Tag Archives: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

OH, CALM DOWN. NOBODY IS RAPING YOUR CHILDHOOD.

10 Aug

Star_lord_1
1. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par             Wknd/$ 65.0    Total/$ 65.0
2. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 41.5     Total/$ 175.9
3. Into The Storm/WB                                       Wknd/$ 18.0     Total/$ 18.0
4. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney           Wknd/$ 11.1      Total/$ 11.1
5. Lucy/Universal                                                Wknd/$ 9.3       Total/$ 97.4
6. Step Up All In/LG                                           Wknd/$ 6.6       Total/$ 6.6
7. Hercules/Paramount                                      Wknd/$ 5.7       Total/$ 63.5
8. Get on Up/Universal                                      Wknd/$ 5.0       Total/$ 22.9
9. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox           Wknd/$ 4.4       Total/$ 197.8
10. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                    Wknd/$ 2.4       Total/$ 53.0

SOMEWHERE CORY FELDMAN WEEPS
Am I the only person not surprised that Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles opened at number one? It’s a reboot of a childhood favorite. It’s like being surprised that Transformers or Scooby Doo opened at number one. Nostalgia plus a crapload of CGI will put butts in seats (unless you’re Speed Racer that is). Now, as old geek I remember the comic (it was a parody of all that was successful in comics at the time: teen superheroes, mutants and ninjas) but never read it. I also never watched the TV series. I did see the first film, but passed on its sequels only to return to the animated feature a few years back. So while I’ve no loyalty to it, I’m not instantly dismissive either. The simple fact Michael Bay was a producer took care of that. The more I saw of this the less I was inclined to see it. It looked as slick and as joyless as pretty every other thing he touches. I personally think he only made it just to remind Megan Fox where each sat in the Hollywood hierarchy. He was on top and she…well, she was far from it and every time a new hot girl shows up like Kate Upton or that girl from the “Blurred Lines” video, she gets pushed down a little bit further—unless she just happens to be in a successful movie primed for sequels. Like this one. Never underestimate what a jerk will go through to avenge his ego.

TIME TO DROP SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YOUR ASS
Guardians of the Galaxy is down to number two and while I loved the movie this isn’t my Starlord. Then again neither was the original Starlord. The original Starlord was, well…Space Jesus. He was born as the result of a planetary convergence. “The galaxy” basically impregnated his mother. Welcome to comics, people. His father, like Joseph, knew the kid wasn’t his, but unlike Joseph no angel shows up to set him straight, so he’s about to kill the kid with an axe when he “suddenly” has a heart attack. The Universe don’t like ugly. So Peter Quill grows up strangely loving the stars when one day he just happens to see random aliens land—and then they kill his mother. He grows up wanting revenge, joins NASA and when The Master of Earth’s sun—who just happens to look a whole lot like what people imagine God to look like—appears offering the “Starlord” mantle to someone of earth, he basically steals it from the guy NASA choose and becomes Starlord. He’s given powers and a sentient ship called “Ship” (who is also female and may be in love with him) so he can go do good deeds throughout the universe. Which he does…right after he kills the aliens who killed his mom. The Starlord I love was from Chris Claremont and John Byrne (famous for their work on The X-Men). They took over they decided it shouldn’t just be “random aliens” who just show up and kill his mother. They also abandoned the whole “cosmic impregnation” idea. Starlord’s dad was an space prince who crash landed on Earth, fell in love with his mother while repairing his ship and then wiped her mind when he left because he wasn’t sure the ship could get him home and didn’t want her waiting in case he died. Unfortunately she hooked up with her childhood sweetheart almost immediately after and then we’re back to the original story as it was before except he finally does meet his dad and finds out that his great uncle sent a single alien there to kill them both so that there’d be no heir to the throne. Starlord kills the alien who killed his mother and then his uncle who hired him. He then rejects the throne to continue doing good deeds in space. Pure over-dramatic, humor-free space opera and I loved it. Then it was changed the Master of the Sun actually being one of the aliens who killed his mother (so clearly not God) and the uncle assassination plot was gone. There was another version after that (welcome to comics, people) before reaching our latest one, which is back to the second one where mom is murdered by aliens, but this time simply because they’re trying to kill his bloodline. Also now Peter kills them right there on the spot. No evil uncle, but we still have NASA and “God” giving him the job of Starlord. The movie is different even still and this is why people who read comics are crazy.

