Tag Archives: comic book movies

THE WEEKEND WHERE NO ONE CARED.

7 Sep

zoe-saldana
1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 294.6
2. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par            Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 174.6
3. If I Stay/WB                                                    Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 39.7
4. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                          Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 66.6
5. The November Man/Relativity                    Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 17.9
6. As Above/So Below/Universal                    Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 15.6
7. When The Game Stands Tall/TS                 Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 23.5
8. The Giver/Weinstein                                     Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 37.8
9. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney          Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 45.7
10. Lucy/WB                                                        Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 121.2

COLOR BLIND
Guardians of the Galaxy holds at number three and also in this is Zoe Saldana and you have to wonder if it has escaped her that she’s been basically unrecognizable in two giant science fiction hits. First, she was a big blue CGI creature in Avatar and here she’s a green alien. I’d be a little worried, but apparently she isn’t, as she’s given to stupid statements like Obama being in office means she doesn’t have to worry about race in casting. Yeah, she needs to have a coffee with Jennifer Beals about this before the Marvel Movie Money Train runs dry. Maybe Rae Dawn “I’m Not Black” Chong can join them. Better yet, Andy Serkis. You know him, right? No? He was Gollum in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, not to mention Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Yeah, that’s what being covered in science fiction and fantasy films does for you. Or does anyone want to tell me about Anthony Daniels’ great career? He was C3PO. This is sad because I kinda like how she said, she fucked somebody on the train from Coney Island because she was “ghetto like that.”

ISN’T MELODRAMATIC TEEN A REDUNDANCY?
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles holds at number two, followed by If I Stay at number three and this snuck in under the wire to be a summer hit, $33M domestic from an $11M budget, so it may be time for me to get to writing a Young Adult novel, because between this and The Fault In Our Stars, the YA movie genre has expanded beyond science fiction (Hunger Games, Divergent) and Fantasy (Twilight, Harry Potter). Of course I may be out of my depth given this new moneymaking genre is “Tragic Teen Girl.” This comes not a moment too soon for Chloe Grace Moretz, who seemed primed for kid stardom with the unexpected success of Kick Ass due in no small part to her role as the foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty Hit Girl. The problem was, only adults saw it and not her needed audience: kids. To correct that, they sanitized Carrie down to a PG13, which only resulted in another failure. This is why you don’t let suits make decisions.

“IT” FLOATS
Also holding (no one went to the movies because they were busy watching football) at number four is Let’s Be Cops, and the downside of this success is that the no-talent writer/director, Luke Greenfield, will be allowed more chances to be mediocre. Don’t believe me? His track record includes The Animal (Rob Schneider, which says it all), Something Borrowed (Kate Hudson, which seriously says it all) and The Girl Next Door, which is currently the center of some attempted revisionist history of it being a good more that was merely overlooked, which is bullshit. That movie blew and looking at his resume, there’s no mystery as to why.

SOMEBODY’S WORKING OUT THEIR ISSUES
Down to number five is The November Man, starring Pierce Brosnan. It’s a movie about a retired secret agent who was the best at his job drawn into conflict with his successor. Gee, we aren’t still bitter about Daniel Craig, are we, Pierce? Apparently we are. What’s worse is also in this is Olga Kurylenko, who was actually in Quantum of Solace, so the bulk of her time on-set was undoubtedly spent being asked over and over again who her favorite Bond was (the correct answer is always “Connery”). I actually do like Pierce a lot and was tempted to see this, but it just looked a little too cheap. I mean like made for Cinemax cheap. Not to mention the really sad subtext going on. You can do better, dude. That Kevin Costner spy movie? That should have been you. I’d have seen it if it were you.

HOW DO YOU SAY “I DON’T DO THE SCARY” IN FRENCH?
As Above/So Below is down to number six and this is yet another found footage movie and honestly they sit right next to “I Don’t Do The Scary” as movies I just flat out refuse to see. Getting nauseous because of the shakey cam is not high on my list of things to pay for. Fortunately they are usually one and the same, thus avoiding two birds with one stone. This time it’s tourists in the catacombs below Paris who go into a part they shouldn’t go into and get what stupid people deserve. Sorry, but so many of these movies center on people doing what they are explicit told not to do that I’ve lost any sympathy. As far as I’m concerned their eventual horrible deaths are just Darwinism in effect.

