Tag Archives: Colin Firth

MAGNIFICENT DIVERSITY

26 Sep

m7
1. The Magnificent Seven/Sony         Wknd/$ 35.0     Total/$ 35.0
2. Storks/WB                                         Wknd/$ 21.8     Total/$ 21.8
3. Sully/WB                                            Wknd/$ 13.8     Total/$ 92.4
4. Bridget Jones’s Diary/Universal   Wknd/$ 4.5       Total/$ 16.5
5. Snowden/ORF                                  Wknd/$ 4.1        Total/$ 15.1
6. Blair Witch/LGF                               Wknd/$ 4.0       Total/$ 16.1
7. Don’t Breathe/SGems                      Wknd/$ 3.8       Total/$ 81.1
8. Suicide Squad/WB                           Wknd/$ 3.1        Total/$ 318.1
9. When The Bough Breaks/SGem    Wknd/$ 2.5       Total/$ 26.6
10. Kubo & The Two Strings/Focus   Wknd/$ 1.1        Total/$ 46.0

MAYBE THE NEXT TIME THERE’LL BE WOMEN OF COLOR
The Magnificent Seven opens at number one and do you know what every single remake of The Seven Samurai has in common? No matter how ridiculously inept they may be (I’m looking at you TV version which became a series), they’re still as entertaining as fuck. This is no exception. It’s not superlative in any way shape or form beyond making minorities the majority of the seven and making the people in need of help white rather than a bunch of Mexicans speaking accented English. In fact, it’s actually staggering in how shallow the characterization is, but if you know anything about Antoine Fuqua action movies that’s not surprising. Then again in the first western remake you really didn’t know anything beyond Yul Brynner or Steve McQueen or Robert Vaughn or James Coburn beyond some surface color (cool gunfighter, fancy dan gun for hire) and this is pretty much the same, so in fact it’s half-assing any attempt to give them depth that’s a problem. Either do it or don’t. There is no try. Honestly, what made them watchable before is the same as now and that’s the charisma that seasoned actors like Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke and Peter Skarsgaard (and movie stars like Chris Pratt and Byung-Hun Lee) bring to it. So if you want to watch good guy movie stars mow down lots of faceless stuntmen—and every action movie ever says you do—then this isn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon. However, if you think an action movie in 2016 should be a bit more sophisticated than a movie made in 1960 then perhaps it’s not.

SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE
Storks opens at number two and when small children in your audience keep making noise when the trailer for your animated movie comes up, then your movie is probably shit. No child anywhere ever went silent for Storks. It looks as unfunny as shit and only makes you count the days before the next Disney or Pixar movie.

SAVING US ALL
Sully is down to number three and its success returns Tom Hanks safely to his perch as “America’s Dad” after a series of misfires and keeps him away from playing Miles Teller’s dad one more day. Unfortunately its success also allows Clint Eastwood to remain safely in his position as “America’s Slightly Racist Sexist Grandfather Who Doesn’t Think He’s a Sexist Racist.”

YOU’RE LUCKY YOU HAD GRAY’S ANATOMY. SERIOUSLY.
Bridget Jones’s Baby is down to number four and while I loves me some Bridget Jones, I’ve never seen or read anything beyond the first book and movie (which are decidedly different but equally entertaining). Ironically, while there was no reason whatsoever for Hugh Grant to be in a sequel, Patrick Dempsey is such a poor replacement you wish they’d bent over backwards to find a way. There’s absolutely no way he’s competition for Colin Firth in anything, anywhere at any time. He is proof positive some people simply do not have the presence to occupy the big screen. Clooney can, Dempsey cannot. It’s just that simple. See you in your new show with a decade-younger wife in the fall of 2017.

AND SO IT BEGINS…
Snowden is down to number four and this signals the official beginning to Oscar-bait season. In other words, I’ll see it only once it’s been nominated by a body I respect (not you Hollywood Foreign Press). I have a firm rule against Oliver Stone so it has to be exceptional to make me break it.