LIKE PORN, ONE DAY WE’RE JUST GOING TO GET RID OF THE PLOT, PERIOD
Into The Storm opens at number three and I almost admire this for just being flat out disaster porn with no apologies. It’s just an excuse to have Mother Nature open up a can of CGI whup-ass. None of that crap about estranged couples, scientific research, yadda-yadda that made Twister so difficult to sit through and why almost no one remembers it. While I’m sure there’s some attempt at a story, I’m also sure it’s the definition of threadbare and doesn’t get in the way of what people are there to see: all the planes at an airport being sucked into a tornado!

ONE BAD MEAL IS ALL YOU GET TO SERVE ME.
The Hundred Foot Journey opens at number four and I’m a lover of some food porn (it’s all porn this week, people). Eat, Drink, Man Woman, Big Night, Mostly Martha, Dinner Rush and the most recent Chef are prime examples of good movies that wonderfully fetishizing eating. The American remakes of Eat Drink Man Woman (Tortilla Soup) and Mostly Martha (No Reservations) are examples of getting it wrong. Also a failure, Chocolat. How can you have a movie about chocolate with Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp and not come away hungry and horny? By having Lasse Halstrom direct it, that’s how and because he directed this, I gave it a pass, despite the presence of Helen Mirren. Even worse, this film is going same cheap-ass, utterly obnoxious “we deserve a medal simply for trying” route as Chocolat. The producers of Chocolate flat out said they deserved success and Oscar nominations because it had positive message. This, coming from Steven Spielberg and Oprah Winfrey is basically saying the same. How about you realize a movie about food should be about food first and “coming together” second?

WE CALL IT “THE ELVIS EFFECT”
Lucy is down to number five, followed by Step Up All In at number six and this continues to be for street dancing what Rocky was for boxing and every martial arts movie not starring an Asian: white people fantasy. If this were ballet it’d be one thing, but it’s street dancing so who are we kidding? Seriously, it’s like if French kept making football movies about how they were the best there is and kept beating Americans. Or Latin America making baseball movies about how they’re better. Whoops. That’s actually true. But you get my meaning. What’s really funny is how they try to duck this by making sure to have the dance teams interracial, but the people on top, the stars of the movie and the defacto best dancers are always white. Not even an interracial relationship. It’s like the Brown Shirts had a team.

THE SCHADENFREUDE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE
Hercules is down to number seven and you’d think after three weeks, I’d stop giggling how this tanked, but you’d be wrong.

SOMEWHERE JAMES BROWN IS PISSED PRINCE GAVE NOT A DIME
Get On Up is down to number eight and this is chock full of actual musicians. Not only was it produced in part by Mick Jagger, but also in the cast are Jill Scott and Aloe Blacc, which is not a type a skin cream but the guy who sings “I’m The Man” from all those headphone commercials. He’s basically proof that the world needed a new Bill Withers. He even does a song to make you cry about an elderly relative. But I doubt it’ll be sampled to become something as awesome as “No Diggity” the way “Grandma’s Hands” was.

THE END
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number nine followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue closing out the top ten at number ten.

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CHICKS RULE!

27 Jul

susan-sarandon 1. Lucy/Universal                                              Wknd/$ 44.0   Total/$ 44.0
2. Hercules/Paramount                                    Wknd/$ 29.0   Total/$ 29.0
3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox          Wknd/$ 16.4    Total/$ 172.1
4. The Purge: Anarchy/Universal                   Wknd/$ 9.9      Total/$ 51.3
5. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                     Wknd/$ 9.3      Total/$ 35.1
6. Sex Tape/Sony                                               Wknd/$ 6.0      Total/$ 26.9
7. Transformers 4/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 236.4
8. And So It Goes/CE                                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 4.6
9. Tammy/Warner                                             Wknd/$ 3.4      Total/$ 78.1
10. A Most Wanted Man/RA                           Wknd/$ 2.7       Total/$ 2.7

