Tag Archives: Veronica Mars

NEED FOR FURIOUS

16 Mar

aaronpaulwalker

 1. Mr. Peabody & Sherman/Fox                 Wknd/$  21.2            Total/$  63.2

 2. 300: Rise of an Empire/Warner            Wknd/$  19.1            Total/$  78.3

 3. Need for Speed/Touchstone                   Wknd/$  17.8            Total/$  17.8

 4. Non-Stop/Universal                                 Wknd/$  10.6            Total/$  68.8

 5. Single Mom’s Club/LGF                          Wknd/$    8.3            Total/$    8.3

 6. The LEGO Movie/WB                              Wknd/$    7.7            Total/$ 236.9

 7. Son of God/Fox                                          Wknd/$    5.4            Total/$   50.9

 8. The Grand Budapest Hotel/Fox            Wknd/$    3.6            Total/$     3.6

 9. Frozen/Disney                                           Wknd/$    2.1            Total/$ 396.4

10. Veronica Mars/Warner                           Wknd/$    2.0            Total/$     2.0

 

MAYBE IT’S IRONIC VIEWING GIVEN THE CURRENT STATE OF GREECE?

Mr. Peabody & Sherman rises to number one because apparently the movies are still cheaper than babysitters, while 300: Rise of an Empire drops to number two because, well it blows. But you might want to prepare yourself for a third installment because this has done gangbusters overseas. Apparently half-naked men fighting for the glory of Greece has an international audience (I doubt Greece itself has enough money to have bought all those tickets). I expect it’ll be about that final battle on Platea that was beginning at the end of 300, which in fact was the final defeat of the Persian Empire in Greece.  This will allow for Sullivan Stapleton to actually return as the lead for the sequel…not that anyone would care or notice, he’s so boring (he’s more interesting as an American on Strike Force).  Apparently Scottish Greeks are much more charismatic than Australian Greeks.  You know, the more of them that we see the more apparent is it becomes that personality isn’t a given amongst actors from “down under.”  Mel Gibson, Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe are clearly the exceptions while blander than bland actors like Stapelton, Sam Worthington, Alex O’Laughlin, Matt Passmore and Ryan Kwanten and Jai Courtney are the rule.

 

I FEEL THE NEED, THE NEED FOR A BETTER SCRIPT

Need For Speed opens at number three and the most remarkable thing about this movie is how long it too to get made in that it’s a very popular video game franchise and it’s clearly trying to cash in the Fast & The Furious Franchise with its eclectic group of multi-cultural street racers. Someone trying to make a buck on either is long overdue, much less someone trying to do both at the same time.    Now would think with all the time it had to try to this it’d be better. You’d be wrong.  The great thing about the Need For Speed games is that it decided anyone who’d attempt a street race would be set upon by cops, so you’re not just racing your opponent , but also trying to outrun the law, which is awesome fun.  This should be easiest thing to depict on film given the chase scene is a Hollywood staple, right? Wrong. And it doesn’t help that one of the first scenes in the film is set at a drive-in where they’re watching the first great car chase scene in Bullitt. Way to set the bar, morons.  Enjoy it because you won’t see another car chase for awhile and none in the Need For Speed mode until the very end and when you do the fun of out running cops in an exotic sports car is lost in the collateral damage caused. In a video game you’re not hurting anyone. You simply outrun the police. Onscreen we’re watching cops in wrecks so violent there was undoubtedly a loss of life. How am I supposed to root for the guy in a race that probably killed a cop because that cop was trying to avoid hitting that busload of children?  That the film is too long which gives you time to think on these things doesn’t help.  Rather than simply jump in to the main story which is Aaron Paul’s racing to get revenge and justice on Dominic Cooper for wrecking and killing Paul’s friend (and the younger brother of Cooper’s girlfriend) in a race, we have to see that race…and the situation which led up to it…and a dull race before that…and this is still after an expository opening scene with Michael Keaton as someone kind of internet radio host. He could have easy have summed everything up for us allowing us to start with the better part of the film which is Paul getting out of jail then trying to get cross country in less than two days to be in a race to defeat Dominic Cooper. That the movie is all kinds of dumb goes without saying.  The “big secret race” is anything but and Michael Keaton (who is also its organizer) is broadcasting it online in detail for the world to see!  Pretty sure the first rule of Secret Race Club is not to tell the world about Secret Race Club. He’s also supposed to be a mystery, yet he shows his face in his broadcasts!  Now, I know it’s dark and cynical of me to say that the Fast & Furious franchise is ripe for a competitor with the loss of Paul Walker, but it’s true.  Fortunately for them this isn’t it.

