Tag Archives: olga kurylenko

THE WEEKEND WHERE NO ONE CARED.

7 Sep

zoe-saldana
1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 294.6
2. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par            Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 174.6
3. If I Stay/WB                                                    Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 39.7
4. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                          Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 66.6
5. The November Man/Relativity                    Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 17.9
6. As Above/So Below/Universal                    Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 15.6
7. When The Game Stands Tall/TS                 Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 23.5
8. The Giver/Weinstein                                     Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 37.8
9. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney          Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 45.7
10. Lucy/WB                                                        Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 121.2

COLOR BLIND
Guardians of the Galaxy holds at number three and also in this is Zoe Saldana and you have to wonder if it has escaped her that she’s been basically unrecognizable in two giant science fiction hits. First, she was a big blue CGI creature in Avatar and here she’s a green alien. I’d be a little worried, but apparently she isn’t, as she’s given to stupid statements like Obama being in office means she doesn’t have to worry about race in casting. Yeah, she needs to have a coffee with Jennifer Beals about this before the Marvel Movie Money Train runs dry. Maybe Rae Dawn “I’m Not Black” Chong can join them. Better yet, Andy Serkis. You know him, right? No? He was Gollum in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, not to mention Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Yeah, that’s what being covered in science fiction and fantasy films does for you. Or does anyone want to tell me about Anthony Daniels’ great career? He was C3PO. This is sad because I kinda like how she said, she fucked somebody on the train from Coney Island because she was “ghetto like that.”

ISN’T MELODRAMATIC TEEN A REDUNDANCY?
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles holds at number two, followed by If I Stay at number three and this snuck in under the wire to be a summer hit, $33M domestic from an $11M budget, so it may be time for me to get to writing a Young Adult novel, because between this and The Fault In Our Stars, the YA movie genre has expanded beyond science fiction (Hunger Games, Divergent) and Fantasy (Twilight, Harry Potter). Of course I may be out of my depth given this new moneymaking genre is “Tragic Teen Girl.” This comes not a moment too soon for Chloe Grace Moretz, who seemed primed for kid stardom with the unexpected success of Kick Ass due in no small part to her role as the foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty Hit Girl. The problem was, only adults saw it and not her needed audience: kids. To correct that, they sanitized Carrie down to a PG13, which only resulted in another failure. This is why you don’t let suits make decisions.

“IT” FLOATS
Also holding (no one went to the movies because they were busy watching football) at number four is Let’s Be Cops, and the downside of this success is that the no-talent writer/director, Luke Greenfield, will be allowed more chances to be mediocre. Don’t believe me? His track record includes The Animal (Rob Schneider, which says it all), Something Borrowed (Kate Hudson, which seriously says it all) and The Girl Next Door, which is currently the center of some attempted revisionist history of it being a good more that was merely overlooked, which is bullshit. That movie blew and looking at his resume, there’s no mystery as to why.

SOMEBODY’S WORKING OUT THEIR ISSUES
Down to number five is The November Man, starring Pierce Brosnan. It’s a movie about a retired secret agent who was the best at his job drawn into conflict with his successor. Gee, we aren’t still bitter about Daniel Craig, are we, Pierce? Apparently we are. What’s worse is also in this is Olga Kurylenko, who was actually in Quantum of Solace, so the bulk of her time on-set was undoubtedly spent being asked over and over again who her favorite Bond was (the correct answer is always “Connery”). I actually do like Pierce a lot and was tempted to see this, but it just looked a little too cheap. I mean like made for Cinemax cheap. Not to mention the really sad subtext going on. You can do better, dude. That Kevin Costner spy movie? That should have been you. I’d have seen it if it were you.

