Tag Archives: Robbie Amell

NO SINGING MICE! THANK GOD!

16 Mar

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1. Cinderella/Disney                                               Wknd/$ 70.1   Total/$ 70.1
2. Run All Night/WB                                              Wknd/$ 11.0   Total/$ 11.0
3. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox                 Wknd/$ 6.2    Total/$ 107.4
4. Focus/WB                                                             Wknd/$ 5.8    Total/$ 44.0
5. Chappie/Sony                                                      Wknd/$ 5.8    Total/$ 23.3
6. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel               Wknd/$ 5.7    Total/$ 18.1
7. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                               Wknd/$ 4.1     Total/$ 154.7
8. McFarland, USA/Disney                                   Wknd/$ 3.7     Total/$ 35.0
9. American Sniper/WB                                         Wknd/$ 2.9    Total/$ 341.5
10. The Duff/LionsGate                                          Wknd/$ 2.9    Total/$ 30.3

MONEY VS. DEPTH: WE KNOW WHO WINS
Cinderella opens at number one and two things got me in to see this and once again risk being the Solo Adult Male at a Kid’s Movie, which I’m sure is one day going to get me arrested: 1) Cate Blanchett, 2) Not A Musical. And believe me it’s the latter that carries the most weight. Remember my rule: if Gene Kelly isn’t dancing I don’t care. This isn’t so much a reinterpretation of the story, but another instance of Disney’s latest cash cow: live action versions of their animated features (Fantasia is going to be interesting). And clearly it a paid off, as evidenced by my ass in a seat and I hated the animated version. If you were hoping for maybe just a little more depth, you know, something for the adults like the great joke about “bears in San Francisco” in the trailer for Inside Out before the movie, dream on. Oh, they toy with it. They hint at actually making Cate Blanchett a three dimensional character whose evil is a result of the pain from losing the husband she loved and not truly being loved by a second husband who also dies, but they don’t follow through and just basically have her blurt out that that she’s mean to Ella (called Cider-ella due to the cinders on her face from being reduced to servant) because she’s so good. Seriously, that’s what she said. It would have made more sense if she blamed that obscenely tiny waist Cinderella has on display at the ball. Look, I know you want to try and recreate the movie, but you can’t force a human to have those proportions. Yes, she’s wearing a corset, but she also had to go on liquid diet to get into it. What. The. Fuck!?! Does Disney really think they would have lost a dollar because a real life human didn’t have the physical dimensions of a fucking cartoon!?! One thing they do get right is that Cinderella isn’t a servant for years. Seriously, I love the revisionist version with Drew Barrymore, but to think that being pretty much a slave for 20 years wouldn’t break or embitter you really is a fairy tale. Her first act as queen would have been to have her stepmother and mean sister beheaded and made the semi-nice one watch as a warning.

IT ALWAYS LEADS BACK TO CONNERY. ALWAYS.
Run All Night opens at number two and by Neeson’s own admission we’re reaching the end of this second act of his career as an action star. Probably because he’s doing it wrong. Yeah, being Dad The Action Hero worked briefly, but eventually you have to balance out that age curve by pairing him with a younger man to do all the heavy lifting. Or in the case of Neeson, the running, which he hates to do and directors have to work around it. In other words, do the Connery. Sean Connery is textbook on how to be an aging action hero, something it would do Schwarzenegger well to follow. In this one Neeson’s fighting Irish mob boss, Ed Harris in NYC, which almost makes this like a sequel to State of Grace where he was also an Irish mob boss in NYC. I like to think he survived being killed by Sean Penn…only to be killed here by Neeson (no, I didn’t see it, but do you really think he lives?). Penn also survived and went on to join the CIA, which is where we’ll see him next week in The Gunman. And if you think he’s not doing action movies because of Neeson, think again. They all owe him a check for opening this up for them.

IN HIS SIXTH DECADE OF EXPLOSIONS
Speaking of aging action heroes, Kingsman: The Secret Service rises back up to number three and as the head of The Kingsmen is Michael Caine, who did some badass movies back in his day as well, like Get Carter. It’s also a bit of a in-joke that he would play the head of a covert agency given he also played a secret agent back in the sixties. The Austin Powers character is based on him and why he also plays the father. Caine also did a turn as an elderly badass a few years back in Harry Brown, where he’s an ex-soldier who’s pushed too far. Yes, they make those films in England too. Death Wish fantasies are not just for Americans. They’re for any society with an underclass who occasionally needs to be taught a lesson.

