Tag Archives: catwoman

BITCHES BE CRAZY THE MOVIE

27 Apr

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1. The Other Woman/Fox                                  Wknd/$ 25.7      Total/$ 24.7
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier        Wknd/$ 16.1       Total/$ 224.9
3. Heaven is for Real/TriStar                            Wknd/$ 13.7      Total/$ 51.9
4. Rio 2/Fox                                                          Wknd/$ 13.7      Total/$ 96.2
5. Brick Mansions/Relativity                            Wknd/$ 9.6        Total/$ 9.6
6. Transendence/Warners                                 Wknd/$ 4.1        Total/$ 18.5
7. The Quiet Ones/LGF                                      Wknd/$ 4.0        Total/$ 4.0
8. Bears/Disney                                                   Wknd/$ 3.6        Total/$ 11.2
9. Divergent/LGF                                                Wknd/$ 3.6        Total/$ 139.5
10. A Haunted House 2/ORF                            Wknd/$ 3.3        Total/$ 9.1

AMIRITE FELLAS? THE MOVIE
The Other Woman opens at number one and this is some sadness right here. A movie about three attractive women whose only focal point in life is getting back at some dude? Really? Even The First Wives Club was at least partially about trying to move on, with living well being the best revenge, not you, know actual freaking revenge. And these were actual wives with a lifetime of a investment including kids, whereas two of these three are just girlfriends, who had to be dumb as rocks for him to as unavailable as he was not to have noticed something was amiss. I swear this movie was made by a bunch of dudes who’d never met a woman in their lives and wanted an excuse to meet Cameron Diaz and Kate Upton. Sorry, Leslie Mann, but that’s just how it is. Your first clue was being offered the wife role and not either of the girlfriends. And honestly this is a Cameron Diaz joint. It’s another feather in her cap to have success with an utterly crappy movie wherein she is clearly the biggest star.

FATHER TIME, UNDEFEATED
Captain America: The Winter Soldier is down to number two and can we talk about how much it hurts to see Robert Redford so visibly old onscreen? Well, it does. Kinda makes you glad Sean Connery retired before he got to the point where he looked frail so you can still remember him as somewhat vibrant. And it’s not like Redford has action scenes. He’s just stands there and talks and still he looks a tad thin. Heavy sigh. And yes, there’s a scene where you see a bottle of Paul Newman’s Salad Dressing behind him, so they’re reunited one more time.

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK MY ASS
Heaven is For Real is down to number three, but is still making waves as success due to a $51M return on a $12M budget. I’d make joke about that’s typical for films about the supernatural, but I don’t want those Christians coming after me. They’re scary and ironically unforgiving.

IT ALL COMES BACK TO MY COMIC BOOK COLLECTION
Rio 2 is down to number four and returning as the voices to keep their names in the game without having to expend too much effort are Anne Hathaway and Jessie Eisenberg. It’s a win-win situation. They get a hit without necessarily being openly tied to it if it fails. But you know it’s killing Anne Hathaway that she’s in this and not Frozen. Killing. Her. And because I’m a geek I have to point out that she played Catwoman and he’ll be playing Lex Luthor.

SOME THINGS JUST DON’T TRANSLATE
Brick Mansions opens at number five and this is a remake of a French film called District B13, from the same producers who realized that Americans won’t even watch an action movie in another language. Even grunts have to be in English. It’s the final completed film from Paul Walker as he died before Fast & The Furious 7 could be finished. That kinda puts a damper on it for me (whereas the darker theme of The Crow was only unaffected by Brandon Lee’s death but maybe even enhanced by it), not that I’d have seen it anyway mainly because I find parkour—the French activity (it’s not a sport) of acrobatically jumping on, off and around buildings—pretty stupid and that’s actually the selling point of the original. All I can think about is the massive amount of undue stress they’re putting on their joints with all that jumping on concrete. Concrete is so unyielding it’s actually better for you to run on the street, because asphalt has more give.

