Tag Archives: Vince Vaughn

GUN TOTING ROBOTS

9 Mar

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1. Chappie/Sony                                                   Wknd/$ 13.3   Total/$ 13.3
2. Focus/WB                                                         Wknd/$ 10.0  Total/$ 34.6
3. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel           Wknd/$ 8.6    Total/$ 8.6
4. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox             Wknd/$ 8.3     Total/$ 98.0
5. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                           Wknd/$ 7.0     Total/$ 149.0
6. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal                   Wknd/$ 5.6     Total/$ 156.4
8. The Lazarus Effect/Relativity                       Wknd/$ 5.1     Total/$ 17.4
7. McFarland, USA/Disney                                Wknd/$ 5.3     Total/$ 29.4
9. The Duff/LionsGate                                        Wknd/$ 4.9     Total/$ 26.1
10. Unfinished Business/Fox                             Wknd/$ 4.8    Total/$ 4.8

THAT’S NOT HOW A ROBOT WITH A GUN IS SUPPOSED TO TALK
Chappie opens at number one and there was a time I’d be all over this. Robots!?! Robots with guns!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots run by Wolverine and Ripley!?! But apparently my decades long run of being 14 has come to an end, because I really couldn’t muster up the interest to see this. Maybe it’s because I kinda think Hugh Jackman and Sigourney Weaver are right and aren’t really the bad guys here. Artificial Intelligence is dangerous. Especially when you give it a gun and authority. Suppose it sees us for the self-destructive, planet-killing fuck ups we are? This could be the prequel to The Matrix! The other reason is because that robot sounds so fucking stupid speaking of himself in the third person I couldn’t stand it. “Chappie’s got stories!?! Chappie’s got a book?” Well I’ve got cable and that’s where I’ll be watching this in about 9-12 months.

SOMEWHERE GRETCHEN MOL STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
Focus is down to number two and the female lead in this is Margot Robbie who’s a legit “Hot New Thing” (against all odds she’s young and blonde) given she has actual accomplishments as opposed to just hype with nothing really to show for it. Last year she was the female lead in Wolf 0f Wall Street. Next year she’ll be in Suicide Squad with Will Smith and Jared Leto. A-list roles in A-list movies…with 40-something A-list males stars. That’s when you really know you’re hot; you making movies with superstars old enough to be your dad because they only want to next to the Hot New Thing. And you know who was originally supposed to be the lead in this? Ben Affleck, another 40-something. She probably won’t kiss a dude her own age until she’s the star of her own film, which should be any second now.

WELCOME TO THE DAYS OF PLAYING SOMEONE’S DAD
Speaking of aging Hollywood leading men, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel opens at number two and joining this ensemble cast is Richard Gere, who can count on one hand the number of time he’s kissed a woman his own age on film and this barely adds to the list as his romantic interest is still younger than he is, albeit only by five years. As opposed to Winona Ryder, Julia Roberts, Diane Lane, Helen Hunt, Laura Linney, Hilary Swank…etc. Oh, sure Susan Sarandon played his wife twice, but he spent 90% of his time with JLo in one and in the other he had a 30-something mistress whom he actually touched.

NO GLEE FOR THIS (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number three and as the villain sidekick with razor sharp prosthetic legs that she actually uses to kill and cut people in half is dancer Sofia Boutella. Never heard of her? Me neither, but she was a dancer with Madonna, did one of Lindsay Lohan’s desperate “look at me” magazine spreads and was part of the Nike campaign targeting women which was pretty awesome. Also she can do that dancer thing where she can put one leg straight up in the air, which I really, really really like. But she looks a lot like Lea Michele, which the notoriously competitive Michele surely doesn’t appreciate, because it’s one less big role she could have had.

GONNA KEEP BEATING THAT DEAD HORSE
The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water is down to number five, followed by Fifty Shades of Grey at number six and also in this is Jennifer Ehle who looked like she was headed for bigger things at one point, but maybe that’s because she looks so damn much like Meryl Streep and that may be a liability in a world where Meryl Streep is still taking big roles and has not one, but two daughters out there acting as well. I guess that’s why she’s now playing Dakota Johnson’s mom and showing up on shows like The Blacklist. Well, it’s a huge movie and she’s getting exposure, but don’t think for one second she’ll be swapping spit onscreen with men her own age like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith.

