Tag Archives: The Purge: Anarchy

CHICKS RULE!

27 Jul

susan-sarandon 1. Lucy/Universal                                              Wknd/$ 44.0   Total/$ 44.0
2. Hercules/Paramount                                    Wknd/$ 29.0   Total/$ 29.0
3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox          Wknd/$ 16.4    Total/$ 172.1
4. The Purge: Anarchy/Universal                   Wknd/$ 9.9      Total/$ 51.3
5. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                     Wknd/$ 9.3      Total/$ 35.1
6. Sex Tape/Sony                                               Wknd/$ 6.0      Total/$ 26.9
7. Transformers 4/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 236.4
8. And So It Goes/CE                                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 4.6
9. Tammy/Warner                                             Wknd/$ 3.4      Total/$ 78.1
10. A Most Wanted Man/RA                           Wknd/$ 2.7       Total/$ 2.7

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DOLLARS…
Lucy opens at number one and this is the latest from Luc Besson who is no stranger to badass female action movies. His first big hit was the original La Femme Nikita, which made such an impact that they’re still remaking it almost 25 years later. He was also behind his then wife’s (Mila Jovovich) entry into the action world with The Fifth Element. He’s also the name in action films in Europe as the producer behind everything from The Transporter to Taken to B13 (which was remade as Brick Mansions here with him still on as a producer) to Kiss The Dragon. In addition he wrote Bandidas with Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz as well as Colombiana. Now that you know the scope of his power and influence, you understand why his movies seem to be getting worse with time. There’s simply no one who can tell him “No.” That his wife is the producer doesn’t help. The idea of Lucy is great: a woman forced to be a drug mule develops superhuman powers when the bag inside her bursts and the new drug floods her system. The downside is they’re also killing her at the same time so she needs more of it to survive and keep growing. Unfortunately the film begins to fumble almost immediately with hamfisted intercutting of a gazelle being pursued by cheetahs with Lucy being caught by the drug dealers. You know, just in case you didn’t get it. While it mercifully never returns the film just finds other ways to fail. Starting with Lucy walking around with a gun in full view in a hospital with no one noticing. Bear in mind, she’s already twice as smart as a normal human now, to the point she can heal herself and read a scan of a man’s brain to determine if his tumor will kill him, but it never occurs to her to try and hide the gun. Also, when she returns to the ruthless drug dealer’s home to get information about the other mules, she kills all his henchmen, but not him. Why not? Because if she does, he won’t be able to chase her across the globe and shoot up Paris, that’s why. And why is she after them in the first place? If the drug is created in Taiwan, why not simply go to the source and get an endless supply? Smart question for a stupid, stupid movie. They even introduce her concern of her fading humanity…never to broach it again, even as she’s causing no end of damage and most likely civilian casualties speeding through Paris. The film doubles down on the ineptitude by having the cop with her also have no concern for his fellow officer or civilians she’s hurting. Bear in mind she insists he come with her so she can remember what it means to be human. Clearly she picked the wrong dude. Ironically, it’s a bit sad that a crummy action movie with a female lead can do just as well as a crummy action movie with a dude. But it does means Hollywood is all out of excuses not to make more. Hopefully not so crummy.

SOMEWHERE KEVIN SORBO IS LAUGHING
Opening at number two—which is quite frankly too good for it—is Hercules from the painfully untalented director, Brett Ratner. Seriously, you people have a lot to answer for having made him successful with those awful Rush Hour movies. Why do I know this sucks beyond the obvious reasons even though I didn’t see it? There are no labors. Seriously. All the commercials and previews you’ve seen with the Hydra, Neiman Lion and the Boar? All happen in the first five minutes as part of a story his nephew is telling to promote Hercules. He’s not the son of Zeus. He’s just some guy with a good PR man. Seriously. How on earth did this even get made!?! How did it leave the first meeting when the basic premise is, “He’s not the superhero of myth and he’s not going to do the very things which are the only reason we even know his name today.” How!?! And in case you were wondering why The Rock’s career never really took off you have your answer. He saw this script and thought it was a good idea. Just like all the other clearly-obvious-to-anyone-else awful movies he’s done. Yes, he’s still found a measure of success, but did not become the heir to Schwarzenegger that even the man himself thought would happen (did you miss Arnold’s cameo in The Rundown?). This is why. All the personal charm in the world cannot overcome these horrible, horrible choices. Which have just led to his ass being kicked by a 5-foot-blonde.

