Tag Archives: Weekend Top Ten Films

THE MARKETING FORCE NEVER SLEPT

21 Dec

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1. Star Wars VII/Disney Wknd/$ 238.0 Total/$ 238.0

2. Alvin & The Chipmunks Road Chip Wknd/$ 14.0 Total/$ 14.4

3. Sisters/Universal Wknd/$ 13.4 Total/$ 13.4

4. The Hunger Games Mockingjay 2 Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 254.4

5. Creed/WB Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 87.9

6. The Good Dinosaur/Disney Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 96.5

7. Krampus/Universal Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 34.8

8. In the Heart of the Sea/WB Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 18.6

9. Dilwale/UTV Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 1.9

10. Bajirao Mastani/Eros Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 1.7

THE SKY IS BLUE AND WATER IS WET

To the surprise of no one anywhere, Star Wars: The Force Awakens opens at number one, breaking nearly every conceivable box office record that would apply to it (it didn’t beat Jurassic World for Global Box Office and if you think Spielberg’s not laughing about that you’re wrong). It’s already made half-a-billion dollars worldwide and by the time it’s done should crush everything, including fucking Avatar, which has me pulling for it for that alone. But it is good. As he proved when he crapped all over Star Trek by turning it into Star Wars (farmboy goes to the stars to fight a planet destroying machine) Abrams knows, understands and has affection for this material. Some may say a little too much given it does involve a cute droid carrying information vital to The Resistance and The First Order (which are what The Rebellion and The Empire have become 30 years later). There’s also a hotshot pilot and an orphan on a desert planet and…and to say more would give things away and I want you to enjoy it and not kick my ass. Like that dickhead kid who decided he’d give away plot twists after seeing it and had the shit beaten out of him. Do I even have to tell you he was dateless and in a Star Wars costume? What I’m saying is, while there are new things (women and minorities in prominent roles for one), they clearly were not out to reinvent the wheel and rightly so. They give you what you want and they give it too you good, like a well-made cheeseburger but on a brioche bun this time.

EVERYONE INVOLVED IN MAKING THESE IS A WHORE, PERIOD.

When I was waiting in line to see Star Wars, I saw Neil DeGrasse Tyson come in with his kids. They didn’t go to see Star Wars so I like to think they went in to see Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip (opening at number two) instead and that we’d be getting tweets about all the failed physics in the film. Neil DeGrasse Tyson possibly seeing it is probably the most interesting thing about this series, which has reached its fourth goddamned installment. I’m beyond stunned to learn that the first two actually made over $200M domestically. Even the last one made $133 domestic and when you factor in another $50M in DVD sales, you new another one was coming. Again, pulling for Star Wars to help kill this off.

THE TITLE SAYS I HAVE TO

Sisters opens at number three and apparently the pattern of the Tina Fey/Amy Pohler movies will be whomever played the free spirit last time will play the uptight one this time and vice versa. I will see this regardless, but appropriately enough am waiting to see it with my sisters, who complain that I’ve seen everything when I get home.

YOUNG, GIFTED AND YOU KNOW THE REST

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 is down to number five, followed by Creed at number five and is this when we finally get a young Black leading man to take the place of Denzel Washington in Michael B. Jordan? Anthony Mackie was the last candidate, but it clearly didn’t work out as he now supports Chris Evans as The Falcon with no one rushing to give him his own mainstream Hollywood films in which to star (as opposed to indie films and movies clearly meant for a Black audience and no one else). Taye Diggs and Morris Chestnut are well into their 40’s and now on TV. Chaswick Boseman has come close and will actually be lead in his own superhero movie as the Black Panther, but a) he’s 40 and b) and apparently isn’t seen to helm anything beyond bio pics (Diggs and Chestnut didn’t even make it that far). Seriously. He’s been James Brown, Jackie Robinson and next will be Thurgood Marshall. Denzel had his bio pics too (Malcolm X, Cry Freedom, The Hurricane) but was also allowed to be hero cop/lawyer in other films too (albeit with an A-list white star beside him). Michael B. Jordan looks poised to be that guy and is probably thrilled the Fantastic Four movie failed because now he’s not obligated to any sequels that will keep him out of choice roles.

LOOKING FORWARD TO KRAMPUS 2: THE WRATH OF RUDOLPH

The Good Dinosaur is down to number six, followed by Krampus at number seven and how is it this is the first time the other side of the Santa Clause legend has gotten his own movie? You’d think an animated feature about him would write itself (he was reassigned to administrative duties after the marketing department decided he didn’t “sell” to a modern audience). At least they had the common sense to go with black comedy about the being who came at Christmas time to punish bad children. Needless to say, overseas where Krampus is still very much a part of the holiday it’s doing very well. It’s made double its budget here so once home video sales are tallied in, don’t be surprised if sequels become a holiday occasion.

SADLY, IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO BE BIG AND PRETTY

In the Heart of the Sea is down to number eight and fool me once, Chris Hemsworth and Ron Howard, shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me. I tend to forget that when the rubber meets the road, Ron Howard is one of the most pedestrian A-list directors working. The opposite of people like Ridley Scott, he has neither style nor flair…or even an interesting point of view, which is why his best work was Apollo 13, which is practically a documentary. I’m still amazed a Beautiful Mind was as good as it was, because usually he makes movies that look like big budget TV films with the same level of writing. Rush, which also starred Chris Hemsworth was one such film. In fact, given that most of Chris Hemsworth’s non-Thor work has sucked, this has two strikes against it right out of the gate and that was more than enough for me to give it a pass.