AMERICA’S PASTIME: COUCH SURFING!
When The Game Stands Tall holds at number seven, followed by The Giver holding at number eight, followed by The Hundred Foot Journey holding at number nine. Like I said, everyone was home watching football. Okay, maybe some were watching the US Open as well. Maybe.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Finally Lucy returns to the top ten at number ten and given Zoe Saldana’s stupid statements, I hope someone points out to her that she was also the female lead in an equally stupid action film written and produced by Luc Besson (someone else directed): Columbiana. Only that tanked. Hard. The difference being, people could actually see Scarlett Johansson in her big Marvel movies. Well, that and she’s white, blonde and stacked but I’m sure none of that matters, right? OF COURSE IT FUCKING MATTERS, DUMBASS!

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THE SUPER HITS OF THE 70’S…IN SPACE!

4 Aug

cameron-diaz-posa-para-ensaio-fotografico-da-revista-esquire-de-agosto-de-2014-1404254395713_1280x898

1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                           Wknd/$ 94.0    Total/$ 94.0
2. Lucy/Universal                                                         Wknd/$ 18.3     Total/$ 79.6
3. Get on Up/Universal                                               Wknd/$ 14.0     Total/$ 14.0
4. Hercules/Paramount                                               Wknd/$ 10.7    Total/$ 52.3
5. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes/Fox                     Wknd/$ 8.7      Total/$ 189.3
6. Planes: Fire & Rescue/Disney                               Wknd/$ 6.4      Total/$ 47.6
7. The Purge: Anarchy/Universal                              Wknd/$ 5.6      Total/$ 63.0
8. Sex Tape/Sony                                                          Wknd/$ 3.6      Total/$ 33.9
9. And So It Goes/CE                                                   Wknd/$ 3.3      Total/$ 10.5
10. A Most Wanted Man/RA                                      Wknd/$ 2.7      Total/$ 2.7

Source: Boxofficemojo.com

K-TEL PRESENTS…
Guardians of the Galaxy opens strong at number one continuing the Marvel track record of movies that are both successful and actually good. As someone who knows far too damn much about comics, I thought this was a big risk and probably failure for them to take such obscure characters and make a movie based on them especially when there’s absolutely no springboard from the rest of their movie stable characters. In the comics, Rocket Raccoon first appeared in an issue of The Incredible Hulk, but that’s the most unsuccessful solo movie character so far (though Thor clearly wants that title with its not-bad, but not great either movies) so it was hardly coming from him. Nope. They just went for it and whoever said “go for humor first and foremost” deserves a freaking raise. Sorry, but that person gets it like no one else. This is basically a comedy that just happens to also be a science fiction adventure and if you wonder why Disney just went along with it, know that opens with the orphaning of a child. They probably just greenlit the damn film on reflex because of that. That child is then abducted by group of space pirates, growing up to become the outlaw who’d like to be called Starlord, only the rest of the universe kinda sees him as a joke and little more than a thief. Because he tries to cut the space pirates out of the deal of what he’s stolen, they place a bounty on his head. This is why Rocket Raccoon and Groot, the sentient tree come after him. Gamora the assassin comes after him because she’s supposed to be getting the object for her father Thanos (who was the guy you saw at the end of The Avengers who backed Loki). They all get arrested and thrown into prison where they meet the fifth member of their group, Drax the Destroyer, who’s after the main bad guy, Ronan the Accuser, for murdering his family. Ronan wants the object because if he gives it to Thanos, Thanos will destroy a planet for him. Needless to say, he eventually realizes that if he has the object he doesn’t really need Thanos. Our wacky group of thieves at best and murderers at worst band together to stop him. Laughs ensue. Seriously. After the downer opening required of every hero (check your heroic fiction, not to mention your comic books), it’s non-stop humor from Starlord dancing to “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone under the film’s title the doing an almost satirical take on Indiana Jones taking the idol in Raiders of The Lost Ark, to the last scene which also includes dancing and the music of Jackson Five. Unlike most films that shoehorn music in to sell albums, music is how Starlord (aka Peter Quill) hangs onto his memories of his mother. She made him mix tapes of her favorite music growing up and he was taken by the space pirates with his Walkman, which is why it remains a prize possession he risks his life to regain when they break out of prison. And now that I think about it, Captain America: The Winter Solider also effectively used music as prelude and a coda. Quite a step up from the first Spider-Man movie using freaking Nickelback.

