Tag Archives: The Wolverine

THIRD BLOODY TIME’S THE CHARM!

6 Mar

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1. Logan/Fox                                       Wknd/$ 85.3    Total/$ 85.3
2. Get Out/Universal                         Wknd/$ 26.1    Total/$ 76.0
3. The Shack/LG                                Wknd/$ 16.1     Total/$ 16.1
4. The LEGO Batman Movie/WB   Wknd/$ 11.7     Total/$ 148.6
5. Before I Fall/ORF                          Wknd/$ 4.9      Total/$ 4.9
6. John Wick: Chapter Two/LG      Wknd/$ 4.7      Total/$ 82.9
7. Hidden Figures/Fox                      Wknd/$ 3.8      Total/$ 158.8
8. The Great Wall/Universal           Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 41.3
9. Fifty Shades Darker/Universal   Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 109.9
10. La La Land/LG                             Wknd/$ 3.0      Total/$ 145.7

A BLOODY GOOD FINISH
Logan opens at number one and third time’s the charm apparently. In their third outing they finally made a good solo Wolverine movie. No, it’s not the best superhero movie ever made (that still belongs to Iron Man for me) and it’s not even the best X-Men film (that still belongs to X2 for me), but it’s pretty damn good. Wisely dumping pretty much every goddamn thing about the Old Man Logan story from the comics (imagine if Wolverine were made only for angry, sexless, 15-year-old boys and you’ll have an idea of how bad that nonetheless successful series was) they’ve finally learned to follow the Marvel/Disney example and not make a “superhero” movie, but just a movie and plop a superhero into it. Iron Man, Thor and Doctor Strange were all the same movie about the narcissist who discovers the world around him aka, the best movies Tom Cruise and Richard Gere ever made. Captain America is a WWII movie and Captain America: The Winter Soldier is a 70’s spy movie. Guardians of the Galaxy is every movie about a ragtag group of misfits coming together. And Logan is a road movie about two people at the end their days a meager shadow of their former selves who find themselves called to get it together one more time for the sake of a younger person. You’ve seen it a dozen times before only this time you see it with superpowers. Professor X is now a danger to all those around him because his mental powers have been short-circuited by ALS and Alzheimer’s. Wolverine no longer heals the way he use to and is slowly dying for reasons that seem mysterious, but are obvious when you think about it. Into their laps falls a little girl with all Wolverine’s powers and abilities and hot on her heels is an evil corporation (redundant) willing to kill anyone and everyone to get her back. I feel bad for Hugh Jackman in that only in his last outing as Wolverine does he get the film his commitment deserves (he stayed in Wolverine shape for a year waiting for director Darren Aronofsky to get his shit together for what would have been the second Wolverine movie). He’s never been bad in the role, but didn’t always get the material to support him, least of all the god-awful The Wolverine, which ironically had the same creative team. What’s the difference? Deadpool. Deadpool proved you could make the R-rated film Wolverine deserved and make a dollar. I mean, it’s about a guy with razor sharp claws who is prone to homicidal rages. How can you do this honestly without blood and body parts on the ground? You can’t and the comics never shied away from it and in fact his learning not slaughter people was part of the character’s evolution, but what you can do in an all-ages comics oddly becomes an R-rated movie. Blood and darkness isn’t the reason why Logan is good but let’s not kid ourselves in that this will be the only takeaways for future superhero movies, so get ready for a lot of awful superhero crap filled with boobs, blood and cursing.

HOW ABOUT I JUST STAY OUT?
Get Out is down to number two and sorry, I don’t care how universally great the reviews are, I. Will. Never. See. This. I got anxiety just watching the trailer. I don’t do the scary to begin with, so do you really think I’m going to do the scary in a way that relates to me directly!?! The fucker is even a photographer in New York. Oh, hell no! But I’ll glad for everyone involved. Sorry I can’t help.

JESUS-Y IS TOO A WORD!
The Shack is opens at number three and this is some kind of Jesus-y thing and while I understand Sam Worthington has no choice but to be in shit like this—having been replaced as the Charisma-Free-Australian in movies by Jai Courtney—it’s sad Octavia Spencer found herself in this post-Oscar, pre-Hidden Figures.

