not great. Very much a high production TV movie, because in the end all the bigoted White people come around to respect and admire the hard-working capable Black people. And the director even admitted it was to give the White audience something. Now it will go on forever, required viewing for both Black History Month and Women’s History Month in classrooms all over the country.

YUAN GON’ GET NO MONEY FROM THIS
The Great Wall is down to number eight and honestly I have no issue with the idea of an outsider coming in to help with a fight so long as he isn’t the “savior” of the people who’ve been fighting it all this time. At least not without good reason, you know like some advanced technology or strategy, but the Chinese invented fucking gunpowder and The Art of War so what the fuck could Matt Damon really do for them!?! And this isn’t the first big budget movie that throws Western actors (aka White actors) into a period piece in an attempt to get both Chinese and American audiences. Nicholas Cage has been in one (no surprise) and so has John Cusack (and his had Jackie Chan in it)! This is their first attempt with an A-list star, but it fared no better. File under “Great Mistakes Made In The Naked Pursuit of International Money.”

HIS PERSONAL HELL CONTINUES
Fifty Shades Darker is down to number nine and this doubled its budget domestically and made 6x worldwide, so if you think they’re not going to finish out the trilogy, keep dreaming, Jamie Dornan.

THE NOT WINNER OF BEST PICTURE
Finally, La La Land closes out the Top Ten at number ten so it can continue onto home video and maybe, just maybe I’ll catch it on cable one day. And have you noticed the way to succeed in Hollywood is not to be in a successful comic book movie franchise, but in a disappointing one? Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone were in the Spider-Man reboot and now she’s got an Oscar while he got a nomination. Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller were in the Fantastic Four reboot and were also in critically praised Oscar-nominated movies. Meanwhile, The Chrises Hemsworth and Evans keep trying big and small for respect and come up empty. If it makes you feel better, boys, you’re taller and prettier than they are. Including Emma Stone.

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YOU TAME A DRAGON WITH TATUM!

15 Jun

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1. 22 Jump Street/Sony                                       Wknd/$ 60.0     Total/$ 60.0
2. How To Train Your Dragon 2/Fox               Wknd/$ 50.0      Total/$ 50.0
3. Maleficent/Disney                                           Wknd/$ 19.0       Total/$ 163.5
4. Edge of Tomorrow/Warners                         Wknd/$ 16.1        Total/$ 56.6
5. The Fault In Our Stars/Fox                           Wknd/$ 15.7        Total/$ 81.7
6. X-Men: Days of Future Past/Fox                 Wknd/$ 9.5          Total/$ 205.9
7. Godzilla/Warner                                              Wknd/$ 3.2          Total/$ 191.3
8. A Million Ways To Die in the West              Wknd/$ 3.2          Total/$ 39.0
9. Neighbors/Universal                                       Wknd/$ 2.5         Total/$ 143.1
10. Chef/ORF                                                         Wknd/$ 2.3         Total/$ 14.1

“LIVER & POTATOES, PLEASE” SAID NO ONE EVER.
22 Jump Street opens at number one and I’m serious: Jonah Hill is on my list of actors I will look at only if I have to, right next to Seth Rogen. It had better be some big-ticket item like an Oscar-bait Scorsese film or it’s simply not going to happen. Give this is clearly not from Marty, it’s safe to say I gave it a pass, though clearly one of the few. I like Channing Tatum…enough. He’s like a big potato; only as tasty as what you add to it and teaming him with Jonah Hill is like adding liver.

HOW TO TAME MULTI-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTERS
How To Train Your Dragon 2 opens at number two, which was a great surprise to everyone given it’s a big animated film. Me, I’m not so surprised give how the first was just good and not much else. It was the definition of perfunctory, utterly lacking in any ambition beyond simply telling a simple story. This is more of the same, if not beautifully so. Seeing the giant alpha dragons almost made me wish I’d seen it in IMAX. Almost. It’s just that gorgeous, as are most of the flight scenes. What’s steadily earthbound is a script where there are earth-shattering emotional events that are simply glossed over as if they were nothing. As the commercials and trailers show, Hiccup’s mother is still alive and is a dragonrider herself. Seems she’s been with them all this time, letting her loving husband and infant son think she was dead…and neither of them care. Seriously. Not even a single, “Why didn’t you come back to see me?” Nothing. No. Thing. A complete and utter abandonment by a wife and parent results in zero resentment from the characters. They’re just a happy family again. Bear in mind she’s the caretaker of FLYING DRAGONS. She could have gone home at any time. She just didn’t. Her excuse was that she believed dragons were not evil but no one there did, so why try? You know the way her son did in the first film and basically changed their culture in a week? Because he actually tried. Once again, you shouldn’t go into the deep water if you can’t swim and they can’t even float. This is what it has in common with the number three film, Maleficent. It also tries to go into the deep water by having the king and Maleficent be in a previous relationship, but also backs away from it, but at least they muddy the water a little (he can’t kill her because he loves her and she loves his daughter), in what is purely a soulless, naked, corporate money grab. There’s not so much as a dust cloud here. But it is purty.

