Tag Archives: Diane Keaton

WEAK MEN FEAR THE FINEST WINES

16 Nov

MBcaviar

1. Spectre/Sony                                     Wknd/$ 35.4     Total/$ 130.7
2. The Peanuts Movie/Fox                  Wknd/$ 24.2    Total/$ 82.5
3. Love the Coopers/CBS                    Wknd/$ 8.4       Total/$ 8.4
4. The Martian/Fox                              Wknd/$ 6.7       Total/$ 207.4
5. The 33/WB                                        Wknd/$ 5.8       Total/$ 5.8
6. Goosebumps/Sony                           Wknd/$ 4.7       Total/$ 73.5
7. Bridge of Spies/Disney                    Wknd/$ 4.3       Total/$ 61.7
8. Prem Ratan Dhan Payo/FIP          Wknd/$ 2.4       Total/$ 2.8
9. Hotel Transylvania 2/Sony            Wknd/$ 2.4        Total/$ 165.2
10. The Last Witch Hunter/LG          Wknd/$ 1.5        Total/$ 26.1

DRINK THE FINE WINE, MUTHAFUCKA! THE FINE WINE!
Spectre holds at number one and much has been made of Monica Bellucci appearing as a Bond girl actually Bond’s age. In fact, she’s actually older. This has only happened twice before. First, with Honor Blackman, who as Pussy Galore was also older than Sean Connery and Diana Rigg who was older than George Lazenby in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Know what else these two women have in common? Both were partners to John Steed on The Avengers TV show. Honor Blackman in fact was on the show before Diana Rigg. Sadly, both women played roles that were more integral to the plot than the one Monica Bellucci plays. Bond shows up, has sex with her and leaves. That’s it. It’s the 20-something blonde French girl who is the actual female lead here. Yet another of this film’s mistakes. It should have been reversed. When John McTiernan made The Thomas Crown Affair he fought to have an age appropriate female lead, insisting a middle-aged man (ironically, another Bond, Pierce Brosnan) wasn’t going to open up to a twenty-something. He was right.

BUT I GET IT. THOSE SONGS CAN BE ANNOYING.
The Peanuts Movie holds at number two and there are only two things I can think of that were missing from this movie (even the Kite Eating Tree shows up): Rerun, Linus & Lucy’s younger brother and the Snoopy Vs. The Red Baron songs by the Royal Guardsman. The latter stands out because a good portion of the movie is dedicated to Snoopy’s imaginary battles against The Red Baron.

LIKE REAL FAMILY YOU LOVE THEM WITHOUT SEEING THEM
Love the Coopers opens at number three and this is what you get opening a Christmas movie even before Thanksgiving. In fact, this is too good for it. And isn’t Diane Keaton getting tired of playing the matriarch to a family gathered for some occasion? But someone should have told her, if Olivia Wilde is in it, it’s gonna tank. Seriously, she’s basically the female Ryan Reynolds. Someone who seemingly has everything going for them, but couldn’t buy a hit. I gotta be honest: you’re both TV stars. You’re too generically attractive for the big screen, but would work on the small one. Go there and prosper.

THE ONLY TIME IT’S OKAY TO SAY THEY DO ALL LOOK ALIKE
The Martian is down to number four and also in this is Jessica Chastain, who also needed this to wash away her involvement with Interstellar. Not to mention a hit to balance out the flop that was Crimson Peak. No, that wasn’t her in Jurassic World, but you’re within your rights for thinking so. Even Bryce Dallas Howard has joined the joke of the two of them being mistaken for one another. Kate Mara is also in this, which I think violates the One Carrot Top Per Film Rule. Seriously. You will not see two redheads in a film unless they’re related somehow.

NOT TO MENTION THE TITLE SOUNDS LIKE A HORROR MOVIE
The 33 opens at number five and this is a-bit-too-late movie about those trapped Chilean miners from a few years ago. Honestly, this should have been a TV movie, because it’s something that’s interesting if done right, but not so much if people have to pay for it. Not to mention more people would have seen it.

VANITY THY NAME IS DUDE
Goosebumps is down to number six, followed by Bridge of Spies at number seven and Prem Ratan Dhan Payo at number eight. What is that you ask? Yet another Bollywood film crashing the top ten. Apparently this is based on The Prince & The Pauper. That’s all I know. Well, that and the fact film businesses all over the world are the same, as the female lead in this film is two decades younger than the male lead. Sigh.