NOW WHEN I SAY “I LOVE DICK” WHAT I MEAN IS…
The Lego Batman Movie is down to number four and the mixed blessing for this has come down in director Chris McKay doing a Nightwing movie. For those of you with actual lives and social skills, Nightwing is the identity Dick Grayson adopts after growing up and leaving Batman behind. There’s even a joking reference to it in this movie. It’s good because it’s Chris McKay who is a talented director. It’s bad because DC Comics and Warner Brothers have yet to make a superhero movie that doesn’t suck salty sweaty balls (Chris Nolan made his Batman movies before the official DC/WB unit was created to oversee these films) and the small blessing of no Dick Grayson or Robin in these movies is that they can’t fuck up Dick Grayson or Robin in these movies. It seems that time is over. Sigh.

BY THE WAY: YOU’RE OLD!
Before I Fall opens at number five and this is the latest Young Adult Novel Science Fiction/Fantasy adaptation. This time a teenager has to deal with the “stuck in a repeating day” situation endured by everyone from Bill Murray in Groundhog Day to David Duchovny on the X-Files. The only notable thing about it for an “old” like me is that it stars Zoey Deutch aka daughter of Lea Thompson aka Michael J. Fox’s mom in Back To The Future and also one of the stars of Some Kind of Wonderful (which was directed by dad, Howard Deutch). Like her mom in the latter film she plays a girl who’s a member of the beautiful people clique and there’s even a jerk boyfriend and shy guy who crushes on her. Some sf/fantasy elements would have helped Some Kind of Wonderful, honestly.

TESTING THE KINSEY SCALE WITH EVERY APPEARANCE
John Wick Chapter Two is down to number six and also in this is Ruby Rose who may or may not be playing a dude. The character is mute and no gender is specified, which lends to my theory that she’s here to make everyone question their sexuality. If you’re a straight dude or gay woman you’re wondering why you’re attracted to this boy. If you’re a straight woman or gay dude you’re wondering why you’re attracted to this girl. She’s fucking with all of us! And this is her second action movie this year. She was a sniper in XXX: The Return of Xander Cage. So it’s one step back and one step forward in ’17 for her.

A GOOD INTENTION THAT DOESN’T HELP PAVE THE ROAD TO HELL
Hidden Figures is down to number seven and I finally did my duty as a Black person and saw it! It’s good, not great. Very much a high production TV movie, because in the end all the bigoted White people come around to respect and admire the hard-working capable Black people. And the director even admitted it was to give the White audience something. Now it will go on forever, required viewing for both Black History Month and Women’s History Month in classrooms all over the country.

YUAN GON’ GET NO MONEY FROM THIS
The Great Wall is down to number eight and honestly I have no issue with the idea of an outsider coming in to help with a fight so long as he isn’t the “savior” of the people who’ve been fighting it all this time. At least not without good reason, you know like some advanced technology or strategy, but the Chinese invented fucking gunpowder and The Art of War so what the fuck could Matt Damon really do for them!?! And this isn’t the first big budget movie that throws Western actors (aka White actors) into a period piece in an attempt to get both Chinese and American audiences. Nicholas Cage has been in one (no surprise) and so has John Cusack (and his had Jackie Chan in it)! This is their first attempt with an A-list star, but it fared no better. File under “Great Mistakes Made In The Naked Pursuit of International Money.”

HIS PERSONAL HELL CONTINUES
Fifty Shades Darker is down to number nine and this doubled its budget domestically and made 6x worldwide, so if you think they’re not going to finish out the trilogy, keep dreaming, Jamie Dornan.

THE NOT WINNER OF BEST PICTURE
Finally, La La Land closes out the Top Ten at number ten so it can continue onto home video and maybe, just maybe I’ll catch it on cable one day. And have you noticed the way to succeed in Hollywood is not to be in a successful comic book movie franchise, but in a disappointing one? Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone were in the Spider-Man reboot and now she’s got an Oscar while he got a nomination. Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller were in the Fantastic Four reboot and were also in critically praised Oscar-nominated movies. Meanwhile, The Chrises Hemsworth and Evans keep trying big and small for respect and come up empty. If it makes you feel better, boys, you’re taller and prettier than they are. Including Emma Stone.