CINEMATIC COITUS INTERRUPTUS
Down to number four is Focus and also in this is Rodrigo Santuro. Best known, unfortunately for being the Persian leader, Xerxes in 300 and its horrible sequel, but people of taste will know him as the hot guy Laura Linney doesn’t get to bone in Love Actually. Seriously, that was just mean.

SOAKING UP THAT CASH
Chappie is down to number five, followed by The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at number six and The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water at number seven and from a $74M budget, this has made $270M worldwide and somewhere the creator of Ren & Stimpy weeks because his little cartoon never graduated from the love of hip kids to an actually license to print money like this one did.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GEEK CRED
McFarland, USA is down to number eight, with American Sniper returning at number nine and finally The DUFF closing out the Top Ten at number ten, and starring in this Mae Whitman who is none other than the President’s daughter in Independence Day. Think she’s coming back for the sequel? And she’s got even more geek cred as the voice of a child Lois Lane on Superman The Animated Series, Batgirl on Batman: The Brave & The Bold and Wonder Girl on Young Justice. Geek cred is there for Robbie Amell, the cousin to none other than Stephen Amell, also known as Green Arrow on Arrow. He recently appeared on The Flash to become the superhero known as Firestorm himself. No geek cred for the pre-naturally pretty Bella Thorne, but given she’s a pretty redhead and they’re rebooting Spider-Man again as a teenager, it should be happening any minute now. I feel I’ll go to jail just for writing about her given she’s only 17 (was it even legal for the 26-year-old Amell to kiss her?). Her porn star name doesn’t help matters in the slightest. Her siblings are equally named Remy Thorne, Kalli Thorne and Dani Thorne because apparently Mary, Susan or Katherine just wouldn’t do. Do I even have to tell you they’re from Florida? Irony alert: in this film she plays the “mean girl” of the high school and like Lindsay Lohan she’s a henna-headed product of the Disney machine. Hopefully being from Florida won’t doom her the way that being from Long Island doomed Lohan.

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14 Oct

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1. Gravity/Warners                                        Wknd/$  55.6            Total/$  21.5

 2. Captain Phillips/Sony                              Wknd/$  25.7            Total/$  25.7

 3. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2    Wknd/$  13.8            Total/$  77.6

 4. Machete Kills/ORF                                   Wknd/$    3.8            Total/$   3.8

 5. Runner Runner/Fox                                 Wknd/$    3.8            Total/$  14.2

 6. Prisoners/Warners                                    Wknd/$    3.6            Total/$  53.6

 7. Insidious 2/FD                                           Wknd/$    2.7            Total/$  78.5

 8. Rush/Universal                                          Wknd/$    2.4            Total/$  22.2

 9. Don Jon/Relativity                                    Wknd/$    2.4            Total/$  20.2

10. Baggage Claim/Fox                                   Wknd/$    2.0            Total/$   18.2

 

IN SPACE YOUR FLESH DOESN’T SAG AS MUCH

Gravity holds at number one and I made the joke about Clooney being onscreen with a woman his own age first, SNL! Well, my was a little different because theirs was you knew it was science fiction because there’s no way Clooney would talk that long to a woman his own age. Mine was that Clooney only agreed to do a film with a woman his own age because they promised him he’d never have to touch her.  I’m not giving anything way because it’s all in space. They’re not going to stop for a make out scene (though to hear the director talk about studio suggestions they would have if they could have). In fact they give more away in the first five minutes of dialogue, with some painfully hamfisted foreshadowing. And if you didn’t get it the first time, they do it again.  Seriously, it’s the only flaw in this otherwise great movie.

 

SPOILER: HE ESCAPES THE PIRATES ON WINGS OF GOLD!

Captain Phillips opens at number two and I know I’ll probably see this in the end, but I’ve just about had it with the nobility of Tom Hanks in movies. Yes, he may be the nicest guy on earth in real life (just ask Peter Scolari who’s probably in this somewhere) but it’s starting to wear out its welcome onscreen. At least Bruce Willis does comedies that slightly mock his action hero image. Where’s the movie that plays on Hanks’ saintly onscreen image?  I don’t need him to play a puppy kicking villain, but I swear I briefly saw a halo on the head this character in the trailer for this. Kinda limits the level of suspense.

