Tag Archives: Winter’s Tale

I KNOW LIAM NEESON AND YOU, COSTNER ARE NO LIAM NEESON

23 Feb

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 1. The LEGO Movie/WB                             Wknd/$  31.5            Total/$  183.2

 2. 3 Days To Kill/Relativity                        Wknd/$  12.3            Total/$   12.3

 3. Pompeii/TriStar                                       Wknd/$  10.0            Total/$   10.0

 4. RoboCop/Sony                                          Wknd/$    9.4            Total/$   43.6

 5. The Monuments Men/Sony                    Wknd/$    8.1            Total/$   58.1

 6. About Last Night/SG                                Wknd/$    7.4            Total/$   38.2

 7. Ride Along/Universal                               Wknd/$   4.7             Total/$  123.2

 8. Frozen/Disney                                            Wknd/$   4.4            Total/$ 384.1

 9. Endless Love/Universal                           Wknd/$    4.3            Total/$   20.1

10. Winter’s Tale/Warner                             Wknd/$    2.1            Total/$    11.2

 

MORE LIKE TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE MURDERED

The LEGO Movie holds on to number one for a deserved third straight week followed by 3 Days To Kill, opening at number two and I was actually prepared to see this for some silly action fun…until I found out the director was none other than the horrific McG.  Out of the unholy Trinity of bad, blockbuster directors who blew up in the late 90’s early ‘00’s of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay and McG, McG is by far the worst and that’s saying something.  He tanked the Terminator franchise much in the way Ratner was the first stumble in the X-Men franchise (until the Wolverine films showed it could get much, much worse…). Like the other two, he tried to show he could do a film about people and like the other two he failed miserably with We Are Marshall. He’s just a painfully untalented man, but sad proof that crap does float in that he’s still allowed to try and direct films.  There was hope that he’d been reduced to his talent level: directing for TV after the flop that was This Is War, which put a damper on the rising stars of Chris Pine and Tom Hardy (and killed any attempt by Reese Witherspoon to return to her early-century glory days), but no, he’s back and bringing Kevin Costner’s comeback attempts to a screeching halt in this clear attempt to try and horn in on Liam Neeson’s crown as the “mature” action star. Seriously, why do actors work with this guy?  Lucky for both of them it only cost $28M so a $12m opening isn’t the worst thing in the world, but next week the real Liam Neeson is back and guess which film is going to suffer most for it?

 

A DIRECTOR BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SUCK JUST AS MUCH

Speaking of bad films from untalented directors, Pompeii opens poorly at number three and this is from none other than Paul W.S. Anderson. The “W.S” to let you know he’s not the Paul Anderson making actual films like Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood. No, this is the guy keeping his own wife’s career in the Farm Leagues thanks to the Resident Evil franchise. What’s sad is that there’s an actual historical precedent for this story in that the remains of a rich woman and man were found in the arena at Pompeii suggesting maybe they’d snuck there for a rendezvous because no one else was around. Oh, you didn’t know? Anyone and everyone who could get out of Pompeii had gotten the hell out. Its eruption wasn’t some surprise that caught a city off guard, so let’s kill that myth once and for all.  Think this film reflects that given how Anderson has been bragging about his research? Me neither.  Needless to say he’s already working on the next Resident Evil film…

 

MAYBE EMINEM DOES SAVE DETROIT AFTER ALL

Robocop is down to number four and one major problem with this film is that he really doesn’t need to be Robocop to get the bad guy. In the original Alex Murphy was one of many cops set up to be injured in order to become the subject of the procedure.  Here, it’s just a coincidence that he’s almost killed when they’re looking for a subject.  Also when he tracks down his “killer” there’s nothing special about how he does it. He tracks one phone to another phone, finds him and kills him. That’s it.  No special cyborg abilities needed which makes you wonder why they couldn’t catch this guy to begin with. Yes, there are corrupt cops protecting the bad guy, but since Murphy and his partner aren’t telling people what they’re doing anyway, there’s no way they could have been stopped.  He doesn’t get blown up, he never becomes Robocop.  Not to mention why does Detroit in this future need a Robocop to begin with given it doesn’t have any of the urban decay we saw in the original…or now.?  Seriously, this Detroit is better than the current Detroit.  In a better film that would be the satirical point, but here it’s just another sign of ineptitude.