IT’S NOT OFFICIAL UNTIL CHRISTOPHER LEE SHOWS UP
Transcendence is down to number six followed by The Quiet Ones opening at number seven and this is disappointing in more ways than one because this is the first film from the newly revived Hammer Films, who brought back as type of classic horror in the early 60’s (after a decade of science fiction monsters in the 50’s) by adding blood and cleavage. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you why the same people who went to see Oculus or Paranormal Activity gave this a pass. It falls squarely under my “I don’t do the scary rule” but how those people that do pick and choose is totally beyond me. I’m sure the makers of this are scratching their heads as well.

BUY AN SUV AND SAVE THE BEARS!
Bears is up to number eight and I just find all nature documentaries depressing now knowing we’re basically killing the planet. Then I remember we aren’t really killing the planet so much as killing our ability to live on it and once we’re dead all the animals that survive us will live happily ever after. So ironically, if you love animals you shouldn’t do anything to you’re supposed to do to protect them because that stuff is killing us too!

WHO MISSES THE 00’S ALREADY? PART 1.
Divergent is down to number nine with A Haunted House closing out the top ten at number ten having made more than 3x its budget, so there’ll probably be a third one. Also in this is Jamie Pressly, best known to most of you as Joy, the mean ex-wife on My Name Is Earl, but my first awareness of her came from the sequel to Poison Ivy that nobody wanted. She spent most of her life training as a gymnast and nowhere is it I more evident than in one of my favorite guilty pleasures: DOA: Dead or Alive. Or as I call it “Camel Toe Kung Fu.”

VISIT:

The Original: Angrygeek.com

The Pictures: FormerBoyWonderPhoto.com

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GET YOUR ASS TO A BETTER MOVIE

5 Aug

1. The Dark Knight Rises/Warners            Wknd/$   36.4            Total/$ 354.6

 2. Total Recall/Sony                                      Wknd/$   26.0            Total/$  26.0

 3. Diary of a Wimpy Kid 3/Fox                   Wknd/$   14.7             Total/$   14.7

 4. Ice Age 4/Fox                                              Wknd/$     8.4            Total/$ 131.9

 5. The Watch/Fox                                           Wknd/$     6.4            Total/$   25.4

 6. Ted/Universal                                             Wknd/$     5.5            Total/$ 203.4

 7. Step Up Revolution/Summit                    Wknd/$     5.3            Total/$   23.1

 8. Amazing Spider-Man/Sony                      Wknd/$     4.3            Total/$ 250.6

 9. Brave/Disney                                                Wknd/$     2.9           Total/$ 223.3

10. Magic Mike/Warner                                    Wknd/$     1.4           Total/$ 110.9

 

LET’S TALK ABOUT PUSSY

The Dark Knight Rises holds at number one and I actually liked Anne Hathaway as Catwoman.  She had the right combination of playfulness and amorality that Catwoman is supposed to have.  I know people like to cite Michelle Pfeiffer, but Michelle Pfeiffer didn’t play Catwoman. She played a Tim Burton character named Catwoman, but there’s nothing about her than was ever a part of Catwoman in the comics.  She was just another freak in his parade of freaks. Danny DeVito didn’t play The Penguin either. He played Edward Flipperhands.  But all the Catwomen live in the shadow of Julie Newmar.  She defined the character.  Not to mention she was the absolute hottest.  She freaking danced with Fosse.  These others have nothing on her.

 

