Tag Archives: Exodus: Gods and Kings

WE GOT COAL IN THE THEATERS THIS YEAR

29 Dec

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1. The Hobbit: Battle of the 5 Armies          Wknd/$ 41.4   Total/$ 168.5
2. Unbroken/Universal                                 Wknd/$ 31.7   Total/$ 47.3
3. Into the Woods/Disney                            Wknd/$ 31.0   Total/$ 46.1
4. Night at the Museum: Secret…               Wknd/$ 20.6   Total/$ 55.3
5. Annie/Sony                                              Wknd/$ 16.6   Total/$ 45.8
6. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pt. 1    Wknd/$ 10.8   Total/$ 306.7
7. The Gambler/Paramount                         Wknd/$ 9.3     Total/$ 14.3
8. The Imitation Game/Weinstein                Wknd/$ 7.9     Total/$ 14.6
9. Exodus: Gods and Kings/Fox                 Wknd/$ 6.8     Total/$ 52.5
10. Wild/FoxSearchlight                              Wknd/$ 5.4     Total/$ 16.4

I’LL TAKE “QUESTIONS NO ONE EVER ASKED” FOR A $100, ALEX
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies holds at number one and it’s bad enough that they stretched this out to three movies but they include a scene to set up the first Lord of the Rings movie, because it was killing you not knowing how Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen met. It’s so painfully contrived I’m surprised that Liv Tyler’s character doesn’t get mentioned as well.

WHILE I COMPLAIN HOW THE CABLE GOING OUT AGAIN IS KILLING ME
Unbroken opens at number two and this is the true story of a man who not only survived inhuman hardships (WWII, being shot down, Japanese prison camp), but also excelled in his personal life (Olympian). It’s supposed to be inspirational, but honestly it just kind of reminds you of what a loser you are. Yeah, you!

TO BE FAIR I DIDN’T SEE THE NON-SINGING LITTLE RIDING HOOD EITHER
Into the Wood opens at number three and I thought and considered seeing this given the obvious fantasy element (after all I did see that lame Jack & The Beanstalk movie last year), but I simply could not get over the musical part. Sorry, but if Gene Kelly isn’t dancing, I’m not down. I hate it even in animated movies. Somewhere down the line, for people to stop and start singing just began to rub me the wrong way. Bear in mind if I could sing my way though life I most certainly would. “Stop, wait a minute Mr. Postman/Did my package come from eBay/I was hoping to get it today…” I just don’t want to watch other people do it. Especially in that “musical theater” style.

THE SKILLS THAT PAY THE BILLS
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb is down to number four and honestly I can’t blame Ben Stiller for doing either these or those horrible Meet the Parents movies when films like The Secret Life of Walter Mitty just die on the vine. You tried, the public said no so you give them the crap they deserve and make sure your kids go to a nice college. I ain’t mad atcha.

ALSO KENNY ROGERS ISN’T IN IT
Speaking of musicals I will never see, Annie is down to number five, followed by The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 at six and The Gambler opening up at number seven and this briefly interested me, but I have a problem with movies whose plotlines are based solely on the protagonist stops making mistakes. If he stops being stupid, you have no movie. Needless to say, a movie about a man with a gambling addiction simply isn’t going to work for me. Yeah, I know it’s a compulsion he can’t help and I’m being uncharitable, but it’s not like he’s struggling with cancer or even a drug addiction where the body physically suffers. He’s just getting off on the rush. Not to mention any movie where Mark Wahlberg is playing a good-looking professor is straining my suspension of disbelief, starting with that good-looking part. Call him sexy, call him charismatic, but do not pretend he’s good looking, ‘cause he ain’t. He ain’t by his own admission, which, ironically, is one of the reasons I do like him. But in other movies.

ALTERNATE TITLE: UNGRATEFUL
The Imitation Game enters the top ten at number eight and this is based on the true story of the man who helped break he Nazi spy code and was later destroyed by a seriously ungrateful British government for being gay. Yep, nothing like that uplifting Oscar bait. Remember the Oscar requirements: mentally or physically disabled, addicted to something, gay or die. It helps in you can combine them and do it with an accent. This has at least three of those for star Benedict Cumberbatch.

TRIVA: IN THE 50’S THE EGYTIAN ARMY WAS USED IN THE FILM
Down to number nine, Exodus: Gods & Kings is getting hated all over the globe it seems. The Egyptian government just banned it for sucking. Okay, that’s not entirely true because then Transformers wouldn’t play there. It was banned for taking too many liberties with The Bible, aka “Enough with the lily white historical stories. No one in this damn thing looks like us and it takes place here!” On one hand I’d delighted to Ridley Scott fail, but on the other this will just push him back to trying to make more Alien movies for money.

CUTE BLONDE GOES FOR A WALK. PEOPLE PAY TO SEE IT.
Finally, Wild holds at number ten.