 

I AM JACK’S ANGRY TASTE

Non Stop is down to number four, followed by Tyler Perry’s Single Mom’s Club opening at number five and I’d say that this opening low was a sign that maybe Tyler Perry’s annoying run was finally showing signs of fatigue, but it probably only cost about $2 to make, so it will probably be profitable in the long run.  In an odd way this may not even count as most of his films are aimed squarely at a Black audience (like a sniper’s rifle in my opinion, hating him the way I do) while this is clearly trying to bring a wider (aka “White”) audience.  The lesson that might be sadly taken away from this I don’t even want to think about, because it’s the excuse that Hollywood uses every day to justify a lack of diversity. Why am I even thinking this much about a freaking Tyler Perry movie!?! Next!

 

YET ANOTHER THING THAT IS AWESOME

The LEGO Movie is down to number six. Hold on. Let me think of how great, original and funny this was to wipe all thoughts of Tyler Perry from my mind. Ahhhhhhh. Now it’s been out for over a month and a half now so it’s hardly a spoiler to talk about how Star Wars pops up onscreen with Han, Lando and C3Po showing up in the Millennium Falcon. It’s a great scene and Billy Dee Williams and Anthony actually do the voices of Lando and C3PO. You know Harrison Ford was too much of a grumpy old man to do Han.

 

PTTD: POST TRAUMATIC TWEE DISORDER

Son of God is down to number seven, followed by The Grand Budapest Hotel entering the top ten at number eight and one of the great things about living in a city like New York is that I can literally see films that aren’t open anywhere else in the country.  And I used to do just that. I would have been on The Grand Budapest Hotel like a dog on a bone back in my indie film watching days.  Now I just tell myself I’ll eventually get to it…which I don’t. Then I tell myself I’ll just watch it on Netflix…but I don’t do that either. Sigh. What’s wrong with me? I find time for crap like 300: Rise of an Empire and Need For Speed, but not this. I blame my times as a indie film reviewer. It killed my ability to tolerate the self-indulgence that’s so much at part of indie filmmaking. Sometimes you wish some guy in a suit would walk in and tell them “No. This is just too pretentious. Stop it!”

 

IT’S LIKE BUYING BIRTH CONTROL

Frozen is down to number nine and should be gone as the DVD is coming out, much to the chagrin of parents everywhere who have to buy and now watch it every. single. day.

 

MORONS ARE LOOSE

Veronica Mars opens at number ten and the very existence of this movie makes me so angry can barely see. In case you didn’t know, this was crowd sourced. In other words FANS FUCKING PAID FOR IT THEMSELVES SO WARNER BROTHERS COULD MAKE IT THEN CHARGE THEM ADMISSION!  Aside from setting the horrific precedent of consumers paying multi-billion dollar corporations, it has to be biggest example of the truism “a fool and his money are soon parted” ever. Jack trading the cow for magic beans shows more common sense. What’s worse is you know these same idiots are going to buy it when it comes out on DVD so they’re paying 3 times!  Sigh. But you know what? I should be grateful because as  geek myself this crap makes me now look normal. Hell, it makes all fans look normal. You people getting married in Klingon and Elvish? You’re no longer the bottom of the fan barrel.  A new low has been achieved.

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YOU STAY CLASSY, AMERICA

22 Dec

infinity-gauntlet-2of3

 1. The Hobbit 2/Warner                             Wknd/$   31.7            Total/$ 127.7

 2. Anchorman 2/Paramount                     Wknd/$  26.8            Total/$   40.0

 3. Frozen/Disney                                          Wknd/$  19.2            Total/$ 191.6

 4. American Hustle/Sony                           Wknd/$  19.1             Total/$   20.2

 5. Saving Mr. Banks/Disney                      Wknd/$   9.3              Total/$    9.3

 7. Tyler Perry’s A Madea Xmas/LGF       Wknd/$    8.5             Total/$   28.3

 6. The Hunger Games 2/LGF                    Wknd/$    8.8             Total/$ 371.7

 8. Walking With Dinosaurs/Fox               Wknd/$    7.3             Total/$     7.3

 9. Dhoom 3/Yash                                         Wknd/$    3.3              Total/$     3.3

10. Thor: The Dark World/BV                    Wknd/$    1.3              Total/$ 200.8

 