ALSO VISIT

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTO

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NEXT TIME IT’LL BE JUST “WOLV”

28 Jul

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 1. The Wolverine/Fox                                Wknd/$  55.0            Total/$  55.0

 2. The Conjuring/WB                                Wknd/$  22.1            Total/$  83.9

 3. Despicable Me 2/Universal                   Wknd/$  16.0            Total/$ 306.4

 4. Turbo/Fox                                               Wknd/$  13.3            Total/$  55.8

 5. Grown Ups 2/Sony                                 Wknd/$  11.5             Total/$ 101.7

 6. Red 2/LG                                                 Wknd/$    9.4            Total/$  35.1

 7. Pacific Rim/Warners                              Wknd/$    7.5            Total/$  84.0

 9. R.I.P.D./Universal                                  Wknd/$    5.9            Total/$  24.4

 8. The Heat/Fox                                          Wknd/$    6.9            Total/$ 141.2

10. Fruitvale Station/Weinstein                 Wknd/$    4.7            Total/$    6.3

 

NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE BEST AT WHAT HE DOES, THOUGH WHAT HE DOES BEST ISN’T VERY NICE…AND THAT’S FAIL

Opening at number one, yet still a disappointment is The Wolverine, as if somehow shortening the name was going to make it better. Yes, it’s better than X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but that’s like saying it’s better when your dog leaves solid poop on your carpet rather than runny poop. It’s still poop on your carpet and this is still a bad movie in the theater. Wolverine first became a runaway success in the 80’s with the success of a four issue comic book mini-series wherein he leaves the X-Men for awhile to go to Japan to help the woman he loves who just happens to be a Yakuza (Japanese mob) princess and gets caught up in a mob war.  It was so successful not only did he get his own solo book and become one of Marvel Comics’ biggest stars, but also they never stopped writing “Wolverine in Japan” stories trying to recapture it.  At the heart of the original story was that spiritually Wolverine was very “Japanese” (a character flat out says it on page 8) in that he had the soul of a samurai warrior and found a certain amount of peace there where he didn’t elsewhere.  He spoke fluent Japanese and was immersed in its culture and customs. Well, none of that is here. It begins with Wolverine mentally tortured by having had to kill Jean Grey in the last X-Men and that you’d even acknowledge that piece of crap is your first mistake. But it does add to the basic premise that he’s tired of living and burying people that he loves—except that it’s well documented that he can’t remember his past so how does he know? Well suddenly he can remember that he was in World War II and saved the life of a Japanese solider at Nagasaki. This soldier went on to create the equivalent to Sony and is now dying of cancer (rather than say the fact he’s in his freaking 90’s). He offers to make Wolverine mortal to repay him.  So you can imagine what happens next, right? Wolverine mulls it over, accepts, and lives a life of peace for a little while before realizing that to save the lives of the people he loves he has to take back his curse. Nope. He turns him down and that’s the end of that interesting premise. Seriously. After that it’s just dumb things that never stop happening climaxing in the appearance of giant robot, which is always, always stupid. Let me put it this way: when the most sympathetic character is a guy trying to murder his own daughter, your story has gone horrible wrong.  I personally knew it was over when the first five minutes felt compelled to show a CGI bear urinating.  No, I’m not kidding.  It immediately shows you the maturity level of the storytelling and all the rest is just academic.

 

THE JAMIE LEE CURTIS OF THE 21ST CENTURY IS A DUDE!

The Conjuring is down to number two and from a $20M budget has made $96M worldwide. Everybody’s getting cheese on their whoppers!  Also in this is Patrick Wilson who is starting to make a career out of these low-risk, high return horror films as he was also in last year’s Insidious, which has a sequel coming later this year.  Given he comes from Broadway he brings a nice gravity to whatever he does, serving to legitimize it despite the many obstacles of bad writing and poor direction. He proved that by being the highlight of The A-Team movie a few years ago as the obnoxious CIA Agent that sets the plot in motion.  It helped that he seemed to realize it was a comedy and played it just that way.