ONCE AN INNOVATOR NOW JUST ANOTHER FACE IN THE CROWD
Blair Witch is down to number six and the movie that not only kicked off the “found footage” horror genre but “viral marketing” is back for another serving. It cost $5M to make and has so far made $15M. Of course if they were really smart they’d have waited until Halloween, but they’ve been out of the fame awhile. Needless to say I didn’t see it as I did not see the first and have only seen one “found footage” movie (Cloverfield) and regretted the shit out of it.

HAVE SOME GODDAMN STANDARDS FOR YOUR SCARY
Ironically, one of Blair Witch’s low-budget horror stepchildren is showing how it’s done in Don’t Breathe, which is down to number seven, but has made a whopping $91M off a paltry $10M budget. That’s fucking ridiculous. What’s wrong with you people!?!

YET ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THIS MOVIE
Suicide Squad is down to number seven showing ridiculous legs even in a weak movie season. So far it’s out-grossed Man of Steel while costing less and is only $12M away from Batman v. Superman’s domestic gross. To repeat: a superhero concept almost no one knows has outgrossed the most famous superhero ever and is gaining on the first ever screen outing of the three most famous superheroes ever. But the greatest sin is that it’s helping to sustain the career of Jai Courtney, aka Sam Worthington 2.0. Proof positive that no matter what Hugh Jackman and Chris Hemsworth have led you to believe, not all Australians are charismatic.

KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS
When The Bough Breaks is down to number nine, but like the other low-budget films on this list that is not the end of the world because it only cost $10M to make and so far has made almost $27M. Sadly I estimated 2o years ago that if you wanted to make Black films keep the costs $8-10M and you’d be okay and nothing has changed. If you’re not Denzel Washington or Will Smith keep it low. Or better yet, just stick to TV where the checks come every week for years like the lead of this, Morris Chestnut, has learned and the female lead, Regina Hall is hoping to learn with that shitty looking TV adaptation of Uncle Buck. Just ask Keenan on Saturday Night Live who has become the new Tim Meadows who did not become the new Eddie Murphy.

A PRETTY PICTURE OF FAILURE
Finally, Kubo & The Two Strings closes out the top ten at number ten and maybe this will teach these guys to stop trying to write their own stuff.

THE MOST WONDERFULEST TIME OF THE YEAR

The new fall season has started and because I love, love, loves me some TV I try to give every new show a shot. I mean unless it stars someone like Kevin James or Tim Allen or that douchey-looking guy from CSI who should have stuck with a sure thing and not let his agent blow smoke up his ass that he was some kinda lead. Especially in a show inspired by fucking Dr. Phil. But it’s on CBS and people who watch CBS will watch any. fucking. thing.

Atlanta: I was never a fan of Community. A little of that show went a long way and the jokes were always a beat or two off from truly being effective in my opinion. But I am a fan of Donald Glover and his music under Childish Gambino after avoiding it for years because of that stupid name. Also, being from Atlanta I had to give it a shot…and it is some good shit. Aside from the fact it’s getting a total pass on FXX for language (yes, the F bomb drops regularly) it’s wonderfully weird for the sheer sake of being weird and indulges in mercifully needed irreverent wit in black-centric TV shows, especially comedy. In a world where Michael Epps works far too much this is needed like oxygen. And the character of Darius is everything for me. He takes the weird sidekick beyond the one-note level of the average weird sidekick.

Designated Survivor: I have to admit this sounds more like the premise of a movie starring Larry the Cable Guy or Adam Sandler than a dramatic show much less a real thing, but it is very much a real thing and while I was just giving the show a cursory look, it hooked the shit out of me. They stacked the deck hard with Keifer Sutherland’s character as the the bleeding heart Housing Secretary (who was actually being fired by the president the day of the terrorist attack) who has to man up for a nation in chaos, but you know he’s going to and you want to see it happen. Even the improbably pretty and painfully thin Maggie Q as a seasoned anti-terrorist FBI agent doesn’t take away from it.