THE KEY TO LONG-LASTING CAREER…AND MULTIPLE HOMES
Hotel Transylvania 2 is down to number nine and The Last Witch Hunter closes out the top ten at ten and with only $26M domestic and $84M worldwide, it’s safe to say that this $90M film is not giving birth to a franchise. Good. I want another Riddick movie anyway. Also in this is Michael Caine who is continuing his long-established policy of not choosing movies based on the quality, but on the paycheck and whether or not his character is alive at the end of the movie.

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CHICKS RULE!

27 Jul

susan-sarandon 1. Lucy/Universal                                              Wknd/$ 44.0   Total/$ 44.0
2. Hercules/Paramount                                    Wknd/$ 29.0   Total/$ 29.0
3. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox          Wknd/$ 16.4    Total/$ 172.1
4. The Purge: Anarchy/Universal                   Wknd/$ 9.9      Total/$ 51.3
5. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                     Wknd/$ 9.3      Total/$ 35.1
6. Sex Tape/Sony                                               Wknd/$ 6.0      Total/$ 26.9
7. Transformers 4/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 236.4
8. And So It Goes/CE                                        Wknd/$ 4.6      Total/$ 4.6
9. Tammy/Warner                                             Wknd/$ 3.4      Total/$ 78.1
10. A Most Wanted Man/RA                           Wknd/$ 2.7       Total/$ 2.7

LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DOLLARS…
Lucy opens at number one and this is the latest from Luc Besson who is no stranger to badass female action movies. His first big hit was the original La Femme Nikita, which made such an impact that they’re still remaking it almost 25 years later. He was also behind his then wife’s (Mila Jovovich) entry into the action world with The Fifth Element. He’s also the name in action films in Europe as the producer behind everything from The Transporter to Taken to B13 (which was remade as Brick Mansions here with him still on as a producer) to Kiss The Dragon. In addition he wrote Bandidas with Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz as well as Colombiana. Now that you know the scope of his power and influence, you understand why his movies seem to be getting worse with time. There’s simply no one who can tell him “No.” That his wife is the producer doesn’t help. The idea of Lucy is great: a woman forced to be a drug mule develops superhuman powers when the bag inside her bursts and the new drug floods her system. The downside is they’re also killing her at the same time so she needs more of it to survive and keep growing. Unfortunately the film begins to fumble almost immediately with hamfisted intercutting of a gazelle being pursued by cheetahs with Lucy being caught by the drug dealers. You know, just in case you didn’t get it. While it mercifully never returns the film just finds other ways to fail. Starting with Lucy walking around with a gun in full view in a hospital with no one noticing. Bear in mind, she’s already twice as smart as a normal human now, to the point she can heal herself and read a scan of a man’s brain to determine if his tumor will kill him, but it never occurs to her to try and hide the gun. Also, when she returns to the ruthless drug dealer’s home to get information about the other mules, she kills all his henchmen, but not him. Why not? Because if she does, he won’t be able to chase her across the globe and shoot up Paris, that’s why. And why is she after them in the first place? If the drug is created in Taiwan, why not simply go to the source and get an endless supply? Smart question for a stupid, stupid movie. They even introduce her concern of her fading humanity…never to broach it again, even as she’s causing no end of damage and most likely civilian casualties speeding through Paris. The film doubles down on the ineptitude by having the cop with her also have no concern for his fellow officer or civilians she’s hurting. Bear in mind she insists he come with her so she can remember what it means to be human. Clearly she picked the wrong dude. Ironically, it’s a bit sad that a crummy action movie with a female lead can do just as well as a crummy action movie with a dude. But it does means Hollywood is all out of excuses not to make more. Hopefully not so crummy.

SOMEWHERE KEVIN SORBO IS LAUGHING
Opening at number two—which is quite frankly too good for it—is Hercules from the painfully untalented director, Brett Ratner. Seriously, you people have a lot to answer for having made him successful with those awful Rush Hour movies. Why do I know this sucks beyond the obvious reasons even though I didn’t see it? There are no labors. Seriously. All the commercials and previews you’ve seen with the Hydra, Neiman Lion and the Boar? All happen in the first five minutes as part of a story his nephew is telling to promote Hercules. He’s not the son of Zeus. He’s just some guy with a good PR man. Seriously. How on earth did this even get made!?! How did it leave the first meeting when the basic premise is, “He’s not the superhero of myth and he’s not going to do the very things which are the only reason we even know his name today.” How!?! And in case you were wondering why The Rock’s career never really took off you have your answer. He saw this script and thought it was a good idea. Just like all the other clearly-obvious-to-anyone-else awful movies he’s done. Yes, he’s still found a measure of success, but did not become the heir to Schwarzenegger that even the man himself thought would happen (did you miss Arnold’s cameo in The Rundown?). This is why. All the personal charm in the world cannot overcome these horrible, horrible choices. Which have just led to his ass being kicked by a 5-foot-blonde.

