Tag Archives: arnold schwarzanegger

LET’S PICK ON JAKE GYLLENHAAL DAY!

27 Jul

jake 1. Ant-Man/Disney                     Wknd/$ 24.8   Total/$ 106.1
2. Pixels/Sony                              Wknd/$ 24.0   Total/$ 24.0
3. Minions/Universal                  Wknd/$ 22.1   Total/$ 261.6
4. Trainwreck/Universal            Wknd/$ 17.3    Total/$ 61.5
5. Southpaw/Weinstein              Wknd/$ 16.5    Total/$ 16.5
6. Paper Towns/Fox                    Wknd/$ 12.5    Total/$ 12.5
7. Inside Out/Disney                   Wknd/$ 7.4      Total/$ 320.3
8. Jurassic World/Universal      Wknd/$ 6.9     Total/$ 623.8
9. Mr. Holmes/RAtt                     Wknd/$ 2.4     Total/$ 85.7
10. Terminator: Genisys/Par      Wknd/$ 5.4     Total/$ 80.6

SEAN CONNERY IS ALWAYS RIGHT
Ant-Man holds at number one and also in this, obviously, is none other than Hollywood Royalty and multiple Oscar winner, Michael Douglas, who finally realized his leading man days were over and wisely hopped onto the Marvel money train. I know it seems obvious and easy, but judging by the Jason Stathams of the world who laugh at it and the Wesley Snipes who are trying to get into it despite having inadvertently launched it with Blade (they are 48 and 52, respectively) it’s not. In fact, Douglas was still trying to play the dude who could get women 18 to 80 up until ’09, in Solitary Man, where he played a guy who bangs his younger girlfriend’s daughter while escorting her to her freshman year of college. But even then he’d at least begun sowing the seeds of this because in the same year he played almost a parody of that role in Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, as the player uncle who taught Matthew McConughey’s character all he knew. This what I call “The Sean Connery Rule” wherein once you reach a certain age you have to bring in a hotter, younger actor to carry the weight. And even Connery didn’t always get it right. Lawrence Fishburne in Just Cause and Christian Slater in In the Name of the Rose didn’t do much for him. Neither did Mark Harmon in The Presidio. But those were wiped clean by Nicholas Cage in The Rock, Kevin Costner in The Untouchables, Alec Baldwin in The Hunt for Red October, Wesley Snipes in Rising Sun and even Lorraine Bracco in Medicine Man. So the commercial success of Ant-Man and the critical success of Behind the Candelabra more than wipes the slate clean of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps with Shia Lebouf. Not to mention the character he plays is part of the foundation of the Marvel Universe. In the comics he’s one of the founding members of The Avengers, playing the role of not just Ant-Man but reversing the effect and becoming, Giant Man/Goliath and also Yellowjacket (who here is the villain). He’s also the actual creator of Ultron. Yes, the antagonist of the recent Avengers sequel. There’s an opening scene here that makes him part of the SHIELD braintrust alongside Peggy Carter and Howard Stark, so he’s also tied to both Iron Man and Captain America now. Pretty sure Douglas isn’t going to hesitate signing any multi-picture deals.

THE EMPEROR HAS NO CLOTHES AND SHITS HIMSELF
Pixels opens at number two to some of the most scathing reviews you’ll ever see and given this is Adam Sandler, that’s saying something. Like how much Skyfall sucks and like Bill Cosby being a piece of shit, this is something that I felt was obvious long ago but only now are others seemingly waking up to it. Adam Sandler has been a lazy-ass comedian from day one and the more money he makes the lazier he gets. Low-hanging fruit from day one, never trying harder. Only now when it has reached a toxic level do people finally seem to recognize this. This is based on a short film where video games come to life and attack NYC, pixelating everything they touch eventually taking the entire planet. The creator of that got a cool million, which is why the only thing he can say is “They could have done it better,” and even that may cost him. Honestly, this was done to perfection in an 8 minute sequence on Futurama years ago. That’s all anyone ever need see. Certainly not Adam Sandler’s, old, unfunny, rich, bored ass.

LET ME KNOW WHEN THEY MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT OLD SINGLE GEEKS
Minions is down to number three, followed by Trainwreck at number four and I don’t care how many of my friends love it I’m not seeing this. Yes, it does say something that they are single women in NYC, but that two-hour running time remains bullshit.

OR IS IT ROCKY 6 THIS IS REMAKING?
SouthPaw opens at number four and I loves me some Rachel McAdams, but I’m not going to watch a movie where she dies in the first 15 minutes so I can watch Jake Gyllenhaal struggle with it. It looks like cliché central in this thing and honestly, if I want to watch a white fantasy about boxing, I’ll watch Rocky. I mean, there’s a wizened, older black man there to guide him. What’s sad about this is that if Rachel McAdams had lived I’d probably have seen this remake of Rocky III to watch her do her Talia Shire impression. Jake Gyllenhaal is about to run out of both youth and chances soon. He simply has the worst taste in big mainstream films. Prince of Persia, Love & Other Drugs, Prisoners…all mainstream studio films and all crap. His indie work, however, End of Watch and Nightcrawler seems to be stellar (I burned out on indie long ago so I can only relay what I’ve heard), so it seems like he’s taking the big paychecks to pay for those. Well, those movies have to succeed, chief, and this seems like yet another disappointment headed your way. Time to get on that Marvel gravy train if you want to continue with your small work. But if you’re gonna do it, do it. Don’t pretend you want a big A-list movie with integrity then do Prisoners or Love & Other Drugs. Be honest and just do Transformers 5. No one will blame you.

