Tag Archives: Into The Storm

FRANK MILLER SUCKS. THAT IS ALL.

25 Aug

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1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                  Wknd/$ 17.6    Total/$ 251.9
2. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par            Wknd/$ 16.8    Total/$ 145.6
3. If I Stay/WB                                                     Wknd/$ 16.3    Total/$ 16.4
4. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                           Wknd/$ 11. 0    Total/$ 45.2
5. When The Game Stands Tall/TS                 Wknd/$ 9.0      Total/$ 9.0
6. The Giver/Weinstein                                      Wknd/$ 6.7      Total/$ 24.1
7. The Expendables 3/LGF                                Wknd/$ 6.6      Total/$ 27.5
8. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For                        Wknd/$ 6.5      Total/$ 6.5
9. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney           Wknd/$ 5.6      Total/$ 32.8
10. Into The Storm/WB                                      Wknd/$ 3.8     Total/$ 38.3

AND LORD OF THE RINGS CAME FROM KING ARTHUR. GET OVER IT.
Guardians of the Galaxy returns to the number one spot and also in this is Glenn Close and if this comes as a surprise to you I have to ask you where the hell you’ve been for 35 years, as A-list dramatic stars have been part of superhero movies since Superman The Movie opened with Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman billed above the title. Still, even after Jack Nicholson, Michael Caine, Jeff Bridges, Cliff Robertson, Anthony Hopkins, Tommy Lee Jones, Nick Nolte, Sam Elliot, Peter O’Toole, Faye Dunaway, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, John Travolta and Morgan Freeman have all appeared in them, people are still surprised to see them there. It’s called show “business” people and if there is no business there will be no show. It’s the new “animated movie” where stars want an easy mainstream gig to pad both their resumes and bank accounts with hits. Glenn plays Nova Prime who is the head of the Nova Corps, a type of intergalactic police force which was a very clearly rip off of the Green Lantern Corps in the Green Lantern comics, (which in turn were a rip off of the Lensmen series of science fiction novels). This, however worked out much better for Glen Close than basically everyone in the Green Lantern movie as the success of this film opens the door for a Nova solo film. Oh, and guess who’s going to be in the Ant Man movie currently filming? Michael Douglas.

ACTUALLY SOFT CORE PORN WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles is down to number two and while this is also based on a comic book, to be in this basically means you’re desperate and one step away from soft-core porn on Cinemax or a eponymously named sitcom. Only one of those I’d actually watch.

NOT A COMPARISON YOU WANT MADE
If I Stay Opens at number three and this is based on a Young Adult novel, a section of the bookstore still being pillaged by movie studios all trying to get the “next big hit.” Clearly this ain’t it. I don’t read, so I know nothing about it, but as a movie the plot of someone in a coma reminds me of that horrible Reese Witherspoon thing, Just Like Heaven, which helped drag both hers and Mark Ruffalo’s careers down. The difference being Ruffalo had no problem doing a superhero movie, whereas Reese Witherspoon has made it clear she’ll never do anything like that. Really? Enjoy starring in “Reese” next fall on NBC.

THE GREAT ESCAPE
Let’s Be Cops is down to number four and I’m actually happy for the success of this film because I like the two guys in it and cannot stand the TV show “Zoe Deschanel is Just So Precious.” Though you might know it as “New Girl.” They’re both on it and this is one step closer to them being set free. Especially Marlon Wayans Jr., who was in the much, much, MUCH superior Happy Endings. Though ironically he was in the pilot for New Girl, but left it for Happy Endings, only to return when it was cancelled, so he’s owed this.

AND HOW MANY NFL PLAYERS CAME OUT OF THAT? EXACTLY.
When The Game Stands Tall opens at number five and I’m actually glad this didn’t do better because while I love football I cannot stand this “Football Is A Holy Religion That Will Cure All” mentality and this film utterly comes from that type of thinking. It’s “based on a true event” which means it’s all but fictional and the fiction will overtake the truth like that Remember The Titans movie with Denzel Washington (the coach was a jerk and hated). This is about a high school team that went undefeated for years then lost. OH. MY GOD! THE HUMANITY! They lost a football game!?! In high school!?! How could they go on!?! Seriously, who gives a crap? High school football players should only be in movies as the villains to the quirky, artistic protagonist, period.

I ALSO DON’T BELIEVE IN THE INTERNET. OR MOBILE PHONES.
The Giver is down to number five and this is another science fiction/fantasy Young Adult adaptation and remember how I said that comic book movies were the new way for actors to pad their resumes and bank accounts? Coming up a close second on that are YA adaptations. I mean look at the adult cast list for The Hunger Games. And here you’ve got Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, though it must be noted Bridges has been trying to get this made for so long he envisioned his father, Lloyd, in the role he himself is playing. Fine. So it’s the exception to the rule. I stand by my cynical observation. Now, you’d think I’d have seen this if for no other reason than the science fiction angle. Well, maybe, but I was on vacation and if I don’t see a film opening week, my chances of ever seeing it at all are slight. Also, I just have a old man prejudice against Young Adult. They’re just not “real” books to me.