HOW DO YOU SAY “I DON’T DO THE SCARY” IN FRENCH?
As Above/So Below is down to number six and this is yet another found footage movie and honestly they sit right next to “I Don’t Do The Scary” as movies I just flat out refuse to see. Getting nauseous because of the shakey cam is not high on my list of things to pay for. Fortunately they are usually one and the same, thus avoiding two birds with one stone. This time it’s tourists in the catacombs below Paris who go into a part they shouldn’t go into and get what stupid people deserve. Sorry, but so many of these movies center on people doing what they are explicit told not to do that I’ve lost any sympathy. As far as I’m concerned their eventual horrible deaths are just Darwinism in effect.

AMERICA’S PASTIME: COUCH SURFING!
When The Game Stands Tall holds at number seven, followed by The Giver holding at number eight, followed by The Hundred Foot Journey holding at number nine. Like I said, everyone was home watching football. Okay, maybe some were watching the US Open as well. Maybe.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Finally Lucy returns to the top ten at number ten and given Zoe Saldana’s stupid statements, I hope someone points out to her that she was also the female lead in an equally stupid action film written and produced by Luc Besson (someone else directed): Columbiana. Only that tanked. Hard. The difference being, people could actually see Scarlett Johansson in her big Marvel movies. Well, that and she’s white, blonde and stacked but I’m sure none of that matters, right? OF COURSE IT FUCKING MATTERS, DUMBASS!

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IRON CLAD MONEY MAKING MACHINE

5 May

CapA_186_94

1. Iron Man 3/Paramount                             Wknd/$175.3            Total/$ 175.3

 2. Pain and Gain/Paramount                       Wknd/$   7.6            Total/$  33.9

 3. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$   6.2            Total/$  78.3

 4. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$   5.8            Total/$  76.0

 5. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   4.2            Total/$ 168.7

 6. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   3.9            Total/$  14.2

 7. Mud/                                                             Wknd/$   2.2            Total/$    5.2

 8. Oz The Great & Powerful/Disney           Wknd/$   1.8             Total/$ 228.6

 9. Scary Movie 5/Dimension                        Wknd/$   1.4             Total/$  29.6

10. The Place Beyond the Pines/Focus        Wknd/$   1.3             Total/$   18.7

 

DROPPING SOME GEEK KNOWLEDGE ON YOU

Iron Man 3 opens at number one and saying this is better than Iron Man 2 is like saying daylight is brighter than moonlight.  The second suffered from the worst conceits of “sequelitis” and Robert Downey Jr. has all but apologized for it in subsequent interviews. And he should have. It was so bad I can’t even use it as background noise when it runs on cable. You know how awful you have to that to happen!?!  For me!?! I’ve got Sahara on right now! Unlike the second film this has a genuine villain, someone who wants to do bad things for fun and profit, not just someone with a grudge against Tony Stark. The Mandarin is apparently terrorizing the US with random bombings while sending taunting messages to the president.  War Machine is assigned to track him down, but when Happy Hogan is injured by one of these bombings, Iron Man gets involved and apparently bites off more than he can chew. In the comics The Mandarin is THE Iron Man villain. The Lex Luthor to his Superman, the Joker to his Batman, so his appearance is here is due and while they take a potentially sensitive issue (stereotypical Fu Manchu style evil Asian villain) and provide a nice, funny twist, you can still smell the stench of fear of offending the increasingly important audience in mainland China (as well as Chinese debt holders). But he’s not the only threat to Iron Man. In a nice touch we see a superhero suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from dealing with the incredible events of his life, in this case the events of The Avengers movie. He probably should have been suffering from PSTD in the first film due to the abduction (which is mentioned), but better late than never. This actually touches on the core of what has always made the Marvel heroes so appealing: their human feet of clay.  I loves me some Superman more than any other character but I can understand why others find him so difficult to relate to. He’s all-powerful, always right and never has doubts or fails.  Tony Stark might actually have more flaws than virtues, which is what makes him so appealing to so many people. He continually rises above his basic selfish nature to do what’s right and now he has to fighting his own anxieties and fears which are a result of doing just that which makes him a much more interesting character, especially when events land in him Tennessee with a 10-year-old boy as his sidekick.  Their chemistry is easily the best part of this film and I would have sacrificed any number of CGI fight scenes for more of it.  Actually, I would sacrificed most of the overlong climactic fight scene in this near two-hour film, because by the time we get to it the film has just about overstayed its welcome and the plethora of different Iron Man suits, while fun to see just stinks of toy merchandising.