WHY WE’RE STILL GREAT: AMERICA IS ONE OF THE FEW COUNTRIES WHERE BEAUTY QUEENS DON’T HAVE INSTANT CAREERS

Dilwale and Bajirao Mastani are at nine and ten and are two of those Indian films that hit the top ten from time to time. The most notable thing about the latter one to us is that it stars Priyanka Chopra who stars in that dumb Quantico show. She’s stunning (Miss World 2000, first non-white face for Guess Jeans) and has a great deep scratchy voice (sorry, that works for me) and hopefully will see better things from Hollywood. Then again, if the posters of her Bollywood movies are any clue, she’s used to successful crap and feels right at home already. I mean aside from being able to actually kiss a dude onscreen.

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THE MONEY MACHINE ROLLS ON

4 May

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1. Avengers: Age of Ultron/Disney Wknd/$ 187.7 Total/$ 187.7
2. The Age of Adaline/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 6.3 Total/$ 23.4
3. Furious 7/Universal Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 330.5
4. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 Wknd/$ 5.6 Total/$ 44.0
5. Home/Fox Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 158.1
6. Cinderella/Disney Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 193.7
7. Ex Machina/A24 Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 10.9
8. Unfriended/Universal Wknd/$ 1.9 Total/$ 25.2
9. The Longest Ride/Fox Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 30.4
10. Woman in Gold/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 21.6

WATCH ME GET MY GEEK ON!
Surprising absolutely no one, Avengers: Age of Ultron opens at number one and I found this to be superior to the original because it’s more of a movie unto itself and not so much concerned with setting up the next film. This is not to say it’s not setting up the next movie. Oh, no. They’re not afraid to let you know they’re saving shit for you to pay for later. But it’s less of an obvious placeholder. Scenes that showcase every character individually are less forced and even the sub-plots don’t drop like so many lead weights. And last but not least, there’s no 10-minute sequence where Captain America and Iron Man fix an engine. Seriously. I cannot believe they shot that. The movie opens in full swing with The Avengers going after Hydra, which if you remember where the bad guys in Captain America’s two movies because god forbid he fight a Nazi (yes, I will forever be annoyed by that). There they recover Loki’s scepter from the first film and from it Tony Stark creates an artificial intelligence known as Ultron, whom he intends to use to protect the world from the next invasion. Unfortunately Ultron more than has a mind of its own and thinks humanity is the problem and just plans to wipe us all out, Stark in particular. This sets up the basic plot of the film: superheroes vs. giant angry robot. With Ultron are two enhanced (because Fox owns the rights to the term mutant) people who also hate Tony Stark, Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch making more of a fair fight and actually kicking Avenger ass. Ultron is longtime Avengers villain in the comic whom I actually have never cared for, but James Spader via writer/director Whedon has been improved immensely. Before he was just a one note bad guy while they’ve given him a much-needed personality, which is basically what if your angry, sarcastic teenage son had the power to wipe out the world? He hates Tony Stark but has elements of Stark’s personality and hates being reminded of that. You need these moments of humanity given 90% of the film they’re swimming in a sea of CGI and it gets a little tiring. Seriously. It’s fun to watch, but when it’s over you really don’t need to see any more of it anytime soon (which why I had Daredevil to watch, but we’ll get to that). Ironically the Summer Movie Season has more or less begun, so I guess I’ll be seeing more of it next week. And the week after that. And the week after that.

GONNA FINALLY SEE THAT KESSEL RUN!
Age of Adaline actually moves up to number two, a result I gather of women (or men) who just drew a line in the sand and decided not to accompany their men (or women) into seeing Age of Ultron (which would explain why the sequel failed to be top its predecessor). Basically, if they were going to watch some wacky fantasy movie, it was going to be something they were actually interested in with more kissing and less CGI. Also in this is Harrison Ford and playing him younger, Anthony Ingruber who basically got the job doing Harrison Ford impressions on YouTube. You damn kids today. Once upon a time you had to sleep your way into movies. Granted, it helps that he looks like Ford, but can also do him perfectly. If I’m at Disney I’m hiring this kid and just creating a new revenue stream of Young Han Solo movies. Tell me more people wouldn’t see that than the main Star Wars films themselves!?! And now that Lucas is gone there’d be a whole lot of shootin’ first!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT SINGING CAREER?
Furious 7 is down to number three and trying to get on the comic book money train is Tyrese Gibson. Not that I blame him, but I do not want to see this fool as any character I actually care about. Not to mention at 5’11 he’s too short to play the character he wanted, who was Luke Cage (who will have a series on Netflix like Daredevil, but we’ll get to that). That role went to Mike Colter from The Good Wife, who is 6’3”. Damn right. Now Gibson wants to be Jon Stewart, one of the Green Lanterns. Given how Ryan Reynolds crashed and burned, DC will probably go that way. I mean given how bad all their other decisions have been, I wouldn’t be surprised if Gibson got the job. Needless to say, I don’t give a crap about Jon Stewart. I mean, I didn’t care when Common’s talentless ass was cast as him for the aborted Justice League movie, so why would I start now?

THEY’LL PAY FOR THIS NEGLECT IN THE HIGH SCHOOL YEARS
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 is down to number four, followed by Home at number five and Cinderella oddly returning to the top ten at number six. I have no idea how or why. The number of screens actually dropped by almost a thousand and still it popped up. Again, I’m thinking somehow The Avengers had something to do with this. Short sighted fathers who dropped their daughters off here instead of taking them with their brothers to see The Avengers.

