Tag Archives: The Hangover

NOT JUST BLAND. DREAMWORKS BLAND.

29 Mar

common_teaser
1. Home/Fox                                                           Wknd/$ 54.0 Total/$ 54.0
2. Get Hard/WB                                                     Wknd/$ 34.6 Total/$ 34.6
3. The Divergent Series: Insurgent                    Wknd/$ 22.1 Total/$ 86.4
4. Cinderella/Disney                                             Wknd/$ 17.5 Total/$ 150.0
5. It Follows/RTWC                                              Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 4.8
6. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox               Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 119.4
7. Run All Night/WB                                             Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 23.8
8. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel             Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 28.1
9. Do You Believe/PFR                                         Wknd/$ 2.2 Total/$ 7.1
10. The Gunman/ORF                                           Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 8.8

THOUGH MADAGASCAR 3 IS TRULY AWESOME
Home opens at number one and the ad campaign for this was so utterly bland you knew it was a Dreamworks film. When every joke beats you over the head and the stars behind the voices are shoved down your throat, you know it’s definitely not Pixar. Seriously, who the fuck are you people who make a decision on whether or not to see an animated movie based on who does the voices!?! “Oh, I wasn’t going to see that until I heard that Brad Pitt was doing the voice.” What does it fucking matter!?! And seriously who the fuck sees Jim Parsons and wants to see anything!?! Oh, you tasteless fucking Big Bang Theory fans. You probably thought this was brilliant. Me, I couldn’t be bothered. The majority of DreamWorks animated films are barely adequate at best and boring and generic to the point of being offensive at worst. And no, Rhianna doing a voice is not going to change my mind.

YOUR PUN ABOUT THE TITLE HERE: ______
Get Hard opens at number two and the irony of Kevin Hart and Will Farrell working together isn’t lost on me given how I feel about them. They’re great in small doses. They both need a straight man so the two of them as leads is twice the film I never need to see in my lifetime. Hopefully this movie finally put Kevin Hart into a position financially where he doesn’t have a film coming out every other fucking week.

HE LOOKS LIKE A HUMAN HOUND DOG.
The Divergent Series: Insurgent is down to number three and basically every hot young star who wasn’t in The Hunger Games wound up here. I had no idea Miles Teller was in this and if you’ve read any of his interviews he kinda wishes he wasn’t. He’s hot from his indie film work of The Spectacular Now and Whiplash so he’s starting to look down his nose and big paycheck roles like this. Dude, you were in the fucking Footloose remake, not to mention Project X the teen Hangover movie which was actually from the director of The Hangover and 21 & Over which was from the writers of The Hangover. How these are better than an adaptation of a Young Adult novel is beyond me. Oh, and he’s in the Fantastic Four reboot. Yeah, you’re going for the blue chip roles, buddy. But my favorite thing about him is how In Style interviewed him and pointed out immediately that he wasn’t traditionally good looking and he clearly got a little pissed given he’s normally cast in the sidekick role to some guy who actually is traditionally good looking like lack Zac Efron in That Awkward Moment (another movie he seems to have forgotten he made to pay the bills). He’s also not the love interest dude here, which is ironic because the star, Shailene Woodley, was his love interest in The Spectacular Now. That’s gotta sting. Sorry, but it amuses me when dudes occasionally go through what women go through all the time.

SHE STARVED FOR MERCHANT IVORY. THAT WAS ENOUGH.
Cinderella is down to number four and also in this is Helena Bonham Carter and apparently she got used to that Disney money while she was with Tim Burton making crap like Alice in Wonderland. Though, honestly, their Sweeny Todd wasn’t bad.

NOPE. NOPE. NOPE.
It Follows enters the top ten at number five and I will never see this. Unlike 99% of what’s sold as scary, this looks as scary as hell. It’s also the effective metaphor for price paid for sex that other films only pretend to be. Basically, there’s a “thing” after you and the only way to get it off is to pass it to someone else through sex. However, if it catches that person and kills them, then it comes back to you. Also, no one else can see it but you and it can transform into anyone to get next to you. Fuck. Me. The trailer alone messed me up. Movies like this are why I don’t do the scary.

