Tag Archives: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

F. SCOTT FITZGERALD VS. STAN LEE!

12 May

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-Hasse-Nielsen-Cover-Men-03

 1. Iron Man 3/Paramount                            Wknd/$  72.5           Total/$ 284.9

 2. The Great Gatsby/Warners                     Wknd/$  51.1            Total/$   51.1

 3. Pain and Gain/Paramount                      Wknd/$   5.0            Total/$  41.6

 4. Tyler Perry Presents Peeples/LGF         Wknd?$   4.9            Total/$    4.9

 5. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$   4.7            Total/$  84.7

 6. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$   3.9            Total/$  81.7

 7. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   3.6            Total/$ 173.2

 8. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   2.5            Total/$  18.7

 9. Mud/                                                             Wknd/$   2.3            Total/$    8.4

10. Oz The Great & Powerful/Disney           Wknd/$     .8            Total/$ 230.0

 

WHY DO YOU THINK SPIDER-MAN CONSTANTLY LOSES HIS MASK?

Iron Man 3 holds onto the number one slot and there have been a few complaints from some people (aka, geeks and fanboys also known as “my people”) that he spends almost no time in the armor in this film.  Well, duh.  Newsflash, geeks: you’re the only people who want to see a CGI (which what 99% of all armor action is) action hero for two hours.  Everyone else wants to see the movie star playing him and since the basic nature of Iron Man prevents this, we have to find reasons to get him out of it. Not to mention the story itself is about the struggles of the man inside and how he is the hero, not the suit.  The best scenes of the movie are of him coping with bad guys without the armor, using only his wits and some homemade devices he puts together thanks to a trip to Home Depot (actually the store isn’t named and Home Depot missed out big time not getting their name in there). You’d think geeks above all would know if you don’t get the “man” part right then the “Iron” doesn’t matter, but I learned long ago geek pretensions of their intelligence are just that, nothing but pretensions.  The odious Iron Man 2 had him in the armor constantly and it was as tedious as it gets.

 

HEY, I READ MOBY DICK, SO SHUT UP!

The Great Gatsby opens at number two and I must confess that I escaped high school without reading this. In fact, I’m a little ashamed just at how many things I escaped high school and college without reading given I wound up with a freaking degree in English.  But that’s not why I didn’t see this. I didn’t see it because I’m usually less-than-impressed with Baz Luhrmann and giving him over two hours of my life for him to make a classic work feel contemporary (translation: hip-hop and dance music on the soundtrack) while keeping it in a period setting didn’t seem like a good thing to do with my life.  Not to mention it looks horribly…garish, like someone over-using his HDR program.  A lot of brightly colored excess for the sake of brightly colored excess.  It looks like it should have been a musical (I had this idea before Smash and am thinking of suing them) and THAT I would have been down to see. Have them sing the modern songs instead of merely having them in the background. It would have been a disaster to be sure, but a gloriously get-drunk-and-see-it-with-your-friends disaster. Who wouldn’t want to see Leonardo and the cast break out into “Love Is The Drug.” Could he really be worse than Russell Crowe in Les Miz?

 

YOU CAN DO BETTER. WE CAN ALL DO BETTER.

Pain & Gain drops one notch to number three, followed by Peeples opening at number four and yes, I know that Tyler Perry didn’t write or direct this, but his name is on it (it’s also known as Tyler Perry Presents Peeples) and that’s good enough for me to completely ignore its existence, despite the appeal of Craig Robertson.  Dude, you’re part of the Apatow crew. Why are you here?  Not to mention, I didn’t care too much for Meet The Parents the first time around.

 

BIG PRETTY HAIR OF A MAN

42 is down to number five, followed by Oblivion at number six and also in this is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and how he got in is a miracle given he’s younger, taller, better looking and with better hair than Tom Cruise.  Every time you see him, you wonder, “Why isn’t he the star of this movie again?” He’s best known now from Game of Thrones, but since I don’t watch that (it was up against a new King Arthur retelling on Starz when it debuted and I made my choice WITH NO REGRETS) I know him as Paul Bettany’s best friend in Wimbledon and as the star of the short-lived show, New Amsterdam, where he was an man cursed with immortality by a Native American when he came there with the Dutch in the 1600’s.  He can only die when he finds his one true love.  The problems with this are obvious, starting with if the Native Americans had that kind of power shouldn’t they have been using it to save themselves?  Pretty sure an army of immortal warriors would have solved that illegal immigration problem right quick.  It only ran 8 episodes so I doubt if even he remembers it.

