Tag Archives: Kingsmen: The Secret Service

GUN TOTING ROBOTS

9 Mar

douglas-terminator-2-200809080518251
1. Chappie/Sony                                                   Wknd/$ 13.3   Total/$ 13.3
2. Focus/WB                                                         Wknd/$ 10.0  Total/$ 34.6
3. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel           Wknd/$ 8.6    Total/$ 8.6
4. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox             Wknd/$ 8.3     Total/$ 98.0
5. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                           Wknd/$ 7.0     Total/$ 149.0
6. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal                   Wknd/$ 5.6     Total/$ 156.4
8. The Lazarus Effect/Relativity                       Wknd/$ 5.1     Total/$ 17.4
7. McFarland, USA/Disney                                Wknd/$ 5.3     Total/$ 29.4
9. The Duff/LionsGate                                        Wknd/$ 4.9     Total/$ 26.1
10. Unfinished Business/Fox                             Wknd/$ 4.8    Total/$ 4.8

THAT’S NOT HOW A ROBOT WITH A GUN IS SUPPOSED TO TALK
Chappie opens at number one and there was a time I’d be all over this. Robots!?! Robots with guns!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots run by Wolverine and Ripley!?! But apparently my decades long run of being 14 has come to an end, because I really couldn’t muster up the interest to see this. Maybe it’s because I kinda think Hugh Jackman and Sigourney Weaver are right and aren’t really the bad guys here. Artificial Intelligence is dangerous. Especially when you give it a gun and authority. Suppose it sees us for the self-destructive, planet-killing fuck ups we are? This could be the prequel to The Matrix! The other reason is because that robot sounds so fucking stupid speaking of himself in the third person I couldn’t stand it. “Chappie’s got stories!?! Chappie’s got a book?” Well I’ve got cable and that’s where I’ll be watching this in about 9-12 months.

SOMEWHERE GRETCHEN MOL STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
Focus is down to number two and the female lead in this is Margot Robbie who’s a legit “Hot New Thing” (against all odds she’s young and blonde) given she has actual accomplishments as opposed to just hype with nothing really to show for it. Last year she was the female lead in Wolf 0f Wall Street. Next year she’ll be in Suicide Squad with Will Smith and Jared Leto. A-list roles in A-list movies…with 40-something A-list males stars. That’s when you really know you’re hot; you making movies with superstars old enough to be your dad because they only want to next to the Hot New Thing. And you know who was originally supposed to be the lead in this? Ben Affleck, another 40-something. She probably won’t kiss a dude her own age until she’s the star of her own film, which should be any second now.

WELCOME TO THE DAYS OF PLAYING SOMEONE’S DAD
Speaking of aging Hollywood leading men, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel opens at number two and joining this ensemble cast is Richard Gere, who can count on one hand the number of time he’s kissed a woman his own age on film and this barely adds to the list as his romantic interest is still younger than he is, albeit only by five years. As opposed to Winona Ryder, Julia Roberts, Diane Lane, Helen Hunt, Laura Linney, Hilary Swank…etc. Oh, sure Susan Sarandon played his wife twice, but he spent 90% of his time with JLo in one and in the other he had a 30-something mistress whom he actually touched.

NO GLEE FOR THIS (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number three and as the villain sidekick with razor sharp prosthetic legs that she actually uses to kill and cut people in half is dancer Sofia Boutella. Never heard of her? Me neither, but she was a dancer with Madonna, did one of Lindsay Lohan’s desperate “look at me” magazine spreads and was part of the Nike campaign targeting women which was pretty awesome. Also she can do that dancer thing where she can put one leg straight up in the air, which I really, really really like. But she looks a lot like Lea Michele, which the notoriously competitive Michele surely doesn’t appreciate, because it’s one less big role she could have had.

GONNA KEEP BEATING THAT DEAD HORSE
The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water is down to number five, followed by Fifty Shades of Grey at number six and also in this is Jennifer Ehle who looked like she was headed for bigger things at one point, but maybe that’s because she looks so damn much like Meryl Streep and that may be a liability in a world where Meryl Streep is still taking big roles and has not one, but two daughters out there acting as well. I guess that’s why she’s now playing Dakota Johnson’s mom and showing up on shows like The Blacklist. Well, it’s a huge movie and she’s getting exposure, but don’t think for one second she’ll be swapping spit onscreen with men her own age like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith.

