Tag Archives: Russell Crowe

TODAY’S TOPIC IS AGING OUT…AGAIN

6 Jun

neighbors

 

  1. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles 2    Wknd/$   35.4     Total/$   35.3
  2. X-Men: Apocalypse/Fox                  Wknd/$   22.3     Total/$ 116.5
  3. Me Before You/Warner                     Wknd/$   18.3     Total/$   18.3
  4. Alice Through the Looking Glass  Wknd/$   10.7     Total/$   50.8
  5. The Angry Birds Movie/Sony          Wknd/$     9.8      Total/$     9.8
  6. Captain America: Civil War/BV      Wknd/$     7.6      Total/$ 388.9
  7. Neighbors 2/Universal                      Wknd/$     4.7      Total/$   48.6
  8. Popstar/Universal                               Wknd/$     4.6     Total/$    4.6
  9. The Jungle Book/Disney                    Wknd/$     4.2     Total/$ 347.5
  10. The Nice Guys/WB                              Wknd/$     3.5      Total/$   29.1

 

MONEY BETTER SPENT ON PIZZA. GET IT!?!

Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles: Out of the Shadows opens at number one and while this has gotten better reviews than its predecessor it’s still not going to get me in there. Life is short and the 93 minutes the first one took out of my life back in 1990 is still a personal regret to someone who has almost the second season of Jane the Virgin sitting unwatched on his DVR. But even then it was a stretch for me as I had “aged out” of the demographic for the TNMT. I never watched the cartoon and at best I liked the arcade game because at that time I was learning the bo staff at the time and one of them used it in the game. I am happy that Stephen Amell is getting his toe into the theatrical game though. Based on this disappointing 4th season, Arrow needs to think about its end game soon and he needs to be working on his next step.

 

X AIN’T GIVING IT TO YA

X-Men: Apocalypse is down to number two and speaking of disappointing superhero translations that I’d aged out of, the Apocalypse character and storyline happened after I’d left the X-Men comics as a kid because frankly it had gotten too damn depressing (Chris Claremont, the writer would later admit he was going through a bad patch so in turn inflicted it on the characters. Thanks, asshole.). This is especially disappointing given it’s Bryan Singer at the helm. He not only help set the standards of the modern day superhero film as something to be taken seriously, but directed the best X-Men film (X2) and undid the damage of X3 with X-Men: Days of Future Past (it literally wiped it out). So it’s surprising that this bland trainwreck came from him. The biggest problem is that it forgets what the X-Men are at their heart: a metaphor for discrimination. The X-Men are whatever minority or discriminated group you choose, but you will only find the barest remnants of that here. It’s a dull, thudding superhero film with lots of special effects and no heart or characters to care about. The very first X-Men movie still works because at its heart it’s about two diametrically opposed outsiders (Wolverine and Rogue) finding a home with others and each other. Nothing even approaching that exists here. It should have been Cyclops or Storm (who in this new history are being introduced to the X-Men for the first time) but the actors playing them are not stars and Jennifer Lawrence is, but they don’t know what to do with her character. Gone is the revolutionary who doesn’t think she should be obligated to look human and in her place is a superstar who doesn’t want to be painted blue every day supported by studio execs that don’t want their most famous star covered in blue. With Hugh Jackman leaving (speaking of aging out) she’s now the face of the franchise so simultaneously its biggest asset and its biggest problem. This makes four superhero films I’ve seen this year and still only one I really liked and it’s the character I know and care the least about: Deadpool.

 

YOU DON’T GET A MEDAL FOR LOVING SOMEONE LESS THAN PERFECT

Me Before You is that a subset of romantic drama the disabled/dying romantic drama wherein one partner is either disabled or dying and they other deals with or overcomes that in the name of love. Though when I think about it, it’s actually a subset of the oldest love story variation of all: the tragedy. Obviously there’s not going to be a cure for one and the person dies in the other. That’s the reason for “the drama.” Honestly, because I’m shallow it’s not one I care for. Give me warring families or disparate origins/classes, but someone permanently disabled or dying is just too depressing. I want a full-on happy goddamn ending, or at the very least one where both parties walk off their separate ways. And I mean “walk” literally. Yeah, I said it. What part of “shallow” didn’t you get? This is actually being trashed by some as some kind of “disabled romantic porn” because the person not disabled has to be so, so, so good to love that person who isn’t perfect. This was a criticism placed even on the novel. I would add to that the disabled person in question is, of course, rich so I’m gonna guess that when they die this person is rewarded for being able to love a disabled person with a ridiculous fortune. Yeah, there’s no reason to see this at all.

 

21 CHUMP STREET

Alice Through the Looking Glass is down to number four and this is seen as a flop simply because it opened at number two last week. I think that has more to do with the current tide of public opinion turning against Johnny Depp. Allow me to remind you I’ve been telling you for years he’s utterly full of shit. I didn’t need a domestic abuse charge like the rest of you fuckers. You should have hated him for doing the first one, much less a shitty sequel. But guess what? This has made $125m overseas and the fact that the first made a billion worldwide is the reason this exists to begin with so don’t be surprised if an overwhelming international success leads to a third chapter. I mean that fourth Pirates of the Caribbean wasn’t exactly huge domestically either, but was ridiculously huge overseas so they’re making a fifth. Which makes Amber Heard’s lawyers very, very happy. I have no sympathy for middle-aged men in the midst of a mid-life crisis who hook up with obvious golddiggers. Take everything, girl.