IT’S ALWAYS BETTER TO RULE IN HELL
Ex Machina is down to number seven, followed by Unfriended at number eight, The Longest Ride at number nine and The Woman in Gold at number ten and it’s gotta be humbling at home for Ryan Reynolds with Blake Lively’s movie getting more exposure than his. Especially when she’s the star of hers and he’s the co-star of Helen Mirren. Yeah, technically this did better, but is it better to the co-star in a success of the star of a disappointment?

YOU’D HAVE TO BE BLIND NOT TO LOVE THIS.
Since we’re discussing The Avengers and other comic book movies, it’s time I got to my long overdue discussion of Daredevil (told you we’d get to it). Simply put: it’s awesome. Seriously. Forget about that godawful movie with Ben Affleck that even he admits was crap. This. Is. Amazing. Netfilix and Marvel have pulled off something I quite frankly had my doubts about. I know it’s not saying much but this is best superhero TV show ever made. It is gritty and serious as a heart attack, but they make it work. It helps they have time. It’s not so much at TV show, but a 13-hour movie. Each episode builds on the previous episode to a great climax. Having been a fan of the comics this is based upon, my jaw dropped at some of the scenes. They’re making it clear that the comics are merely source material and they feel no obligation to follow them to the letter. Their changes are amazing and may have set the bar too high for them to follow, much less other shows that are coming set in this same world. One primary reason is the villain. It’s an old conceit that your movie can only be as good as its villain and Vincent D’Onofrio brings to life a great villain, The Kingpin. He’s not some two-dimensional bad guy, but a fully realized traumatized human being who has been consumed by his darkside, though he doesn’t admit it even to himself. The other saying is that a good villain is the hero of his own story and in this Wilson Fisk (never called The Kingpin, because what is this, a comic book?) firmly believes he’s saving the city. This city is the New York post-Avengers alien invasion. Hell’s Kitchen isn’t the new home of luxury high rises and nice restaurants that’s threatening to price me out of it, but the crime ridden HK of old thanks to the damage of the alien invasion The Avengers fought off. In a plotline all too real, criminals are making the most of all the new money coming in to redevelop the area. Having grown up there, Fisk thinks he’s saving his old neighborhood and the city with a small consortium of organized crime leaders, from Yakuza to Triads to Russian Mobs (clearly the Italians and Irish are old news). Unfortunately for him, Daredevil, aka, Matt Murdock also grew up in Hell’s Kitchen and is having none of it, going out every night dressed in black, using his hyper senses (developed when he was blinded by radioactive chemicals saving a man’s life) to find crime and beat the crap out of people committing it. They actually make you believe one unarmed guy can derail a business of armed gangsters. It’s fairly simple: you screw up their business enough and the partners start getting impatient and wind up finishing them off. They also do a great job of fleshing out the supporting characters. In the comics Vanessa, The Kingpin’s love interest, is a borderline idiot who has no idea he’s a gangster. Here she’s a woman knowing enough to bring a gun on her second date. She knows what he is and not only accepts it, but helps him somewhat. Karen Page is the secretary/love interest with little going on beyond that in the comics, but here she goes from being a damsel in distress to a pit bull determined to take The Kingpin down no matter what it takes. Daredevil himself had the sense of humor that comes and goes in the comics (depending on who’s writing) and takes a fairly realistic beating for someone fighting crime with no superpowers. When his ability to take a pounding without complaining is pointed out, he quips, “That’s the Catholicism in me.” Seriously, I cannot recommend this enough. It’s not perfect (Asians take it only the chin in all kinds of stereotypes and Daredevil functions a little too well despite vicious beatings). Let me put it this way: just make it to the hallway scene in episode two. That’s when I knew this was the real deal.

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I’M A VICTIM OF MY CULTURE

27 Apr

blake-lively-gossip-03
1. Furious 7/Universal                        Wknd/$ 19.3    Total/$ 320.5
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2                    Wknd/$ 15.5    Total/$ 44.0
3. The Age of Adaline/Lion’s Gate   Wknd/$ 13.4    Total/$ 13.4
4. Home/Fox                                        Wknd/$ 8.3      Total/$ 153.8
5. Unfriended/Universal                    Wknd/$ 6.2      Total/$ 25.2
6. Ex Machina/A24                             Wknd/$ 5.4      Total/$ 6.9
7. The Longest Ride/Fox                    Wknd/$ 4.4      Total/$ 30.4
8. Get Hard/WB                                   Wknd/$ 3.9      Total/$ 84.1
9. Monkey Kingdom/Disney             Wknd/$ 3.6       Total/$ 10.3
10. Woman in Gold/Weinstein         Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 21.6

THE DUMB AND THE ARROGANT
Furious 7 holds onto the top spot for one last week ‘cause we know that once the Avengers sequel comes out that’ll be all she wrote. Returning for this is Ludacris and somewhere Ja Rule weeps because he was in the original The Fast and The Furious and was asked back for 2 Fast 2 Furious but as director John Singleton tells it, Ja thought he was too good for it. Tell me, when was the last time you thought of Ja Rule? Exactly. Not to mention Luda’s role has gone from being a garage owner who manages illegal races to computer tech genius in Fast Five to buff computer tech genius in Fast & Furious 6 to buff computer tech genius who also learned some hand-to-hand combat here in Furious 7. Which is smart on his part, because his future is clearly onscreen It’s a rule: all rappers must segue into acting or die, because it’s seriously a young man’s (or woman’s) game. Not too many at the top of hip-hop in their 30’s. Jay-Z being the exception that proves the rule and event here Beyoncé had a little to do with it.