Lethal Weapon: I can’t help but think this is a way of pushing Mel Gibson out of public consciousness once and for all. After all, the first one came out in the 80’s and unlike the superior Die Hard hasn’t really continued into the new century for the kids to know it. At the same time it’s amazing it took this long for them to do it. Back in the old days a successful movie had a TV series based on it the next year, not 30 years later. But Keenan Wayans isn’t complaining. Last time you saw him he was playing his fully adult son’s father on Happy Endings about three years ago (sigh, has it been that long). At one point in his stand up years ago he joked about how his film career vanished. The show is as silly and disconnected from reality as the movies ever were so if you liked them, you’ll probably like this. I never liked the movies and in fact like this a bit better because it doesn’t ask you to take it all that seriously. It’s Bugs Bunny as an action hero and as stupid as it is, maybe a little less stupid than the movies. Certainly less ham-fisted.

The Good Place: Another show that seems more like a movie concept than a sustaining series turned out to have more to it that meets the eye. Kristen Bell is a pretty awful person who mistakenly gets into a neighborhood in heaven, but we learn heaven is far from perfect which is what saves it from being a dull show about her learning a lesson in sharing & caring each week. Not only is its designer, Ted Danson, enormously flawed, but even the other people there are a tad questionable. Best part: the sins and virtues that got people in and kept them out are hysterical as they’re on a point scale. Commissioner of any Sports Organization is a negative but being a devoted Cleveland Browns Fan is a positive. Being a vegan is a positive, but being a vegan who never reveals this unless prompted is even more points.

Better Things: I like all the tiny brunettes in Hollywood and Pamela Aldon is no exception and that she opens the show with her and another tiny brunette, Constance Zimmer, audition for the same role endeared this show to me instantly. The only way it could have been better would be to have Janeane Garafolo also show up. Granted, the world didn’t need yet another behind-the-scenes of the lives of show business people because they aren’t nearly as interesting to us as they think they are, there’s enough here worth watching as it’s just as much about her raising her three daughters and dealing with an English mother who lives across the street. That it’s yet another show that allows celebrities to play obnoxious versions of themselves is another plus. David Duchovny repays his Californication co-star in the third episode.

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THE FUN AND THE STUPID

6 Apr

Maggie-Smith
1. Furious 7/Universal                               Wknd/$ 143.6  Total/$ 143.6
2. Home/Fox                                             Wknd/$ 27.4    Total/$ 95.6
3. Get Hard/WB                                        Wknd/$ 12.9     Total/$ 57.0
4. Cinderella/Disney                                  Wknd/$ 10.3    Total/$ 167.3
5. The Divergent Series: Insurgent            Wknd/$ 10.0    Total/$ 103.4
6. It Follows/RTWC                                   Wknd/$ 2.5      Total/$ 8.5
7. Woman in Gold/Weinstein                     Wknd/$ 2.0      Total/$ 2.1
8. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox       Wknd/$ 1.7      Total/$ 122.3
9. Do You Believe/PFR                              Wknd/$ 1.5      Total/$ 9.8
10. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel   Wknd/$ 1.0      Total/$ 30.1

WE HAD STUPID FUN, LITERALLY.
Furious 7 (don’t ask me why it’s not Fast 7) opens at number one and this is the most over-the-top and ridiculous entry yet, which is saying something given we’ve seen a giant safe dragged through the streets of Rio and a tank on the highways of Europe. Let me put it this way: it opens with Jason Staham basically destroying a hospital single handedly while demanding they take care of his brother, who was the bad guy in Fast 6. Yeah, they’re really gonna see to him care now. It’s stupid fun with equal emphasis on both “stupid” and “fun.” Once again a government agency feels the need to recruit a bunch of criminals to do a job for them. In return they’ll help them find Jason Staham who is after the team for crippling his brother. At least this time they have Kurt Russell explain that “officially” that his agency was forbidden to do it themselves, so they need to outsource the job. Hell, all that’s missing is a tape saying if they’re caught the secretary will disavow any knowledge of them then self-destructing. Of course the only way Vin Diesel & Company can do a job is through an utterly ridiculous and convoluted use of cars, as if no other devices or options exist. This time it’s dropping muscle cars out of a C-4 transport plane to intercept an armored transport bus on a mountain pass. Understand that actual covert operative, Jason Statham manages to get there too without doing that and no one seems to notice. Also ignored are the basic laws of physics, but that happened once the series stopped so much being about racing and became an urban-Ocean’s-11-by-way-of-James-Bond. Ludcaris was once just a guy who set up races, but became a hacker genius, while Paul Walker who was a cop then FBI agent is now basically Jason Bourne, a master of hand-to-hand combat skills going toe-to-toe with Tony Jaa. Yeah, that guy from Jackie Chan’s stunt team who became a martial arts star in his own right. Watching it makes you think of when Bruce Lee fought Robin on the old Batman TV show. Extensive suspension of disbelief is required. Also ignored is basic biology as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson who falls out of building onto a car (with another person on top of him), heals himself and breaks out of his cast Hulk style to…no. Telling you would only ruin the ridiculous fun of it. Honestly it’s as much of a cartoon as anything you saw Bugs Bunny in, only here Bugs Bunny is played by Jason Statham and he wants you dead.