 

HELL, I’M PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW

The Angry Birds Movie is down to number five and I was oddly interested in this because I love the game and obviously any movie that has a character that hates everything and everyone appeals to me. But that doesn’t mean I’d spend a dime to see it. No, I’ll catch it on cable in a year or so. What’s surprising is the ridiculous amount of comedic talent on-hand. Jason Sudekis (who should never be a leading man, but a funny supporting actor, so please stop trying), Josh Gad, Bill Hader, Mya Rudolph, Peter Dinklage, Kate McKinnon, Tony Hale, Hannibal Buress and Keegan Michael Key. Hell, even Sean Penn is here and that simple fact may be the funniest thing about it as he has no sense of humor, which means he did his lines straight, probably making them funny as fuck. Yeah, I’m soooo watching this on cable on a Sunday afternoon.

 

AMERICA IS NEVER WRONG!

Captain America: Civil War is down to number six and I remain unchanged in disliking this. Captain America is wrong and unreasonable in this movie and Captain America should never be wrong or unreasonable.

 

PRETTY DIRTY

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is down to number seven and I have to say I totally respect how Zac Efron has decided to stop playing to his “look” of the clean cut pretty boy and go directly against and basically be the new king of R-rated slob comedies. Also joining him on his ascent to comedic royalty is Rose Byrne who is showing up in everything and stealing the show. I mean, or so I’ve heard. I hate Seth Rogen so much nothing anyone says can get me into a movie where he’s the star. Again, what part of “shallow” are you not getting? Which brings us back to the fact that pretty boy Efron is basically playing the roles that probably would go to Rogen.

 

SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AFTER 3 MINUTES

Popstar: Never Stop Stopping is the first Lonely Island movie and apparently the last as it opened at number eight. See, this is a great idea for a digital short on SNL or a supporting character in a movie, but it’s difficult to watch an entire movie about a complete asshole even when you’re supposed to be laughing at him. The guys in Spinal Tap weren’t brilliant, but they weren’t irredeemable assholes either.   I was tired of this whole concept before the trailer had finished.

 

A TALENTED GUY WHO’S AN ASSHOLE IS SADLY REDUNDANT

The Jungle Book is down to number nine with The Nice Guys closing out the top ten at number ten and this is the latest R-rated buddy movie from Shane Black. He’s like a less-depressing, funnier yet no less dismissive of women James Ellroy. Like Ellroy he tells dark stories about the seamier side of Los Angles that begin with a beautiful dead woman and the two guys determined to try and find some justice for her (this movie actually reunites Kim Basinger and Russell Crowe who were in the adaptation of Ellroy’s LA Confidential). Black is a good director and is on point with the foul-mouthed, funny dialogue, but his complete and utter hatred of women remains a problem. This is him at his least offensive (it’d be difficult to top the pure misogyny of The Last Boy Scout), but just so you know it’s him the only smart female is a child and it opens with a “joke” that involves a centerfold/porn star dying in the exact same pose as her centerfold. Get it!?! Why she’s naked in car crash is beyond me, but Black doesn’t care. He’s been opening with dead, naked women since Lethal Weapon (also a porn star) and he’s not stopping now. While this is a good movie I’m not sad it’s a bit of a flop because he’s got to be made stop that shit and so long as he doesn’t have a blockbuster hit that’s his and his alone (I could have directed Iron Man 3 and had a hit) he’ll always be under someone’s thumb which will ideally slow him down. Unfortunately, it’s Hollywood, so it’s not like that’s going to slow him down too much.

 VISIT:

ORIGINAL ANGRYGEEK.COM

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY.COM

Advertisements

THE SPRING CIVILIAN

6 Apr

gods

 

1. Captain America: The Winter Soldier            Wknd/$ 96.0            Total/$ 96.2

2. Noah/Paramount                                               Wknd/$ 17.0            Total/$ 72.3

3. Divergent/LGF                                                   Wknd/$ 13.0            Total/$ 114.3

4. God’s Not Dead/Free                                        Wknd/$   7.7             Total/$ 32.5

5. The Grand Budapest Hotel/Fox                     Wknd/$   6.3            Total/$ 33.4

6. Muppets Most Wanted/Disney                      Wknd/$   6.3            Total/$ 42.1

7. Mr. Peabody & Sherman/Fox                         Wknd/$   5.3            Total/$ 102.2

8. Sabotage/ORF                                                   Wknd/$   1.9             Total/$   8.8

9. Need for Speed/Touchstone                           Wknd/$   1.8            Total/$ 40.8

10. Non-Stop/Universal                                       Wknd/$   1.8            Total/$ 88.1

 

