Tag Archives: Kyle Chandler

JUST DON’T SAY SHE’S “HUGELY” FUNNY

10 Feb

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1. Identity Thief/Universal                         Wknd/$  36.6              Total/$  36.6

 2. Warm Bodies/Summit                            Wknd/$  11.5               Total/$  36.7

 3. Side Effects/ORF                                      Wknd/$  10.0             Total/4  10.0

 4. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein               Wknd/$   6.9              Total/$  90.0

 5. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters           Wknd/$   5.8              Total/$  43.8

 6. Mama/Universal                                      Wknd/$   4.3              Total/$  64.0

 7. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                            Wknd/$   4.0              Total/$  83.6

 8. Argo/Warners                                           Wknd/$   2.5              Total/$ 123.7

 9. Django Unchained/Weinstein               Wknd/$   2.3              Total/$ 154.5

10. Bullet To The Head/Warners               Wknd/$   1.9               Total/$    8.2

 

SUCK IT YOU, UNFUNNY PIXIE STICKS

Identity Thief opens at number one and it’s official: Melissa McCarthy is a comedy A-lister.  “But what about Bridesmaids?” you ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got an Oscar nod for Bridesmaids.  So what?  That $2.25 will get you on the train.  Opening at number one however, will make sure your next check is eight-figures, easy.  “But what about Jason Bateman?” you ask and let me tell you, you’re getting annoying with these questions and it’s only the first movie.  Jason Bateman is a solid supporting player.  He’s the go-to straight man—which is incredibly important in comedy—but he alone is not a guarantee.  Notice how Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston tanked in The Switch last year.  That’s because Anniston is faux-A-list.  She’s famous like she’s A-list but nothing she’s done backs it up. And everyone she flops with does better elsewhere.  She flopped with Gerald Butler in The Bounty Hunter, but he made an equally bad movie with Katherine Heigl that made money.  She flopped with Paul Rudd in Wanderlust, but then he makes the unpleasant This Is 40 with Leslie Mann whom no one confuses with an A-lister and it at least doubles its budget. And who was the best part of This Is 40? Melissa McCarthy. A-list star…who’s trying to figure out how to get the hell out of her TV contract as we speak.

 

ALWAYS A BRIDESMAID…

Warm Bodies drops to number two and the female lead in this is Teresa Palmer who seems to finally have a hit (it’s already made budget in just two weeks) after a few years of tanking in projects that looked like sure things.  First there’s Take Me Home Tonight, where she’s “the girl” for Topher Grace, which is so bad it sits on the shelf for a year to be released to expected disappointment.  Then there’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice where she’s “the girl” for Jay Baruchel who was supposed to be the cute, geeky heartthrob, but is more geeky than he is cute and now people have stopped trying to make that happen (he’s the “fetch” of young actors).  Then she was the best part of I Am Number Four as the badass Number Six.  Mainly because she didn’t have to be “the girl.”  But that would-be franchise couldn’t get out of the gate, though was hardly the failure some made it out to be. We’ll know if this takes her to the next level if her next leading man is 10+ years her senior.  That’s how you really know, when every aging leading man wants suck on your youth to help him seem, like a friggin’ vampire.

 

WARNING: HIS STYLE CAN LEAD TO BOREDOM AND INCONSISTENCY

Side Effects opens at number three and for someone who has been talking about leaving films for years, Steven Soderbergh seemingly has a new one out every other day.  This is his fourth film in two years.  Clearly you’re still interested, Stevie, so what’s your problem? Oh, I don’t care. I’ve liked Soderbergh since sex, lies & videotape, a film that still holds up 20 years later but he’s very hit or miss with me.  His style is indefinable and sometimes borders on being so low-key it’s boring (he directed the action film Haywire about a secret agent struggling with betrayal pretty much the same way he directed the drama Magic Mike, about a stripper struggling to move up in the world) and it often depends solely upon the subject matter to carry it.  This subject matter didn’t pique my interest at all other than the fact Soderbergh directed it and sadly that isn’t enough any longer. He wasn’t helped by trailers that changed from making Jude Law seem like the sinister doctor to Rooney Mara as the lead, to making him seem like a the fall guy of the sinister pharmaceutical companies, with her as his supporting character.  I would have been more inclined to the latter as Rooney Mara is more than a little off-putting, but too little too late. I’ll throw this on the pile of Soderbergh films I keep telling myself I’m going to sit down and watch one day, going back to King of the Hill.  But that’s not my fault. It hasn’t been available on any kind of home video for almost 20 years and only now has shown up on Netflix. But I’d love to see Kafka again, as I’m one of the two people in the world who liked it.

 

ONE DAY, I PROMISE

Yes, Silver Linings Playbook is down to number four. No, I still haven’t seen it. Shut up. I have a life…and have rediscovered video games on my computer.