AS DISAPPOINTING AS ONE’S ACTUAL TEEN YEARS
McFarland USA is down to number seven, followed by The Lazarus Effect at number eight and The DUFF at number nine, and this has made $27M off a $9M budget so it’s a modest hit. I feel for these kids and these weak-ass teen flicks. It’s been a decade since Mean Girls and nothing approaching it as come up. Ironically, when you can only draw in your target audience you’re a bit of a creative failure for a teen movie. Given everyone has been to high school and would be able to relate they’d all see it, not just kids.

THANK GOD JON FAVERAU IS TOO BUSY FOR HIM
Finally, Unfinished Business opens at number ten and honestly I can say I’m sad because Vince Vaughn crossed the line from appealing to annoying as fuck a few exits back. While it’s smart they paired him up with two other people to dilute his presence, he’s still the lead and therefore will continue to be as annoying as possible. In Old School you knew Luke Wilson (pre-bloat) was the leading man and Will Ferrell his comic relief. Vaughn was the third wheel and he was perfect there. It’s also the a blight on the comeback career of Sienna Miller who was not only in the biggest film of last year, American Sniper, but in two Oscar Nominated films (American Sniper and Foxcatcher).

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THE OSCAR EDITION

23 Feb

50shades
1. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal            Wknd/$ 85.0   Total/$ 85.0
2. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox      Wknd/$ 36.2   Total/$ 36.2
3. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                    Wknd/$ 31.7    Total/$ 94.8
4. McFarland, USA/Disney                        Wknd/$ 11.3    Total/$ 11.3
5. The Duff/LionsGate                                Wknd/$ 11.0    Total/$ 11.0
6. American Sniper/Warner                      Wknd/$ 9.7      Total/$ 319.6
7. Hot Tub Time Machine 2/Par               Wknd/$ 5.8      Total/$ 5.8
8. Jupiter Ascending/Warner                   Wknd/$ 2.6      Total/$ 83.9
9. The Imitation Game/Weinstein           Wknd/$ 2.6      Total/$ 83.9
10. Paddington/Weinstein                         Wknd/$ 2.3      Total/$ 67.7

IT’S IN THE BLOOD
Fifty Shades of Grey holds the number one spot so bad reviews be damned! The best thing about this film is appropriately enough its leading lady, Dakota Johnson, daughter of Don Johnson and Best Actress Nominee, Melanie Griffith and granddaughter of Tippi Hedren. But it’s more than nepotism. The career graveyard is filled with the children of the famous (do I have to bring up Oscar winner Kirk Douglas’ other son again?). It takes more and she’s got it. Based on a bad book, a screenplay that does little to improve it and a leading man focused on struggling with his accent than anything else, she does what she can to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear and the fact she does as well as she does speaks volumes. In fact, it makes her look even more astonishing by comparison. Sometimes it’s better to be the best thing in a bad movie than the weakest thing in a good one. Doing this film was a smart move for her and passing on it was probably a mistake for Stephen Amell and Charlie Hunnam. Well, maybe no Hunnam as he’d still have accent problems, but from what I’ve been told, Amell is basically playing Christian Grey every week on Arrow.

SHOW HIM THE POUNDS!
Kingsman: The Secret Service holds onto the number two spot and as the preeminent Kingsman is Oscar winner for Best Actor, Colin Firth, in his first action movie, which is par the course for Oscar winners. Once you get the golden statue, you go get the real gold. We can call it the “Nicholas Cage effect.” He was all indie boy until winning Best Actor and he’s been a whore ever since.

WE’LL SEE WHAT STICKS
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water holds at number three followed by McFarland USA opening at number four and apparently there’s a film from Oscar Winning Director, Kevin Costner coming out every week now so if you don’t like the one last week, maybe you’ll like the one next week. But I sincerely doubt it.

NO OSCAR MENTIONS HERE
The Duff opens at number five and you know you’re getting old when you’re no longer interested in every high school movie that comes down the pike because you simply can’t relate any longer. Even when it’s Pygmalion story done again, you give it a pass. For example: you saw Can’t Buy Me Love and She’s All that, but you passed on Love Don’t Cost A Thing (the Can’t Buy Me Love remake) and this, which actually dares have an “Eliza” who’s not just traditionally pretty girl dressed down and in glasses like, well all the others.