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DOLLARS…
Lucy opens at number one and this is the latest from Luc Besson who is no stranger to badass female action movies. His first big hit was the original La Femme Nikita, which made such an impact that they’re still remaking it almost 25 years later. He was also behind his then wife’s (Mila Jovovich) entry into the action world with The Fifth Element. He’s also the name in action films in Europe as the producer behind everything from The Transporter to Taken to B13 (which was remade as Brick Mansions here with him still on as a producer) to Kiss The Dragon. In addition he wrote Bandidas with Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz as well as Colombiana. Now that you know the scope of his power and influence, you understand why his movies seem to be getting worse with time. There’s simply no one who can tell him “No.” That his wife is the producer doesn’t help. The idea of Lucy is great: a woman forced to be a drug mule develops superhuman powers when the bag inside her bursts and the new drug floods her system. The downside is they’re also killing her at the same time so she needs more of it to survive and keep growing. Unfortunately the film begins to fumble almost immediately with hamfisted intercutting of a gazelle being pursued by cheetahs with Lucy being caught by the drug dealers. You know, just in case you didn’t get it. While it mercifully never returns the film just finds other ways to fail. Starting with Lucy walking around with a gun in full view in a hospital with no one noticing. Bear in mind, she’s already twice as smart as a normal human now, to the point she can heal herself and read a scan of a man’s brain to determine if his tumor will kill him, but it never occurs to her to try and hide the gun. Also, when she returns to the ruthless drug dealer’s home to get information about the other mules, she kills all his henchmen, but not him. Why not? Because if she does, he won’t be able to chase her across the globe and shoot up Paris, that’s why. And why is she after them in the first place? If the drug is created in Taiwan, why not simply go to the source and get an endless supply? Smart question for a stupid, stupid movie. They even introduce her concern of her fading humanity…never to broach it again, even as she’s causing no end of damage and most likely civilian casualties speeding through Paris. The film doubles down on the ineptitude by having the cop with her also have no concern for his fellow officer or civilians she’s hurting. Bear in mind she insists he come with her so she can remember what it means to be human. Clearly she picked the wrong dude. Ironically, it’s a bit sad that a crummy action movie with a female lead can do just as well as a crummy action movie with a dude. But it does means Hollywood is all out of excuses not to make more. Hopefully not so crummy.

SOMEWHERE KEVIN SORBO IS LAUGHING
Opening at number two—which is quite frankly too good for it—is Hercules from the painfully untalented director, Brett Ratner. Seriously, you people have a lot to answer for having made him successful with those awful Rush Hour movies. Why do I know this sucks beyond the obvious reasons even though I didn’t see it? There are no labors. Seriously. All the commercials and previews you’ve seen with the Hydra, Neiman Lion and the Boar? All happen in the first five minutes as part of a story his nephew is telling to promote Hercules. He’s not the son of Zeus. He’s just some guy with a good PR man. Seriously. How on earth did this even get made!?! How did it leave the first meeting when the basic premise is, “He’s not the superhero of myth and he’s not going to do the very things which are the only reason we even know his name today.” How!?! And in case you were wondering why The Rock’s career never really took off you have your answer. He saw this script and thought it was a good idea. Just like all the other clearly-obvious-to-anyone-else awful movies he’s done. Yes, he’s still found a measure of success, but did not become the heir to Schwarzenegger that even the man himself thought would happen (did you miss Arnold’s cameo in The Rundown?). This is why. All the personal charm in the world cannot overcome these horrible, horrible choices. Which have just led to his ass being kicked by a 5-foot-blonde.

SHE’S A WONDER
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number three and also in this is Keri Russell and to keep our theme of female action heroes going, she was the voice of Wonder Woman in the direct-to-video film a few years back. You should really check it out. It’s not perfect, but no worse than most theatrically released superhero movies. And definitely better than freaking Lucy.

LIKE GIVING DIAMONDS TO AN APE
The Purge: Anarchy is down to number four, followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue at number five and Sex Tape down to number six and also wasted in this is Rob Corddry. How do you waste Rob Corddry as a wacky neighbor with a sociopath kid? They found a way.

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?
Transformers: Age of Extinction is down to number seven with And So It Goes opening at number eight and honestly if I’d known this opened this weekend I might have seen it, but I saw not one single commercial for it. No wonder Michael Douglas was so hot to get into a superhero movie if this is how he’s being treated these days. The man’s got Oscars on both sides of the camera and was once a license to print money. His leading lady is none other than Diane fucking Keaton. Rob Reiner who directed The Princess Bride is the director. Show some respect and promote this damn thing! No matter how much it probably sucks.

SEXY PEOPLE DOING THE SEXY
Tammy is down to number nine and also in this is Susan Sarandon who just admitted she hooked up with David Bowie when they were making The Hunger. That’s the kind of celebrity hook up that just makes you smile. Good for both of them!

AND A MARTINI, SHAKEN. NOT STIRRED.
A Most Wanted Man opens at number ten and this is Philip Seymour Hoffman’s final film in a leading role (which suggests there may still be other films yet to be released). It’s based on a John le Carre novel, which means it’s about real spies in the real world, which means I have no interest in it. Give me babes, quips and invisible cars, thank you very much.

