OH, CALM DOWN. NOBODY IS RAPING YOUR CHILDHOOD.

10 Aug

Star_lord_1
1. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par             Wknd/$ 65.0    Total/$ 65.0
2. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 41.5     Total/$ 175.9
3. Into The Storm/WB                                       Wknd/$ 18.0     Total/$ 18.0
4. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney           Wknd/$ 11.1      Total/$ 11.1
5. Lucy/Universal                                                Wknd/$ 9.3       Total/$ 97.4
6. Step Up All In/LG                                           Wknd/$ 6.6       Total/$ 6.6
7. Hercules/Paramount                                      Wknd/$ 5.7       Total/$ 63.5
8. Get on Up/Universal                                      Wknd/$ 5.0       Total/$ 22.9
9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox           Wknd/$ 4.4       Total/$ 197.8
10. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                    Wknd/$ 2.4       Total/$ 53.0

SOMEWHERE CORY FELDMAN WEEPS
Am I the only person not surprised that Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles opened at number one? It’s a reboot of a childhood favorite. It’s like being surprised that Transformers or Scooby Doo opened at number one. Nostalgia plus a crapload of CGI will put butts in seats (unless you’re Speed Racer that is). Now, as old geek I remember the comic (it was a parody of all that was successful in comics at the time: teen superheroes, mutants and ninjas) but never read it. I also never watched the TV series. I did see the first film, but passed on its sequels only to return to the animated feature a few years back. So while I’ve no loyalty to it, I’m not instantly dismissive either. The simple fact Michael Bay was a producer took care of that. The more I saw of this the less I was inclined to see it. It looked as slick and as joyless as pretty every other thing he touches. I personally think he only made it just to remind Megan Fox where each sat in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was on top and she…well, she was far from it and every time a new hot girl shows up like Kate Upton or that girl from the “Blurred Lines” video, she gets pushed down a little bit further—unless she just happens to be in a successful movie primed for sequels. Like this one. Never underestimate what a jerk will go through to avenge his ego.

TIME TO DROP SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR ASS
Guardians of the Galaxy is down to number two and while I loved the movie this isn’t my Starlord. Then again neither was the original Starlord. The original Starlord was, well…Space Jesus. He was born as the result of a planetary convergence. “The galaxy” basically impregnated his mother. Welcome to comics, people. His father, like Joseph, knew the kid wasn’t his, but unlike Joseph no angel shows up to set him straight, so he’s about to kill the kid with an axe when he “suddenly” has a heart attack. The Universe don’t like ugly. So Peter Quill grows up strangely loving the stars when one day he just happens to see random aliens land—and then they kill his mother. He grows up wanting revenge, joins NASA and when The Master of Earth’s sun—who just happens to look a whole lot like what people imagine God to look like—appears offering the “Starlord” mantle to someone of earth, he basically steals it from the guy NASA choose and becomes Starlord. He’s given powers and a sentient ship called “Ship” (who is also female and may be in love with him) so he can go do good deeds throughout the universe. Which he does…right after he kills the aliens who killed his mom. The Starlord I love was from Chris Claremont and John Byrne (famous for their work on The X-Men). They took over they decided it shouldn’t just be “random aliens” who just show up and kill his mother. They also abandoned the whole “cosmic impregnation” idea. Starlord’s dad was an space prince who crash landed on Earth, fell in love with his mother while repairing his ship and then wiped her mind when he left because he wasn’t sure the ship could get him home and didn’t want her waiting in case he died. Unfortunately she hooked up with her childhood sweetheart almost immediately after and then we’re back to the original story as it was before except he finally does meet his dad and finds out that his great uncle sent a single alien there to kill them both so that there’d be no heir to the throne. Starlord kills the alien who killed his mother and then his uncle who hired him. He then rejects the throne to continue doing good deeds in space. Pure over-dramatic, humor-free space opera and I loved it. Then it was changed the Master of the Sun actually being one of the aliens who killed his mother (so clearly not God) and the uncle assassination plot was gone. There was another version after that (welcome to comics, people) before reaching our latest one, which is back to the second one where mom is murdered by aliens, but this time simply because they’re trying to kill his bloodline. Also now Peter kills them right there on the spot. No evil uncle, but we still have NASA and “God” giving him the job of Starlord. The movie is different even still and this is why people who read comics are crazy.

LIKE PORN, ONE DAY WE’RE JUST GOING TO GET RID OF THE PLOT, PERIOD
Into The Storm opens at number three and I almost admire this for just being flat out disaster porn with no apologies. It’s just an excuse to have Mother Nature open up a can of CGI whup-ass. None of that crap about estranged couples, scientific research, yadda-yadda that made Twister so difficult to sit through and why almost no one remembers it. While I’m sure there’s some attempt at a story, I’m also sure it’s the definition of threadbare and doesn’t get in the way of what people are there to see: all the planes at an airport being sucked into a tornado!

ONE BAD MEAL IS ALL YOU GET TO SERVE ME.
The Hundred Foot Journey opens at number four and I’m a lover of some food porn (it’s all porn this week, people). Eat, Drink, Man Woman, Big Night, Mostly Martha, Dinner Rush and the most recent Chef are prime examples of good movies that wonderfully fetishizing eating. The American remakes of Eat Drink Man Woman (Tortilla Soup) and Mostly Martha (No Reservations) are examples of getting it wrong. Also a failure, Chocolat. How can you have a movie about chocolate with Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp and not come away hungry and horny? By having Lasse Halstrom direct it, that’s how and because he directed this, I gave it a pass, despite the presence of Helen Mirren. Even worse, this film is going same cheap-ass, utterly obnoxious “we deserve a medal simply for trying” route as Chocolat. The producers of Chocolate flat out said they deserved success and Oscar nominations because it had positive message. This, coming from Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey is basically saying the same. How about you realize a movie about food should be about food first and “coming together” second?

WE CALL IT “THE ELVIS EFFECT”
Lucy is down to number five, followed by Step Up All In at number six and this continues to be for street dancing what Rocky was for boxing and every martial arts movie not starring an Asian: white people fantasy. If this were ballet it’d be one thing, but it’s street dancing so who are we kidding? Seriously, it’s like if French kept making football movies about how they were the best there is and kept beating Americans. Or Latin America making baseball movies about how they’re better. Whoops. That’s actually true. But you get my meaning. What’s really funny is how they try to duck this by making sure to have the dance teams interracial, but the people on top, the stars of the movie and the defacto best dancers are always white. Not even an interracial relationship. It’s like the Brown Shirts had a team.

THE SCHADENFREUDE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE
Hercules is down to number seven and you’d think after three weeks, I’d stop giggling how this tanked, but you’d be wrong.

SOMEWHERE JAMES BROWN IS PISSED PRINCE GAVE NOT A DIME
Get On Up is down to number eight and this is chock full of actual musicians. Not only was it produced in part by Mick Jagger, but also in the cast are Jill Scott and Aloe Blacc, which is not a type a skin cream but the guy who sings “I’m The Man” from all those headphone commercials. He’s basically proof that the world needed a new Bill Withers. He even does a song to make you cry about an elderly relative. But I doubt it’ll be sampled to become something as awesome as “No Diggity” the way “Grandma’s Hands” was.

THE END
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number nine followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue closing out the top ten at number ten.

VISIT

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