SOME DESERVE TO BE HERE
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 holds at number two. I’d rundown his co-stars if I weren’t sure they’d like to forget what they were forced to do for rent money and I don’t want to embarrass them further. Except Neal McDonough, who doesn’t do love scenes because he’s married. What an idiot. I have to think that he got on the nerves of the writers on Justified where he played a psychotic killer, which is apparently okay. Fake love scene bad. Fake murder good. As the season ran down his looks were openly mocked by characters on the show. I like to believe that it was because they’d all come to hate him.

IT’S A WEAKNESS AND I FULLY ADMIT IT
Age of Adaline opens at number three and as much as I rag on Hollywood’s (and America’s) preoccupation with skinny blondes, I likes me some Blake Lively. I suffered through at least four years of Gossip Girl just to watch her (yes, I know it ran for six). Yeah, she’s kinda become a wannabe Gwyneth Paltrow, but that’s fine, ‘cause I likes me some Gwyneth too. And the reason I like Blake is because of her fairly obvious flaws, namely that clear nose job and that overbite (Gwynneth aint’ perfect neither). I like perfection in my stars as much as anyone and am openly opposed to looking at ugly dude leads, but occasionally a flaw here or that makes someone a little more compelling. I know it makes me sound crazy, but if I were sane wouldn’t be writing this to begin with. That said, I’m not totally averse to seeing her in a movie. My only rule with stars I like that I’m not going to watch them die and in the case of women be raped. It’s my “Taye Diggs Rule.” I don’t see anything were I know he’s going to die. (or if it just sucks to begin with like that TV show last year). But I do have an overall rule for seeing mediocre movies in the theater: nothing more than 90 minutes and when I saw this was nearly 2 hours I had to give it a pass. Sorry, but an immortal finding love (which undoubtedly will lead to her being mortal again, who are we kidding?) isn’t a two hour movie. Hell, it’s not even a book that should take two hours to read. It’s yet another Outer Limits episode needless stretched out. Guilty pleasures should be brief. Like the 45 minutes (0r less when I fast-forwarded) of Gossip Girl I used to enjoy every week. What do you mean she didn’t end up with Dan? Dan was Gossip Girl? That makes no sense at all! So glad I skipped those last two years.

DOLLA DOLLA BILLS, Y’ALL
Home holds at number four, followed by Unfriended at number five. Not that anyone cares. This turned a profit the first week, so all the rest is just gravy.

SERIOUSLY. JUST RELAUNCH THE OUTER LIMITS
Ex Machina opens wide and enters the top ten at six and I was going to say this was yet another version of the science fiction trope of man creating artificial life and living (or not) to regret it, but then I realized that was Frankenstein. They’re all Frankenstein. Only now the life forms are made up of plastic and steel. Being a science fiction geek I’ve no problem with it and have seen it a couple hundred times, but even though this was given all kinds of positive reviews I gave it a pass because of one aspect: the trope of the fuckable robot. Sorry, but that just immediately makes my eyes roll back into my head. It goes from being a cautionary tale to just making a big version of that sock you keep in your bottom drawer you think your mom doesn’t know about. It’s different when it’s the scientist’s dead loved one. This wants me to take the story of a sex-bot seriously and I just can’t. This isn’t even The Outer Limits; it’s that cable reboot that had T&A. Which means it’s even less deserving of full length movie.

ROYALTY, BITCHES
The Longest Ride is down to number seven and there always seems a perquisite “older person” in these Nicholas Sparks movies to be either be the voice of reason or the voice of warning and in this case it’s Alan Alda, who will always be Hawkeye Pierce to me because I’m old. But even more interesting than that is the fact that the younger version of his character is played by Jack Huston (son of Anjelica, grandson of John, great-grandson of Walter) and his love interest is played by Oona Chaplin (daughter of Geraldine, granddaughter of Charles, great granddaughter of Eugene O’Neil). Seriously, their bios alone are probably more interesting than this movie.

THE END
Get Hard is down to number eight, followed by Monkey Kingdom at number nine and Woman in Gold at number ten.

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ONE, TWO, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, THREE, SEVEN

20 Apr

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1. Furious 7/Universal                          Wknd/$ 29.1    Total/$ 294.4
2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2                      Wknd/$ 24.0   Total/$ 24.00
3. Unfriended/Universal                      Wknd/$ 16.0    Total/$ 16.0
4. Home/Fox                                           Wknd/$ 10.3    Total/$ 142.6
5. The Longest Ride/Fox                      Wknd/$ 6.9      Total/$ 23.5
6. Get Hard/WB                                     Wknd/$ 4.8      Total/$ 78.3
7. Monkey Kingdom/Disney                Wknd/$ 4.7      Total/$ 4.7
9. The Divergent Series: Insurgent     Wknd/$ 4.2      Total/$ 120.6
8. Woman in Gold/Weinstein              Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 15.9
10. Cinderella/Disney                            Wknd/$ 3.9      Total/$ 186.3

IT TEACHES THE KIDS MATH…KINDA. WELL, NOT REALLY.
Furious 7 holds at number one and why this is called Furious 7 while the previous entry was Fast & Furious 6, but the one before that was Fast Five while the one before that was Fast & Furious, which is not to be confused with the very first one, which was THE Fast and THE Furious? I have no freaking idea. The only other title to have “The” in it was the much maligned third entry: The Fast and The Furious: Tokyo Drift and yes, they do make a return here for a brief scene in Tokyo because the films 4, 5, and 6 all take place before the events in number 3. So the order is The Fast and The Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious 6, The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift and now Furious 7. Got it? Good. Needless to say the nine years between entries were not kind to, Lucas Black, the male lead of Tokyo Drift, while the other two leads, Lil’ Bow Wow (understandably going by his real name of Shad Moss these days) and that ethnically dubious girl who’s now more famous for being in a Bruno Mars video, were relatively unchanged. So it’s not only black that doesn’t crack but also brown (she’s Peruvian-Argentine).