BY THE WAY, THIS MOVIE BLOWS
Lucy is down to number two and also in this is Morgan Freeman…and that’s it for American actors, much less any you might know, but that’s par the course for Besson’s movies, which are made in Europe and Asia. I mean, who’d you know in The Transporter or Taken? Freeman plays the leading authority in the expansion of human brain function so Lucy makes a bee line for him after securing the rest of the drugs…and the sheer stupidity of going after those packages instead of going directly to the scientist who created it will never leave this film. Not to mention if he’s that good, he’s probably known if not infamous. Most of all it leaves an opening for a sequel no one needs, because if I hadn’t mentioned it, this movie sucks.

IT’S A LEFT HANDED COMPLIMENT FROM A DOUBLE EDGED SWORD
Get on Up, the movie biography of James Brown, opens at number three and Chadwick Boseman is in danger of falling into a gilded cage if this does okay in the end (opened well enough with $14M from a $30M budget) and becoming “THE black guy” you go to when casting a bio-pic whether or not he’s right for the role. Let me put it this way: I don’t know who should be playing Nina Simone, but I know damn well that Zoe Saldana whose skin has been darkened and is wearing a prostetheic nose is not her. You’ll know it’s a problem when he does the Michael Jackson story. I had a busy weekend, but I’m not sure this would have been on my list anyway. 1) I’m not big on bio pics and this looks as by-the-numbers as it gets and 2) I’m wary of any bio-pic that’s rated PG, especially someone like James Brown. Hell, my bio pic couldn’t be rated PG because I have a nearly pathological need to drop the “F-bomb” whenever possible. It’s part of who I am.

ONE DAY YOU’RE ALL GONNA GET WHAT YOU DESERVE…OR NOT
Hercules is down to number four and it couldn’t happen to a more deserving hack director. Truly. Though Zack Synder and Michael Bay seem unstoppable, on the bright side Brett Ratner and McG seem to be falling away. Ratner’s last hit was the third Rush Hour movie back in ’07 and while X-Men 3 wasn’t a total disaster he is seen as wrecking the franchise and his movie was literally undone by X-Men: Days of Future Past. There may be justice in the universe after all.

MEH, MEH & MEH
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is down to number five, followed by Planes: Fire & Rescue at six and The Purge: Anarchy at number seven.

THE WORD FOR TODAY IS “BEGRUDGINGLY”
Sex Tape is down to number eight and while I’m not the biggest fan of either Cameron Diaz or Jason Segel, I will give credit where credit is due. I branded him an ugly schlub who didn’t deserve leading roles and both he and other ugly schlub Jonah Hill needed to stay with in the sidekick department. But now he’s slimmed down and gotten better looking with age. If he can stop trying to fucking write, he might actually make a decent comedic leading man…so long as the female lead isn’t too beautiful. Speaking of not being too beautiful, I have to give it up to Cameron Diaz for playing the game like the men. She’s playing a decade younger than her actual age while doing with a male lead who actually is that age. Just like all the men do…though they stretch it out to literally two decades.

IT’S JUST DECEMBER DECEMBER ROMANCES FOR YOU NOW, PAL
Speaking of men making movies with female leads decades younger, Michael Douglas is the male lead here and having to kiss Diane Keaton must have been quite a shock for him as he’s been the poster boy for inappropriate aged leading ladies for the last 20 years. It irony being, like many in Hollywood, he’s a hardcore liberal, but notice how that doesn’t apply to sexual politics, especially when it meant sharing the screen with someone with just as many wrinkles. And he can’t even blame the producer as he’s been one since One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s all him, baby.

ONE FOR THE ROAD
Finally, A Most Wanted Man holds onto the number ten spot and that’s nice for Philip Seymour Hoffman’s legacy.

 

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