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Buckle up for this one, kids, because Captain America: The Winter Soldier opened at number one and Cap is a character near and dear to my heart, so I’ve got a few things to say about it. First of all, take all the great things you’ve heard and bring it down a notch. It’s not bad but it is definitely not amazing and is only just a tad smarter than your average dumb action movie. And even while its attempt for relevancy by having the debate over a surveillance state at the center of the film isn’t totally bungled, the rationalization for evil acts the for greater were argued better at the end of Good Guys Wear Black with Chuck Norris. I think that says it all when you’re not as smart as a Chuck Norris flick. The Winter Solider is one of most famous and successful storylines of the Captain America comic, but the only thing this really has in common with it is the use of the titular character, The Winter Solider (whose identity is probably known by now, but just in case I’m not going to spoil it). In the comic, The Winter Soldier is an infamous assassin used by The Red Skull as he tries to take over America from within by sowing discord and putting forth a puppet candidate for president to take advantage of it. This movie is about Captain America discovering the omnipresent SHIELD isn’t what he thought it was and the Winter Soldier plays a part in this, starting with him trying to kill Nick Fury. One of the issues he faces is a secret plan to basically monitor the world and possibly kill people just for being a potential threat. Needless to say, he’s got a problem with this, but the debates about this are laughable in their lack of any real communication or exchange of viewpoints (Samuel L. Jackson sounds so bored you half expect to see a book in his hands). It’s just “This is bad” followed by “Well, you did bad stuff too.” No one is capable of seeing the advantages of something they don’t like but still convincingly argue their points. You really shouldn’t go into the deep water if you can’t swim, guys. You’d think the first thing Nick Fury would say to Cap would be “What if someone had taken Hitler out at the beginning?” But he can’t because that would required acknowledging the horrible things Hitler did, meaning The Holocaust and like the first one this refuses to do just that, no matter how often they reference Nazi Germany. On the upside, they maintain the Marvel standard of having a solid sense of humor, much of it at the expense of Captain America (the first line from The Black Widow when she shows up to pick up Cap is “Can you tell me the way to The Smithsonian? I’m looking for a fossil.”) Also the action scenes are good, especially the hand-to-and fighting, though it comes off a little unfair, because Captain America in the movies has super-speed and strength, which he doesn’t in the comics. Until he takes on the Winter Soldier who has a robot arm, it’s not really a fair fight as he beats up guys who stand no chance against him. Overall it’s still one of the better Marvel movies and does a much better job of conveying that Captain America is just one of those people who instantly inspires confidence and leadership than the first. But remember its competition consists of the “not bad” Thor movies, the “not awful” Incredible Hulk, a surprisingly lackluster Avengers, two good Iron Man movies and one godawful one.

 

MY KID COULD BEAT YOUR KID

Noah is down to number two and speaking of superheroes this contains a triumvirate of onscreen superhero dads in Russell Crowe, Anthony Hopkins and Nick Nolte who were the fathers of Superman, Thor and The Incredible Hulk, respectively. Do you think they talked about what constituted an easy paycheck? Anthony Hopkins wins because he still picks up one every few years, while the other two died onscreen so it was a one time deal.

 

WAKE UP MAGGIE, I THINK I’VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU…

Divergent is down to number three and also in this is Maggie Q which reminds me that I still need to watch the final two seasons of Nikita. Or do I? Maybe it says something that I never went back? Then again I’ve got all of The Good Wife on my DVR and I know I like that. Am I really too lazy to watch TV? But back to Maggie Q. I don’t know anything about her character here or whether or not she’ll be in the sequels, but she needed to be in a hit. She comes from Hong Kong action movie like Michelle Yeoh, but like Michele Yeoh found out quickly the only roles really available in Hollywood are “hot good Asian female” or “hot bad Asian female” (which she played in Live Free or Die Hard). Michelle Yeoh just went home where she could still be a star and even produce her own stuff. Maybe Maggie will do a little better…but I doubt it.

 

IT’S NOT LIKE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW IT ENDS

God is Dead actually rises to number four, which is impressive. I guess not doing a “period” religious movie is what these people want more that simply seeing Jesus die for them…again.

 

THEY’RE ALSO USUALLY UGLY

The Grand Budapest Hotel rises to number four and you know why? Because it was all your pretentious, pseudo-intellectual friends going so they could feel superior all the people who went to see Captain America because they’d never deign to see “a comic book movie.” Basically they’re all that asshole in Annie Hall in the movie line.

 

TELL ME HOW THAT MAKES YOU FEEL…OR I WILL CRUSH YOU!

Muppets Most Wanted is down to number six followed by Mr. Peabody & Sherman at number seven and because it’s all geek references this week, Ty Burrell who is in both was in The Incredible Hulk as Dr. Samson who in the comics gets infused with The Hulk’s blood and becomes the world’s most powerful…psychiatrist. You think I’m kidding. I am not.

 

YOU KNOW IT’S WHAT I THINK THAT REALLY MATTERS, RIGHT?

Sabotage is down to number eight and given this is the worst opening of an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie since he became a star you’d think he’d be banging on the doors at Disney and Fox and Sony trying to get into a comic book movie as he’s basically been an onscreen comic book character in everything he’s ever done (Conan was a pulp novel before he was a comic book character so he doesn’t count). Also in this is Joe Manganiello who looks like a comic book character, ridiculous with muscles and towering over Arnold. He was actually up for the odious Man of Steel and while I think it’s better for him, he’s closer to how I think Superman should be.

 

IRON DADDY!

Need for Speed is still hanging around at number nine and also in this is Dominic Cooper who was Iron Man’s dad in the first Captain America movie. His role was also played by John Slattery in Iron Man 2 and you think they’re hoping for some flashbacks so they too can get on the “easy paycheck” bandwagon like Anthony Hopkins? Me too.

 

BAT DADDY!

Finally, Non-Stop closes out the top ten again at number ten. You think there’s no geek film connection here? Think again. Also in this is Linus Roache who played Thomas Wayne in Batman Begins. Yeah. Who’s your geek daddy now!?!