SHE’S A WONDER
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number three and also in this is Keri Russell and to keep our theme of female action heroes going, she was the voice of Wonder Woman in the direct-to-video film a few years back. You should really check it out. It’s not perfect, but no worse than most theatrically released superhero movies. And definitely better than freaking Lucy.

LIKE GIVING DIAMONDS TO AN APE
The Purge: Anarchy is down to number four, followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue at number five and Sex Tape down to number six and also wasted in this is Rob Corddry. How do you waste Rob Corddry as a wacky neighbor with a sociopath kid? They found a way.

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?
Transformers: Age of Extinction is down to number seven with And So It Goes opening at number eight and honestly if I’d known this opened this weekend I might have seen it, but I saw not one single commercial for it. No wonder Michael Douglas was so hot to get into a superhero movie if this is how he’s being treated these days. The man’s got Oscars on both sides of the camera and was once a license to print money. His leading lady is none other than Diane fucking Keaton. Rob Reiner who directed The Princess Bride is the director. Show some respect and promote this damn thing! No matter how much it probably sucks.

SEXY PEOPLE DOING THE SEXY
Tammy is down to number nine and also in this is Susan Sarandon who just admitted she hooked up with David Bowie when they were making The Hunger. That’s the kind of celebrity hook up that just makes you smile. Good for both of them!

AND A MARTINI, SHAKEN. NOT STIRRED.
A Most Wanted Man opens at number ten and this is Philip Seymour Hoffman’s final film in a leading role (which suggests there may still be other films yet to be released). It’s based on a John le Carre novel, which means it’s about real spies in the real world, which means I have no interest in it. Give me babes, quips and invisible cars, thank you very much.

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ROB LOWE’S ACTUAL SEX TAPE WAS FUNNIER

21 Jul

<> on November 12, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.

1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox          Wknd/$ 36.0     Total/$ 139.0
2. The Purge: Anarchy/Universal                  Wknd/$ 28.4     Total/$ 28.4
3. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                    Wknd/$ 18.0     Total/$ 18.0
4. Sex Tape/Sony                                               Wknd/$ 15.0     Total/$ 15.0
5. Transformers 4/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 10.0     Total/$ 227.2
6. Tammy/Warner                                             Wknd/$ 7.6       Total/$ 71.3
7. 22 Jump Street/Sony                                    Wknd/$ 4.7       Total/$ 180.5
8. How To Train Your Dragon 2/Fox            Wknd/$ 3.8       Total/$ 160.7
9. Maleficent/Disney                                        Wknd/$ 3.3       Total/$ 228.4
10. Earth to Echo/Relativity                           Wknd/$ 3.3        Total/$ 32.0

WILL SMITH COULD HAVE SAVED US FROM THE MONKEYS
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes holds on for a second week confirming this has been a very disappointing summer. I refuse to believe it’s just me being picky (though I clearly am). This summer kinda blows. I mean, no big Pixar or other animated movie (last year as Monsters University and Despicable Me 2); only one big superhero movie (last year was Iron Man 3, Man of Steel and The Wolverine) and not even a Will Smith movie? Are you kidding me!?! Yeah, Tom Cruise had his yearly release, but it oddly feels like everyone else took this summer off (last year he had company with Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Bruce Willis, Denzel Washington and Vin Diesel) so lesser lights like this thing can shine.

THE ILLUSION OF INTELLIGENT THOUGHT
The Purge: Anarchy opens at number two and this is a sequel to one of the surprise hits of last summer, mainly because it was the rare low budget suspense success that wasn’t a freaking found footage film. Though it pretended to border on satire, the very premise failed for me because if it were true the government would basically use this one day a year to kill all its enemies. Likewise, the police. There wouldn’t be criminals any longer because once a year they’d be wiped out and fear of being labeled a criminal would keep people in line. It’d basically be America as a fascist state. Well, supposedly this film explores that a bit basically showing how “the purge” is really about the rich killing the poor, but it’s too little too late for me. I’m clearly alone in this as this cost as little as its predecessor and made 3x budget the opening weekend, so expect The Purge 3 at a theater near you next summer.