 

SHE CAN TRULY SAY “THINGS WERE BETTER WHEN I WAS YOUNG”

The Croods is down to number seven, followed by The Big Wedding at number eight and you have to wonder what someone like Diane Keaton thinks of these actresses she works with, given when she was their age she was making Annie Hall and Looking for Mr. Goodbar and they’re making…this.  True, Amanda Seyfried does her fair share of indie work and will be the star of Lovelace this fall looking for some edgy Oscar love, but still…she’s here.

 

SURVIVAL OF THE PRETTIEST

Mud is down to number nine followed by the giant herpe of spring films, The Great and Powerful Oz and it’s both ironic yet totally logical that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were supporting players on That 70’s Show but have enjoyed the most success compared to stars Topher Grace (he’s in The Big Wedding and she was in a TV show based on Chelsea Handler’s life; nuff said) and Laura Prepon who were ostensibly the stars. However Kunis and Kutcher were easily the most attractive and we kind of expect more success from them, no?

 

 

THREE LITTLE BEARS: WOLF HUNTERS

27 Jan

Captain_America_and_The_Falcon_Vol_1_1

1. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters            Wknd/$  19.0            Total/$  19.0

 2. Mama/Universal                                      Wknd/$  12.9            Total/$  48.6

 3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein               Wknd/$  10.0            Total/$  69.5

 4. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                            Wknd/$   9.8             Total/$  69.9

 5. Parker/                                                        Wknd/$   7.0             Total/$    7.0

 6. A Haunted House/                                    Wknd/$   8.3             Total/$  30.0

 7. Django Unchained/Weinstein                Wknd/$   5.0             Total/$ 146.3

 8. Gangster Squad/Warners                        Wknd/$   4.2             Total/$  39.6

 9. Broken City/Fox                                         Wknd/$   4.0            Total/$  15.3

10. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   3.9            Total/$ 137.2

 

SHOULDN’T SNOW WHITE HAVE MADE A CAMEO?

Wait. Are you kidding me? Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters opened at number one?  I saw it as a goof, but clearly I wasn’t the only one down for some dumb fun this weekend.  Ironically this film was postponed numerous times and clearly dumped in January because they expected it to completely tank (January and August are where studios release films they expect to tank but have to release for contractual reasons).  It’s not great by any stretch of the imagination, but not awful either and the saving grace of this movie is that it knows it’s ridiculous.  From the opening credits where Hansel & Gretel are built by the newspapers at the time into media heroes to the very first shot afterwards where pictures of missing kids are attached to…milk bottles. Get it?  If anything it should have embraced this just a little bit more and taken it fully over the top.  Of course then you’d need a director with a better sense of comic timing and a wittier script, both of which are in short supply here because the director was the writer. Let me put it this way: that milk carton joke?  That’s as smart and as it gets (a truly imaginative director/writer would have filled the climax where literally dozens of evil witches appear with homages to classic witches of the movies).  The rest is filled with rather generic action and gore; entertaining for that moment but instantly forgettable. In fact the only thing I really do remember is that Gemma Areterton takes a beating in her action scenes like I’ve on seen male action heroes take, so…progress?  But of course she still has a male-friendly costume (tight leather pants, corset and a serious push-up bra) and for that little lack of progress I am appreciative.  She was pushed as the “new hot thing” only a year or two back when she was in every other film (Quantum of Silence, Prince of Persia, Clash of the Titans) but since most of them were disappoints Hollywood moved on, but this unexpected big opening may have put her back into the game.