Visit:

Angrygeek.com

formerboywonderphoto.com

 

HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN

30 Mar

Ashley-Judd-ashley-judd-146503_581_666

1. Noah/Paramount                                       Wknd/$ 44.0      Total/$ 44.0
2. Divergent/LGF                                          Wknd/$ 26.5       Total/$ 95.3
3. Muppets Most Wanted/Disney              Wknd/$ 11.4        Total/$ 33.2
4. Mr. Peabody & Sherman/Fox                 Wknd/$ 9.5         Total/$ 94.9
5. God’s Not Dead/Free                                Wknd/$ 9.1         Total/$ 22.0
6. The Grand Budapest Hotel/Fox             Wknd/$ 8.8        Total/$ 24.5
7. Sabotage/ORF                                            Wknd/$ 5.3        Total/$ 5.3
8. Need for Speed/Touchstone                   Wknd/$ 4.3         Total/$ 37.8
9. 300: Rise of an Empire/Warner            Wknd/$ 4.3         Total/$ 101.1
10. Non-Stop/Universal                               Wknd/$ 4.1         Total/$ 85.2

BASED ON THE “ORIGINAL” BEST SELLER…
Noah opens up at number one and apparently The Bible is big box office these days. Well, maybe when you remake it as ecologically minded disaster porn, which basicall makes this a biblical version of The Day After Tomorrow. And just as we last saw Jesus as a hot surfer dude, Noah’s back as a sexy DILF, played by none other than Russell Crowe who’s gotta be glad this is washing the memory of Winter’s Tale out of people’s minds like the great flood. Needless to say, I had no interest. Not simply because it was a Bible story, because director Darren Aronofsky is using the “good book” merely for source material like any other best seller. In other words: giving it lip service. They even added the disclaimer “inspired by” to make it clear to the bible-thumpers they were not getting their usual handjob of a movie like those that have preceded this one. This is Hollywood, baby. We’re here to put butts in the seats, lifting your wallets, not your spirits. And clearly they’ve done it, but the question is what happens next week when that Christian money is gone, because if you’ve noticed something about these films, they open big because every. single. one. of those goes to see it, but rarely twice and no one else really cares. That’s okay when your movie costs about $10 and your biggest stars are Dean Cain and Kevin Sorbo (more on that later), but this is a $125M film with an Oscar winner who has flat out told you he doesn’t cut his fee for big studio films. It’s gonna have to hang around for a while if you ever want to see another big budget Ten Commandments. My guess? Don’t hold your breath.

THAT MATTHEW MCCONUGHEY ISN’T PLAYING DADS HAS GOT TO HURT
Divergent is down only to number two so we may have actually found our successor to The Hunger Games and while I personally don’t care I’m a little pleased that the trend seems to be female driven. None of the dude-based Young Adult novels have come through onscreen besides Harry Potter. Between Twilight, Hunger Games and now this, it’s clear that women are more likely to turn out to see themselves. And you’ve even got an earlier generation of female lead actresses on-hand to support them as Ashley Judd is here and there was a brief moment in time when her name was above the title and expected to bring people in. Now she’s the mom of the main character. I am so old…

WHAT’S PLURAL FOR JESUS? JESUII?
Muppets Most Wanted is down to number three, followed by Mr. Peabody & Sherman at four and God’s Not Dead at number five and in this are Superman and Hercules, aka Dean Cain and Kevin Sorbo. Somehow it seems appropriate that a pagan Jesus and a pop culture Jesus are in this movie. And given that Dean Cain is a bit of a jerk (we now see that it wasn’t Teri Hatcher but him all this time) there’s schadenfreude that he’s been reduced to doing these kinds of movies. Feel bad for Sorbo, though. Even if he does believe his career has been hurt by being a devout Christian in Hollywood. Yeah, that’s the reason all your co-stars from the show have become such huge stars.

YOU KNOW THEY WANTED THE BEASTIE BOYS SONG
The Grand Budapest Hotel is down to number six with Sabotage opening at number seven and it’s an apt metaphor for Arnold’s attempts to return to movies. He can’t get out of his own way if these are the choices he’s making. First we need to give props to the audacity of the marketing. Rarely has a film been so utterly misrepresented in an attempt to get people into the theater. You think you’re seeing a film about Arnold and his team taking on a drug cartel who are coming after him and his family because they think money was stolen from them? Nope. His wife and family are shown taken (and killed) in the first two minutes then when jump ahead eight months where we see Arnold and his team steal the $10M in a raid where they destroy the rest. The movie is actually a grim drama about the corruption of vengeance with a Hamlet level body count so don’t get too attached to anyone and I mean anyone. But that doesn’t mean it’s any smarter than say Commando. No, Commando looks like it was written by Shakespeare compare to this. It’s stupid beyond measure and lacking the gunfire and explosions you need to forgive it. After the opening raid where the $10M goes missing, the entire DEA team is investigated. One character even asks how the government knew $10M was missing given their mission was to blow it all up and he’s never answered because there is no way they could have known! None! It was a perfect robbery. Then we get to our second bit of stupidity, that the Mexican cartels would be after them for stealing $10M when the team incinerated HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS. Um, wouldn’t they be more pissed about that!?! And once we get into the story of Arnold’s wife and kid being kidnapped and killed we’re asked to believe that they [the cartels] came after them because Arnold’s team arrested a kingpin. Okay, that makes a little sense, but then we see that the cartel had the kingpin assassinated in custody, so why take a DEA agent’s family? And then we’re told body parts were shipped to him weekly? Pretty sure the DEA and the Justice Department along with the military would have unleashed the mother of all retaliations if for no other reason than to let it slide would set a horrible precedent for everyone carrying a badge everywhere. The cherry on top this is when we see part of the video of his wife’s death, the face of the guy who kills his her is easily identified (Arnold finds him relatively easily as well), but the whole of the entire US Justice department couldn’t find him!?! Also when the reasons for who is killing the team one by one (and horribly) is revealed it makes No. Freaking. Sense. At. All. It’s a waste of time, talent (seriously, look at that cast) and your life. No wonder Arnold is doing another Terminator film. He needs it like he needs air if these are the only other options available to him.