WORSE YET, IT WASN’T EVEN PIXAR
Home is down to number two and also a voice in this is…Jennifer Lopez. Ouch. You know it must have been sobering to get the call for this and be told you were supporting Rhianna (especially since JLo has that little girl voice). Hell, 20 years ago she was the hot 20-something, barely-can-sing pop star best known for being hot. And it hurts me that I’m old enough to remember this. I’m sure Steve Martin felt the same crushing touch of time when he was called and told that Jim Parsons would be the funny lead. Especially when Steve Martin at his peak was like Eddie Murphy at his peak, something Parsons isn’t even remotely close to. Not to mention Martin was and is actually funny, something The Big Bang Theory has never been.

BRITTANY MORGAN FAIRCHILD (YOU HAVE TO BE OLD TO GET THAT JOKE)
Get Hard is down to number three and also in this is Allison Brie, whom I keep confusing with Brie Larson even though one is blonde and one is a brunette and I’ve only ever seen one thing from either of them. Allison Brie is on both Mad Men and the horribly overrated (but still better than The Big Bang Theory) Community while Brie Larson was Envy Adams in the horribly underrated Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and was briefly also on the horribly overrated (but still better than The Big Bang Theory) Community. The only other difference is Allison Brie will pose in her underwear for men’s magazines, though I’m sure that’s not the sole reason she has a more successful career. I mean, Brie Larson is blonde and we know that matters more than anything.

VERSION 1A
Cinderella is down to number four, followed by The Divergent Series: Insurgent at number fit and I forgot to mention the star, Shaliene Woodley (buds with Brie Larson by the way), who is most often compared to Jennifer Lawrence, which she doesn’t understand. Well, honey, unless you can name another young female star heading a Young Adult science fiction novel based movie franchise who also has indie movie and Oscar cred under her belt then you need to suck it up. It’s not simply that you both have a pixie haircut. She also takes Jennifer Lawrence’s honest talk in interviews to a new level. Actually she takes it to a flat out, weird-ass hippie level about eating, clay walking around barefoot and sunbathing your vagina. Honestly, I can get behind that last one because I often feel my balls could use a little sunlight. Lead us (and our junk) out of the darkness, sister! But you or your agent or your manager should seriously be pitching a fit about the shitty photos in your Elle magazine spread. I mean, they made me feel better about the shitty photos I take, they’re so bad.

LITERALLY AN ART FILM
It Follows is down to number six, followed by Woman in Gold opening at number seven and this looks like yet another Hallmark Hall of Fame movie that escaped to the big screen. It’s based on the true of a woman who sued the Austrian government to get back a Klimt portrait of her aunt that was stolen by the Nazis in WWII while they insisted it was part of their cultural heritage, given that Klimt was Austrian. Now, I loves me some Klimt, but this just looks too antiseptic and filled with forced cuteness between Helen Mirren and trying-hard-to-comeback Ryan Reynolds, who at least seems to have learned that no one wants to see just him and he needs an actor with some actual weight beside him. And what’s heavier than an Oscar-winning English actress?