FOR EVIL TO SUCCEED ALL THAT IS NEEDED IS FOR GOOD PEOPLE TO SEE BAD MOVIES
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 opens at number two and stop trying to tell me that God exists. What kind of god would let this happen. Twice. On the other hand, if the greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist, then he’s giving himself away by greenlighting films in Hollywood.

A MOVIE NO ONE OVER 60 WILL UNDERSTAND
Unfriended opens at number three and just as a broken clock is right twice a day, apparently a low-budget stepchild of found footage films (everything is seen from the screen of one computer) is both successful and critically praised. The fact that it may be scary is just more reason for me never to see it.

ANOTHER PRETTY BLONDE SUCCEEDS IN LA. NEWS AT ELEVEN.
Home is down to number four, followed by The Longest Ride at number five and this is a another rung up the ladder for Britt Robertson, who I know because I watched both Life Unexpected and The Secret Circle (where she wore her skirts so short they had to be digitally lengthened in post). Shut up! Shame is for lesser people! She and her team have been making good, solid choices. She was the lead on that show though it was cancelled, got steady exposure on Under The Dome, was in Jennifer Anniston’s Oscar-bait movie, Cake, wisely chose this piece of popular crap and it will culminate in Tomorrowland this summer, directed by Brad Bird and starring George Clooney. Remember the last young woman to co-star with Clooney? Shailene Woodley. Good, because I swear this girl’s been chomping at the bit for superstardom for as long as I’ve seen her. We were moments away from a sexually explicit film from her to get noticed. Whoops. She did that last year.

SO FATIGUED IT’S NOT FUNNY
Get Hard is down to number six and given it hasn’t even doubled its budget in the month it’s been out (compare to Furious 7 which hit a billion dollars last week) people may have had enough of both Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell’s manchild routine. I know I have and I’ve only seen one or two of them.

MONKEY FUNNY. ALWAYS AND FOREVER.
Monkey Kingdom opens at number seven and I swear I will watch the shit about of some monkeys in the jungle on The Discovery Channel, but don’t think I’m gonna get up and go pay for it. But great for all of you who did!

I’M TELLING MYSELF HE DOES THIS TO PAY FOR THEATER WORK
Woman in gold is down to number eight, followed by The Divergent Series: Insurgent at number nine with Cinderella closing out the top ten at number ten and while that seems as disappointing as Get Hard given it failed to double its budget domestically, globally it quadrupled it and while Disney isn’t getting all of that, it’s damn sure getting enough. Not to mention what this is going to pull on home video. Oh, and did we ever mention this was directed by Kenneth Branagh? He’s sadly become a director of very mediocre big budget studio films recently. There was nothing exceptional about this. The best thing about Thor was one man’s performance and there was no best thing about Jack Ryan. This is sad because Dead Again was huge dose of campy fun. Given the difference trajectory of their careers, I’m starting to wonder how much of that had to do with Emma Thompson. Especially now that I remember the awfulness that was his version of Frankenstein, which also had Helena Bonham Carter in it. Seems it’s easier to work with ex-girlfriends than ex-wives.

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EVERYBODY LOVES A CHICK FIGHT. EVERY. BODY.

13 Apr

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1. Furious 7/Universal Wknd/$ 60.6 Total/$ 252.5
2. Home/Fox Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 129.6
3. The Longest Ride/Fox Wknd/$ 13.5 Total/$ 13.5
4. Get Hard/WB Wknd/$ 8.6 Total/$ 71.2
5. Cinderella/Disney Wknd/$ 7.2 Total/$ 180.8
6. The Divergent Series: Insurgent Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 114.8
7. Woman in Gold/Weinstein Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 9.3
8. It Follows/RTWC Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 11.8
9. Danny Collins/BST Wknd/$ 1.6 Total/$ 2.5
10. While We’re Young/A24 Wknd/$ 1.4 Total/$ 1.4

CHICK FIGHT!
Furious 7 holds at number 1 and in addition to Tony Jaa the other martial artist in this is MMA Champion, Ronda Rousey. Like Jaa she has to pretend that her opponent wouldn’t be toast in 30 seconds. Just as Paul Walker’s character suddenly became a master of hand-to-hand combat, Michelle Rodriguez’s character also developed martial skills. Not only does she take on Rousey, but a team of female Arab bodyguards before that. And in the previous installment she took on Gina Carano. But like Carano and Tony Jaa and Bruce Lee before her Rousey clearly made it part of her deal that she wasn’t going to lose in a straight-on fight to some actor. Yes, Jaa loses, but not because Walker punches him out or anything. Similarly, Rousey’s fight with Rodriguez ends in a draw, which is good, because if my eyes had rolled back any further in my head I’d have seen my own brainstem. But don’t get me wrong. I am perverse enough to enjoy a good chick fight and I’m not alone considering this was twice as long as the Carano fight. Though the fact they were in evening gowns is clearly someone else’s fetish. Seriously, you just know that’s his kink because he views it as some kind of clever irony. It’s not.