 

FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU THREE SPY KIDS MOVIES TOO MANY

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 is down to number three, followed by Machete Kills opening at number four and this is a joke that’s gone too far. It was great as a fake trailer in the Grind House movie from Tarantino and Rodriguez a few years and that they made it into an actually movie was funny too, but now sequels?  Enough. They should just stick to make trailers for movies that don’t exist, because “Introducing Carlos Estevez” (that’s Charlie Sheen’s real name) maybe the funniest thing you’ll see all year. I doubt anything in the movie can top that so why try?

 

WATER SEEKS ITS OWN LEVEL OF EGOTISM

Runner Runner is down to number four and it makes sense that Justin Timberlake is in a movie with Ben Affleck as they share a similar inability to be satisfied with enormous success in one arena and insist on it in others.  Affleck, like Woody Allen before him, casts himself as the lead in his highly praised films, but unlike Allen wants to be a movie star in his own right. Um, you tried that once. How’d it work out for you?  Pretty sure that bad decisions like this one and the upcoming Superman vs. Batman are what made you seek out creative fulfillment in directing to begin with. Hey, maybe that’s the upside to all this. The more crappy films he makes as an actor the more good films he’ll make later as a director. So this is one…

 

HER MOM INTRODUCES HER THIS WAY

Prisoners is down to number six and I just realized that Oscar Winner Melissa Leo is in this partially because Oscar Winner Melissa Leo is just. that. damn. good.  You don’t know even know it’s her until you see the credits. Hugh Jackman, however, I recognized immediately.

 

COUNTDOWN TO A SITCOM IN 3, 2, 1

Insidious Chapter 2 is down to number seven followed by Rush at number eight and also in this is Olivia Wilde whose 15 minutes of being “The Hot Girl” are just about up as none of the films she’s been in have been a success including this one. Since House make her semi-famous it’s been In Time (another Justin Timberlake failure), Tron Legacy (not a flop, but not a great success either), Cowboys & Aliens (James Bond and Indiana Jones together couldn’t save this), The Change Up (with fellow box office curse, Ryan Reynolds), People Like Us (the new Captain Kirk was in this turd), Butter (along with Jennifer Garner who knows all about failing in movies), and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (no one wants to see Steve Carrell with a younger woman). I’m thinking she can join either Halle Berry or Meg Ryan in their new sitcoms, because if they have to do TV you know she does.  She’s basically a brunette Malin Akerman at this point, who’s currently failing in Trophy Wife.

 

IF CLEVER IS A BLADE, THIS IS A BUTTER KNIFE

Don Jon is down to number nine followed by Baggage Claim closing out the top ten at number ten and if you wonder how painfully lacking in genuine wit this romantic comedy is, know that there’s a character named Mr. Wright played by Derek Luke. Gee, think he gets the girl in the end? Over Taye Diggs no less!

 

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR CONTINUES

Teens with superpowers? Government trying to control and eliminate them? No, you’re not watching an X-Men show. It’s just a remake of a 70’s British show (which was remade previously in the 90’s so basically they do this every 20 years) also named The Tomorrow People, but why keep the stupid name if you’re just going to have characters within the show mock it (and deservedly so)? I have no idea if the original Brit show was so much like the X-Men comics (which came first) but this new American version isn’t pretending to the point I can’t believe they haven’t been sued. And the familiarity doesn’t stop there. If those cheekbones look familiar it’s because you just saw them on Arrow. This is Stephen Amell’s brother, Robbie, in the lead also noticeably lacking a shirt throughout the show. That the female lead looks like the made her from the DNA of Kristin Kreuk from Smallville is probably coincidental though (or not). It’s also about as smart as Arrow or Smallville though both shows proved it’s possible to be entertaining without a brain. Maybe this will be as well, but I won’t know. I stopped caring about the X-men after I left my teens because I no longer needed their metaphor for teen angst to comfort me so there’s no real attraction to a less interesting version of it. But points to them for actually filming in NYC and not trying to pass Toronto off as Manhattan. They must have been given some serious tax breaks to pull this off.