THERE AIN’T NOTHING LIKE SOME DAMES
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number eight, followed by Do You Believe at number nine (which always makes me think of that Huey Lewis song) and The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel at number ten and apparently Maggie Smith and Judi Densch are friends and have been for sixty years and doesn’t that just make perfect sense? Wouldn’t it be great for Maggie Smith to show up in the next Bond film as M’s sister and ask him why the fuck he got her killed? No, I will never miss an opportunity to tell you how much Skyfall sucked.

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THE OSCAR EDITION

23 Feb

50shades
1. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal            Wknd/$ 85.0   Total/$ 85.0
2. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox      Wknd/$ 36.2   Total/$ 36.2
3. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                    Wknd/$ 31.7    Total/$ 94.8
4. McFarland, USA/Disney                        Wknd/$ 11.3    Total/$ 11.3
5. The Duff/LionsGate                                Wknd/$ 11.0    Total/$ 11.0
6. American Sniper/Warner                      Wknd/$ 9.7      Total/$ 319.6
7. Hot Tub Time Machine 2/Par               Wknd/$ 5.8      Total/$ 5.8
8. Jupiter Ascending/Warner                   Wknd/$ 2.6      Total/$ 83.9
9. The Imitation Game/Weinstein           Wknd/$ 2.6      Total/$ 83.9
10. Paddington/Weinstein                         Wknd/$ 2.3      Total/$ 67.7

IT’S IN THE BLOOD
Fifty Shades of Grey holds the number one spot so bad reviews be damned! The best thing about this film is appropriately enough its leading lady, Dakota Johnson, daughter of Don Johnson and Best Actress Nominee, Melanie Griffith and granddaughter of Tippi Hedren. But it’s more than nepotism. The career graveyard is filled with the children of the famous (do I have to bring up Oscar winner Kirk Douglas’ other son again?). It takes more and she’s got it. Based on a bad book, a screenplay that does little to improve it and a leading man focused on struggling with his accent than anything else, she does what she can to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear and the fact she does as well as she does speaks volumes. In fact, it makes her look even more astonishing by comparison. Sometimes it’s better to be the best thing in a bad movie than the weakest thing in a good one. Doing this film was a smart move for her and passing on it was probably a mistake for Stephen Amell and Charlie Hunnam. Well, maybe no Hunnam as he’d still have accent problems, but from what I’ve been told, Amell is basically playing Christian Grey every week on Arrow.

SHOW HIM THE POUNDS!
Kingsman: The Secret Service holds onto the number two spot and as the preeminent Kingsman is Oscar winner for Best Actor, Colin Firth, in his first action movie, which is par the course for Oscar winners. Once you get the golden statue, you go get the real gold. We can call it the “Nicholas Cage effect.” He was all indie boy until winning Best Actor and he’s been a whore ever since.

WE’LL SEE WHAT STICKS
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water holds at number three followed by McFarland USA opening at number four and apparently there’s a film from Oscar Winning Director, Kevin Costner coming out every week now so if you don’t like the one last week, maybe you’ll like the one next week. But I sincerely doubt it.

NO OSCAR MENTIONS HERE
The Duff opens at number five and you know you’re getting old when you’re no longer interested in every high school movie that comes down the pike because you simply can’t relate any longer. Even when it’s Pygmalion story done again, you give it a pass. For example: you saw Can’t Buy Me Love and She’s All that, but you passed on Love Don’t Cost A Thing (the Can’t Buy Me Love remake) and this, which actually dares have an “Eliza” who’s not just traditionally pretty girl dressed down and in glasses like, well all the others.

IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE SAY ANYTHING
Oscar Winner for Best Sound Editing (which is to say shut-the-hell-out), American Sniper is down to number six, followed by its polar opposite, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 opening at number seven and how did this happen? The first one wasn’t any good! Now they’ve made an even worse one, so bad that even John Cusack wouldn’t come back for it. And if you think Cusack is some kind of actor with integrity, check out his IMDB page and get back to me. He didn’t need an Oscar to whore it up.