RENAME IT QUICK & ANGRY ALREADY
Need For Speed is down to number eight and you think this was a complete flop? Think again. It’s made $130M overseas. Yeah, I can’t believe it either. This actually makes sequels a possibility. Well, they’ve got nowhere to go but up quality-wise and given the bulk of the money came from overseas, expect it to be set there as well. You know, like that franchise it really wants to be.

THE END
300 Rise of an Empire is down to number nine followed by Non Stop closing out the top ten at number ten giving everyone in it one in the “win” column and Liam Neeson showing exactly how a 60-something has an action career. Paying attention, Arnold?

Visit:

The Original: angrygeek.com

formerboywonderphoto.com

I KNOW LIAM NEESON AND YOU, COSTNER ARE NO LIAM NEESON

23 Feb

600full-michael-ealy

 1. The LEGO Movie/WB                             Wknd/$  31.5            Total/$  183.2

 2. 3 Days To Kill/Relativity                        Wknd/$  12.3            Total/$   12.3

 3. Pompeii/TriStar                                       Wknd/$  10.0            Total/$   10.0

 4. RoboCop/Sony                                          Wknd/$    9.4            Total/$   43.6

 5. The Monuments Men/Sony                    Wknd/$    8.1            Total/$   58.1

 6. About Last Night/SG                                Wknd/$    7.4            Total/$   38.2

 7. Ride Along/Universal                               Wknd/$   4.7             Total/$  123.2

 8. Frozen/Disney                                            Wknd/$   4.4            Total/$ 384.1

 9. Endless Love/Universal                           Wknd/$    4.3            Total/$   20.1

10. Winter’s Tale/Warner                             Wknd/$    2.1            Total/$    11.2

 

MORE LIKE TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE MURDERED

The LEGO Movie holds on to number one for a deserved third straight week followed by 3 Days To Kill, opening at number two and I was actually prepared to see this for some silly action fun…until I found out the director was none other than the horrific McG.  Out of the unholy Trinity of bad, blockbuster directors who blew up in the late 90’s early ‘00’s of Brett Ratner, Michael Bay and McG, McG is by far the worst and that’s saying something.  He tanked the Terminator franchise much in the way Ratner was the first stumble in the X-Men franchise (until the Wolverine films showed it could get much, much worse…). Like the other two, he tried to show he could do a film about people and like the other two he failed miserably with We Are Marshall. He’s just a painfully untalented man, but sad proof that crap does float in that he’s still allowed to try and direct films.  There was hope that he’d been reduced to his talent level: directing for TV after the flop that was This Is War, which put a damper on the rising stars of Chris Pine and Tom Hardy (and killed any attempt by Reese Witherspoon to return to her early-century glory days), but no, he’s back and bringing Kevin Costner’s comeback attempts to a screeching halt in this clear attempt to try and horn in on Liam Neeson’s crown as the “mature” action star. Seriously, why do actors work with this guy?  Lucky for both of them it only cost $28M so a $12m opening isn’t the worst thing in the world, but next week the real Liam Neeson is back and guess which film is going to suffer most for it?

 

A DIRECTOR BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SUCK JUST AS MUCH

Speaking of bad films from untalented directors, Pompeii opens poorly at number three and this is from none other than Paul W.S. Anderson. The “W.S” to let you know he’s not the Paul Anderson making actual films like Boogie Nights and There Will Be Blood. No, this is the guy keeping his own wife’s career in the Farm Leagues thanks to the Resident Evil franchise. What’s sad is that there’s an actual historical precedent for this story in that the remains of a rich woman and man were found in the arena at Pompeii suggesting maybe they’d snuck there for a rendezvous because no one else was around. Oh, you didn’t know? Anyone and everyone who could get out of Pompeii had gotten the hell out. Its eruption wasn’t some surprise that caught a city off guard, so let’s kill that myth once and for all.  Think this film reflects that given how Anderson has been bragging about his research? Me neither.  Needless to say he’s already working on the next Resident Evil film…

 

MAYBE EMINEM DOES SAVE DETROIT AFTER ALL

Robocop is down to number four and one major problem with this film is that he really doesn’t need to be Robocop to get the bad guy. In the original Alex Murphy was one of many cops set up to be injured in order to become the subject of the procedure.  Here, it’s just a coincidence that he’s almost killed when they’re looking for a subject.  Also when he tracks down his “killer” there’s nothing special about how he does it. He tracks one phone to another phone, finds him and kills him. That’s it.  No special cyborg abilities needed which makes you wonder why they couldn’t catch this guy to begin with. Yes, there are corrupt cops protecting the bad guy, but since Murphy and his partner aren’t telling people what they’re doing anyway, there’s no way they could have been stopped.  He doesn’t get blown up, he never becomes Robocop.  Not to mention why does Detroit in this future need a Robocop to begin with given it doesn’t have any of the urban decay we saw in the original…or now.?  Seriously, this Detroit is better than the current Detroit.  In a better film that would be the satirical point, but here it’s just another sign of ineptitude.