IF FROZEN & WRECK IT RALPH WERE TWO STEP FORWARDS, HERE’S YOUR ONE STEP BACK
Planes: Fire & Rescue opens at number three and I cannot remember a more confusing ad campaign for a children’s movie. One was your usual generic silliness while the other treated this film as if it were about actual an actual fire & rescue unit. Um, okay. If you doubt this is crap just know that animated films usually take years to make, even computer generated ones. The first Planes came out August last year, so you know this was slapped together as quickly as a computer could render it. Once upon a time this would be the kind of thing Disney sent straight to video like its other sequels (Mulan 2 and 3 anyone?) but I guess recent successes have them feeling cocky. And my opinion of this remains the same as last year: if you want me to like your movie then why the hell is Dane Cook in it? Even as a voice I cannot bear the thought of him and it pains me that this is helping to keep his career alive.

REAL SEX TAPES ARE FUNNIER
Sex Tape opens at number four and rarely does “underwhelming” so describe a film. All the pieces of a decent comedy are there. You’ve got your basic set of “normal people” who get thrown into a crazy situation the moment they try to do something adventurous. In this case it’s a nice suburban couple who try to recapture the heat of their earlier days by making a sex tape, then forgetting that they have an auto-sync system on their computer that uploads it to the cloud then downloads it to anyone they’ve given an iPad to. Other elements are their children, one of whom is turning into a smartass while the younger daughter is having existentialist thoughts. You have bored neighbors who are dying to be part of they wacky scheme to get the iPads back; a seemingly family-friendly CEO who does coke and listen to gangsta rap and heavy metal the second his family goes away and the kid of the wacky neighbors who is a budding sociopath. Top it off with an R-rating and you have to be supremely sad not to make this into something worth watching. They are supremely sad. This thing just never gets into gear because they are seemingly afraid of their own raunchy premise. Nothing sums this up better than Cameron Diaz unwilling to be topless. Now Jason Segel has proven he’s willing to go all out when he showed his junk in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but Cameron Diaz is in a movie called “Sex Tape” showing a little “A” (very little to be honest about it) and no “T.” All the times they painfully block any shots of her breasts when she’s supposed to be naked you’re reminded how this movie likewise won’t go where it needs to go. They don’t even honestly deal with why they’re in a rut, which seems to be her frustration at not being able to work, which is mirrored by his resentment at being the breadwinner. Like Cameron Diaz’s breasts they dance around it but never give you anything. It makes perfect sense the funniest part of the movie is Jack Black running down a list of porn site in rapid succession, because that’s the type of fearless vulgarity that was needed all along.

I GUESS TODAY IT’S BEING “A HEMMSWORTH”
Transformers: Age of Extinction is down to number five and you gotta give Mark Walberg points for how wisely he manages his career. This and Ted may not be art, but they keep him on the A-list where he’s been since Clueless. The joke about him being a desirable celebrity (“We may get Marky Mark to plant a tree”) is as valid now as it was almost 20 years ago. Unlike the joke about being “a Baldwin” synonymous with male desirability. The only one still in the public eye is Alec who’s easily 30-4 pounds heavier, which makes him indistinguishable from Daniel. Wherefore art thou Billy? And Stephen was just riding the wave anyway.

EARN LIKE A MAN
Tammy is down to number six and it appears I wasn’t the only person who noticed that this was in fact a very successful movie despite what other people would have you believe. It’s up to $71M from a $20M budget and that’s all domestic loot, baby, which is the kind that really matters. Apparently the idea that a talented woman could churn out subpar crap just like a man (see above paragraph) and still make money off it was bothersome to some.

HOW DARE YOU NOT SHAMELESSLY MILK EVERY DIME FROM EVERYTHING!?!
22 Jump Street is down to number five, followed by How To Train Your Dragon 2 at number eight and Maleficent at number nine and given that the two princesses from Frozen are going to turn up on ABC/Disney’s Once Upon A Time show because that film was so major, you have to wonder why isn’t Maleficent suffering the same fate? It would seem an obviously ploy by the “Never Shy To A Money-Making Ploy” Disney. They could get that girl who looks like Megan Fox, ‘cause Megan Fox kinda looks like Angelina Jolie. Whatshername? The only one who still has to do TV…Oddette Yustman! Damn, girl. You’re the reason people take stage names.

NOT ECHOING SUCCESS THAT’S FOR SURE
Finally, Earth to Echo closes out the top ten at number ten and somewhere Steven Spielberg has a drink and laughs.

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