AS DISAPPOINTING AS ONE’S ACTUAL TEEN YEARS
McFarland USA is down to number seven, followed by The Lazarus Effect at number eight and The DUFF at number nine, and this has made $27M off a $9M budget so it’s a modest hit. I feel for these kids and these weak-ass teen flicks. It’s been a decade since Mean Girls and nothing approaching it as come up. Ironically, when you can only draw in your target audience you’re a bit of a creative failure for a teen movie. Given everyone has been to high school and would be able to relate they’d all see it, not just kids.

THANK GOD JON FAVERAU IS TOO BUSY FOR HIM
Finally, Unfinished Business opens at number ten and honestly I can say I’m sad because Vince Vaughn crossed the line from appealing to annoying as fuck a few exits back. While it’s smart they paired him up with two other people to dilute his presence, he’s still the lead and therefore will continue to be as annoying as possible. In Old School you knew Luke Wilson (pre-bloat) was the leading man and Will Ferrell his comic relief. Vaughn was the third wheel and he was perfect there. It’s also the a blight on the comeback career of Sienna Miller who was not only in the biggest film of last year, American Sniper, but in two Oscar Nominated films (American Sniper and Foxcatcher).

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I STILL DON’T CARE

24 Nov

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1. The Hunger Games 2/LGF                   Wknd/$ 161.1            Total/$ 161.1

 2. Thor: The Dark World/BV                  Wknd/$  14.1            Total/$ 167.8

 3. The Best Man Holiday/Universal      Wknd/$  12.5            Total/$  50.4

 4. Delivery Man/BV                                   Wknd/$    8.2            Total/$     8.2

 5. Free Birds/Relativity                             Wknd/$    5.3            Total/$  48.6

 6. Last Vegas/CBS                                       Wknd/$    4.4            Total/$  53.9

 7. Bad Grandpa/Paramount                      Wknd/$    3.5            Total/$  95.5

 8. Gravity/Warners                                     Wknd/$    3.3            Total/$ 245.5

 9. 12 Years A Slave                                       Wknd/$    2.8            Total/$   29.4

10. Dallas Buyers Club/Focus                    Wknd/$    2.8            Total/$    6.5

 

THE RUNNING GIRL

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire opens at number one breaking a record and like Twilight before it and Harry Potter before that this is something that has gone right past me. Know why? BECAUSE I’M AN ADULT AND I DON’T READ CHILDREN’S BOOKS  THAT’S WHY! Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Just don’t ask me what adult books I’m reading. And honestly, I just have a problem where children are forced to fight children to the death.  Somewhere down the line I’ve just gotten squeamish about certain things and watching children die onscreen is one of them. Yes, I know. This time around it’s full-grown adults fighting (which is one of the oldest tropes in and out of science fiction), but I still can’t get with it.  The taint remains.

 

TWO SMART GIRLS

Thor: The Dark World drops to number two and if you’re saving that episode of Agents of SHIELD to watch until you see this, don’t bother. It has almost nothing to do with the movie.  Seriously.  It’s just a carrot to draw you into that incredibly lackluster series.  Speaking of lackluster series, how happy is Kat Dennings for these movies?  Every two years she’s gets to be in a blockbuster film and this time around actually joins Tom Hiddleston in “Steal The Movie” club which should bump her up in a way Two Broke Girls never could. As Hiddleston stole Thor from Thor, Darcy steals the movie from Natalie Portman’s Jane Foster, Thor’s mortal love interest. She’s clearly the more interesting of the two and between her and overlooking Sif, Thor’s taste in women is seriously in question.

 

ANOTHER BRIDESMAID

The Best Man Holiday is down to number three and with the entire original cast returning also in this is Nia Long who, quite honestly, was Kerry Washington before Kerry Washington as the potential heir to Halle Berry’s throne (as we know, Hollywood and only have one A-list minority lead at a time).  The difference being Kerry Washington had the A-list films (Ray, Django Unchained) and now hit TV series (Scandal), whereas Nia Long peaked in Big Momma’s House and Third Watch.  Ouch.

 

MONEY NO MORE

The Delivery Man opens at number four (the lower budget makes this not as bad as you think) and this is a remake of a French film that just came out last year and even I was shocked at how quickly Hollywood remade it.  It’s a cute enough premise, but they should have found a different leading man, because Vince Vaughn and his motormouth routine gets old fast.  In fact it’s been old for a long time now and this is coming from someone who was a huge fan after Swingers and followed his indie career in things like Clay Pigeons, Return to Paradise and yes, even the shot-for-shot remake of Psycho so my bitterness is earned, baby.  Someone a little more charming and little less annoying would have served this film well.  And better looking. Seriously. It matters.