 

PRETTY…BORING

The Monuments Men is down to number five followed by About Last Night at number six and also in this are Michael Ealy and Joy Bryant and it’s okay if you missed them because as it turns out the screenwriter was actually told to bump the supporting characters over the leads, which actually wound up making them the leads and the former leads are now just straight men despite being much more attractive. This makes sense if, like me, you remember just how utterly boring Rob Lowe and Demi Moore were, despite being pretty and naked.  And if their names sound familiar it’s because they were briefly “Hot Young Things.”  Michael Ealy was Halle Berry’s co-star in the Oprah Produced (key words) TV adaptation of “Their Eyes Were Watching God” which meant everyone knew his name for 5 minutes.  Joy Bryant is a former model (which meant Ealy was probably standing on a box for most of his scenes with her).  She was hot briefly in the early part of this century thanks to her first big role being in Denzel Washington’s directorial debut, Antwone Fisher.  Well that and dating 50 Cent during the making of Get Rich or Die Trying.

 

BWC –BRUTHAS WITH CASH

Ride Along, Kevin Hart’s other film in the top ten is down to number seven and this has made $123M off a $25M budget so I’m guessing they’re backing up a truck of money to Kevin Hart’s house for a sequel. In the meantime it’s Ice Cube’s turn to now ignore Chris Tucker calling doing about another Friday movie. He’s got a new cash cow to do the heavy lifting.

 

AS A CANADIAN HE’S TOO NICE TO TURN CRAP DOWN

Frozen holds at number eight, followed by Endless Love at number nine and it hurts me that Bruce Greenwood is in this.  He deserves so much better.

 

ONE OF THESE HEARTTHROBS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

Finally Winter’s Tale closes out the top ten at number ten and the other guy who can’t buy a hit in this movie? None other than Russell Crowe. Remember when he was mentioned in the same breath as George Clooney on Sex & The City?  Betcha he does.  Clooney was in Gravity last year. Know that Crowe was in? Man of Steel. That says it all.  You know what Crowe was doing while Clooney was getting an Oscar for producing Argo?  Getting mocked for his singing in Les Miserables.

Visit:

The Original: Angrygeek.com

The Pic: FormerBoyWonderPhoto.com

MONSTERS VS. MONSTERS

23 Jun

gina_carano__natasha__ra3_09

1. Monsters University/Disney                    Wknd/$  82.0           Total/$  82.0

 2. World War Z/Paramount                        Wknd/$  66.0           Total/$  66.0

 3. Man of Steel/Warners                              Wknd/$  41.1            Total/$ 210.0

 4. This Is The End/Sony                               Wknd/$  13.9           Total/$  57.8

 5. Now You See Me/LGF                              Wknd/$   7.9            Total/$  94.5

 6. Fast & Furious 6/Universal                     Wknd/$   4.7            Total/$228.4

 7. The Internship/Fox                                   Wknd?$   3.4            Total/$  38.4

 8. The Purge/Universal                                 Wknd/$   3.4            Total/$  59.4

 9. Star Trek Into Darkness/Par                   Wknd/$   3.0            Total/$ 216.6

10. Iron Man 3/Paramount                           Wknd/$   2.9            Total/$ 399.6

 

MEH UNIVERSITY

Monsters University opens at number one to no one’s surprise because even the odious Cars and Cars 2 opened at number one.  Not even Superman can stand against the might of Pixar.  Now for me Monsters, Inc was something that should have been great short film (there really are monsters in your closet, but they’re not here to hurt you) but was stretched out into a mildly entertaining movie with pretty much a rock solid ending that honestly left no where to go.  They seemed to have realized this which is why they went with a prequel, answering questions no one really asked about Mike and Sully.  This actually contradicts Sully’s line in Monsters Inc about knowing Mike in the 4th grade as they meet here in college.  Sully is a lackluster student due to his family name and innate “scaring” skill while Mike is a perfect student, but honestly not being even remotely scary to anyone and they clash almost immediately.  Their rivalry gets them both kicked out of the “Scaring Program” so they have to join forces and also a frat of underachievers to prove themselves to get back in. Wait. Did I just describe the plot of Revenge of the Nerds?  It’s not Pixar on the level of Toy Story, Wall-E, Up, Finding Nemo or The Incredibles, but more Pixar on the level of A Bug’s Life (which I love) Brave and Ratatouille.  Better than pretty much all other computer animate films, but paling in comparison to their best.  That’s it’s a sequel is no excuse as the Toy Story films got better with each installment, so I was a bit disappointed they didn’t up their game with the inventiveness of their humor.  At its best Pixar works on many levels, from childlike humor to elements that have the adults in the audience trying to explain to their children why mommy and daddy are crying. None of that is present here.  The laughs are simple but effective as is the message (believe in yourself).  There’s no human element this time, but honestly I preferred it.  Boo was a little too cute at times.  Besides the emotions of the monsters are human enough.

