Tag Archives: Deliver Us From Evil

TOO MUCH MONKEY BUSINESS FOR ME TO BE INVOLVED IN

13 Jul

eric-bana-001

1. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox               Wknd/$ 73.0       Total/$ 73.0
2. Transformers 4/Paramount                             Wknd/$ 16.5       Total/$ 209.0
3. Tammy/Warner                                                  Wknd/$ 12.9       Total/$ 57.4
4. 22 Jump Street/Sony                                         Wknd/$ 6.7         Total/$ 172.0
5. How To Train Your Dragon 2/Fox                  Wknd/$ 5.9         Total/$ 152.1
6. Earth to Echo/Relativity                                   Wknd/$ 5.5         Total/$ 24.6
7. Deliver Us From Evil/SGem                             Wknd/$ 4.7         Total/$ 25.0
8. Maleficent/Disney                                              Wknd/$ 4.2         Total/$ 222.0
9. Begin Again/Weinstein                                     Wknd/$ 2.9         Total/$ 5.3
10. Jersey Boys/Warner                                         Wknd/$ 2.5         Total/$ 41.7

I’M JUDGING YOU, MONKEY (GRANDMA’S BOY REFERENCE)
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes opens at number one and honestly I care even less for this than I did for Transformers: Age of Extinction. I’m not going to get up on my high horse and proclaim the original series defacto better, because honestly I wouldn’t know. I never saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes because of one simple reason: all of this rests on a bunch of monkeys armed only with sticks and stones somehow not being gunned down immediately while rampaging through the streets. That suspension of disbelief I simply cannot give and I watch movies about men in capes who fight unarmed against men with machine guns. That’s how utterly stupid I find that premise. And this film being a sequel to that…nah. I’d rather stay home and read about men in capes who fight unarmed against men with machine guns. Granted, now there’s a logical reason why humans can’t wipe out the apes (a plague that began at the end of the first film has wiped out most of humanity) it all still depends on that first group of apes simply not being gunned down by a handful of cops. The best rationale for this I’ve read is that in any other place but leftist San Francisco it would have happened. That’s funny because it’s true. Only in SF would PETA have enough clout to utterly doom humanity.

SOMETIMES A BRUTHA JUST NEEDS TO GET PAID!
Transformers: Age of Extinction is down to number two and I can only think Stanley Tucci is here to pay for his theater and indie film work. Yeah, that’s what I’ll tell myself. Then again, that’s what I told myself about John Turturro and what did he do with his Transformers money? Make a skeevy vanity project about how Sharon Stone and Sofia Vergara would pay him for a threesome. Please don’t do that, Stanley. Please?

ACTUALLY, THE DIRECTOR SLEPT WITH HER TO GET HIS JOB
Tammy is down to number three and before anyone tells you this is a disappointment, know that it’s going to triple its budget domestically alone. Forget what people say about international gross. Studios can only get between 14 and 40% of that take, so domestic is still what matters so they’re very happy with this. Even better Melissa McCarthy’s husband directed it, so they’re building their only little family empire. More power to them.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHERE YOU GO GRAY FIRST!
22 Jump Street is down to four followed by How To Train Your Dragon 2 at number five and yes, four out of the top five films are sequels. Now, I’m not going to blame this for the reason this summer has been so disappointing on sequels and sequels to a reboot. If we were looking at sequels to Iron Man and Captain America, I wouldn’t be happier. No, this summer has been disappointing because I’m getting older and pickier even inside my own wheelhouse. Yeah, it took awhile, but it’s finally here. I flat out refused to see three of the four due to personal reasons, whereas there’s a 12-year-old geek inside me screaming his lungs out at all the big screen science fiction that we’re passing on. Sorry, kid but the old me needs more sleep than you ever did. Oh, and we can’t ride rollercoaster’s anymore either.

ALL THAT’S MISSING IS A CANDY TIE-IN
Earth to Echo is down to number six and while this technically isn’t a sequel or a reboot but it might as well be also adding to this summer’s disappointment. It’s also a found footage movie, because it’s shot from various cameras in the film. Not that you needed another reason not to see it.

SAM WORTHINGTON HAS HAD MORE SUCCESS AND YOU KNOW THAT’S WRONG
Deliver Us From Evil is down to number seven and you gotta feel for Erica Bana. He has leading man written all over him, but the work keeps letting him down, from The Hulk to Troy to The Other Boleyn Girl to The Time Traveler’s Wife. The killer is that he was a good actor in a superhero movie before it was cool. His director here, Scott Derrickson, is going to helm the Doctor Strange movie and there’s talk his co-star Edgar Ramirez will have the role. I think Bana would actually be better. Besides, the universe owes him one.

SPOILERS ARE MUSIC TO MY EARS
Begin Again enters the top ten at number nine and I couldn’t be happier. Yes, it’s a bit of fairy tale, but like I said, fuck that grim indie bullshit. It’s summer. Also here (but mercifully only moments) is Cee Lo as the kind star who helps the down on his luck Ruffalo for old time’s sake. Like I said, fairy tale. I also don’t get why Ruffalo needs to have an old Jaguar that he drives in the city!?! It would have made so much more sense if he actually sold it to pay for making Keira Knightley’s album. Oh, I promise a spoiler. You ready? You sure? Here we go…3…2…1…Ruffalo and Knightley never hook up. Yes, we finally have a movie where a broken middle-aged man isn’t magically healed between the thighs of a younger woman. More than that, he actually goes back to his wife played by the wonderful Catherine Keener. They definitely toy with them confusing being in love with making the music with being in love with each other, but just when you think it’s about to happen, it’s wonderfully and humorously derailed, never to return.