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE SAY ANYTHING
Oscar Winner for Best Sound Editing (which is to say shut-the-hell-out), American Sniper is down to number six, followed by its polar opposite, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 opening at number seven and how did this happen? The first one wasn’t any good! Now they’ve made an even worse one, so bad that even John Cusack wouldn’t come back for it. And if you think Cusack is some kind of actor with integrity, check out his IMDB page and get back to me. He didn’t need an Oscar to whore it up.

AT LEAST SOMEONE’S ASCENDING
Jupiter Ascending is down to number eight and now has an Oscar winning actor in its cast: Eddie Redmayne. Too little, too late. Now the big question: will he continue with indie style roles or will he…WHORE IT UP!?!

CONTRARY TO ACTOR BELIEF, THEY DON’T MAKE UP THE WORDS
Oscar winner for Best Adapted Screenplay, The Imitation Game, is down to number nine with Paddington closing out the top ten at number ten.

 

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FIFTY SHADES OF MARKETING

17 Feb

mila-kunis-08
1. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal Wknd/$ 85.0 Total/$ 85.0
2. Kingsman/Fox Wknd/$ 36.2 Total/$ 36.2
3. The SpongeBob Movie/Par Wknd/$ 31.7 Total/$ 94.8
4. American Sniper/Warner Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 304.2
5. Jupiter Ascending/Warner Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 32.4
6. Seventh Son/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 13.4
7. Paddington/Weinstein Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 62.2
8. The Imitation Game/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 79.6
9. The Wedding Ringer/SGems Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 59.6
10. Project Almanac/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 15.8

LONELY MOVIE WEEKEND CHOICE #1
Fifty Shades of Grey opens at number one and this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Make no mistakes, it’s bad (the very fact the lead character’s name, Anastasia Steele, is presented without a hint of humor or irony tells you that), but just as my definition of good is a bit higher than others, so my definition of what sucks is much lower. Despite its attempt to seem modern and edgy, the story of 50 Shades of Grey (and Twilight for that matter) is the same one your mother and possibly grandmother have been reading in Harlequin novels for decades: stories of bad boy princes and pirates who are inexplicably brought down by the virginal heroine (yes, Anastasia is a virgin, because god forbid a woman have some actual idea about her sexuality) they cannot resist her. Only now rather than be tormented by the events of Spanish Civil War or The Crusades or whatever tumultuous time period those books were set, she’s now tormented by the hero himself. While the literary ancestor of Anastasia Steel (a name which would fit perfectly in those), had to fight her way through various kidnappings and the fall of the czar as she made her way from Moscow to Venice, this one has to deal with a lover who won’t let her actually sleep next to him or know his past and insist he’s bad for her while stalking her cross-country. Oh, and there’s the occasional spanking. Somewhere, trapped by the sexy pirate Taggart McGirth on his ship The Thruster, Constance Hymen rolls her eyes in disgust. Now, there’s an old rule of thumb that bad books can make good movies because you can change things and if any book need it, then this was it was this one. Unfortunately for them the author (and I use that term loosely) has a background in the entertainment business and she knows what happens to books, so her deal gave her a certain amount of control over the film. The end result is a film so empty and devoid of any sex appeal I was on the verge of reading it despite the many, many, MANY negative reviews saying how awful it was. My curiosity as how something so bland could be so successful consumed me, but then it dawned on me that’s probably why something that started off as Twilight fan fiction (it suddenly makes sense now, right?) could find such an audience. Because it was awful and simplistic, not despite it. Since when are we surprised that ineptitude soars while quality sinks? Surely not in this post-Twilight-Nicholas-Sparks age. But as empty as the books seemingly were they became even moreso when the opportunity to merchandise it took hand and the result is a movie that it so ironically chaste that beyond the nudity there are exactly two uses of the word fuck and absolutely no sucking dick. They wanted the built in audience these books contained, but at the same time wanted to keep them safe enough so as not to put off anyone and draw in even more people (preserving those marginal percentages that only business majors know or care about). Now that makes no sense given the audience would know exactly what and was isn’t in the books (“Where’s all the dick sucking!?! Where’s that tampon!?!”), but the end result is whatever tiny edge they had was dulled and you get something that looks like it escaped from the Lifetime network and into theaters. There is more graphic and honestly arousing sex on your basic cable show, much less pay cable. I mean, I know it’s the Pacific Northwest, but is it really so cool and temperate that no one sweats when they fuck!?! Maybe in the two sequels to follow (it made almost $100M in a weekend from a $40M budget with another $150M overseas) they’ll address it.