 

THE SCHADENFREUDE IS STRONG IN ME

Despicable Me 2 is down to number three followed by Turbo at number four and the irony of this one-two punch of success and failure from Dreamworks is staggering.  Well, not for you or me, but for Netflix, which is locked into a deal with Dreamworks to make a Turbo cartoon.  Oops.  Note that there’s no Despicable Me cartoon. Or even one about The Minions which is actually the only thing worth watching in a Despicable Me movie.  Someone’s lawyers are going to be burning the midnight oil (of billable hours) looking for a way out of this.  Heh-heh-heh.

 

YOU KNOW HIGH SCHOOL WAS ANNOYING FOR HIM WITH THAT NAME

Grown Ups 2 is down to number five followed by Red 2 at number six and part of the reason I was looking forward to this was that a) Brian Cox who was the best part of the first was returning and b) Anthony Hopkins was in it. For those of you who don’t know, Brian Cox first brought Hannibal Lecter to life onscreen in Manhunter, which was based on the novel Red Dragon. After the success of Silence of the Lambs where Hopkins won an Oscar for his portrayal of Hannibal Lecter he went on to do it twice more in Hannibal and yes, Red Dragon. Both Hannibal Lecters in one movie. Awesome.  Or not. They don’t even exchange words in this film. Now I wasn’t looking for some horrible joke about eating liver with fava beans and Chianti, but what’s the point in having great actors together in a movie if you’re not going to put them together? It would be like if Robert DeNiro was in that dumb heist movie with Marlon Brando and they never met.  I haven’t been this disappointed since Renton (Ewan McGregor) and Spud (Ewen Bremer) were in Jack The Giant Killer and didn’t share a scene.

 

GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT, DUDE

Pacific Rim is down to number seven and also in this is Idris Elba the man who should be pushing Denzel Washington into retirement (remember: Hollywood can only handle one minority lead at a time), but he keeps making less-than-wise screen choices like this one…and whatever the hell that movie was he did with Beyonce where he shaved.  Not that it isn’t enjoyable, but he’s not really the star of it, good or bad and to be a star you need starring roles.  Yeah, Luther is in its third season on the BBC and he’s the star of that, but being the star of a BBC series isn’t even like being a big fish in small pond. It’s like being a special fish in a specialty aquarium store, while guys like Denzel Washington are blue whales.

 

IT’S ONLY FEMINIST TO WANT MORE MONEY

The Heat is down to number eight and Sandra Bullock says she can’t imagine making a sequel to this…even though she made two awful Miss Congeniality movies.  Clearly the check Paramount sent to her home wasn’t big enough.  But you know what? I’m down with her thinly veiled suggestion that it’s going to take a buttload of money for a sequel.  It the mint has to work overtime to provide Disney with enough money pay Robert Downey Jr. to come back as Iron Man, she deserves her payday too.

 

SOMEWHERE COLIN FARRELL NODS WITH UNDERSTANDING

R.I.P.D. is down to number nine and yes, I’m still laughing at yet another Ryan Reynolds flop.  He couldn’t be having more career disappointment if he’d been on the cover of Vanity Fair as the next big thing. What’s funny is that when he was on the cover it was with Jake Gyllenhaal, another “It Boy” whose career hasn’t quite taken off either. Next to them is James Franco who has big mainstream hits he could clearly give a crap about and smaller hits he loves. Wait. Am I laughing again?

 

OH, BY THE WAY: SUPERMAN’S NOT EVEN HUMAN

Finally, entering the top ten is Fruitvale Station and there’s been buzz about this since it was on the film festival circuit and apparently it lives up to the hype.  It’s gonna take some effort for me to see because a) it’s summer and I like to keep it light and b) I’m really not looking forward to being reminded that the difference between life and death for can be whether or not someone is afraid of me.  Whoa. That’s kind of a bummer note to end on. Okay, let’s lighten it up. The star of this is Michael B. Jordan who clearly had to be forced by SAG to use his middle initial because like poor Vanessa L. Williams who had her SAG card first!  He’s been mentioned as being Johnny Storm in the Fantastic Four reboot and that has geeks in a tizzy, not that they’re racist or anything.  They’re just concerned about accuracy…in the character of a flying man on fire. Note how they didn’t care when Jessica Alba was squeezing her Latina curves into a tight blue outfit. So I guess it’s just their genitals which are color blind.  Figures, only having one eye and all.  Yeah, I went there.