 

THE TURKEY YOU’RE HAPPY TO KILL

Speaking of annoying onscreen motormouths, Owen Wilson is one of the voices in Free Birds, down to number five and the only thing worse than Owen Wilson is just his voice, I don’t care what cute animal you put up there onscreen.

 

BAD GRANDMA?

Last Vegas is down to number six, followed by Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa at number seven and given how well this has done prepare yourself for an onslaught of low budget prankster films. Okay, maybe not an onslaught, but there will definitely be more of them coming.

 

TRAUMATIC ISN’T THE WORD FOR IT

Gravity is down to number eight, followed by 12 Years a Slave down to number nine and some people have issues with seeing their favorite stars as evil slave owners. I don’t want to hear it. Roots had everyone in Hollywood owning slaves and you don’t know from difficult until you’ve seen Mr. Brady own slaves or Sandy Duncan toss around the “n-word.”

 

THE MANY FACES OF MATTHEW

Finally entering the top ten at ten is more Oscar bait in the form of Dallas Buyer’s Club, continuing the Matthew McConaughey renaissance.  Apparently somewhere down the line he tired of merely being a parody of himself and decided to be a more serious version of himself, because lets face it: he’s always playing Matthew McConaughey. He’s not Daniel Day Lewis and can disappear into any role.  He can only be a more somber McConaughey (like in the surprise hit, Mud), a more straight-laced McConaughey (The Lincoln Lawyer and Bernie) a more psychotic McConaughey (Killer Joe) or a more sleazy McConaughey (Magic Mike, which I honestly thought he deserved a Best Supporting nomination for). But it’s always McConaughey.

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ROSEMARY’S BABY IS AN INDICTMENT OF THE PATRIARCHY

9 Jun

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 1. The Purge/Universal                            Wknd/$  36.4            Total/$  36.4

 2. Fast & Furious 6/Universal                 Wknd/$  19.8            Total/$202.9

 3. Now You See Me/LGF                          Wknd/$  19.5            Total/$  61.4

 4. The Internship/Fox                               Wknd?$  18.1            Total/$   18.1

 5. Epic/Fox                                                   Wknd/$  12.1            Total/$  84.2

 6. Star Trek Into Darkness/Par                Wknd/$  11.7            Total/$ 200.1

 7. After Earth/Sony                                     Wknd/$  11.0            Total/$  46.6

 8. The Hangover Pt. III/Warners             Wknd/$   7.4            Total/$ 102.4

 9. Iron Man 3/Paramount                          Wknd/$   5.8            Total/$ 394.3

10. The Great Gatsby/Warners                  Wknd/$   4.2             Total/$ 136.2

 

NOW PLAYING AT THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

The Purge opens at number one and it’s funny how right wing movies tend to be action oriented films where the government can solve the world’s ills with bullets and problems are caused by certain people (women, minorities, foreigners) messing things up, while left wing movies tend be horror films where the evil usually comes as the result of the government or status quo and it’s “certain people” who save the day or at least survive (there’s more politics in zombie movies than you think).  This speaks volumes about the mindset of the two groups.  While you discuss this amongst yourselves, The Purge is decidedly left wing presenting a dystopia where prosperity is based upon once a year letting people want to go out into the streets and commit whatever crimes they can upon those still out. Of course this would mean those lacking the money and power to hide and protect themselves.  Ethan Hawke is a man who blindly parrots the virtues of the yearly purge and has become wealthy selling home security systems so basically the movie is all about his chickens coming home to roost.  I passed because as we all know—say it with me—“I don’t do the scary.”  Good or bad, I avoid it where I can.  Also politics aside, how many of these freaking “family trapped in a house” movies have come out in the last few years?  And the home invaders all seem to be master ninjas who know how to silently get past security and are fearless and nearly invulnerable to weapons.  Not to mention all seem to wear the same kind of creepy mask and have in their groups girls who are 90 pounds soaking wet with rocks in their pockets that we’re to take seriously as threats.  Am I really supposed to be scared by Muffy and Buffy and in their gossamer dresses no matter how crazy?  I think not.  And while the average family shouldn’t be masters of setting up a defense choke point in their houses, it’s logical that a man who does home security would know better than most how to deal with intruders, but if he does, then you have no movie, so he has to be the least secure home security expert on earth.