HE HAS HIS OWN SUPER POWER: PANTY DROPPING
Home holds at number two, followed by The Longest Ride opening at number one and the most notable thing about this is that the male lead is Scott Eastwood. Yes, it’s his son, if you couldn’t tell simply by looking at him. Now I will give him credit for at least attempting a career without using his famous name (he used his mother’s surname), but he quickly realized that it’s stupid not to use every advantage you have. Especially when you actually like your dad unlike say, Angelina Jolie Voight. But let’s face it, if a name really did anything for you, Tyrone Power Jr. would have been a giant star, as would Jennifer Grant (yes, Cary Grant’s daughter). And do we have to once again bring up the sad story of the other son of Kirk Douglas who was an actor? Not everyone can be Jeff and Beau Bridges either. Needless to say the simple fact it’s based on a Nicholas Sparks novel guarantees this a place on the crap list, but I’ll never know because I will never, ever see it. In fact, I’m still angry I was tricked into seeing The Notebook (and by “tricked” I mean a really pretty girl I knew named Jennifer wanted to see it). But being in one has never hurt a career if you’re young (Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, Channing Tatum, Miley Cyrus, Amand Seyfried), so it’s a smart move on his part. Another smart move is getting into a comic book movie. Learning that he’s going to play Steve Trevor actually made me interested in a Wonder Woman movie for the first time.

IT’S AN ABOMINATION
Get Hard is down to number four, followed by Cinderella at number five and yes, they are making live action versions of everything now, including Winnie The Pooh and Dumbo. Now, Pinocchio I get, because that has been made into live action features before, but Winnie The Pooh and Dumbo? Why!?! Simply because CGI means you can doesn’t mean you should. May god have mercy on their money grubbing souls…which they clearly gave up long ago.

NOW BEST KNOWN AS A NAME IN AN EMINEM SONG…
The Divergent Series: Insurgent is down to number six and let’s rundown the adult cast in this thing: Oscar winner Kate Winslet, Oscar winner Octavia Spencer, two time Oscar nominee Naomi Watts, Ashley Judd, Ray Stevenson, Maggie Q, Tony Goldwyn, Daniel Dae Kim and Mekhi Phifer. Remember when he played the male lead to Beyonce in MTV’s version of Carmen? Me neither. Though judging by his size on House of Lies last season, brutha hasn’t missed many meals.

IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
The Woman in Gold holds at number seven and also in this is…Katie Holmes? Well, it makes sense given this is little more than a TV movie that escaped into theaters, though the smart move would have been to be an adult in one of the YA novel film adaptations. I also recommend taking that “hot mom” role on a TV show. After all, it’s where you began. Dawson and Pacey have already accepted their small screen fates. Time to join them, Joey.

HOLDING MY WUSSY GROUND
It Follows is down to number eight and yes, I still refuse to see this.

IMAGINE IF THE LETTER HAD BEEN “YOU SUCK. QUIT NOW.”
Entering the top ten at number nine is Danny Collins, which is based on the true story of a folk singer to whom John Lennon once wrote a letter of encouragement, but since no one really gives a crap about a folk singer, the movie makes it a rock singer and if you’re having trouble seeing Al Pacino as an aging rock singer, come sit right next to me. Yes, he was the same age as John Lennon, but still it doesn’t seem to fit. That said, the movie follows this fictional character who like the real life folk singer never received the letter until 40 years later and it makes him reevaluate his life. Honestly, though I still don’t give a crap about folk singing, I’m more interested in how the real life guy handled it, not this clichéd story of about a man trying to re-connect with the son he’s basically ignored for almost 40 years. Not helping is that his growth is also indicated by him dumping his 20-something girlfriend and becoming more interested in the older manager of the hotel where he’s staying, played by Annette Benning. Pacino is 74. Benning is 56. That’s not age appropriate. Not even close. God forbid you give an actress his age a job. Last I heard Julie Christie is still working. How about giving her some fucking work?

OLD PEOPLE NEED MORE SLEEP
Speaking of age appropriate casting, Ben Stiller is forced to submit to it in While We’re Young, entering the top ten at number ten, since age is kinda the focus of the movie. It’s about two 40-somethings played by Stiller and Naomi Watts (two movies in the top ten this week) who reevaluate their lives after striking up a friendship with two 20-somethings, played by Amana Seyfried and the actor, Adam Driver, who plays Hanna’s creepy boyfriend, Adam, on Girls. This is from writer/director, Noah Baumbach (whom I’ve loved since Kicking & Screaming) who’s banging a 20-something in real life while getting divorced from Jennifer Jason Leigh so like most of his work it’s drawn from his real life. I’m not going to say what’s keeping me from seeing this is because it strikes a little too close to home (not the banging a 20-something part), because it’s not. I’m just lazy. That’s the real reason.

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NOT JUST BLAND. DREAMWORKS BLAND.

29 Mar

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1. Home/Fox                                                           Wknd/$ 54.0 Total/$ 54.0
2. Get Hard/WB                                                     Wknd/$ 34.6 Total/$ 34.6
3. The Divergent Series: Insurgent                    Wknd/$ 22.1 Total/$ 86.4
4. Cinderella/Disney                                             Wknd/$ 17.5 Total/$ 150.0
5. It Follows/RTWC                                              Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 4.8
6. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox               Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 119.4
7. Run All Night/WB                                             Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 23.8
8. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel             Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 28.1
9. Do You Believe/PFR                                         Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 7.1
10. The Gunman/ORF                                           Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 8.8

THOUGH MADAGASCAR 3 IS TRULY AWESOME
Home opens at number one and the ad campaign for this was so utterly bland you knew it was a Dreamworks film. When every joke beats you over the head and the stars behind the voices are shoved down your throat, you know it’s definitely not Pixar. Seriously, who the fuck are you people who make a decision on whether or not to see an animated movie based on who does the voices!?! “Oh, I wasn’t going to see that until I heard that Brad Pitt was doing the voice.” What does it fucking matter!?! And seriously who the fuck sees Jim Parsons and wants to see anything!?! Oh, you tasteless fucking Big Bang Theory fans. You probably thought this was brilliant. Me, I couldn’t be bothered. The majority of DreamWorks animated films are barely adequate at best and boring and generic to the point of being offensive at worst. And no, Rhianna doing a voice is not going to change my mind.