 

YEAH, I READ A REAL BOOK ONCE

Mama is down to number two and also in this is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, best known from Game of Thrones but I know him from an underrated show called New Amsterdam about a NYPD detective (named Amsterdam of course, but it works since the actor is Danish…or is he Dutch?) who is cursed by immortality until he falls in love.  No, it was not based on the book, Forever, by Pete Hamill about a man who is given immortality so long as he never leaves the island of Manhattan, though I can see how you and Pete Hamill’s lawyers might think that.  On New Amsterdam it was given by a Native American; in Forever it was given by Africans slaves begging the question, if they had this much power why weren’t using it for other things like stopping genocide or fleeing themselves from bondage.  Yeah, when you see the words “immortal cop” you can’t go around asking yourself deeper questions.  Just go with it.  Nikolaj was also in one of my late night cable guilty pleasures: Wimbledon. Seriously. I’ll watch it whenever it’s on.

 

JNo

Silver Linings Playbook holds at number three, followed by Zero Dark Thirty down to number four and Parker opening poorly at number five.  This is based on a character from a series of books one of which was the basis of the movie Payback with Mel Gibson (though in that movie they changed it to Porter).  Sadly, the Mel Gibson movie was better.  When you pay to see a revenge movie with Jason Statham you expect an unholy barrage of retribution via bodycount and broken limbs, not the occasional action scene between a lukewarm, charmless Ocean’s Eleven type heist flick filled with aesthetically challenged actors.  And Jennifer Lopez was doing better genre pictures back in the days of Money Train.  At least then she was a butt-kicker in her own right. Here, she’s just “the girl” all the way down to a gratuitous scene where she has to strip down to her underwear.   It’s great she can still look great doing it at 43, but sad that’s all she’s contributing in a movie at 43.  And whose bright idea was to put them together in a movie and not hook them up? What exactly do they think people are paying for!?!

 

MOVIE 43, LAUGHS 0

Django Unchained is down to number six, followed by Movie 43 opening up at number seven and this is seemingly the comedic equivalent of those horrible all-star holiday movies with one difference: people actually go to see those.  I mean, Haunted House opened better.  I’ve got nothing against crude and tasteless humor, but there’s just one add requirement: it has to be funny and the name Farrelly on this pretty much guaranteed that this would be only be crude and tasteless and I have given them their last chance.  Granted, he’s only one of many producers and writer and directors (this was filmed over a period of five years), but his name is a gigantic warning sign.  Not helping matters: Brett Ratner. Now you know not only will it not be funny but it will make other things you thought were funny before now unfunny.  Every time Brett Ratner makes a supposed comedy a real joke somewhere dies.

 

ANYBODY CAN READ SHAKESPEARE

Gangster Squad is down to number eight and also in this is Anthony Mackie and I’m pretty sure the actual “Hat Squad” of the LAPD in the 50’s was hardly a fan of affirmative action so this is purely “get butts in the seats with multi-ethnic casting”. Like Gemma Arterton, Mackie was also touted as “the next big thing” a few years back, only to be in a bunch of duds and again, Hollywood moved on, but next year he’ll have his second shot at the brass ring as he’s playing The Falcon in new Captain America movie.  In the comics, The Falcon became Captain America’s best friend and partner when he awoke from suspended animation.  This has been your moment of geek knowledge for today.  Now you can embarrass yourself in any bar in America and make people wonder if you’ve even had your first kiss yet.

 

SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT

Broken City is down to number nine and Kyle Chandler is in this too? Honestly, this movie is one “Big 90’s” bit of casting. Russell Crowe, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Mark Walberg, Barry Pepper, Michael Beach and Jeffery Wright are all people who started off hot in the 90’s.  Granted clearly casting is being done along a certain age requirement but all I’m feeling is a since of nostalgia, like I can hear Nirvana and Blackstreet in the background as I read over that list.  Then again, the director is Allan Hughes of The Hughes Brothers who also blew up in the 90’s with Menace II Society, so maybe he’s casting along to people he always wanted to work with.

 

THE END

Finally, Les Miserables closes out the top ten and with a $313 worldwide box office from a $61M budget this is clearly a hit and honestly one both Hugh Jackman and Russell Crowe needed judging by their other two films on this list (Jackman is in Movie 43).