THREE STRIKES YOU’RE OUT. TIME FOR ROCKY 18.
The Expendables 3 has dropped to number six and I probably would have seen this as well had I not been on vacation even though I know it’s complete and utter crap. Even worse, it’s selling out its weak-ass premise. The whole conceit of the film was that it was a bunch of old action stars together. That’s it. It’s a one trick pony. Realizing that was why people saw it, the second film decided to wink so hard at the audience that it sprained an eye muscle and the Expendables 2 did less business than the first film. See, the joke only goes so far then you actually have to make an movie worth watching and honestly they didn’t even do that in the first film and the second one was even worse, despite Chuck Norris, Bruce Willis and Arnold doing actual action scenes instead of just cameos and Jean Claude Van Damme showing up as the villain. This sent them into panic mode and rather than just trying to make a better movie, they lowered the water and opted for a PG-13 rating with more of the same crap. As if anyone didn’t let their kid see the first two because of that. Not even the inclusion of Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson and Wesley Snipes as well as a bunch young people (the less said about Kelsey Grammar the better) could make up for this series’ diminishing returns. Look for a fourth one to show up directly on cable if at all.

YOU’RE BETTER OFF KILLING FOR A BETTER WRITER
Sin City: A Dame To Kill For opens at number eight and I don’t know why I went to see this given I’ve never been a fan of the Sin City series or Frank Miller or even the first film. Oh, I know why: Eva Green. She was the best thing about 300: Rise of an Empire and she’s the best thing about this piece of crap. Like The Expendables there was a “gimmick” to get people in to see it. In this case it was visually mimicking Frank Miller’s artistic style, but like The Expendables, once that was done you still had to make a movie worth seeing and given Miller’s bleak, cynical, misogynist, derivative books aren’t even worth reading, that they didn’t make a good film is not surprising. It’s also not surprising that like the Expendables sequel this sequel underperformed as well. People are aware there’s nothing beneath the surface…and the surface gets old fast. Eva Green, however, is a film noir movie waiting to happen. Her raspy voice and intense look make her a natural for a femme fatale that a knight in tarnished armor would risk all to save, even though he knows she’s lying to him the whole time. Also look for any further sequels to show up directly on cable and honestly it would work better as series of half hour episodes. Too short to grow weary of the bleakness and style and realize there’s not much else there.

THE END
A Hundred Foot Journey is down to number nine followed by Into The Storm closing out the top ten at number ten.

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OH, CALM DOWN. NOBODY IS RAPING YOUR CHILDHOOD.

10 Aug

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1. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par             Wknd/$ 65.0    Total/$ 65.0
2. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 41.5     Total/$ 175.9
3. Into The Storm/WB                                       Wknd/$ 18.0     Total/$ 18.0
4. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney           Wknd/$ 11.1      Total/$ 11.1
5. Lucy/Universal                                                Wknd/$ 9.3       Total/$ 97.4
6. Step Up All In/LG                                           Wknd/$ 6.6       Total/$ 6.6
7. Hercules/Paramount                                      Wknd/$ 5.7       Total/$ 63.5
8. Get on Up/Universal                                      Wknd/$ 5.0       Total/$ 22.9
9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox           Wknd/$ 4.4       Total/$ 197.8
10. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                    Wknd/$ 2.4       Total/$ 53.0

SOMEWHERE CORY FELDMAN WEEPS
Am I the only person not surprised that Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles opened at number one? It’s a reboot of a childhood favorite. It’s like being surprised that Transformers or Scooby Doo opened at number one. Nostalgia plus a crapload of CGI will put butts in seats (unless you’re Speed Racer that is). Now, as old geek I remember the comic (it was a parody of all that was successful in comics at the time: teen superheroes, mutants and ninjas) but never read it. I also never watched the TV series. I did see the first film, but passed on its sequels only to return to the animated feature a few years back. So while I’ve no loyalty to it, I’m not instantly dismissive either. The simple fact Michael Bay was a producer took care of that. The more I saw of this the less I was inclined to see it. It looked as slick and as joyless as pretty every other thing he touches. I personally think he only made it just to remind Megan Fox where each sat in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was on top and she…well, she was far from it and every time a new hot girl shows up like Kate Upton or that girl from the “Blurred Lines” video, she gets pushed down a little bit further—unless she just happens to be in a successful movie primed for sequels. Like this one. Never underestimate what a jerk will go through to avenge his ego.