ALWAYS A PLACE FOR OLD MEN
Edge of Tomorrow is down to number four here and also in this is Brendan Gleeson and if you’re paying attention, if Tom Cruise likes you, you’ll be back in one of his other films. Robert Duvall was in Days of Thunder and returned in Jack Reacher. Brendan Gleeson, who also improves anything he’s in, was in Mission Impossible II and returns here as the general who sends Tom Cruise to the front for being a coward, but you should really check him out in The Guard with Don Cheadle. He was cheated out of an Oscar nod for it. Then again, people would have to see it first…

AMERICA’S NEW SWEETHEART
The Fault in Our Stars is down to number four and your new Jennifer Lawrence is…Shailene Woodley. She’s got the critical acclaim and now a one-two punch of box office success with a franchise (Divergent) and now a romantic drama. It would have been two franchises, but her role as Mary Jane in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 was cut. Right now there’s someone at Sony combing through her contract to see if she’s obligated to come back for fear of losing his job.

PRETTY WOMAN SUCKED THEN AND SUCKS NOW
Speaking of Jennifer Lawrence, X-Men Days of Future Past is down to number six and it’s no accident her role was bumped up or that she and Hugh Jackman are the most prominent on the poster. This actually gives her two franchises in addition to the prestige stuff she keeps getting Oscar nominations for. It’s good there’s a new Jennifer Lawrence as she’s moving on to be the new Julia Roberts, that all-encompassing movie star who can’t fail. Except she can actually act.

NOTHING MORE LEFT TO BE SAID
Godzilla is down number seven, A Million Ways to Die in The West is down to number eight and Neighbors is down to number nine.

IRON CHEF?
Chef finally drops a notch to ten and is probably coming to the end of its noble little run. You done good, Jon (he’s also behind the TV adaptation of About A Boy, which will be coming back). Hope you made a little loot and learned a lesson.

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SLEEPING ON THE SCREENPLAY

2 Jun

Carla Gallo as Lizzie on UNDECLARED on FOX.  ª©2001FOX BROADCASTING  CR:FOX

1. Maleficent/Disney                                         Wknd/$ 70.0      Total/$ 70.0
2. X-Men: Days of Future Past/Fox              Wknd/$ 32.6       Total/$ 162.1
3. A Million Ways To Die in the West           Wknd/$ 17.1        Total/$ 17.1
4.Godzilla/Warner                                            Wknd/$ 12.2       Total/$ 174.7
5. Blended/Warner                                           Wknd/$ 8.4         Total/$ 29.6
6. Neighbors/Universal                                   Wknd/$ 7.7          Total/$ 128.6
7. The Amazing Spider-Man 2/Sony             Wknd/$ 3.8         Total/$ 192.7
8. Million Dollar Arm/Disney                        Wknd/$ 3.8         Total/$ 28.1
9. Chef/ORF                                                       Wknd/$ 2.0         Total/$ 6.9
10. The Other Woman/Fox                             Wknd/$ 1.4          Total/$ 81.1