 

THE REAL MONSTER IS MAN’S INHUMANITY TO MAN…OR SOMETHING

World War Z opens well at number two which is ironic even this apocalyptic film had a buzz of certain disaster written all over it, from rewrites to reshoots to Brad Pitt allegedly not speaking to the director.  I enjoyed it, but I never read the book, so I had no outrage ready and waiting in the chamber primed to fire.  Also, the trailers were well cut in my opinion selling the movie not so much as being about zombies as the world coming to an end because of a plague and a handsome brave scientist was out to stop it (for a movie about zombies, shots of them were conspicuously missing from the trailer).  That worked for me, he who has no interest in zombies or horror.  Well, I was right for the most part.  Brad Pitt is actually a former operative of sorts for the United Nations, not a scientist.  He’s so good he’s the first person the secretary general apparently calls when zombies overrun Manhattan. Though in his defense, when Pitt witnesses his first zombie attack he instinctively counts how long it takes for an infection to turn someone, which is something I’d be too busy stepping over the guy in front of me to do. While Brad Pitt then refusing to help stop the apocalypse makes no sense (the line where the general tells him his family is going to die too is missing from the film) the reaction of “Well, then we’re kicking you and your family to the curb. Good luck with those zombies” sure as hell does. Needless to say Pitt’s then off to South Korea with a team of NAVY Seals and an actual brave young scientist—who accidentally shoots himself in the head when zombies attack.  Now it’s up to Brad Pitt to take what little info the scientist gave him to find a cure. Along the way we find out North Korea solved the zombie problem by yanking the teeth out of all 23 million people. Damn. We also find out that Israel was so prepared for this they built a wall…but oddly never noticed that zombies were attracted by noise. They find this out the hard way, but not before Brad Pitt gains the cutest female Israeli soldier ever as his sidekick and they’re off to their next stop.  WWZ works because it realizes what the best monster movies always realize: the monster represents something else. It’s not just a creature for the sake of a creature.  Either it’s greed, rage, pollution, etc. Here it spreads from disease and neglect and poverty and is beaten by multi-national cooperation.  So you can guess what the monster is. The president of the US is dead; but the secretary of the UN is working to save the world.

 

MY TWO SUPER DADS

Man of Steel is down to number three and also in this are Russell Crowe and Kevin Costner as Superman’s fathers. Yes, both his dads were Robin Hood. Can we move on?  Russell Crowe acquits himself nicely as Jor-El the scientist who’s ready to whoop a little ass on when he has to on Krypton in order to save his son.  He fares much better than Kevin Costner who is burdened by a script that insists that Jonathan Kent not imbue Clark with the moral foundation that will one day make him Superman, but instead raises him in a climate of petrifying fear, actually suggesting that the deaths of all of a teenage Clark’s classmates is worth keeping his secret because Clark is just that important. This doesn’t make your son a good person. This makes your son that frat boy who breaks all sorts of laws then skips the country once you’ve mortgaged your house to pay his bail because you’ve told him all his life he’s so special that conventional morality doesn’t apply to him.  People mock the Clark Kent aspect of Superman all the time, not realizing that if you get him wrong then you get Superman wrong. This movie sadly proves that.

 

THEY HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON: THEY’RE ALL EVIL

This Is The End is down to number four followed by Now You See Me at number five and also in this is Isla Fisher whom I tend to confuse with both Amy Adams and Kate Mara.  No, I’m not saying all redheads look alike…I’m saying all short, skinny redheads between 25 and 35 look alike.  And I’ve dated enough of them to know.

 

ENTER THE FOINE ASS DRAGON

Fast & The Furious 6 is down to number six and also in this is Gina Carano, former MMA superstar following in the footsteps of people like Chuck Norris and Don “The Dragon” Wilson in attempting to become a martial arts action star.  Her first film was the underwhelming Haywire because Steven Soderbergh was too ashamed to make an actual action movie.  Hopefully this will serve to get her back on track.  No, she can’t act, but neither can Chuck Norris and she’s a helluva lot prettier. Trivia: she’s dating Henry Caville, in case you wondered what it’d look like when Superman and Wonder Woman had sex.

 

I WONDER WHAT THE KLINGON WORD FOR SCHADENFREUDE IS

The Internship is down to number seven, followed by The Purge at number eight and Star Trek Into Darkness at number nine, and at $430M from a $190M budget it has broken even so profitability will have to come from the backend of home video (dvd, on-demand etc) because it’s not going to make the $570M needed to do it theatrically. At best it will match the first one, which also didn’t profit theatrically, making only 2.5x its budget. You can’t prove I’m smiling about this.

 

STURDY AS STEEL

Finally, Iron Man 3 holds at number ten, as if to spite Man of Steel somehow.

YO’ MAMA

20 Jan

uptown-kerry-washington-decjan13-3a-585x780

1. Mama/Universal                                        Wknd/$ 28.1              Total/$   21.1

2. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                             Wknd/$  17.6             Total/$  55.9

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                Wknd/$  11.4              Total/$   55.3

4. Gangster Squad/Warners                        Wknd/$   9.1               Total/$  32.2

5. Broken City/Fox                                         Wknd/$   9.0              Total/$    9.0

6. A Haunted House/                                    Wknd/$   8.3               Total/$  30.0

7. Django Unchained/Weinstein                 Wknd/$   8.2              Total/$ 138.0

8. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   7.8               Total/$ 130.0