TIME TO DROP SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR ASS
Guardians of the Galaxy is down to number two and while I loved the movie this isn’t my Starlord. Then again neither was the original Starlord. The original Starlord was, well…Space Jesus. He was born as the result of a planetary convergence. “The galaxy” basically impregnated his mother. Welcome to comics, people. His father, like Joseph, knew the kid wasn’t his, but unlike Joseph no angel shows up to set him straight, so he’s about to kill the kid with an axe when he “suddenly” has a heart attack. The Universe don’t like ugly. So Peter Quill grows up strangely loving the stars when one day he just happens to see random aliens land—and then they kill his mother. He grows up wanting revenge, joins NASA and when The Master of Earth’s sun—who just happens to look a whole lot like what people imagine God to look like—appears offering the “Starlord” mantle to someone of earth, he basically steals it from the guy NASA choose and becomes Starlord. He’s given powers and a sentient ship called “Ship” (who is also female and may be in love with him) so he can go do good deeds throughout the universe. Which he does…right after he kills the aliens who killed his mom. The Starlord I love was from Chris Claremont and John Byrne (famous for their work on The X-Men). They took over they decided it shouldn’t just be “random aliens” who just show up and kill his mother. They also abandoned the whole “cosmic impregnation” idea. Starlord’s dad was an space prince who crash landed on Earth, fell in love with his mother while repairing his ship and then wiped her mind when he left because he wasn’t sure the ship could get him home and didn’t want her waiting in case he died. Unfortunately she hooked up with her childhood sweetheart almost immediately after and then we’re back to the original story as it was before except he finally does meet his dad and finds out that his great uncle sent a single alien there to kill them both so that there’d be no heir to the throne. Starlord kills the alien who killed his mother and then his uncle who hired him. He then rejects the throne to continue doing good deeds in space. Pure over-dramatic, humor-free space opera and I loved it. Then it was changed the Master of the Sun actually being one of the aliens who killed his mother (so clearly not God) and the uncle assassination plot was gone. There was another version after that (welcome to comics, people) before reaching our latest one, which is back to the second one where mom is murdered by aliens, but this time simply because they’re trying to kill his bloodline. Also now Peter kills them right there on the spot. No evil uncle, but we still have NASA and “God” giving him the job of Starlord. The movie is different even still and this is why people who read comics are crazy.

LIKE PORN, ONE DAY WE’RE JUST GOING TO GET RID OF THE PLOT, PERIOD
Into The Storm opens at number three and I almost admire this for just being flat out disaster porn with no apologies. It’s just an excuse to have Mother Nature open up a can of CGI whup-ass. None of that crap about estranged couples, scientific research, yadda-yadda that made Twister so difficult to sit through and why almost no one remembers it. While I’m sure there’s some attempt at a story, I’m also sure it’s the definition of threadbare and doesn’t get in the way of what people are there to see: all the planes at an airport being sucked into a tornado!

ONE BAD MEAL IS ALL YOU GET TO SERVE ME.
The Hundred Foot Journey opens at number four and I’m a lover of some food porn (it’s all porn this week, people). Eat, Drink, Man Woman, Big Night, Mostly Martha, Dinner Rush and the most recent Chef are prime examples of good movies that wonderfully fetishizing eating. The American remakes of Eat Drink Man Woman (Tortilla Soup) and Mostly Martha (No Reservations) are examples of getting it wrong. Also a failure, Chocolat. How can you have a movie about chocolate with Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp and not come away hungry and horny? By having Lasse Halstrom direct it, that’s how and because he directed this, I gave it a pass, despite the presence of Helen Mirren. Even worse, this film is going same cheap-ass, utterly obnoxious “we deserve a medal simply for trying” route as Chocolat. The producers of Chocolate flat out said they deserved success and Oscar nominations because it had positive message. This, coming from Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey is basically saying the same. How about you realize a movie about food should be about food first and “coming together” second?

WE CALL IT “THE ELVIS EFFECT”
Lucy is down to number five, followed by Step Up All In at number six and this continues to be for street dancing what Rocky was for boxing and every martial arts movie not starring an Asian: white people fantasy. If this were ballet it’d be one thing, but it’s street dancing so who are we kidding? Seriously, it’s like if French kept making football movies about how they were the best there is and kept beating Americans. Or Latin America making baseball movies about how they’re better. Whoops. That’s actually true. But you get my meaning. What’s really funny is how they try to duck this by making sure to have the dance teams interracial, but the people on top, the stars of the movie and the defacto best dancers are always white. Not even an interracial relationship. It’s like the Brown Shirts had a team.

THE SCHADENFREUDE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE
Hercules is down to number seven and you’d think after three weeks, I’d stop giggling how this tanked, but you’d be wrong.

SOMEWHERE JAMES BROWN IS PISSED PRINCE GAVE NOT A DIME
Get On Up is down to number eight and this is chock full of actual musicians. Not only was it produced in part by Mick Jagger, but also in the cast are Jill Scott and Aloe Blacc, which is not a type a skin cream but the guy who sings “I’m The Man” from all those headphone commercials. He’s basically proof that the world needed a new Bill Withers. He even does a song to make you cry about an elderly relative. But I doubt it’ll be sampled to become something as awesome as “No Diggity” the way “Grandma’s Hands” was.

THE END
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number nine followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue closing out the top ten at number ten.

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