 

ONLY PRETTY PEOPLE CAN HAVE UGLY DOGS

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is down to number five and also in this as the big, bad witch is Famke Janssen (former model) who I will give credit to because when Goldeneye  made her briefly hot, she went and did indie films with her heat and rarely did big budget crap like I Spy. In act it was when her heat had run out that X-Men came and gave some of it back. And guess what she did?  More indie films.  This too is probably to pay for more of them.  Well that and the little rat dog she has that I constantly see her walking in the West Village.

 

HE IS “THE MAN” YOU WANT TO STICK IT TO

Mama is down to number six and at $77M worldwide from a $15M budget you can expect some weird kind of sequel.  Grandmama?  It’s followed by Zero Dark Thirty at number seven giving us back-to-back Jessica Chastain.  It’s followed by Argo at number eight, returning to the top ten on its run to winning the Oscar for Best Picture giving us back-to-back…Kyle Chandler?  I know some wonder why he was never a bigger star but I think he’s as big as he’s capable of being. He’s kinda dull, which is why he’s perfect for the authority figures he plays, be it high school football coaches or in the case of these two films, government officials.  Basically, he was born to wear a suit and tie on film and argue with the younger, more attractive actual lead.  He’ll be playing the president within five years, mark my words.

 

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Django Unchained is down to number nine and believe it or not but this may wind up being Tarantino’s highest grossing film, already at the $310M mark worldwide.  Only Inglorious Basterds is higher at $316 and the two Kill Bill films combined made $300M.  The downside being people will continue to cast Jamie Foxx in movies as the lead, which seemed to be just about over. “But what about his Oscar for Ray?” you ask and I was hoping you’d stopped doing that. What of it?  Hilary Swank has two. What was the last Hilary Swank movie you saw? What was the last one you can even remember?  Exactly.

 

BUT CAN HIS CAR MAKE THE KESSEL RUN IN LESS THAN 12 PAR-SECS?

Finally, Bullet To The Head closes out the top ten at number ten and hopefully this won’t put too much of a damper on the career of Sung Kang who plays Han in the Fast & The Furious movies.  In fact, in every movie Justin Lin directs, he plays a character named Han, who actually called Han Seoul-Oh in Fast Five.  Get it? Han Solo?  Yeah.  But a friend of mine who is Korean described him as an “Asian Andrew McCarthy” which has got to be on the list of things he never wanted to hear.

 

I’M NOT SORRY. I’M A BITCH

Starting this week was The Face, an idea so great I can’t believe it took this long.   Basically it’s giving Naomi Campbell her own modeling show where she can just be an unrepentant bitch every week.  Yeah, there are two other models, but that’s what they’re really selling.  It’s what Naomi Campbell is only too happy to sell and we’re buying it hand over fist. The only way it could be bitchier would be to have Claudia Schiffer as one of the other judges.  I’m not a watcher of America’s Next Top Model so I don’t know how it all goes down, but during the opening selection episode it was actually a bit painful watching these girls—and they are just girls—getting rejected (“I’m sorry. You’re not The Face.”).  But if you want to do anything in the world, much less modeling, then rejection is just part of it.  Nonetheless, I was relieved when they didn’t put us through every single one and just had some happen off-screen.  Of course this cost us Naomi’s “Bitch, please” reaction anytime a contestant didn’t choose to be on her team in the event of two judges wanting her for their team. And I think it actually mattered more when the girl in question was black, which is ironic given how she treated Tyra Banks initially.  I suppose it’s never too late to be a sista.  This is going to be the show to get me through till spring, especially now that Don’t Trust The Bitch in Apt. 23 is gone and Happy Endings is hanging on by a thread.

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YO’ MAMA

20 Jan

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1. Mama/Universal                                        Wknd/$ 28.1              Total/$   21.1

2. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                             Wknd/$  17.6             Total/$  55.9

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                Wknd/$  11.4              Total/$   55.3

4. Gangster Squad/Warners                        Wknd/$   9.1               Total/$  32.2

5. Broken City/Fox                                         Wknd/$   9.0              Total/$    9.0

6. A Haunted House/                                    Wknd/$   8.3               Total/$  30.0

7. Django Unchained/Weinstein                 Wknd/$   8.2              Total/$ 138.0

8. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   7.8               Total/$ 130.0

9. The Hobbit/WB                                          Wknd/$   6.5               Total/$ 287.0

10. The Last Stand/LGF                                 Wknd/$   6.3               Total/$     6.3

MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME

Mama opens at number one and with Zero Dark Thirty behind it at number two Jessica Chastain is officially a star.  Granted, the real star of a genre film is the genre itself and you could have had Denise Richards starring in this and it probably would still be number one, but her ascending star and nominations probably got the number of screens for this bumped up and the interest of a few people who wouldn’t have see it otherwise.  The other star in a genre film is occasionally the creator behind it.  When fans see “from the people who brought you ____” they know what they’re getting and they flock to it.  In this case it’s Guillermo Del Toro, a man of amazing visuals and crap stories. Sorry, but when your most coherent movie is Blade 2, you need to back away from the keyboard and let someone else handle it.  Yes, I know he’s only a producer here, but like Lucas even that tends to be too much.  I wouldn’t know because as we all know, I don’t do the scary and incompetent though it probably is, there looked to be some potential for genuine creepiness going here and that’s too much for me. Though I would have liked to have seen Jessica Chastain with black hair, tats and cleavage. Yes, now that she’s a certified star, we can begin to objectify her.