CUZ THEY’RE ENGLISHMEN/IDENTICAL ENGLISHMEN

The Hobbit: The Desolations of Smaug holds at number one and also in this is Luke Evans, aka That Guy You Keep Mistaking For Orlando Bloom. What makes even funnier is that Orlando Bloom also returns here as Legolas, archery elf supreme. And to top off the funny an arrow is very much a part of the character that Luke Evans plays.   He was also in the horrible Three Musketeers remake…with Orlando Bloom.  But did we ever see them together onscreen? Hmmmm…

 

ADS NAUSEAM

Anchorman 2 opens at number two and thank Zeus this damn thing finally came out because this advertising campaign has been going on all year at a relentless pace. I swear I saw Will Ferrell pop up in The Hobbit!  Seriously!  I didn’t see this because I didn’t see the first one, though I know everyone and his mother loves it.  Will Ferrell is another one of those funnymen where a little goes a long way and there’s a lot of him here. Too much for me.

 

XOXO

Frozen is down to number three and as the other main voice is Kristen Bell, aka Veronica Mars and this ironically proves that people love her so long as they don’t have to see, as her biggest successes since those days having been the voice of “Gossip Girl” (proving the writers were pulling it out of their asses by making it be Dan all along) and this.  Yeah, she’s on House of Lies, but how many of you have actually seen that?  Exactly. I actually watch it, but I fast forward through half of it, usually when she’s onscreen.

 

OUR LOVE/HATE AFFAIR WITH 70’S FASHION

Blatant Oscar-bait American Hustle finally enters the top ten at number four and it took the ad campaign long enough to actually tell people this has a plot.  It’s about Abscam, which was a famous scandal in its day, but didn’t have the weight of an Iran-Contra, which quickly wiped out of the American consciousness. Until now they’ve basically been selling “Come see all these heavyweight actors in 70’s period garb!”  What’s sad is how appealing that actually was and I include myself in this. I promise, Christian Bale, I will see this one, having blown off Out of the Furnace. Or was it Into the Furnace? I think that says it all.

 

WELL, DISNEY DOES LIKE TO MAKE FAIRY TALES

Saving Mr. Banks enters the top ten at number five and this is Tom Hanks’ second Oscar bait film this year and the second one undone by reality.  While Captain Phillips was undone by the actual crew coming out to say they hated him, this is undone by the fact that P.L Travers the author of Mary Poppins, hated Disney and it was mutual. He never actually met her so she wasn’t some repressed woman thawed out by Walt Disney’s charms.  She was a bisexual woman with a girlfriend and an adult son and she so hated this movie she put in her will that not only could Disney not do any sequels, but no American could ever adapt it again, period. I mean this movie is such a piece of Disney propaganda that they don’t even have Walt Disney smoking which is the one thing he did a actually do.

 

TYRANNOSAURUS SUX

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is down to number six, followed by Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas at number seven and Walking With Dinosaurs opening horribly at number eight. Do you know how badly you have to suck to make a dinosaur film that kids don’t want to see? To paraphrase Jurassic Park, “Fox found a way.”  The original was a very successful BBC series. This has been dumbed down into a comedic family film.  Apparently you can go broke trying to underestimate the taste of the American public.

 

WHAT PART OF “MELTING POT” DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Dhoom: 3 opens at number nine and honestly that these films aimed at a specific part of the American audience can still make a little money is what makes America great. There should be something for everyone at the movie theaters. No, I have no idea what this is about, but my point remains valid.

 

WELCOME TO GEEK CLASS

Finally, Thor: The Dark World closes out the top ten at number ten and if you don’t understand the post credit teaser, here you go: that weirdo played by Benicio Del Toro was The Collector, one of the cosmic Elders of the Universe in Marvel comics. Every elder has an Infinity Gem, each with different powers. Now when all are combined they give the possessor infinite power and that guy you saw in the post credit sequence in The Avengers was Thanos, who does get them all and sets out to destroy the universe to please Death itself because he’s in love with her. It took all superheroes on Earth to stop him. Sif and Volstagg were giving him one of the gems for safekeeping because there was already one on Asgard.  This is clearly leading into The Guardians of the Galaxy movie coming from Marvel. What are the Guardians of the Galaxy? Sigh. Sit down, Timmy, and I’ll explain…