GETTIN’ BY ON HIS LOOKS
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number six, followed by Run All Night at number seven and also in this is Common and will someone please explain to me how he keeps getting work? He’s not a good actor and his rap career hasn’t been relevant for about a decade, so how is this happening? Basically he’s getting by on his looks. There’s just no other explanation. Producers think they’re getting a built-in audience (young people, black people) by casting someone from hip-hop, which isn’t exactly rich in attractiveness. Most of them look like Jay-Z or Lil’ Wayne, so the bar is pretty low. You can imagine how good Common appears in that line-up. Ironically, he’s the physical opposite of Miles Teller, but like him is successful for the reason women are every day. Oh, are you going to argue the reason you even know Olivia Wilde’s name with me now?

HE DOES HAVE MULTIPLE OSCARS AFTER ALL
The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is down to number eight, followed by Do You Believe at number nine and The Gunman closes out the top ten at number ten and in this are Ray Winstone, Javier Bardeem and Idris Elba, who clearly only did this because Penn was in it, because Elba barely is. Javier’s scenes take place only in Spain where he lives so for him it as an easy paycheck and he got to stay home with Penelope and the kids. Ray Winstone’s are primarily England it was also an easy gig. Oh, and the female lead. Italian actress, Jasmine Trinca, is twenty years younger than Sean Penn who also co-wrote and co-produced, so clearly it was no accident.

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DRIVE, THE STUDIO ACCOUNTANT SAID! DRIVE!

27 May

Alice-Eve-5

 1. Fast & Furious 6/Universal                Wknd/$ 122.0           Total/$122.0

 2. The Hangover Pt. III/Warners          Wknd/$  51.0            Total/$  63.0

 3. Star Trek Into Darkness/Par              Wknd/$  47.0            Total/$ 155.8

 4. Epic/Fox                                                 Wknd/$  42.6            Total/$   42.6

 5. Iron Man 3/Paramount                       Wknd/$  24.4            Total/$ 372.4

 6. The Great Gatsby/Warners                Wknd/$  17.0            Total/$ 117.7

 7. Mud/                                                        Wknd/$   2.4            Total/$  15.0

 8. The Croods/Fox                                     Wknd/$   1.6            Total/$ 179.6

 9. 42/ Warners                                            Wknd/$   1.6            Total/$  91.4

10. Oblivion/Universal                               Wknd/$    .8             Total/$  87.6

 

MAKING YOUR BRAIN GO SLOWER SO THE CARS SEEM FASTER

Fast & Furious 6 opens huge at number one to no one’s surprise. The only real surprise is how this has gone six films with not a single imitator in sight. Seriously. When something works, everyone tries to create one of their own while denying they’re doing just that (remember how many Black family sitcoms popped up win the wake of The Cosbys or how many comedians got surnamed sitcoms in the wake of Seinfeld or how many 60’s period dramas showed up after Mad Men), but no one is making movies about fast cars much less multi-ethnic ensembles and there’s the real key to the success of this franchise. Everyone gets to see themselves onscreen as one of the good guys and not just working for the white guy (I’m looking at you, Star Trek).  In fact, if you want to be technical, Paul Walker is a minority as pretty everyone else is of color and yes, that includes Vin “Yeah, My Dad Is Black, But Let’s Not Make A Thing Of It” Diesel and Dwayne “Yeah, I’m Part Black Too, But I Self Identity As Samoan” Johnson.  Now, given the first film was pretty much a remake of Point Break with cars, you shouldn’t come in looking to have your intelligence taxed. Why this gets a break and Star Trek doesn’t is that Star Trek didn’t start off as mind-numbingly dumb.  In fact, its goal was to make you think.  This never pretended to be and would honestly prefer that you didn’t, starting with The Rock needing to recruit Vin Diesel’s team to track down a para-military group of automotive hijackers who are stealing military equipment, because apparently no one in NATO can be bothered to do it, nor do they have the personnel. IN ALL OF NATO!  I’d bring up Interpol not having the people either but given the only two people in all of Interpol we ever see are Vin Diesel and Gina Carano—even when the Interpol headquarters in London is being attacked—I’d say it’s pretty clear they’ve got staffing issues.  What makes this series run, what’s always made it run is the chemistry between the cast members, with Vin Diesel as its low burn machismo center.  In fact, if you timed it out, there may be more screen time spent on the characters interacting than on the physics and logic defying action sequences.  Maybe that’s the reason why there have been no imitators. No one can believe anyone is basically paying to see people talk in front of pretty cars they occasionally drive…and destroy.

