Tag Archives: The Hundred Foot Journey

CHICKS DIG BAD BOYS…WHEN THEY’RE ALREADY HOT

14 Sep

idris elba shirtless 2

1. No Good Deed/SGems                                  Wknd/$ 24.5     Total/$ 24.5
2. Dolphin Tale 2/WB                                       Wknd/$ 16.6     Total/$ 16.6
3. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                Wknd/$ 8.0       Total/$ 305.9
4. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par           Wknd/$ 4.8       Total/$ 181.0
5. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                         Wknd/$ 4.3        Total/$ 73.0
6. The Drop/FoxSearchlight                           Wknd/$ 4.2        Total/$ 4.2
7. If I Stay/WB                                                    Wknd/$ 4.1        Total/$ 44.9
8. The November Man/Relativity                  Wknd/$ 2.8        Total/$ 22.5
9. The Giver/Weinstein                                    Wknd/$ 2.6        Total/$ 41.3
10. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney       Wknd/$ 2.5        Total/$ 49.4

YOUR MOM LIKES HIM TOO
No Good Deed opens at number one starring your wife’s/girlfriend’s fantasy boyfriend, Idris Elba. Oh, he is. Don’t kid yourself. I don’t care what she’s telling you, he is. And apparently when he’s good, he’s good; but when he’s bad he’s better as this almost doubles its budget the opening weekend. And don’t be surprised to find it in her Netflix cue or on her DVD shelf in about 6-12 months. For Elba, whose fame has been bubbling under A-list for a few years now, this is a wise move, being willing to be play the bad guy, albeit not in a stereotypical manner. Range and courage will take you far. Of course being hot helps. A less attractive actor might not have had the same level of success. Your girlfriend/wife is shallow.

REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO SAD
Dolphin Tale 2 opens at number two because apparently somebody somewhere saw the first Dolphin Tale. Only now am I realizing both these films feature the re-teaming of Morgan Freeman and Ashley Judd, who were both white hot after Kiss The Girls to the point where they a) both were given suspense thriller movies (she got Double Jeopardy and he got Along Came A Spider, another Alex Cross adaptation) and b) reteamed to hopefully repeat the success (High Crimes, which didn’t). It’s sad they’re doing this type of family film treacle because they actually had wonderful chemistry. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s only here as a favor to her, because he’s got plenty of hits in a starring role, while she’s now playing the mom to the star. Hell, she’s the mom to the protagonist here too. I still love you, Ashley Judd! Even if rumors have it that male actors have turned down parts once they’ve learned you were cast…

I AM PAID
Guardians of the Galaxy is down to number three and also in this is Vin Diesel as the voice of the biggest breakout character of the movie, the sentient tree, Groot. Everyone loves Groot. The only thing they love more than Groot is Dancing Baby Groot. It’s the easiest and hardest job. After all it’s only three words “I Am Groot” but the intonation has to be different each and every time. It’s also the more perilous gig, because it’s just a voice (neither he nor Bradley Cooper were ever on set). He can’t bargain for more money, because honestly, anyone can do this. But for now this makes him the rare actor with not one, not two, but three franchises to his name: Guardians of the Galaxy, Fast & The Furious and Riddick. And while I loved this movie, I love Chronicles of Riddick just as much if not more.

HEY, AT LEAST IT’S NOT STEVIE-O OR BAM
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles is down to number four and speaking of an easy paycheck by just being a voice, Johnny Knoxville is actually one of the turtles, giving him two franchises as well. He’s got the Jackass series, which includes Bad Grandpa and now this. If I told you ten years ago Johnny Knoxville would still be around and making money, you’d have called me crazy, but now you see it’s the universe that’s crazy.

IT’D BE TASTELESS TO SAY HE WENT OUT WITH A BANG, RIGHT?
Let’s Be Cops is down to number five followed by The Drop opening at number six and this James Gandolphini’s final film and it’s both fitting and sad that it’s a gangster flick. Fitting because it was Tony Soprano that made him a star and sad because he’d begun transcending it, especially with the wonderful Enough Said. It’s gotten good reviews and it’s on my radar to see, but we know my likelihood when I don’t catch something on opening weekend. And the new fall TV season is coming too? Hoo, boy.