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IT’S FINALLY OVER

22 Dec

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1. The Hobbit: Battle of the 5 Armies       Wknd/$ 56.2     Total/$ 90.6
2. Night at the Museum: Secret…            Wknd/$ 17.3     Total/$ 17.3
3. Annie/Sony                                           Wknd/$ 16.3     Total/$ 16.3
4. Exodus: Gods and Kings/Fox              Wknd/$ 8.1       Total/$ 38.9
5. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pt.1  Wknd/$ 7.8       Total/$ 289.2
6. Wild/FoxSearchlight                             Wknd/$ 4.2       Total/$ 7.2
7. Top Five/Paramount                             Wknd/$ 3.6       Total/$ 12.5
8. Big Hero 6/Disney                                Wknd/$ 3.6       Total/$ 190.4
9. Penguins of Madagascar/Fox              Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 64.2
10. P.K./UTV                                             Wknd/$ 3.5       Total/$ 3.5

FREE AT LAST!
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies opens at number one and our long national nightmare is finally over. Seriously, the biggest complaint about these films even before they were made was that stretching the one novel into three films was a shameless money grab and nothing makes is clearer than this one. It’s like watching the final battle of Star Wars stretched out over three hours. You know Smaug, the dragon whose appearance single-handedly saved the second film? Dispatched in the first ten minutes. Now, you’re probably wondering why couldn’t that have been in the second film. What part of “shameless money grab” did you not get? The only thing I felt at the end of this film was a sense of relief that I’d never have to go through it again. Thankfully, the Tolkien family has refused to license the other books so we won’t have to…until they decide to remake them. You know they will.

NEXT UP: THE MUSEUM OF FURNITURE!
Speaking of shameless money grabs, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb opens at number two and the first film was only barely entertaining, so I didn’t come back for number two. Apparently I was alone in this because here comes number three and it looks awful. When a monkey peeing on people is one of your selling jokes you’re clearly out of ideas. They’re also running out of museums, because when you think America it’s New York and Washington (sorry, Chicago and don’t make me laugh, LA), which have been done and this is the London museum. What’s next? I’m pretty sure the Louvre doesn’t lend itself to wacky hijinks. I hate to say it, but the only good thing about Robin Williams’ death is that they can’t make any more of these. Oh, shut up. You were thinking it too.

PLUS I HATE EVERY SONG I’VE HEARD FROM IT
Speaking of remakes, this is the color-blind remake of Annie which is a good thing ostensibly speaking, but it’s still a musical so I still don’t care.

SUDDENLY EDWARD G. ROBINSON LOOKS GOOD
Exodus: Gods and Kings is down to number four and to give you an idea of how wrong-headed this movie is John Turturro is Seti. Yeah. That kid from Breaking Bad with the gravelly voice? Joshua. Yeah, it just keeps getting worse

HOLLYWOOD ROYALTY, BABY
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 is down to number five, followed by Wild jumping up to number six and also in this is Laura Dern. Hey, girl! Where you been? Oh, that’s right. On HBO. She’s been getting better notices for this than the star, which I’m sure is going over well given this was her comeback vehicle, not Dern’s.

HOW DID AUNT TOM FEEL ABOUT THIS?
Top Five is down to number seven while most of the film is good and I give it special points for taking not one, but two shots at Tyler Perry it unfortunately itself relies on distasteful cliché of far too many films from Black filmmakers: homophobia. This is coupled with the other sad cliché of romantic comedies that any rival for the lead characters affections not only lose, but fail in their own right. Gabrielle Union as Chris Rock’s reality star fiancée can’t just lose him, she has to be every horrible thing you expect Kim Kardashian to be. Rosario Dawson’s boyfriend likewise can’t just lose her to Chris Rock, he has to turn out to lying her to her this entire time as he’s actually gay, or at best bisexual. And the “big joke” is how she should have known by what he asked for in bed. Seemed he liked a little ass play, as if that makes a man gay. The same men who think this are the same guys who are obsessed with sodomizing their girlfriends. I got news for you, dude: ain’t nothing in her ass that’s not in yours, so if she can learn to enjoy it so can you. Of course we have see him naked on all fours begging for something to be shoved up his ass, ‘cause now he’s the bitch. Get it? Sigh. It’s really so far beneath this film I have trouble believing the otherwise intelligent Rock not only wrote it, but also filmed it, saw the footage and still didn’t see a problem. Then again, he also sees himself as a romantic lead.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST UNIVERSAL
Big Hero 6 is down to number eight, followed by Penguins of Madagascar at number nine and opening at number ten is P.K. Yeah, I don’t know what that is either. I’m guessing it’s either Christian or Indian. Yep, it’s the latter and seems to be some Forrest Gump type of tale about an idiot manchild who helps people learn what life is really about. See, this kind of shit exists all over the world. It’s not just us.

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THOU SHALT NOT TOP CHARLTON HESTON!