WE JUST WEREN’T READY FOR PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
Ironically enough, as one good movie about musicians enters the top ten, a mediocre one leaves, as Jersey Boys closes out the top ten at number ten. You now what would have saved this film? If they made it a flat out real musical and allowed Christopher Walken to sing and dance. No, I’m not kidding. I think more people would have paid to see that that than this as it is.

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NO, NOT A REMAKE OF THE DEBBIE REYNOLDS MOVIE

6 Jul

tammy-bachel_ger_58_a 1. Transformers 4/Paramount                    Wknd/$ 36.4      Total/$ 174.7
2. Tammy/Warner                                         Wknd/$ 21.2      Total/$ 32.9
3. Deliver Us From Evil/SGem                    Wknd/$ 9.5       Total/$ 15.0
4. 22 Jump Street/Sony                                Wknd/$ 9.4       Total/$ 158.9
5. How To Train Your Dragon 2/Fox         Wknd/$ 8.8       Total/$ 140.0
6. Earth to Echo/Relativity                          Wknd/$ 8.3       Total/$ 13.5
7. Maleficent/Disney                                     Wknd/$ 6.1        Total/$ 213.9
8. Jersey Boys/Warner                                 Wknd/$ 5.2        Total/$ 36.7
9. Think Like A Man Too/SGem                 Wknd/$ 4.9        Total/$ 57.2
10. Edge of Tomorrow/Warners                Wknd/$ 3.6         Total/$ 90.9

LIKE A TECHNICALLY PROFICIENT GUITAR PLAYER WITH NO SENSE OF MELODY
Transformers: Age of Extinction holds at number one and if you want to know why Michael Bay sucks but lack the film literacy than “It makes my head hurt” then watch the analysis of Tony Zhou wherein he breaks down the method to the madness. Simply put: Bay tries to pack as much into every scene as he possible can. Now on one level that makes sense when you’re dealing with giant robots fighting, but the problem is he’ll do it with two people talking and a scene with two people talking only needs to be about that conversation. Even when it’s just two robots talking it still needs only to be about that conversation, but with Bay it’s them the sky, the building and whatever the hell else he can cram into it with a camera that’s always in motion. But the analysis is only about the narrative of the film itself, not exploring why the screenplays are equally horrible. Nor does it delve into Bay’s need to have women appear in white or beautiful women in tight skirts, high heels and lots of cleavage in the background (cough “casting couch” cough). That’s fine if the character is visiting a modeling agency, not the Defense Department, but like all of his shots Bay likes to put things were they don’t belong.

A PROUD HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPE, ER, TRADITION
Tammy opens at number two and like many a performer who has shone as sidekick or supporting character, Melissa McCarthy is not my idea of a lead because a little of her goes a long way. Not to mention the whole “dumb, fat slob” genre of comedy has always left me cold. I didn’t care for it with John Candy or Chris Farley or Jack Black and I don’t care for it here. It’s not helping that the advertising is leaving out that her character is in fact reacting to the failure of her marriage which suggests there’s a little more going on. Nonetheless, I wish her as much success as every fat bastard we’ve ever had to endure onscreen (it cost $20M and made $32M its first five days). I’m just not gonna help with it.

SCHIZOPHRENIA? NO WAY. IT’S SATAN!
Deliver Us From Evil opens at number three and this is yet another “inspired by a true story” movie complete with the actual police officer involved turning up in the ads for it, which only makes me think the requirements to join NYPD aren’t as strenuous as they might be. Then again, you don’t want to be the only police department to ask, “Do you believe in ghosts and demons” on the application. While this does fall technically under the “I Don’t Do Scary” rule it doesn’t look the slightest bit scary to me because it just seems so. stupid. Honestly, I’d respect it more if they hadn’t insisted it was based on real events, which means “serious psychological issues misinterpreted by religious nutjobs.”

THEME SONG: “TURN ON YOUR CELL PHONE LIGHT”
22 Jump Street is down to number four, followed by How To Train Your Dragon 2 at number five and Earth To Echo opening at number six and is Spielberg getting a check for this? It’s so clearly e.t.: The Extra Terrestrial for the camera phone generation it’s not even funny. You know how whenever Paul Rudd appears on a Conan O’Brien he keeps tricking Conan by showing footage from the painfully obvious e.t. rip-off Mac and Me? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if next time he uses this.

SADLY THIS DIDN’T STAY IN VEGAS
Maleficent is down to number seven followed by Jersey Boys at number eight and Think Like A Man Too at number nine and also in this ensemble cast are Wendy Williams, Floyd Mayweather Jr, Ronald DeVoe (from New Edition and BBD), Ndaamukong Suh, Cheryl Hines, Carl Weathers and Kelsey Grammer? There are Love Boat episodes with a less diverse collection of people. What the hell? You think it was anyone who just happened to be in Vegas when they filmed this? “Hey do a scene and we’ll give you a few grand in chips.”

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BLAME COMPUTERS
Finally Edge of Tomorrow closes out the top ten at number ten and while people are looking for some reason to blame this disappointing return of a mostly positively reviewed movie on Cruise fatigue (no one really turned out for Oblivion last year either) I’m gonna put it down to the exo-skeleton armor they wear. Don’t ask me why, but even I, a science fiction and comic book loving geek who sees it all the time in print was oddly put off by it. It’s just unappealing visually. Equally unappealing were the CGI aliens. Honestly if there’s any fatigue at play here, it’s excessive CGI monster fatigue. They all look the same, like a swirling mass of pixels. Not so much threatening as boring.

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