AT LEAST SOMEONE’S ASCENDING
Jupiter Ascending is down to number eight and now has an Oscar winning actor in its cast: Eddie Redmayne. Too little, too late. Now the big question: will he continue with indie style roles or will he…WHORE IT UP!?!

CONTRARY TO ACTOR BELIEF, THEY DON’T MAKE UP THE WORDS
Oscar winner for Best Adapted Screenplay, The Imitation Game, is down to number nine with Paddington closing out the top ten at number ten.

 

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FIFTY SHADES OF MARKETING

17 Feb

mila-kunis-08
1. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal Wknd/$ 85.0 Total/$ 85.0
2. Kingsman/Fox Wknd/$ 36.2 Total/$ 36.2
3. The SpongeBob Movie/Par Wknd/$ 31.7 Total/$ 94.8
4. American Sniper/Warner Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 304.2
5. Jupiter Ascending/Warner Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 32.4
6. Seventh Son/Universal Wknd/$ 4.1 Total/$ 13.4
7. Paddington/Weinstein Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 62.2
8. The Imitation Game/Weinstein Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 79.6
9. The Wedding Ringer/SGems Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 59.6
10. Project Almanac/Paramount Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 15.8

LONELY MOVIE WEEKEND CHOICE #1
Fifty Shades of Grey opens at number one and this wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Make no mistakes, it’s bad (the very fact the lead character’s name, Anastasia Steele, is presented without a hint of humor or irony tells you that), but just as my definition of good is a bit higher than others, so my definition of what sucks is much lower. Despite its attempt to seem modern and edgy, the story of 50 Shades of Grey (and Twilight for that matter) is the same one your mother and possibly grandmother have been reading in Harlequin novels for decades: stories of bad boy princes and pirates who are inexplicably brought down by the virginal heroine (yes, Anastasia is a virgin, because god forbid a woman have some actual idea about her sexuality) they cannot resist her. Only now rather than be tormented by the events of Spanish Civil War or The Crusades or whatever tumultuous time period those books were set, she’s now tormented by the hero himself. While the literary ancestor of Anastasia Steel (a name which would fit perfectly in those), had to fight her way through various kidnappings and the fall of the czar as she made her way from Moscow to Venice, this one has to deal with a lover who won’t let her actually sleep next to him or know his past and insist he’s bad for her while stalking her cross-country. Oh, and there’s the occasional spanking. Somewhere, trapped by the sexy pirate Taggart McGirth on his ship The Thruster, Constance Hymen rolls her eyes in disgust. Now, there’s an old rule of thumb that bad books can make good movies because you can change things and if any book need it, then this was it was this one. Unfortunately for them the author (and I use that term loosely) has a background in the entertainment business and she knows what happens to books, so her deal gave her a certain amount of control over the film. The end result is a film so empty and devoid of any sex appeal I was on the verge of reading it despite the many, many, MANY negative reviews saying how awful it was. My curiosity as how something so bland could be so successful consumed me, but then it dawned on me that’s probably why something that started off as Twilight fan fiction (it suddenly makes sense now, right?) could find such an audience. Because it was awful and simplistic, not despite it. Since when are we surprised that ineptitude soars while quality sinks? Surely not in this post-Twilight-Nicholas-Sparks age. But as empty as the books seemingly were they became even moreso when the opportunity to merchandise it took hand and the result is a movie that it so ironically chaste that beyond the nudity there are exactly two uses of the word fuck and absolutely no sucking dick. They wanted the built in audience these books contained, but at the same time wanted to keep them safe enough so as not to put off anyone and draw in even more people (preserving those marginal percentages that only business majors know or care about). Now that makes no sense given the audience would know exactly what and was isn’t in the books (“Where’s all the dick sucking!?! Where’s that tampon!?!”), but the end result is whatever tiny edge they had was dulled and you get something that looks like it escaped from the Lifetime network and into theaters. There is more graphic and honestly arousing sex on your basic cable show, much less pay cable. I mean, I know it’s the Pacific Northwest, but is it really so cool and temperate that no one sweats when they fuck!?! Maybe in the two sequels to follow (it made almost $100M in a weekend from a $40M budget with another $150M overseas) they’ll address it.