14 Dec

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1. Exodus: Gods and Kings/Fox                        Wknd/$ 24.5   Total/$ 24.5
2. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pt.1          Wknd/$ 13.2   Total/$ 277.4
3. Penguins of Madagascar/Fox                        Wknd/$ 7.3     Total/$ 58.8
4. Top Five/Paramount                                       Wknd/$ 7.2     Total/$ 7.2
5. Big Hero 6/Disney                                           Wknd/$ 6.1      Total/$ 185.3
6. Interstellar/Paramount                                   Wknd/$ 5.5     Total/$ 166.8
7. Horrible Bosses 2/WB                                     Wknd/$ 4.6     Total/$ 43.6
8. Dumb and Dumber To/Universal                 Wknd/$ 2.8     Total/$ 82.1
9. The Theory of Everything/Focus                   Wknd/$ 2.5     Total/$ 17.1
10. Wild/FoxSearchlight                                      Wknd/$ 1.6     Total/$ 2.4

LET IT BE WRITTEN. LET IT BE DONE.
Exodus: Gods and Kings opens at number one and why remake The Ten Commandments? You’re not gonna top Charlton Heston and Yul Brenner so why bother? Not to mention you’re living in a modern area where a lily-white cast playing non-whites is going to be examined, questioned and criticized, which this was. The animated version, Prince of Egypt made sure their leads were all nice and brown. I didn’t see it because I so love the Cecile B. DeMille version and look forward to it on TV every Easter. Yeah, I know I could just buy it, but it’s more fun to watch on TV. This, however, does not look enjoyable to watch much less fun. Add to this my dislike of Ridley Scott in general and you’ve got one less movie fare and apparently I was not alone because even though this opened at number one it was well below expectations. Good. Suck it, Scott.

WHEN TOM CRUISE CALLS, THEN YOU’LL KNOW YOU’VE MADE IT
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pt. 1 finally dips to number two and also in this is Natalie Dormer a woman who knows something about giant franchises and getting in on the pulse of something. She was the blonde who makes out with Captain America in the first film (she also bagged Thor in the film Rush), caught the Sherlock revival wave as Moriarty on the Elementary TV show and is also on Game of Thrones.  Her agents and/or manager truly deserve their cut, as this career is incredibly well-managed. But she hasn’t “made it” yet because a) she hasn’t grabbed a leading role yet and b) it not with a star more than a decade her senior. Oh, shut up. You know it’s true.

NO, THEY DIDN’T CHANGE IT IN ENGLAND
Penguins of Madagascar is down to number three and here’s a little trivia for you: when animated films go overseas they often get the biggest stars of that country to do the voices. So if you wonder why this is doing better overseas than here that may have a little something to do with it.

BE YOURSELF ISN’T ALWAYS GOOD ADVICE
Top Five opens at number four and often I’ve said that Chris Rock is such a bad actor he can’t even play himself (an affliction shared by Madonna and Mick Jagger). Well, he sadly proves it yet again in this film where he’s basically playing himself: a comedian who went from stand up to films (though the character’s superstar level and increasing desire to be taken seriously as an actor is more Eddie Murphy). It’s unfortunate because this is probably his best film work ever, but it’s constantly being undercut by his horrible performance in dramatic moments. He writes scenes that he can’t even come close to performing. Even a convincing eyeroll is beyond his capabilities, much less the depth needed to play a recovering alcoholic secretly terrified that the can’t be funny while sober. He’s not helped by the fact that everyone around him is more than capable of performing, many of them not just comedians who parlayed themselves into a film career but Saturday Night Live alums as well. In fact, it’s easier to name all the black SNL cast members who aren’t here than are (Eddie Murphy, Tim Meadow and Keenan Thompson most obviously). And for the last time, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOU KISS ANYONE! A former friend once differentiated between Chris Rock and Eddie Murphy in that Rock was simply “unfuckable.”

PURE HATRED: THE PERFECT CURE FOR THESE WINTER MONTHS
Big Hero Six is down to number five, followed by Interstellar at number six and that warm feeling washing over me is the pure schadenfreude for it gaining exactly one Golden Globe nomination. For score. It may be the first time I’ve ever respected them.

LIKE GIVING A MONKEY A DIAMOND
Horrible Bosses is down to number seven and grossly underused in this is Christoph Waltz who seems more than game as a man who is not just a horrible boss but also a horrible father on top of it, but he has the least amount of screen time. Way to make use of a two time Oscar winner, guys.

FROM THE RIDICULOUS TO THE SUBLIME
Dumb and Dumber To is down to number eight followed by The Theory of Everything beginning its Oscar run with four Golden Globe nominations including Best Actor and Actress.

YOU CAN’T STOP HER YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN HER
Speaking of Oscars, Wild enters the top ten and after some disastrous career moves that climaxed in a) stupidly saying she’d never be the star of an action movie (what do you think pays the bills, honey?) and b) choosing to be in This Means War, Reese Witherspoon is trying to turn the tide Matthew Conughey style with gritty indie work. She was even in one of his rebound films, Mud. You can’t get much grittier than a film called “Mud.” It seems to be working as the sole Golden Globe nomination for this film was for Best Actress, which is honestly the only reason it exists. This is not to say she’s not covering her bets, Hollywood style as she also released another racial “feel good” movie along the lines of The Blindside called The Good Lie. Also she originally optioned Gone Girl as star vehicle for herself, but had to settle for being a producer. Guess what film also received a nomination for Best Actress?

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