IT’S WHY I SAW THAT MOVIE WITH DENZEL WASHINGTON
If I Stay is down to number seven, followed by The November Man at number eight and part of the lack of interest in this is the lack of a strong antagonist. It’s yet another one of these generic, Australian pretty boys of whom they seem to have a neverending supply. Imagine how much more interesting this would have been with Pierce Brosnan against a younger actor you actually knew? Even Stallone knew that it was good to have then rising star, Antonio Banderas facing off against in him in Assassins (not that it was a great success either). You would have had my money yesterday if you gave me the possibility of seeing Pierce Brosnan kicking the ass of Ryan Reynolds.

MARKETING FAIL
The Giver is down to number nine and also in this…Taylor Swift!?! Clearly there’s something in her contract prohibiting them from pushing this point because when your film is disappointing, you might want to mention it’s got one of the biggest pop stars on the planet in it.

THE END
Finally, The Hundred Foot Journey closes out the top ten at number ten, a modest success with $61M worldwide from a $22M budget. Emphasis on “modest.”

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THE WEEKEND WHERE NO ONE CARED.

7 Sep

zoe-saldana
1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 294.6
2. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par            Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 174.6
3. If I Stay/WB                                                    Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 39.7
4. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                          Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 66.6
5. The November Man/Relativity                    Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 17.9
6. As Above/So Below/Universal                    Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 15.6
7. When The Game Stands Tall/TS                 Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 23.5
8. The Giver/Weinstein                                     Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 37.8
9. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney          Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 45.7
10. Lucy/WB                                                        Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 121.2

COLOR BLIND
Guardians of the Galaxy holds at number three and also in this is Zoe Saldana and you have to wonder if it has escaped her that she’s been basically unrecognizable in two giant science fiction hits. First, she was a big blue CGI creature in Avatar and here she’s a green alien. I’d be a little worried, but apparently she isn’t, as she’s given to stupid statements like Obama being in office means she doesn’t have to worry about race in casting. Yeah, she needs to have a coffee with Jennifer Beals about this before the Marvel Movie Money Train runs dry. Maybe Rae Dawn “I’m Not Black” Chong can join them. Better yet, Andy Serkis. You know him, right? No? He was Gollum in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, not to mention Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Yeah, that’s what being covered in science fiction and fantasy films does for you. Or does anyone want to tell me about Anthony Daniels’ great career? He was C3PO. This is sad because I kinda like how she said, she fucked somebody on the train from Coney Island because she was “ghetto like that.”

ISN’T MELODRAMATIC TEEN A REDUNDANCY?
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles holds at number two, followed by If I Stay at number three and this snuck in under the wire to be a summer hit, $33M domestic from an $11M budget, so it may be time for me to get to writing a Young Adult novel, because between this and The Fault In Our Stars, the YA movie genre has expanded beyond science fiction (Hunger Games, Divergent) and Fantasy (Twilight, Harry Potter). Of course I may be out of my depth given this new moneymaking genre is “Tragic Teen Girl.” This comes not a moment too soon for Chloe Grace Moretz, who seemed primed for kid stardom with the unexpected success of Kick Ass due in no small part to her role as the foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty Hit Girl. The problem was, only adults saw it and not her needed audience: kids. To correct that, they sanitized Carrie down to a PG13, which only resulted in another failure. This is why you don’t let suits make decisions.

“IT” FLOATS
Also holding (no one went to the movies because they were busy watching football) at number four is Let’s Be Cops, and the downside of this success is that the no-talent writer/director, Luke Greenfield, will be allowed more chances to be mediocre. Don’t believe me? His track record includes The Animal (Rob Schneider, which says it all), Something Borrowed (Kate Hudson, which seriously says it all) and The Girl Next Door, which is currently the center of some attempted revisionist history of it being a good more that was merely overlooked, which is bullshit. That movie blew and looking at his resume, there’s no mystery as to why.

SOMEBODY’S WORKING OUT THEIR ISSUES
Down to number five is The November Man, starring Pierce Brosnan. It’s a movie about a retired secret agent who was the best at his job drawn into conflict with his successor. Gee, we aren’t still bitter about Daniel Craig, are we, Pierce? Apparently we are. What’s worse is also in this is Olga Kurylenko, who was actually in Quantum of Solace, so the bulk of her time on-set was undoubtedly spent being asked over and over again who her favorite Bond was (the correct answer is always “Connery”). I actually do like Pierce a lot and was tempted to see this, but it just looked a little too cheap. I mean like made for Cinemax cheap. Not to mention the really sad subtext going on. You can do better, dude. That Kevin Costner spy movie? That should have been you. I’d have seen it if it were you.