SHE’S A WONDER
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number three and also in this is Keri Russell and to keep our theme of female action heroes going, she was the voice of Wonder Woman in the direct-to-video film a few years back. You should really check it out. It’s not perfect, but no worse than most theatrically released superhero movies. And definitely better than freaking Lucy.

LIKE GIVING DIAMONDS TO AN APE
The Purge: Anarchy is down to number four, followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue at number five and Sex Tape down to number six and also wasted in this is Rob Corddry. How do you waste Rob Corddry as a wacky neighbor with a sociopath kid? They found a way.

YEAH, BUT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?
Transformers: Age of Extinction is down to number seven with And So It Goes opening at number eight and honestly if I’d known this opened this weekend I might have seen it, but I saw not one single commercial for it. No wonder Michael Douglas was so hot to get into a superhero movie if this is how he’s being treated these days. The man’s got Oscars on both sides of the camera and was once a license to print money. His leading lady is none other than Diane fucking Keaton. Rob Reiner who directed The Princess Bride is the director. Show some respect and promote this damn thing! No matter how much it probably sucks.

SEXY PEOPLE DOING THE SEXY
Tammy is down to number nine and also in this is Susan Sarandon who just admitted she hooked up with David Bowie when they were making The Hunger. That’s the kind of celebrity hook up that just makes you smile. Good for both of them!

AND A MARTINI, SHAKEN. NOT STIRRED.
A Most Wanted Man opens at number ten and this is Philip Seymour Hoffman’s final film in a leading role (which suggests there may still be other films yet to be released). It’s based on a John le Carre novel, which means it’s about real spies in the real world, which means I have no interest in it. Give me babes, quips and invisible cars, thank you very much.

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F. SCOTT FITZGERALD VS. STAN LEE!

12 May

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-Hasse-Nielsen-Cover-Men-03

 1. Iron Man 3/Paramount                            Wknd/$  72.5           Total/$ 284.9

 2. The Great Gatsby/Warners                     Wknd/$  51.1            Total/$   51.1

 3. Pain and Gain/Paramount                      Wknd/$   5.0            Total/$  41.6

 4. Tyler Perry Presents Peeples/LGF         Wknd?$   4.9            Total/$    4.9

 5. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$   4.7            Total/$  84.7

 6. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$   3.9            Total/$  81.7

 7. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   3.6            Total/$ 173.2

 8. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   2.5            Total/$  18.7

 9. Mud/                                                             Wknd/$   2.3            Total/$    8.4

10. Oz The Great & Powerful/Disney           Wknd/$     .8            Total/$ 230.0

 

WHY DO YOU THINK SPIDER-MAN CONSTANTLY LOSES HIS MASK?

Iron Man 3 holds onto the number one slot and there have been a few complaints from some people (aka, geeks and fanboys also known as “my people”) that he spends almost no time in the armor in this film.  Well, duh.  Newsflash, geeks: you’re the only people who want to see a CGI (which what 99% of all armor action is) action hero for two hours.  Everyone else wants to see the movie star playing him and since the basic nature of Iron Man prevents this, we have to find reasons to get him out of it. Not to mention the story itself is about the struggles of the man inside and how he is the hero, not the suit.  The best scenes of the movie are of him coping with bad guys without the armor, using only his wits and some homemade devices he puts together thanks to a trip to Home Depot (actually the store isn’t named and Home Depot missed out big time not getting their name in there). You’d think geeks above all would know if you don’t get the “man” part right then the “Iron” doesn’t matter, but I learned long ago geek pretensions of their intelligence are just that, nothing but pretensions.  The odious Iron Man 2 had him in the armor constantly and it was as tedious as it gets.

 

HEY, I READ MOBY DICK, SO SHUT UP!