 

PRETTY…BORING

The Monuments Men is down to number five followed by About Last Night at number six and also in this are Michael Ealy and Joy Bryant and it’s okay if you missed them because as it turns out the screenwriter was actually told to bump the supporting characters over the leads, which actually wound up making them the leads and the former leads are now just straight men despite being much more attractive. This makes sense if, like me, you remember just how utterly boring Rob Lowe and Demi Moore were, despite being pretty and naked.  And if their names sound familiar it’s because they were briefly “Hot Young Things.”  Michael Ealy was Halle Berry’s co-star in the Oprah Produced (key words) TV adaptation of “Their Eyes Were Watching God” which meant everyone knew his name for 5 minutes.  Joy Bryant is a former model (which meant Ealy was probably standing on a box for most of his scenes with her).  She was hot briefly in the early part of this century thanks to her first big role being in Denzel Washington’s directorial debut, Antwone Fisher.  Well that and dating 50 Cent during the making of Get Rich or Die Trying.

 

BWC –BRUTHAS WITH CASH

Ride Along, Kevin Hart’s other film in the top ten is down to number seven and this has made $123M off a $25M budget so I’m guessing they’re backing up a truck of money to Kevin Hart’s house for a sequel. In the meantime it’s Ice Cube’s turn to now ignore Chris Tucker calling doing about another Friday movie. He’s got a new cash cow to do the heavy lifting.

 

AS A CANADIAN HE’S TOO NICE TO TURN CRAP DOWN

Frozen holds at number eight, followed by Endless Love at number nine and it hurts me that Bruce Greenwood is in this.  He deserves so much better.

 

ONE OF THESE HEARTTHROBS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

Finally Winter’s Tale closes out the top ten at number ten and the other guy who can’t buy a hit in this movie? None other than Russell Crowe. Remember when he was mentioned in the same breath as George Clooney on Sex & The City?  Betcha he does.  Clooney was in Gravity last year. Know that Crowe was in? Man of Steel. That says it all.  You know what Crowe was doing while Clooney was getting an Oscar for producing Argo?  Getting mocked for his singing in Les Miserables.

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ASSAULT OF THE 80’S REMAKES!

18 Feb

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 1. The LEGO Movie/WB                             Wknd/$  50.0            Total/$  130.3

 2. About Last Night/SG                               Wknd/$  25.7            Total/$   25.7

 3. RoboCop/Sony                                          Wknd/$  21.7            Total/$   26.4

 4. The Monuments Men/Sony                   Wknd/$  15.5            Total/$   44.2

 5. Endless Love/Universal                          Wknd/$  13.2            Total/$   13.2

 6. Ride Along/Universal                              Wknd/$   8.7             Total/$  116.1

 7. Winter’s Tale/Warner                              Wknd/$   7.3             Total/$     7.3

 8. Frozen/Disney                                           Wknd/$   6.2             Total/$ 376.4

 9. Lone Survivor/Universal                         Wknd/$   4.1              Total/$  118.4 

10. That Awkward Moment                          Wknd/$   3.4              Total/$   21.5

 

2ND BEST BATMAN SONG EVER

The LEGO Movie holds deservedly at number one and one particular instance of its brilliance is its skewering of Batman, though it’s sad to say, their version could be dropped into any Christopher Nolan Batman without a single change made to it so often those films crossed over to self-parody. I love my comic book superheroes, but too many geeks take it too seriously, which is why this Batman is awesome. Especially his theme song, which sums up the “modern” Batman perfectly: “DARKNESS…NO PARENTS…CONTINUED DARKNESS…MORE DARKNESS, GET IT?…THE OPPOSITE OF LIGHT…” Simply. Awesome.

 

THOUGH KEVIN HART IS  A DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENT OVER JIM BELUSHI

About Last Night begins the “Assault of the 80’s Remakes” with this remake of the 80’s film, because it sure as hell isn’t an adaptation of the of the original David Mamet play “Sexual Perversity in Chicago.”  They tried to take a Mamet play and make it into a romantic comedy-drama. Yeah, that pretty much ended up how you’d expect.  This looks like it abandoned the drama completely which is a wise idea but I was too traumatized by that horrible original film to even think of giving this a shot. Not to mention enough already with Kevin Hart. I understand you have to make that money while you can because you’ll be Tommy Davidson before you know it, but there’s such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You can actually cause your own demise with over-saturation. Especially when you’re just playing the same character over and over again, which is yourself.