LONELY MOVIE WEEKEND CHOICE #2
Now, if opening 50 Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day was perfect programming to grab the lonely, sexually frustrated female audience, then opening Kingsmen: The Secret Service was equally perfect counter programming to get the lonely, angrily sexless male audience. Both were counting on an audience that would be dateless this lover’s weekend and both were right and rewarded. The difference this is actually entertaining and delivered on what its source material promised: comedic, silly ultraviolence. This is based on a comic book series by Mark Millar and the best description of his work that I ever read was that it was something an angry 15-year-old would love, which is to say he understood the heart of superhero comics better than anyone else around him: angry virgins. This wasn’t a superhero comic but it still applies and carries over to the film. Our hero is a smart, capable guy, but the world is in his way (not his own personal choices). His chances to be better are derailed by the fact he’s such a good guy and had to take care of his mother, while she’s married to a guy who is a low level thug and beats her. Typical bullshit, geek self-serving-pity. Fortunately for him his father was a recruit of a secret intelligence agency and died in the field so one of its top agents feels a debt is owed and our hero is recruited to be James Bond times ten. His training begins just as The Kingsmen stumble upon a plot hatched by an insane corporate billionaire to save the world by killing most of the people one it. The violence is graphic but exaggerated deliberately to maximum silliness and there’s actually metatextual commentary on how dour modern secret agent films are, as opposed to the wonderfully silly ones with would be world conquerors in the conversation between the cool, bespoke secret agent Colin Firth and the eccentric megalomaniac (he plans mass genocide, but hates the sight of blood, and has an assassin sidekick with blades for legs) Samuel L. Jackson. Needless to say this is clearly a love letter to the crazier Bond films though believe it or not, even more British. The movie is actually partially driven by the class awareness that still exists in England to this day (both our hero and his dad are working class and their recruitment is considered an “experiment”) and ironically gives it a depth that it’s desperately trying to avoid in favor of simply being entertaining.

THAT 21ST CENTURY CAREER
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water is down to number three, followed by American Sniper at number four and Jupiter Ascending down to number five and starring in this is Mila Kunis who must have thought she grabbed the brass ring when she got the lead in a Wachowski big-budget science fiction action film. Clearly she didn’t read the script, which showed her as a princess who constantly needs to be saved along with a dozen other problems. While on one hand she’s actually having a somewhat successful career going from Oscar nominated, overrated indie fare like Black Swan to empty big budget vehicles like Oz The Great and Powerful to crass comedies like Ted and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (hell, she was even in the remake of Annie), on the other hand none of those were truly starring vehicles for her. She was the female lead alongside Justin Timberlake in Friends with Benefits which tanked (ironically her fiancée Ashton Kutcher’s version with Natalie Portman was hit) and now this where she is flat out the title character. Clearly it did not go well and while The Wachowskis are at fault, it won’t be the same black mark on Channing Tatum’s career (also equally varied) as it will be for her. You know, ‘cause she’s a chick and it’s an action movie. Forget they don’t actually allow her to be an action star, which is odd for them. Trivia: she played the younger version of Angelina Jolie in Gia.

YOU KNOW NOTHING OF THE CONTRACT YOU SIGNED, JON SNOW
The Seventh Son is down to number six is Seventh Son and also in this for about 5 minutes as a previous Seventh Son is Kit Harrington, limited as to the roles he can take when not shooting Game of Thrones as his contract doesn’t allow him to cut his hair! This is how he winds up here and in that Pompeii movie last year. Though I guess he could play a musician…or a poet…or just someone pretentious in the present day.

THE OTHERS
Paddington is down to number seven, followed by The Imitation Game holding at eight and The Wedding Ringer down to number nine.

CINEMATICALLY TRASMITTED DISEASE
Finally, Project Almanac closes out the top ten at number ten and this is part of a small genre empire Michael Bay is clearly building. He’s producer on this as he was on Ouija and The Purge films. Because their budgets are so low they’re pretty much guaranteed to make money, which means they will continue. He’s like a rash. An itchy ugly one that spreads the more you scratch it.

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