9. The Hobbit/WB                                          Wknd/$   6.5               Total/$ 287.0

10. The Last Stand/LGF                                 Wknd/$   6.3               Total/$     6.3

MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME

Mama opens at number one and with Zero Dark Thirty behind it at number two Jessica Chastain is officially a star.  Granted, the real star of a genre film is the genre itself and you could have had Denise Richards starring in this and it probably would still be number one, but her ascending star and nominations probably got the number of screens for this bumped up and the interest of a few people who wouldn’t have see it otherwise.  The other star in a genre film is occasionally the creator behind it.  When fans see “from the people who brought you ____” they know what they’re getting and they flock to it.  In this case it’s Guillermo Del Toro, a man of amazing visuals and crap stories. Sorry, but when your most coherent movie is Blade 2, you need to back away from the keyboard and let someone else handle it.  Yes, I know he’s only a producer here, but like Lucas even that tends to be too much.  I wouldn’t know because as we all know, I don’t do the scary and incompetent though it probably is, there looked to be some potential for genuine creepiness going here and that’s too much for me. Though I would have liked to have seen Jessica Chastain with black hair, tats and cleavage. Yes, now that she’s a certified star, we can begin to objectify her.

THE CURSE OF COACH TAYLOR

As mentioned before, Zero Dark Thirty holds the #2 position and also in this is Kyle Chandler who’s also in Agro, so clearly it’s his fault neither director received a nomination despite their films being nominated for best picture.

YOU’RE MUCH TOO YOUNG GIRL

Silver Linings Playbook jumps up to number three thanks to an expanded release and Gloden Globe wins.  I finally figured out why I can’t bring myself to see this: I HATE the trope of older men being emotionally healed by a younger woman. I once read an article that roasted every other French film for ending with a salt & pepper haired man arguing with his 20-something girlfriend until she bared her breasts to him then he sighed with a smile and they lived happily ever after.   A friend tried to argue the point that Jennifer Lawrence is in fact the emotionally older person here and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that’s ALWAYS HOW IT IS! It’s part of the trope that “ironically” it’s a younger woman that finally helps him mature. Clearly this ability leaves a woman after she turns 25. The closer her breasts and ass get to the ground the less an impact she can have on a man’s emotional state.  And no, this doesn’t strike too close to home. I hated this in my 20’s too. Now, I certainly wouldn’t turn down any 20-something hottie who wanted to heal my troubled geek soul, but I’d have the decency to be ashamed of it and I wouldn’t make you pay to watch.

EXACTLY HOT MANY HUSKY VOICED REDHEAD ROLES ARE THERE?

Gangster Squad is down to number four and how long before we’re able to look at Emma Stone and not think her career is based mainly on the implosion of Lindsay Lohan’s?  And honestly, Lindsay Lohan would have been so much more believable as a girl mixed up with a mobster.  Emma Stone looks like she’s in her high school production of Guys & Dolls.  She and Sean Penn sit right next to Nicole Kidman & Dustin Hoffman in Billy Bathgate in terms of believability.  Even Angelina Jolie & Timothy Hutton had greater credibility in Playing God.

IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN. THE BRONX IS UP AND THE BATTERY’S DOWN.

Broken City opens at number at five and I’ve a weakness for films clearly shot in NYC, but an utter hatred of films shot in NYC by people who clearly don’t know a damn about it. You can tell from the trailer it’s “Generic City” by the way they shoot it.  Every other romantic comedy suffers from this in that there’s nothing about this that says NYC other than them telling you it is.  The other obstacle? Russell Crowe clearly choosing his roles based on how weird his hair can be.  Dude, you’re not Nicholas Cage and his collection of hairpieces.  Or are you?

GET IT WHILE YOU’RE HOT!

Haunted House is down to number five, followed by Django Unchained at number six and as the female lead in this is Kerry Washington, who honestly should be everywhere given she’s in a hit Oscar nominated movie and has a hit TV series.  Girl, you need a new publicist.  Halle Berry’s stranglehold on being “the black female” lead has got to be weakened by now. She hasn’t had a hit since the last X-Men movie (No, being one of the million stars in New Year’s Eve does not count).  Zoe Saldana failed in her chance to take title thanks to her very own Catwoman in Colombiana.  Someone has to grab it. It might as well be you. By my count this is your second chance, because your first was back when Ray came out.

HERE’S A THOUGHT: STOP TRYING TO SING

Les Miserables is down to number eight and I just realized this gives Russell Crowe two movies in the top ten and strangely neither of which make him any hotter as a star. Granted he had his moment and has his Oscar, but does anyone look at him as “the” male lead any longer the way they still do Clooney?

IT’S LIKE JACKASS, BUT WITH BULLETS AND LESS PLOT

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is down to number nine, followed by The Last Stand opening at number ten and talk about humbling. If you thought you could just walk right back into it, Arnold, you were sorely mistaken. Granted cameos in The Expendibles were the right move, but this lame, sleepwalk of a movie was as wrong as wrong can get.  First of all, it looks cheap, which isn’t the same thing as “spartan” as a no frills kind of gritty action movie isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Second, it’s a premise utterly lacking in any kind of suspense.  How seriously are we taking a driving druglord. If he’s so bad-ass why is he driving!?!  Where’s his private jet?  For that matter where are the jets of the authorities who know exactly where he’s headed!?!  Even for action fans there is such a thing as too stupid.  Finally, the other name above the title is Johnny Knoxville.  Even Bruce Willis has learned he needs someone young and hot to help him now. It’s called “The Sean Connery Rule” and his younger c0-stars were people like Alec Baldwin, Kevin Costner, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes and Lawrence Fishburne.  The only thing Johnny Knoxville has in common with them is gender and a pulse.