 

MECHANIZED POLICE MAN ISN’T AS CATCHY

Robocop is our second entry in the “Assault of the 80’s Remakes” and this joins the recent Superman and Star Trek reboots under “Most Clueless Remakes Ever.”  The original was a bloody, satirical, action adventure film.  This is a PG13 drama with a little action and zero satire.  I realized that they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t try to do an original film, but if you’re going to go this far off the reservation then don’t call it Superman, don’t call it Star Trek and don’t call it Robocop.  But they realize that no one wants to see their version of a superhero, their version of a space opera and their version of a cyborg police officer so they slap a name you know on it, sprinkle it liberally with cultural touchstones and boom! Instant hit, right?  Wrong. This will join Total Recall as another failure to understand what made Paul Verhoven’s films successful.  A $100M budget with a $22M opening weekend is not good. What’s sadder is that this isn’t a bad film. It’s just not a very good one and definitely not a Robocop film. It’s a drama about man struggling with his humanity after being made into 90% machine.  This would be a pretty decent pilot for a TV series but for a major motion picture it’s a dud and for a movie called “Robocop” it’s a complete and utter failure.

 

THE PRICE OF HUBRIS

The Monument Men is down to number four and being a fan of schadenfreude I know it when I see it and I see it here with people cackling at George Clooney’s writing/directing/starring flop.  It’s not a bad movie but he’s been too handsome and too successful for too long so at the first sign of weakness the vultures come out.  Not that it’s entirely undeserved. I’ve no doubt this was his attempt to have his own Argo and “beat” Ben Affleck, who is a great director and has an Oscar for screenwriting but has a miserable failure as a leading man, while Clooney has been a very successful leading man and received minor acclaim for directing and writing (remember Good Night And Good Luck, Leather Heads, The Ides of March? I didn’t think so).  Bear in mind Clooney was a producer of Argo and actually got an Oscar for it!  But clearly it wasn’t enough and as they say, pride goeth before the fall.

 

YES, I DO MIND

Endless Love rounds out our “Assault of 80’s Remakes” opening at number five and may be the least of them all and that’s sad because the original was no great shakes but at least that had Franco Zeffirelli who knew a little something about star-crossed lovers (he directed the most acclaimed movie version of Romeo & Juliet) and people knew who Brooke Shields was.  Alex Pettyfer was one of the stars of Magic Mike but people wouldn’t know him if they saw him in the street.  But the biggest crime has to be the loss of the most successful part of the original movie: the theme song by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross!  Then again who would do it? Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? I think not.

 

FACE IT.

Ride Along is down to number six giving Kevin Hart two films in the top ten.  Two very successful films in the top ten.  Sigh.

 

NOBODY LIKES YOU. SERIOUSLY.

Winter’s Tale opens at number seven and I thought Colin Farrell was making a nice little comeback playing supporting roles.  He should have stuck to that plan because clearly no one wants to see him in a leading role.  No one.  Not to mention my own personal pet peeve of when producers keep casting guys who were once the “Hot New Thing” in young roles after they’ve clearly aged out of them. Ewan McGregor is no longer in his 20’s but you wouldn’t know it from the roles he’s still being cast in or the age of his leading ladies.  Neither is Colin Farrell, but again you wouldn’t know it by the 13 years his junior leading lady.  You know who’s closer to his age? The gorgeous Jennifer Connelly who is also his co-star but god forbid she be cast younger than her actual age or his love interest.  This is based on a book that people love given the way they’re ripping the film version apart.  I never read the book, but I know this looked awful and that was enough for me. Being directed by the man who wrote Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost In Space, I Robot and I Am Legend was merely the cherry on top.

 

EVERYONE’S COMING OUT SONG FROM THIS POINT ON

Frozen is down to number eight and can a day go by without yet another person doing a cover of “Let It Go?” I guess not.

 

MATH IS ACTUALLY THEIR FRIEND

Lone Survivor is down to number nine followed by That Awkward Moment closing out the top ten at number ten and while some may laugh and call this a failure, the laugh’s on them.  It only cost $8M and has made $22M domestically. That’s not a failure, kids.  Robocop and Endless Love wish they were that successful.