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9 FILMS IN NO DANGER OF AN OSCAR NOMINATION

24 Feb

ti-giant-magazine-cover-2008-october-november

1. Identity Thief/Universal                           Wknd/$  13.7            Total/$  93.7

 2. Snitch/Summit                                           Wknd/$  13.0            Total/$  13.0

 3. Escape From Planet Earth/Wein            Wknd/$  11.0             Total/$  35.1

 4. Safe Haven/Relativity                                Wknd/$  10.6            Total/$  48.1

 5. A Good Day to Die Hard/Fox                   Wknd/$  10.0            Total/$  51.8

 6. Dark Skies/Weinstein                                Wknd/$   8.9             Total/$    8.9

 7. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                  Wknd/$   6.1              Total/$107.5

 8. Warm Bodies/Summit                               Wknd/$   4.8              Total/$  58.3

 9. Side Effects/ORF                                         Wknd/$   3.5              Total/$  25.3

10. Beautiful Creatures/Warners                   Wknd/$   3.4              Total/$  16.4

 

YOU CAN PROMOTE WHATEVER YOU LIKE

Identity Thief returns to the top spot and also in this is T.I. of all people and given his level of fame it’s either a supreme vote of confidence to Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman not have him shown or mentioned or they’re a bunch of morons not to exploit him. They also failed to show John Cho aka Harold of Harold & Kumar who also has own fanbase, especially in regards to comedy.  At least they knew enough to throw in Eric Stonestreet, aka, Cam from Modern Family, so they aren’t complete imbeciles.  He was also in Bad Teacher last year with Cameron Diaz, giving him a growing resume of $100M comedy films.

 

SNITCH 2: NOW HIS SON IS SELLING GUNS

Snitch opens at number two and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the worst taste in films.  Almost none of the personal vehicles he’s chosen since he crossed over from wrestling to movies have been worth seeing.  I know it’s hard to say “No” to bags of money being thrown at you, but he’s got to have enough money by now to be more discriminating.  Just because real actors agree to be in them doesn’t mean anything. They’re just making car payments, dude.  Also, unlike you this isn’t really their “day job.”  The only person not slumming is you.  Susan Sarandon is simply picking up a paycheck here. This movie is about a father trying to get his son off the hook for drug dealing.  Seriously? How can you root for him now!?!  This makes him one of those parents who are always getting their kids out of trouble and then are surprised when the kid keeps screwing up. This doesn’t make him a hero. Hell it doesn’t even make him a good parent. 

 

DON’T THINK SEX & THE CITY 3 ISN’T COMING

Escape from the Planet Earth actually rises to number three and let’s see who’s doing a voice here and guess who needed the paycheck and who just did it for fun.  Brendan Fraser. Needed it. Rob Corddry. Needed it. Ricky Gervais. Fun, but he is a whore.  Jessica Alba. A little of both. Sofia Vergra.  A little of both. Sarah Jessica Parker. Fun. Though she made it need it soon.

 

IT’S ONLY A SPOILER IF YOU GIVE A CRAP

Safe Haven is down to number four and as everyone knows now there’s an uber stupid plot twist in that the woman’s best pal is actually the ghost of the man’s dead wife.  So yeah, for all of you who said, “I loved The Sixth Sense, but wish it was more romantic” this is your movie.

 

DAMN THESE SEQUELS! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!

A Good Day To Die Hard drops down to number five and these have become like the Planet of the Apes series…except those didn’t drag out over twenty years and were still entertaining up until the end.  What’s really sad is that Bruce Willis actually does the aging action hero shtick fairly well in RED, which has apparently become another franchise for him. And he’ll be trotting it out again for GI Joe 2 this year.  Basically, every other film he’ll be releasing this year will be better than this.

 

FELICITY IS A SOVIET SPY

Dark Skies aka “Felicity In A Haunted House” opens at number six and you know things are bad when you make a genre picture, which is usually money in the bank and it still fails.  Lucky for Keri Russell, The Americans has not only gotten good reviews but has already been given a second season.  Maybe try a kid’s film next time.

 

I HAVE A LIFE, DAMNIT!

The Silver Linings Playbook actually rises to number seven and fine, I didn’t see it. I probably never will. Are you happy now!?!  I predict the woman playing the mother will be a Best Supporting Actress upset.  That’s usually where it occurs.

 

THE IRONY OF ZOMBIES BEATING WITCHES CONTINUES

Warm Bodies is down to number eight, followed by Side Effects at number nine and closing out the top ten is Beautiful Creatures and probably the most interesting thing about this movie is the fact the lead actress is Jane Campion’s daughter and honestly that’s not very interesting.