YOU WON’T NEED A SPELL TO SLEEP FOR THIS ONE
Maleficent opens at number one and it takes a special talent (or lack thereof) to waste Angelina Jolie, a classic Disney character and $180M. Not to mention the interesting twist on the story of Sleeping Beauty that the king and Maleficent were once in love, hence her hatred of the child that could have easily have been hers. The movie even makes Maleficent the surrogate mother of the child, but never, ever deals with that aspect of it. In fact, their love is lost as she becomes “the good guy” and he just becomes “the bad guy.” Disney is very, very bad with gray, and so rushes back to their comfort zone of “black and white” “good and evil” whenever they can even though they insist Maleficent is both things. No. No, she’s not. If she and the king had been allowed to be both, then this would have been a much better film. The premise of the film is that there are neighboring kingdoms of fairy-folk and people and the people hated the fairy folk because they were living a much more awesome life and don’t have a king. Seriously. That’s the only reason. When the first king attacks and fails he promises his kingdom to the person who brings him the head of Maleficent. The man who has loved Maleficent from childhood sees this as a chance to rise in power but cannot bring himself to kill her, so only takes her wings as proof of her “death.” What the film overlooks is apparently he never attacked the fairylands again. A better film would have gone into the gray are of it possibly being a worthy sacrifice for her or his guilt over the betrayal that robs her of flight, but this isn’t a better film. This is a Disney film of sad absolutes and winds up being utterly disappointing and a waste of two hours of your life. Oh, it’s only 90 minutes, but it feels like two freaking hours because it’s that boring, which is the only thing worse than bad.

STRAIGHT TO THE BANK IS ALL THAT MATTERS
X-Men: Days of Future Past is down to number two, but it’s already at $500M worldwide so no one cares. Also returning for this is Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde, and you know she never thought she’d have to honor that multi-film contract after X-Men: The Last Stand. But given her recent coming out (which was news to those of you who are utterly clueless) a success like this couldn’t have come at a better time.

AND LIKE THE SIMPSONS, IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO KILL
A Million Ways to Die in the West opens at number three and apparently those adolescent fans (in body as well as mind) who love Seth McFarlane don’t so much love the sight of him. A voice on Family Guy or Ted? Sure. In person? Not so much. I’ve never been a fan of Family Guy. It’s basically The Simpsons for really, really, really stupid people. Who love penis jokes. And while there are clearly more of them than we ever imagined, not enough to beat out geeks and actual children at the box office. Though it only cost $40M to make, it’s doubtful this is going to make 3x its budget with a new Big Summer Movie coming out every week. And that makes me happy, because I’m not a really, really, really stupid fan of penis jokes.

NOT ALL GIANT MONSTERS ARE THE SAME. THEY’RE NOT! STOP LAUGHING!
Godzilla is down to number four and the director of this was the director of another monster film, called simply, Monsters. And while this worked out for the most part it just goes to show you the utterly simplistic thinking process of Hollywood. “Oh, he directed a low-key, moody film about giant monsters that nobody saw. Let’s give him $160M to make our big summer blockbuster about a monster that everyone wants to see.” It’s why Godzilla isn’t seen for the first 30 minutes and when he does it’s in quick glimpses…at night. Yeah, I’m still annoyed by that.

USUALLY IT’S VIRGIN/WHORE, BUT WE’RE JUMPING STRAIGHT TO WHORE HERE
Blended is down to number five, followed at number six by Neighbors and apparently Seth Rogen is giving work (he’s listed as a producer) to his fellow Apatow alum, Carla Gallo who also appears in this. I hope he treats her better than Apatow has done. Let me put it his way: since playing the female lead in Undeclared, her roles in Apatow films has been as “Toe Sucking Girl” (40 Year Old Virgin) “Gag Me Girl” (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and “Period Blood Girl” (Superbad). She was also the girl in Get Him To The Greek who used a dildo on Jonah Hill. I think that says it all.

‘CAUSE WHO UNDERSTANDS CHICKS? AMIRITE?
The Amazing Spider-Man is down to number seven followed by Million Dollar Arm at number eight and Chef holding on at number nine. As I said before, it’s good but not perfect and nowhere is that clearer than in the roles of the women. Scarlett Johansson is the fantasy hostess who supports and sleeps with Jon Favreau and is never seen again, while Sofia Vergara is the fantasy ex-wife who is nothing but supportive even while Favreau neglects their son time and time again. But that’s par the course with Favreau. If you remember Swingers, women weren’t fully formed there either. Come on, dude. You should be better at this by now.

BUT I STILL BLAME THE REST OF YOU MORE
Finally, The Other Woman closes out the top ten at number ten and at $172M worldwide from a $40M budget, Cameron Diaz is carving out a little niche for herself of successful, yet painfully mediocre comedies. What Happens in Vegas, Bad Teacher and now this. I don’t expect Sex Tape will be much better, but like most of these I will still be there hoping for the best. So, basically, even though I didn’t see The Other Woman, I’m part of the problem.

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