THERE IS NO PARTY

Total Recall opens at number two and this commits the gravest sin any movie can, even worse than being bad: it’s boring.  This is bad in any movie but it’s twice as bad in an action movie.  Utterly unforgivable when it’s a remake of a movie known for its over-the-top action.  Let’s go with the first mistake here: Len Wiseman as the director.  He’s a B-list actioner who strangely gets to direct A-list budget, which is how you get Live Free or Die Hard and this.   He’s better when only allowed limited resources and control, not greater.  Your second mistake was the very limited scope of the movie.  The first time we went to Mars.  Here, the world has been destroyed with the exception of England and Australia and you travel between them on an elevator through the center of the Earth. If only that was as much fun as it sounds. This is such an over-the-top concept it demanded an over-the-top movie.  What it got was the lackluster vision of a limited mind. When Luc Besson clearly borrowed from Blade Runner, he made it bigger and brighter.  Here you see elements of Blade Runner and The Fifth Element made smaller and dimmer.  And it doesn’t even follow its own premise.  If the world is limited and cramped, why do Colin Farrell and Kate Beckinsale still seem to have a nice apartment?  It makes no sense that they repeatedly refer to it as a dump.  The future still looks too nice to be so horrible.  Now Blade Runner made living in the city look like crap and it didn’t have to destroy 99% of the world to do it.  And the apartment Bruce Willis had was genuinely tiny.  But these are just details.  The real problem is the action scenes are dull.  There’s not an iota of kinetic energy when Colin Farrell suddenly realizes he got the skills of James Bond and takes out an entire police squad and it doesn’t get any better as the film progresses, not matter how much jumping, shooting and robot punching they do.  The performances are equally muted.  Everyone is sleepwalking through this for a paycheck and it shows. They all knew it was a mistake and wisely chose to save their energies for something else.  The only exception is Kate Beckinsale who was obligated by being the director’s wife to try, giving it her best shot to fill not just the shoes of Sharon Stone but of Michael Ironside as well as their roles of wife and hunter were basically combined.  Maybe she tries so hard because she realized if she actually succeeded in killing Colin Farrell the movie would be over.

 

UM, OKAY

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days opens at number three and this has become quite the little franchise while no one was watching…including myself.

 

APPARENTLY MOVIES ARE HARDER THAN 2-MINUTE SHORTS. WHO KNEW?

Ice Age: Continental Drift is down to number four, followed by The Watch at number five and you’d think this would be funnier given it was directed by a guy who is a member of Lonely Island and directs all their videos.  You’d be wrong.  You’re probably better off watching “Jizz In My Pants” again.

 

WITH THE EXCEPTION OF THE REF

Ted is down to number six, followed by Step Up Revolution at number seven and The Amazing Spider-Man at number eight and also in this is Dennis Leary as Emma Stone’s dad.  He’s also a voice in Ice Age so he’s technically got two films in the top ten and there was a brief moment when he thought he could be a comedic lead.  You’ll see them turn up on cable in the wee hours of the morning all the time.  And once you have you’ll realize he’s lucky to have this.

 

EVEN THE COOKING RAT DID BETTER

Brave is down to number nine and still has yet to double its budget worldwide. That’s pretty sad.  Especially when you realize that crap like Ice Age Pt 29 has made over $700M.

 

WAIT. ARE YOU SAYING THAT SEX SELLS TO WOMEN?  SERIOUSLY?

Magic Mike finally closes out the top ten at number ten and technically is the most profitable film of the summer, even more than The Avengers which crossed the billion dollar mark.  While The Avengers has made six times its budget, Magic Mike has made fifteen times its cost.  That’s some cheese on your whopper.

 

CHARIOTS OF FIRE 2012

When I was a kid, The Olympics was the worst thing ever. It was two weeks when all your favorite shows wouldn’t be on.  Now, I was actually excited, even watching fucking swimming prelims a few months ago.  I don’t know when this happened, but I’m actually glad because it’s two weeks of totally interesting, suspenseful TV. You find yourself watching shit you’d never watch and being captivated.  Trampoline as an Olympic sport is stupid…until you see it.  And there’s an unending sense of awe of seeing people who have spent literally decades training their bodies to be the best in world for events where it’s only required for a few seconds.  There’s also the cheap thrill of ogling said bodies because they’re like Greek statues come to life.  As someone who does swim, I naturally like the swimming, but even though I hate running, that’s fun to watch too.  Especially the women.  As a geek it made me think about the competition the Amazons had in the comics to see who got to become Wonder Woman.  When the show came on in the 70’s it was a bunch of less-than-athletic models and actresses, when it should like the Olympics, where it’s pure muscle and sinew.  But ironically about the same about serious cheekbones.  And there’s still another week to go!  And when it ends, football’s back.