 

IF THERE ARE NO SMALL ROLES ONLY SMALL ACTORS, THEN WHY ARE SMALL ACTORS SO MAJORLY ANNOYING?

There’s a movie opening at number two that has the characters from The Hangover films, but doesn’t even remotely follow the basic hangover plot, so I’m wondering why it’s called The Hangover Part III.  I mean, I guess you could argue that given the plot relates to the first film so it’s a “hangover” from that storyline, but that’s a tad esoteric for a film series that counts monkeys and sex with she-males in Bangkok as sources for humor.  Aside from utterly abandoning its raison d’être it also makes the mistake of pushing secondary characters to the forefront.  Zach Galifinakis and Ken Jeong made a little go a long way in both films as Allan and Mr. Chow, but this film could almost be called Allan & Mr. Chow, but isn’t because no one would see that and there’s a reason why. What was funny for a second, is irritating for five minutes and this is 100 minutes of mostly irritation.  Not to mention if the series has had any star it’s been Ed Helms as Stu, but with no “hangover” we lose Stu’s slow meltdown trying to discover why he deformed himself.  He’s basically reduced to Zach Galifinakis’ straight man here which is a criminal waste.  It’s probably the first time Justin Bartha didn’t regret getting more screen time in one of these movies.  But there are two golden moments: a post credit sequence that should have been the start of the film and we get to watch Michael Epps die onscreen. That’s always worth paying for.

 

THIS AIN’T THE 50’S. YOU NEED MORE THAN A RACK AND AN ACCENT.

Star Trek Into Darkness is down to number three and it’s been fun watching JJ Abrams trying to squirm his way out of Alice Eve’s gratuitous underwear scene.  While the writer flat out apologized for it, Abrams tried to laugh it off by pointing out Kirk had his shirt off earlier and there was a deleted scene with Benedict Cumberbach in the shower.  Um, no.  First off all the operative word for the latter is “deleted” so it doesn’t count. Second, even in you had included it, like Kirk’s scene that was about him.  It said something about those characters. Alice Eve isn’t in her underwear making a statement about her character while being ogled by the camera. That said, she looks amazing, but how long before Hollywood gives up on trying to make Alice Eve into something?  She’s been in a lot of Big Summer Movies (Sex & The City 2, Men In Black 3) but none of it is leading to her as a star in her own right.  I smell a sitcom headed your way. Better grab it before the next large-breasted pretty girl with an accent shows up. Just ask Julia Ormond.

 

IT SAYS HERE ON YOUR RESUME THAT YOU MAKE CRAP CONSISTENTLY…

Epic opens at number four and as attracted as I was to the basic plot of this (young girl is shrunken to find a civilization of tiny people living in the forest) I was repelled by the words “From the creators of Ice Age.”  That’s like telling me the great looking cake in front of me was made by the guy who cleans the bathrooms with no gloves. I’m gonna have to take a pass.

 

I KNOW YOUR MOM SAID YOU WERE SPECIAL, BUT SHE LIED

Iron Man 3 is down to number five and they’re talking about Robert Downey Jr possibly not coming back as Iron Man. Well when you give a guy $50M (his backend from The Avengers), his impetus to work decreases immeasurably.  Some worry that no one else can play the role. Yeah, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig might have something to say about that.

 

THE OTHERS

The Great Gatsby is down to number six, followed by Mud actually rising to number seven while The Croods drops to number eight.

 

NO UGLY PEOPLE IN OUR FRANCHISE

42 is down to number nine and also in this is Lucas Black, who was also in The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift. Wonder how he feels this morning looking at the box office results. I mean the guy who died in that film went on to make three more, but he was the actual star of that movie and is nowhere to be seen. You know when he runs into Vin Diesel (or the actor who played the dead guy) at parties it’s an awkward situation.

 

GO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW

Finally, Oblivion closes out the top ten at number and with $120M budget, a worldwide return of $267M isn’t a flop but about $100M away from being in the black.  Needless to say, Mission Impossible 5 has been announced and don’t be surprised if there’s a Jack Reacher sequel as despite his horrible miscasting hat made over $200M worldwide from a $60M budget.  There’s still some juice left in Tom so long as you don’t spend too much squeezing it out.