YOUR PUN ABOUT THE TITLE HERE: ______
Get Hard opens at number two and the irony of Kevin Hart and Will Farrell working together isn’t lost on me given how I feel about them. They’re great in small doses. They both need a straight man so the two of them as leads is twice the film I never need to see in my lifetime. Hopefully this movie finally put Kevin Hart into a position financially where he doesn’t have a film coming out every other fucking week.

HE LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN HOUND DOG.
The Divergent Series: Insurgent is down to number three and basically every hot young star who wasn’t in The Hunger Games wound up here. I had no idea Miles Teller was in this and if you’ve read any of his interviews he kinda wishes he wasn’t. He’s hot from his indie film work of The Spectacular Now and Whiplash so he’s starting to look down his nose and big paycheck roles like this. Dude, you were in the fucking Footloose remake, not to mention Project X the teen Hangover movie which was actually from the director of The Hangover and 21 & Over which was from the writers of The Hangover. How these are better than an adaptation of a Young Adult novel is beyond me. Oh, and he’s in the Fantastic Four reboot. Yeah, you’re going for the blue chip roles, buddy. But my favorite thing about him is how In Style interviewed him and pointed out immediately that he wasn’t traditionally good looking and he clearly got a little pissed given he’s normally cast in the sidekick role to some guy who actually is traditionally good looking like lack Zac Efron in That Awkward Moment (another movie he seems to have forgotten he made to pay the bills). He’s also not the love interest dude here, which is ironic because the star, Shailene Woodley, was his love interest in The Spectacular Now. That’s gotta sting. Sorry, but it amuses me when dudes occasionally go through what women go through all the time.

SHE STARVED FOR MERCHANT IVORY. THAT WAS ENOUGH.
Cinderella is down to number four and also in this is Helena Bonham Carter and apparently she got used to that Disney money while she was with Tim Burton making crap like Alice in Wonderland. Though, honestly, their Sweeny Todd wasn’t bad.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
It Follows enters the top ten at number five and I will never see this. Unlike 99% of what’s sold as scary, this looks as scary as hell. It’s also the effective metaphor for price paid for sex that other films only pretend to be. Basically, there’s a “thing” after you and the only way to get it off is to pass it to someone else through sex. However, if it catches that person and kills them, then it comes back to you. Also, no one else can see it but you and it can transform into anyone to get next to you. Fuck. Me. The trailer alone messed me up. Movies like this are why I don’t do the scary.

GETTIN’ BY ON HIS LOOKS
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number six, followed by Run All Night at number seven and also in this is Common and will someone please explain to me how he keeps getting work? He’s not a good actor and his rap career hasn’t been relevant for about a decade, so how is this happening? Basically he’s getting by on his looks. There’s just no other explanation. Producers think they’re getting a built-in audience (young people, black people) by casting someone from hip-hop, which isn’t exactly rich in attractiveness. Most of them look like Jay-Z or Lil’ Wayne, so the bar is pretty low. You can imagine how good Common appears in that line-up. Ironically, he’s the physical opposite of Miles Teller, but like him is successful for the reason women are every day. Oh, are you going to argue the reason you even know Olivia Wilde’s name with me now?

HE DOES HAVE MULTIPLE OSCARS AFTER ALL
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is down to number eight, followed by Do You Believe at number nine and The Gunman closes out the top ten at number ten and in this are Ray Winstone, Javier Bardeem and Idris Elba, who clearly only did this because Penn was in it, because Elba barely is. Javier’s scenes take place only in Spain where he lives so for him it as an easy paycheck and he got to stay home with Penelope and the kids. Ray Winstone’s are primarily England it was also an easy gig. Oh, and the female lead. Italian actress, Jasmine Trinca, is twenty years younger than Sean Penn who also co-wrote and co-produced, so clearly it was no accident.

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TAKEN…BY YOUR MIDDLE AGED SUCCESS

23 Mar

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1. The Divergent Series: Insurgent Wknd/$ 54.0 Total/$ 54.0
2. Cinderella/Disney Wknd/$ 34.5 Total/$ 122.0
3. Run All Night/WB Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 19.7
4. The Gunman/ORF Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 5.0
5. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$ 114.6
6. Do You Believe/PFR Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 4.0
8. Focus/WB Wknd/$ 3.3 Total/$ 49.4
9. Chappie/Sony Wknd/$ 2.7 Total/$ 49.4
7. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 28.3
10. The SpongeBob Movie/Par Wknd/$ 2.4 Total/$ 158.8

I’M JUST SAYING IT’S NOT FAIR!
A Poor Man’s Hunger Games, er, I mean, Divergent: Insurgent opens at number one and this is the second installment of the series from that popular Young Adult genre that’s being mined for all its worth. But do you hear people bitching about it the way they do movies based on comic books? Apparently being based on a fantasy/science fiction book aimed at kids without pictures is much more respectable than being based on fantasy/science fiction book aimed at kids with them. No, I’m not being overly-sensitive! Why do you ask!?! Didn’t see read or see Twilight, Harry Potter or The Hunger Games, so I’m not going to read or see this.