HOW DO YOU SAY “I DON’T DO THE SCARY” IN FRENCH?
As Above/So Below is down to number six and this is yet another found footage movie and honestly they sit right next to “I Don’t Do The Scary” as movies I just flat out refuse to see. Getting nauseous because of the shakey cam is not high on my list of things to pay for. Fortunately they are usually one and the same, thus avoiding two birds with one stone. This time it’s tourists in the catacombs below Paris who go into a part they shouldn’t go into and get what stupid people deserve. Sorry, but so many of these movies center on people doing what they are explicit told not to do that I’ve lost any sympathy. As far as I’m concerned their eventual horrible deaths are just Darwinism in effect.

AMERICA’S PASTIME: COUCH SURFING!
When The Game Stands Tall holds at number seven, followed by The Giver holding at number eight, followed by The Hundred Foot Journey holding at number nine. Like I said, everyone was home watching football. Okay, maybe some were watching the US Open as well. Maybe.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Finally Lucy returns to the top ten at number ten and given Zoe Saldana’s stupid statements, I hope someone points out to her that she was also the female lead in an equally stupid action film written and produced by Luc Besson (someone else directed): Columbiana. Only that tanked. Hard. The difference being, people could actually see Scarlett Johansson in her big Marvel movies. Well, that and she’s white, blonde and stacked but I’m sure none of that matters, right? OF COURSE IT FUCKING MATTERS, DUMBASS!

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OH, CALM DOWN. NOBODY IS RAPING YOUR CHILDHOOD.

10 Aug

Star_lord_1
1. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par             Wknd/$ 65.0    Total/$ 65.0
2. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 41.5     Total/$ 175.9
3. Into The Storm/WB                                       Wknd/$ 18.0     Total/$ 18.0
4. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney           Wknd/$ 11.1      Total/$ 11.1
5. Lucy/Universal                                                Wknd/$ 9.3       Total/$ 97.4
6. Step Up All In/LG                                           Wknd/$ 6.6       Total/$ 6.6
7. Hercules/Paramount                                      Wknd/$ 5.7       Total/$ 63.5
8. Get on Up/Universal                                      Wknd/$ 5.0       Total/$ 22.9
9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox           Wknd/$ 4.4       Total/$ 197.8
10. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                    Wknd/$ 2.4       Total/$ 53.0

SOMEWHERE CORY FELDMAN WEEPS
Am I the only person not surprised that Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles opened at number one? It’s a reboot of a childhood favorite. It’s like being surprised that Transformers or Scooby Doo opened at number one. Nostalgia plus a crapload of CGI will put butts in seats (unless you’re Speed Racer that is). Now, as old geek I remember the comic (it was a parody of all that was successful in comics at the time: teen superheroes, mutants and ninjas) but never read it. I also never watched the TV series. I did see the first film, but passed on its sequels only to return to the animated feature a few years back. So while I’ve no loyalty to it, I’m not instantly dismissive either. The simple fact Michael Bay was a producer took care of that. The more I saw of this the less I was inclined to see it. It looked as slick and as joyless as pretty every other thing he touches. I personally think he only made it just to remind Megan Fox where each sat in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was on top and she…well, she was far from it and every time a new hot girl shows up like Kate Upton or that girl from the “Blurred Lines” video, she gets pushed down a little bit further—unless she just happens to be in a successful movie primed for sequels. Like this one. Never underestimate what a jerk will go through to avenge his ego.