The Great Gatsby opens at number two and I must confess that I escaped high school without reading this. In fact, I’m a little ashamed just at how many things I escaped high school and college without reading given I wound up with a freaking degree in English.  But that’s not why I didn’t see this. I didn’t see it because I’m usually less-than-impressed with Baz Luhrmann and giving him over two hours of my life for him to make a classic work feel contemporary (translation: hip-hop and dance music on the soundtrack) while keeping it in a period setting didn’t seem like a good thing to do with my life.  Not to mention it looks horribly…garish, like someone over-using his HDR program.  A lot of brightly colored excess for the sake of brightly colored excess.  It looks like it should have been a musical (I had this idea before Smash and am thinking of suing them) and THAT I would have been down to see. Have them sing the modern songs instead of merely having them in the background. It would have been a disaster to be sure, but a gloriously get-drunk-and-see-it-with-your-friends disaster. Who wouldn’t want to see Leonardo and the cast break out into “Love Is The Drug.” Could he really be worse than Russell Crowe in Les Miz?

 

YOU CAN DO BETTER. WE CAN ALL DO BETTER.

Pain & Gain drops one notch to number three, followed by Peeples opening at number four and yes, I know that Tyler Perry didn’t write or direct this, but his name is on it (it’s also known as Tyler Perry Presents Peeples) and that’s good enough for me to completely ignore its existence, despite the appeal of Craig Robertson.  Dude, you’re part of the Apatow crew. Why are you here?  Not to mention, I didn’t care too much for Meet The Parents the first time around.

 

BIG PRETTY HAIR OF A MAN

42 is down to number five, followed by Oblivion at number six and also in this is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and how he got in is a miracle given he’s younger, taller, better looking and with better hair than Tom Cruise.  Every time you see him, you wonder, “Why isn’t he the star of this movie again?” He’s best known now from Game of Thrones, but since I don’t watch that (it was up against a new King Arthur retelling on Starz when it debuted and I made my choice WITH NO REGRETS) I know him as Paul Bettany’s best friend in Wimbledon and as the star of the short-lived show, New Amsterdam, where he was an man cursed with immortality by a Native American when he came there with the Dutch in the 1600’s.  He can only die when he finds his one true love.  The problems with this are obvious, starting with if the Native Americans had that kind of power shouldn’t they have been using it to save themselves?  Pretty sure an army of immortal warriors would have solved that illegal immigration problem right quick.  It only ran 8 episodes so I doubt if even he remembers it.

 

SHE CAN TRULY SAY “THINGS WERE BETTER WHEN I WAS YOUNG”

The Croods is down to number seven, followed by The Big Wedding at number eight and you have to wonder what someone like Diane Keaton thinks of these actresses she works with, given when she was their age she was making Annie Hall and Looking for Mr. Goodbar and they’re making…this.  True, Amanda Seyfried does her fair share of indie work and will be the star of Lovelace this fall looking for some edgy Oscar love, but still…she’s here.

 

SURVIVAL OF THE PRETTIEST

Mud is down to number nine followed by the giant herpe of spring films, The Great and Powerful Oz and it’s both ironic yet totally logical that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were supporting players on That 70’s Show but have enjoyed the most success compared to stars Topher Grace (he’s in The Big Wedding and she was in a TV show based on Chelsea Handler’s life; nuff said) and Laura Prepon who were ostensibly the stars. However Kunis and Kutcher were easily the most attractive and we kind of expect more success from them, no?

 

 

DUMB & DUMBER WAS TAKEN

28 Apr

victoria-secret-models-1050x1680

 1. Pain and Gain/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 20.0            Total/$  20.0

 2. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$ 17.4              Total/$  64.7

 3. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$ 1o.7              Total/$  69.1

 4. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   7.5              Total/$    7.5

 5. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   6.6              Total/$ 163.0

 6. G.I. Joe: Retaliation/Paramount            Wknd/$   3.6               Total/$ 116.4

 7. Scary Movie 5/Dimension                        Wknd/$   3.5               Total/$  27.5

 8. Olympus Has Fallen/FD                           Wknd/$   2.8               Total/$   93.1

 9. The Place Beyond the Pines/Focus         Wknd/$   2.7               Total/$   16.2

10. Jurassic Park 3D/Universal                    Wknd/$   2.3                Total/$   42.0

 

HEIDI KLUM AS MRS. MARCH

Pain and Gain opens at number one and these are dark times when Michael Bay can have a success with “real” movie meaning one about people and without copious CGI and explosions.  Next, he’ll be doing period dramas and don’t think they won’t let him. “Michael Bay Presents Little Women starring this season’s line up of Victoria’s Secrets models as Jo, Meg, Amy and Beth.”  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This is like feeding a stray cat.  He’ll never go away now.