BECAUSE COLORBLINDNESS ONLY EXISTS IN A FAIRY TALE. BOOM!
Cinderella is down to number two and one thing I did like about this was the multi-racial casting. It’s a fairy tale. Why the hell should it obey the segregation of a real world!?! When you think about it, it’s actually amazing that it took this long for it to happen. Yes, I know Brandy was Cinderella on TV, but that was the exception and on TV where Brandy had a successful sitcom. This is “a major motion picture” as the saying once went, the first step to it becoming the rule. So in that respect I’m glad it’s doing disgustingly well.

TAKEN…BY FIRST WORLD LIBERAL GUILT
Run All Night drops one notch to number three but still doing better than The Gunman, opening at number four which is a victory of sorts for Liam Neeson. All those who’ve tried to imitate his Older Action Hero transition have failed for the most part showing it has as much to do with him as anything. The Gunman even has the same director as Taken, but while he clearly understood that action films are guilty-free violent fantasies, no one told this to Sean Penn, who as star, co-writer and producer made sure you felt guilty as hell while watching necks being snapped and throats being cut. While we know nothing of what Liam Neeson may have done during his CIA days, Sean Penn is not only openly a mercenary, but also one who assassinates an honest politician for his employer then leaves behind the woman he loves per his orders. Years later he’s atoning for his crime digging wells in the same country he helped tear apart when a hit team comes for him. I will give them credit for throwing around enough jargon to give it the feel of a more grounded type of film (also to travel he needs a false ID so he lacks that magical ability to go from country-to-country untouched like all other action heroes), he’s still as indestructible as James Bond or Jason Bourne, despite having permanent brain injury from a lifetime in combat which hits him at various points…though never when a bad guy needs to die. If you’ve ever seen one of these types of films, you know exactly who the bad guy is immediately, but we have to wait for Penn to figure it out as he tracks down the only other people who knew about the job, one of whom married the girl he left behind. He’s none too happen to see Penn, while she can’t contain how much she still wants him. A good idea of how confusing this film is about its purpose is a) how the violence alternates between graphic (bullets through heads) and shies away (a decapitation happens just off screen) and the love interest who is regularly unclothed, but you never see her. It’s an R-rated film. It’s a Chuck Norris type of myopia where you can have all the violence in the world, but no sex or nudity. Well no female nudity. If starring, writing and producing didn’t say “vanity” the way Penn’s shirt comes off should make it clear. It almost seems like it’s a message from Penn to the rest of Hollywood that he’s in the best shape of his life. At one point he’s wearing a flak jacket with no shirt on! Aside from being humorless it drags on a bit too long, so by the time the final battle at a bullfighting arena occurs you just want them to wrap it up so you too can try to go dig a well to absolve your first world guilt. Ironically, Taken was a no-apologies celebration of bad-ass America over foreigners. Nobody likes a well-intentioned action film.

“AND DON’T BE AFRAID TO BEG. THAT WAS MY MISTAKE.”
Back in the world of fantasy violence, Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number five and with near $300M worldwide total there will probably be a sequel. Hopefully Mark Hamill who has a part that’s little more than a cameo (in the comic book it’s actually Mark Hamill mixed up in the villain’s plot) had some words of advice for the youthful lead, Targon Egerton, given he just got a franchise under his belt. Maybe something like “Be really, really nice to the director so maybe he’ll think of you for his other movies. I mean, couldn’t Indiana Jones have a sidekick? Was that really too difficult to imagine!?!”

THERE ARE NO ATHIESTS WHEN A CAR PAYMENT COMES DUE
Do You Believe opens at number six and this is yet another Christian-themed film which only succeeds in letting you know a) just how many stars you like are religious nutcases and b) the correlation between being a religious nutcase and a lack of career success. For example: Kevin Sorbo. Nothing after Hercules. Religious nutcase. And who’s in this? Mira Sorvino, who was white-hot for a moment then vanished. Wanna take bets that she’s found God over the last few very barren years, while watching former boyfriend, Quentin Tarantino give his crush, Uma Thurman, a classic, career resurging action film. Know what action movie she got when was still dating him? The Replacement Killers. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it, but Kill Bill it ain’t and tall blonde, OSCAR WINNER Sorvino could have slid right into that and don’t think she doesn’t know it.

BUT HE WON’T SINK AS FAR AS INDEPENDENCE DAY 2
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is down to number seven, followed by Focus down to number eight and if you’re wondering why Will Smith hopped on the comic book movie gravy train as part of an ensemble rather than a lead (really, do you think if he wanted to be The Black Panther that Disney would have turned him down?) and just agreed to Bad Boys III, look at this disappointment. Well, I’m sure Martin Lawrence constantly begging helped with Bad Boys III. “Yo, man. I’m sharing a sitcom with Fraiser! Sharing. With. Fraiser. Help me, please!”

OR BE AN “M” TO SOME DUDE’S BOND
Chappie is down to number nine and speaking of returning to the well for a career boost, also in this is Sigourney Weaver who’ll be returning to the Alien franchise for a movie that ignored the third and fourth films. Amen, sister! Get that cheddar! Apologize for nothing. Harrison Ford still thinks he’s got another Indiana Jones in him so why can’t you have this? Though honestly, you need to get on that live action Disney movie gravy train and rock the hell out of a wicked witch.

THE DEFINITION OF BEING LIQUID
Finally, closing out the top ten at number ten is The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water.

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