THE CURSE OF COACH TAYLOR

As mentioned before, Zero Dark Thirty holds the #2 position and also in this is Kyle Chandler who’s also in Agro, so clearly it’s his fault neither director received a nomination despite their films being nominated for best picture.

YOU’RE MUCH TOO YOUNG GIRL

Silver Linings Playbook jumps up to number three thanks to an expanded release and Gloden Globe wins.  I finally figured out why I can’t bring myself to see this: I HATE the trope of older men being emotionally healed by a younger woman. I once read an article that roasted every other French film for ending with a salt & pepper haired man arguing with his 20-something girlfriend until she bared her breasts to him then he sighed with a smile and they lived happily ever after.   A friend tried to argue the point that Jennifer Lawrence is in fact the emotionally older person here and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that’s ALWAYS HOW IT IS! It’s part of the trope that “ironically” it’s a younger woman that finally helps him mature. Clearly this ability leaves a woman after she turns 25. The closer her breasts and ass get to the ground the less an impact she can have on a man’s emotional state.  And no, this doesn’t strike too close to home. I hated this in my 20’s too. Now, I certainly wouldn’t turn down any 20-something hottie who wanted to heal my troubled geek soul, but I’d have the decency to be ashamed of it and I wouldn’t make you pay to watch.

EXACTLY HOT MANY HUSKY VOICED REDHEAD ROLES ARE THERE?

Gangster Squad is down to number four and how long before we’re able to look at Emma Stone and not think her career is based mainly on the implosion of Lindsay Lohan’s?  And honestly, Lindsay Lohan would have been so much more believable as a girl mixed up with a mobster.  Emma Stone looks like she’s in her high school production of Guys & Dolls.  She and Sean Penn sit right next to Nicole Kidman & Dustin Hoffman in Billy Bathgate in terms of believability.  Even Angelina Jolie & Timothy Hutton had greater credibility in Playing God.

IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN. THE BRONX IS UP AND THE BATTERY’S DOWN.

Broken City opens at number at five and I’ve a weakness for films clearly shot in NYC, but an utter hatred of films shot in NYC by people who clearly don’t know a damn about it. You can tell from the trailer it’s “Generic City” by the way they shoot it.  Every other romantic comedy suffers from this in that there’s nothing about this that says NYC other than them telling you it is.  The other obstacle? Russell Crowe clearly choosing his roles based on how weird his hair can be.  Dude, you’re not Nicholas Cage and his collection of hairpieces.  Or are you?

GET IT WHILE YOU’RE HOT!

Haunted House is down to number five, followed by Django Unchained at number six and as the female lead in this is Kerry Washington, who honestly should be everywhere given she’s in a hit Oscar nominated movie and has a hit TV series.  Girl, you need a new publicist.  Halle Berry’s stranglehold on being “the black female” lead has got to be weakened by now. She hasn’t had a hit since the last X-Men movie (No, being one of the million stars in New Year’s Eve does not count).  Zoe Saldana failed in her chance to take title thanks to her very own Catwoman in Colombiana.  Someone has to grab it. It might as well be you. By my count this is your second chance, because your first was back when Ray came out.

HERE’S A THOUGHT: STOP TRYING TO SING

Les Miserables is down to number eight and I just realized this gives Russell Crowe two movies in the top ten and strangely neither of which make him any hotter as a star. Granted he had his moment and has his Oscar, but does anyone look at him as “the” male lead any longer the way they still do Clooney?

IT’S LIKE JACKASS, BUT WITH BULLETS AND LESS PLOT

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is down to number nine, followed by The Last Stand opening at number ten and talk about humbling. If you thought you could just walk right back into it, Arnold, you were sorely mistaken. Granted cameos in The Expendibles were the right move, but this lame, sleepwalk of a movie was as wrong as wrong can get.  First of all, it looks cheap, which isn’t the same thing as “spartan” as a no frills kind of gritty action movie isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Second, it’s a premise utterly lacking in any kind of suspense.  How seriously are we taking a driving druglord. If he’s so bad-ass why is he driving!?!  Where’s his private jet?  For that matter where are the jets of the authorities who know exactly where he’s headed!?!  Even for action fans there is such a thing as too stupid.  Finally, the other name above the title is Johnny Knoxville.  Even Bruce Willis has learned he needs someone young and hot to help him now. It’s called “The Sean Connery Rule” and his younger c0-stars were people like Alec Baldwin, Kevin Costner, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes and Lawrence Fishburne.  The only thing Johnny Knoxville has in common with them is gender and a pulse.