 

ROTTEN IS AS ROTTEN DOES

Oblivion is down to number two and I’ve got little to add to 21st Century Movie Buddy’s estimation of this Outer Limits episode dragged out to two pretentious hours and that run time is easily the biggest problem.  There are lots of utterly stupid movies, but so long as they move at an interesting clip you don’t have time to sit back and ask why the cops in Chicago are the worst in the world, which is why Harrison Ford is a fugitive to begin with (basic forensic evidence would have proven there was someone else there). Here, you’ve got far too much time to wonder why because the premise so efficiently set up in the trailers and commercials is needlessly dragged out. You don’t need to show us Tom Cruise going through his routine as a tech then have him tell Morgan Freeman what he does. It’s redundant.  And if we see him going off for introspection in the wasteland once, we don’t need to see it twice.  It shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that this comes from a graphic novel that was never really written to begin with. Seriously. To circumvent the Writer’s Guild strike, this dirtbag writer/director pretty much betrayed his union by pretending he’d written a graphic novel to get around pitching the film, which was prohibited.  The end result: shit floats.  An unethical, untalented writer and director is rewarde with success.

 

LAWRENCE OLIVIER WOULD LAUGH IN BOTH THEIR FACES

42 is down to number three and also in this is Alan Tudyk best known as Walsh on Firefly and now Suburgatory as the wacky dentist/neighbor/best friend Noah. He plays an unrepentantly racist opposing ballplayer and he and the actor playing Jackie Robinson deliberately avoided being friendly due to their roles. Really? Whatever happened to fucking acting!?!  Remember that?  Why does everything have to be method?  Are you unable to use your cell phone too because they didn’t have them?  Do you turn down groupie sex because your character would?  Of course not. And actors wonder why people hate them.

 

PUTTIN’ THE BUSINESS IN SHOW BUSINESS

The Big Wedding opens at number four and have you noticed how all these wedding movies look exactly the same? All having established vets clearly looking for an easy paycheck and younger actors just happy to work with the big guns in multiple storylines centered around a wedding? Know why they keep making them? Because apparently no movie about weddings has ever lost money. It may not be a hit, but you won’t lose anything either.  I’ve no doubt some of them were also suckered into doing this after being told it’s a remake of a French film. Newsflash: the French make crap movies too.  The best thing about this movie will wind up being a drunken Diane Keaton talking about it on Ellen.  Unlike every commercial and trailer I’ve seen, that was truly funny.

 

LIKE MY HIPS, NUMBERS DON’T LIE

The Croods is down to number five, followed by GI Joe: Retaliation at number six and this means Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has two films in the top ten this week both apparently hits. I say apparently, because this one didn’t even make budget in the US and even when combined with overseas gross hasn’t reached the 3x budget rule of thumb to be profitable.  Likewise, Scary Movie 5  (down to number seven) didn’t even double its budget. I’d love to say this means the end of the franchise, but everyone knows evil never truly dies. Finally, while Olympus Has Fallen also feels like a hit, a $70M budget with only a $98M worldwide return says otherwise.  This may have been too little, too late for Gerard Butler’s leading man career.  Looks like it’s back to supporting Christian Bale and Angela Jolie.

 

A JOB WORTH DOING…

A Place Beyond the Pines is down to number nine and also in this is Ray Liotta who seems to always be playing corrupt cops. Sadly, when your name ends in a vowel you tend to have only three options: cop, criminal, cop who is a criminal.  Hell, DeNiro and Pacino are still doing it in their 70’s.  That said, watching him in one of a crew of some of the dirtiest cops ever in the movie Phoenix (it’s set in Phoenix, AZ) isn’t the worst thing you can do on late night cable.  Co-starring is Anthony LaPaglia who has played just as many cops, criminals and corrupt cops. I wonder if they joked about it on-set?

 

THE END…AT LEAST UNTIL THE SMELL-O-VISION RELEASE IN 2016

Finally, Jurassic Park 3D closes out the top ten at number ten.