TIME TO DROP SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR ASS
Guardians of the Galaxy is down to number two and while I loved the movie this isn’t my Starlord. Then again neither was the original Starlord. The original Starlord was, well…Space Jesus. He was born as the result of a planetary convergence. “The galaxy” basically impregnated his mother. Welcome to comics, people. His father, like Joseph, knew the kid wasn’t his, but unlike Joseph no angel shows up to set him straight, so he’s about to kill the kid with an axe when he “suddenly” has a heart attack. The Universe don’t like ugly. So Peter Quill grows up strangely loving the stars when one day he just happens to see random aliens land—and then they kill his mother. He grows up wanting revenge, joins NASA and when The Master of Earth’s sun—who just happens to look a whole lot like what people imagine God to look like—appears offering the “Starlord” mantle to someone of earth, he basically steals it from the guy NASA choose and becomes Starlord. He’s given powers and a sentient ship called “Ship” (who is also female and may be in love with him) so he can go do good deeds throughout the universe. Which he does…right after he kills the aliens who killed his mom. The Starlord I love was from Chris Claremont and John Byrne (famous for their work on The X-Men). They took over they decided it shouldn’t just be “random aliens” who just show up and kill his mother. They also abandoned the whole “cosmic impregnation” idea. Starlord’s dad was an space prince who crash landed on Earth, fell in love with his mother while repairing his ship and then wiped her mind when he left because he wasn’t sure the ship could get him home and didn’t want her waiting in case he died. Unfortunately she hooked up with her childhood sweetheart almost immediately after and then we’re back to the original story as it was before except he finally does meet his dad and finds out that his great uncle sent a single alien there to kill them both so that there’d be no heir to the throne. Starlord kills the alien who killed his mother and then his uncle who hired him. He then rejects the throne to continue doing good deeds in space. Pure over-dramatic, humor-free space opera and I loved it. Then it was changed the Master of the Sun actually being one of the aliens who killed his mother (so clearly not God) and the uncle assassination plot was gone. There was another version after that (welcome to comics, people) before reaching our latest one, which is back to the second one where mom is murdered by aliens, but this time simply because they’re trying to kill his bloodline. Also now Peter kills them right there on the spot. No evil uncle, but we still have NASA and “God” giving him the job of Starlord. The movie is different even still and this is why people who read comics are crazy.

LIKE PORN, ONE DAY WE’RE JUST GOING TO GET RID OF THE PLOT, PERIOD
Into The Storm opens at number three and I almost admire this for just being flat out disaster porn with no apologies. It’s just an excuse to have Mother Nature open up a can of CGI whup-ass. None of that crap about estranged couples, scientific research, yadda-yadda that made Twister so difficult to sit through and why almost no one remembers it. While I’m sure there’s some attempt at a story, I’m also sure it’s the definition of threadbare and doesn’t get in the way of what people are there to see: all the planes at an airport being sucked into a tornado!

ONE BAD MEAL IS ALL YOU GET TO SERVE ME.
The Hundred Foot Journey opens at number four and I’m a lover of some food porn (it’s all porn this week, people). Eat, Drink, Man Woman, Big Night, Mostly Martha, Dinner Rush and the most recent Chef are prime examples of good movies that wonderfully fetishizing eating. The American remakes of Eat Drink Man Woman (Tortilla Soup) and Mostly Martha (No Reservations) are examples of getting it wrong. Also a failure, Chocolat. How can you have a movie about chocolate with Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp and not come away hungry and horny? By having Lasse Halstrom direct it, that’s how and because he directed this, I gave it a pass, despite the presence of Helen Mirren. Even worse, this film is going same cheap-ass, utterly obnoxious “we deserve a medal simply for trying” route as Chocolat. The producers of Chocolate flat out said they deserved success and Oscar nominations because it had positive message. This, coming from Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey is basically saying the same. How about you realize a movie about food should be about food first and “coming together” second?

WE CALL IT “THE ELVIS EFFECT”
Lucy is down to number five, followed by Step Up All In at number six and this continues to be for street dancing what Rocky was for boxing and every martial arts movie not starring an Asian: white people fantasy. If this were ballet it’d be one thing, but it’s street dancing so who are we kidding? Seriously, it’s like if French kept making football movies about how they were the best there is and kept beating Americans. Or Latin America making baseball movies about how they’re better. Whoops. That’s actually true. But you get my meaning. What’s really funny is how they try to duck this by making sure to have the dance teams interracial, but the people on top, the stars of the movie and the defacto best dancers are always white. Not even an interracial relationship. It’s like the Brown Shirts had a team.

THE SCHADENFREUDE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE
Hercules is down to number seven and you’d think after three weeks, I’d stop giggling how this tanked, but you’d be wrong.

SOMEWHERE JAMES BROWN IS PISSED PRINCE GAVE NOT A DIME
Get On Up is down to number eight and this is chock full of actual musicians. Not only was it produced in part by Mick Jagger, but also in the cast are Jill Scott and Aloe Blacc, which is not a type a skin cream but the guy who sings “I’m The Man” from all those headphone commercials. He’s basically proof that the world needed a new Bill Withers. He even does a song to make you cry about an elderly relative. But I doubt it’ll be sampled to become something as awesome as “No Diggity” the way “Grandma’s Hands” was.

THE END
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number nine followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue closing out the top ten at number ten.

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