LONELY MOVIE WEEKEND CHOICE #2
Now, if opening 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day was perfect programming to grab the lonely, sexually frustrated female audience, then opening Kingsmen: The Secret Service was equally perfect counter programming to get the lonely, angrily sexless male audience. Both were counting on an audience that would be dateless this lover’s weekend and both were right and rewarded. The difference this is actually entertaining and delivered on what its source material promised: comedic, silly ultraviolence. This is based on a comic book series by Mark Millar and the best description of his work that I ever read was that it was something an angry 15-year-old would love, which is to say he understood the heart of superhero comics better than anyone else around him: angry virgins. This wasn’t a superhero comic but it still applies and carries over to the film. Our hero is a smart, capable guy, but the world is in his way (not his own personal choices). His chances to be better are derailed by the fact he’s such a good guy and had to take care of his mother, while she’s married to a guy who is a low level thug and beats her. Typical bullshit, geek self-serving-pity. Fortunately for him his father was a recruit of a secret intelligence agency and died in the field so one of its top agents feels a debt is owed and our hero is recruited to be James Bond times ten. His training begins just as The Kingsmen stumble upon a plot hatched by an insane corporate billionaire to save the world by killing most of the people one it. The violence is graphic but exaggerated deliberately to maximum silliness and there’s actually metatextual commentary on how dour modern secret agent films are, as opposed to the wonderfully silly ones with would be world conquerors in the conversation between the cool, bespoke secret agent Colin Firth and the eccentric megalomaniac (he plans mass genocide, but hates the sight of blood, and has an assassin sidekick with blades for legs) Samuel L. Jackson. Needless to say this is clearly a love letter to the crazier Bond films though believe it or not, even more British. The movie is actually partially driven by the class awareness that still exists in England to this day (both our hero and his dad are working class and their recruitment is considered an “experiment”) and ironically gives it a depth that it’s desperately trying to avoid in favor of simply being entertaining.

THAT 21ST CENTURY CAREER
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water is down to number three, followed by American Sniper at number four and Jupiter Ascending down to number five and starring in this is Mila Kunis who must have thought she grabbed the brass ring when she got the lead in a Wachowski big-budget science fiction action film. Clearly she didn’t read the script, which showed her as a princess who constantly needs to be saved along with a dozen other problems. While on one hand she’s actually having a somewhat successful career going from Oscar nominated, overrated indie fare like Black Swan to empty big budget vehicles like Oz The Great and Powerful to crass comedies like Ted and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (hell, she was even in the remake of Annie), on the other hand none of those were truly starring vehicles for her. She was the female lead alongside Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits which tanked (ironically her fiancée Ashton Kutcher’s version with Natalie Portman was hit) and now this where she is flat out the title character. Clearly it did not go well and while The Wachowskis are at fault, it won’t be the same black mark on Channing Tatum’s career (also equally varied) as it will be for her. You know, ‘cause she’s a chick and it’s an action movie. Forget they don’t actually allow her to be an action star, which is odd for them. Trivia: she played the younger version of Angelina Jolie in Gia.

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE CONTRACT YOU SIGNED, JON SNOW
The Seventh Son is down to number six is Seventh Son and also in this for about 5 minutes as a previous Seventh Son is Kit Harrington, limited as to the roles he can take when not shooting Game of Thrones as his contract doesn’t allow him to cut his hair! This is how he winds up here and in that Pompeii movie last year. Though I guess he could play a musician…or a poet…or just someone pretentious in the present day.

THE OTHERS
Paddington is down to number seven, followed by The Imitation Game holding at eight and The Wedding Ringer down to number nine.

CINEMATICALLY TRASMITTED DISEASE
Finally, Project Almanac closes out the top ten at number ten and this is part of a small genre empire Michael Bay is clearly building. He’s producer on this as he was on Ouija and The Purge films. Because their budgets are so low they’re pretty much guaranteed to make money, which means they will continue. He’s like a rash. An itchy ugly one that spreads the more you scratch it.

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