 

BEAUTY FADES

Fast & The Furious 6 is finally down to number two and we’re gonna have to take the “pretty boy” out of Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker as time has robbed him of some of that golden boy beauty.  Not helping is the fact that someone, somewhere seems to think that looking grungy works for him. It doesn’t. A little beard stubble can be sexy; a lot without a beard just makes you look homeless.  So let’s get a shave and put some highlights back in those golden locks. You don’t see Brad Pitt letting himself be gray onscreen.

 

LIKE FINE WINE APPARENTLY WORKS FOR  DUDES TOO

Now You See Me is down to number three and if we continue playing our geek game, Alfred the Butler, Lucius Fox and The Incredible Hulk are all out to catch a bunch of con artists, AKA, “What’s The Worst Superhero Team Up Ever?”  Both Woody Harrelson and Mark Ruffalo are having a bit of a career resurgence in their middle age, the former churning out Oscar worthy work on a regular basis while the latter is seeming himself in hit films for the first time ever.  Both had a moment as the mainstream male lead when they were younger but ultimately couldn’t hang onto it.  Though honestly if Indecent Proposal means being on top and I can see why Harrelson may have just stopped trying. They both seem to pay the bills by supporting today’s younger leads in mainstream work, while starring in more substantial indie projects.  Well played, gentlemen. Well played.

 

NEXT UP: REDDIT THE MOVIE

The Internship opens at number four and my schadenfreude is in full effect as I cannot stand either Luke Wilson or Vince Vaughn and them together is basically my definition of hell. No, that would be trapped in an elevator with the two of them as they let flow with their patented stream of verbal diarrhea, though this is close.   Honestly, what made them think someone wanted to see a movie about Google?  Just because The Social Network made money doesn’t mean any website can have a movie. They would have been better off making Funeral Crashers, the logical bookend sequel to Wedding Crashers.

 

NO MATTER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE…BEING LOVED BY GEEKS

Epic holds on at number five, no doubt counting the days until Monsters University wipes it off the face of the earth, while Star Trek Into Darkness is down to number six and also in this is Buckaroo Banzai/Robocop himself, Peter Weller adding another geek cred to his tally after being the voice of Batman in the animated adaptation of The Dark Knight Returns, where his line readings were so boring I imagine he recorded them while sitting in his living room, sipping bourbon while reading the paper.  Thankfully, he’s a little more invested here.

 

IF IT MAKES YOUR FEEL BETTER, YOUR MOM WAS IN ANGEL HEART

After Earth drops to number seven and walking away from this pretty much unscathed is another second generation actor: Zoe Kravitz, the daughter of Lenny and Lisa Bonet.  She plays Will Smith’s daughter who was killed by one of the creatures while protecting Jaden who was understandably traumatized. She shows up in flashbacks throughout and can hopefully return to the X-Men franchise and put this all behind her.

 

MONEY TALKS, YOUR COMPLAINTS WALK

The Hangover III is down to number eight and despite lousy reviews and overall audience disappointment the momentum behind this film is still so strong that it’s already made $272M worldwide from a $103M budget, which means it will still be solidly profitable so director/writer Todd Phillips could give a shit what anyone thinks about this serious left turn.

 

IT’S A REWARD FOR BEING IN AN AWESOME FILM THAT TANKED

Iron Man 3 is down to number nine and also in this is Guy Pearce who at one point was rumored to be up for Daredevil before it went disastrously to Ben Affleck. On one hand, it would have been perfect casting for him to do it. On the other hand, he would have been in one of the worst superhero movies ever. Seriously, Elektra was better and Elektra was awful and something Jennifer Garner only did because of contractual obligations.  Funny how his LA Confidential co-star, Russell Crow will next be seen in Man of Steel, while his other LA Confidential costar, Kevin Spacey, was in Superman Returns and yet another LA Confidential costar, Kim Basinger, was in Batman and yet another LA Confidential co-star, Danny DeVito, was in Batman Returns and still another LA Confidential co-star, James Cromwell, was in Spider-Man 3. Oh, and he was in Count of Monte Cristo with Henry Cavill who plays Superman. Fine. It’s just funny to me, then.

 

THE END

Finally, The Great Gatsby closes out the top ten at number ten.