 

IF THEY REBOOT LETHAL WEAPON, HE’LL BE UP FOR MURTAGH

Pain and Gain is down to number two and also in this is Anthony Mackie who a few years back was heralded as the “Hot New Thing – Black Male Version” (not to be confused with “Hot New Thing Male” “Hot New Thing Female” “Hot New Thing Latino Male” “Hot New Thing Latino Female” and “Hot New Thing Asian Female” because there is no “Hot New Thing Asian Male.”) only to fizzle out and fail to ascend and take the place of Denzel Washington, still “the” Black Male leading man in Hollywood, Denzel Washington despite his age.  Unfortunately, likes so man others Mackie has simply wound up basically becoming the first choice in Black sidekicks for the White lead, which he will cement by becoming nothing less than a Super Black Sidekick as Captain America’s partner, The Falcon, in the upcoming Captain America sequel.  Clearly the last few years have taught him that it’s better to serve in heaven than reign in hell and it doesn’t get closer to heaven than being part of a billion dollar movie franchise.  It’s gonna pay for a lot of indie films where he can be the actual lead…or so he (and his agent) keeps telling himself.

 

“DEATH BEFORE APPROPRIATE AGE CASTING!” SCREAMED HIS EGO!

42 holds at number three, followed by Oblivion at number four and also in this is Olga Kurylenko, best known as the female lead in the second Daniel Craig film that no one seemed to like, but honestly was better than Skyfall. Not that it was all that great, but better than Skyfall.  As always, you can chart the ascension of a leading woman by the age of her leading men. As she rises, and works on bigger films, they will get older.  Kurylenko is 34 and her last few leading men have been Mark Walberg, Daniel Craig, Ben Affleck and Tom Cruise. Not one of them under forty and in Cruise’s case, quite a bit above it.  The closest she’s come a peer was Centurion where she spent most of the movie trying to kill a Michael Fassbender.  Of course, this was before he became a star and now that he is, she would have to kill someone to be his female lead.

 

THE HALLE BERRY APPROACH TO DATING APPLIED TO CASTING

The Croods holds at number five, followed by The Big Wedding at number six and also in this is Katherine Heigl, one of the few people in this film under 60 whose name can actually go above the title, though she’s stumbled in her last few choices of Killers with Ashton Kutcher, Life As We Know It with Josh Duhamel and One For The Money with some other pretty boys. Noticing a trend?  Did I mention she and her mother are also producing these lackluster works? Now, as much as I respect the emphasis on the pretty, because god knows that’s what men do to women, if they’d paid as much attention to directors and scripts as they clearly do to the cheekbones of her leading men, they might be able to keep her name above the title. You don’t have to choose one or the other, Kathy. You can have pretty boys and a good script. Just sayin’…

 

BETCHA THAT COP KNOWS WHO SHE IS NOW

Mud jumps into the top ten at number seven proving there’s no such thing as bad publicity as the female lead in this is none other than law enforcement provoker and that girl you don’t want to get drunk with, Reese Witherspoon. Unlike most, I wasn’t surprised because I knew she wasn’t simply a debutante but a freaking southern debutante.  The real wonder is that one of these types of incidents hasn’t happened before.  The unexpected success of this is also another step on Matthew McConughey’s comeback tour after Killer Joe and Magic Mike (I still say he was cheated out of an Oscar nomination).  What’s he coming back from? Being a shirtless exercise fiend and naked bongo playing punchline rather than actual actor.  And again this is from someone who has Sahara on right now.

 

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY

An unwelcome return to the top ten is Oz The Great and Powerful to number at number eight, followed by Scary Movie 5 still hanging around at number nine and The Place Beyond the Pines closing out the top ten at number ten.