NOT THAT I’M BITTER AND FILLED WITH SELF-LOATHING OR ANYTHING
Paper Towns opens at number six and it’s finally happened: I’m just too old for another brainy-geek-teen-in-love-with-exceptionally-pretty-girl story. Yes, this one is a tad different because the basic story is that she’s not some happy cheerleader, but a tad troubled and when she vanishes he goes looking for her. But still, he’s only looking for her because she’s pretty. That she’s portrayed by model-of-the-moment Carla Delevingne does not help. The only thing that could put me off more would be one of the Jenner sisters. Shame too, because you know they thought getting her would bring people in.

MAYBE IT’S A PLOT BY SPIELBERG TO MAKE SURE HIS IS ALWAYS THE BEST ONE
Inside Out is down to number seven followed by Jurassic World at number eight and this has made over a billion worldwide. Over $600M in the US and $900M overseas. This is great for Chris Pratt and Spielberg and Universal, but sad for anyone who wants good movies because this was an entertaining piece of crap. The kind of crap Jake Gyllenhaal needs to be a part of. Every legitimate piece of criticism now falls on deaf ears so you can expect the next one, already scheduled for 2018, to suck equally.

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
Mr. Holmes actually rises to number nine and this is how you do it, Jake. Not one, but two big franchises (Lord of the Rings and X-Men) which allows Ian McKellan to get funding for movies like these, which turn around and are unexpectedly more successful than anticipated. Probably a few award noms for McKellan coming down the pike as well. And apparently this is a universe where Sherlock Holmes is world famous and appears in movies. Yes, they include the Basil Rathbone series in the film. That alone makes it a guarantee that I will see it…eventually.

CONAN MAY BE YOUR LAST CHANCE
Finally, Terminator Genisys closes out the top ten at number ten and Arnold’s comeback has proven to be anything but. And this was the go-t0-no-way-it-could-fail-endorsed-by-James-Cameron-vehicle. Why did the equally bad Jurassic World succeed while this failed? Well, for one it has a simpler concept: monsters on the loose. Terminator movies have a simple one as well but they forgot it. It’s supposed to be unstoppable killing machine after someone, but they tried to get cute by merging John Connor with the machine and he’s honestly not trying to kill them. There’s another Terminator in the movie that is initially chasing them, but honestly I can’t tell you what happens to him. There’s even a third one and I can’t tell you what happens to her either (she’s played by Sandrine Holt…and not that I think about it, both the forgotten Terminators are Asian). It’s that bad. And Arnold once touched on the appeal of The Terminator himself: the machine does whatever it wants anywhere it wants. That never occurs here. He’s trying to blend in, so if you’re looking for him to kick the shit out of people much less a bunch of cops like he did in the three successful films look elsewhere. So clearly there’s an anti-establishment aspect to the character that they’ve overlooked…in addition to logic and proper casting.

VISIT:

ORIGINAL ANGRYGEEK.COM

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY

Advertisements

SO WONDERFULLY ADEQUATE!

20 Jul

Flash-Gordon-flash-gordon-poster 1. Ant-Man/Disney                    Wknd/$ 58.0    Total/$ 58.0
2. Minions/Universal                Wknd/$ 50.2    Total/$ 216.7
3. Trainwreck/Universal           Wknd/$ 30.2    Total/$ 30.2
5. Jurassic World/Universal    Wknd/$ 11.4     Total/$ 611.2
4. Inside Out/Disney                  Wknd/$ 11.7    Total/$ 306.4
6. Terminator: Genisys/Par      Wknd/$ 5.4      Total/$ 80.6
8. The Gallows/WB                     Wknd/$ 4.0     Total/$ 18.0
7. Magic Mike XXL/WB             Wknd/$ 4.5      Total/$ 58.6
9. Ted 2/Universal                      Wknd/$ 2.7      Total/$ 77.5
10. Mr. Holmes/RAtt                  Wknd/$ 2.5     Total/$ 2.5

DECENT THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES
Ant-Man opens at number one and Marvel clearly has formula to make a superhero hit movie. The problem is the formula is getting a little stale and it’s not simply because it’s a matter of having seen it all before so much as their need now to control everything. The original writer/director of this was Edgar Wright and he started even before Iron Man was made, but in taking so long, an industry crept up around him and he was asked to conform to it and could not or would not. Can’t say as I fault him much. Having to use chunks of my movies to promote other movies would have annoyed me too. Both of the Thor movies sit at the bottom of my list of the Marvel work, because basically they seem to exist only to set up a later Marvel movie and are not films unto themselves (Iron Man 2 is the very bottom because it does that and it sucks). Captain America and Avengers Age of Ultron also suffer from this. But what’s oddly ironic is that, while clearly part of the Marvel movie universe, Ant-Man isn’t sacrificed for it, so Wright may have walked for no reason in the end beyond less creative control, which is still an issue because this needed a little more creativity. Don’t get me wrong: it’s still a fun movie. Entertaining from start to finish. It’s just lacking that extra element to make it above merely competent. In a weird way, it’s almost a superhero remake of The Mark of Zorro with Anthony Hopkins and Antonio Banderas with its wise mentor, estranged fiery daughter, and ex-con hero seeking redemption. Michael Douglas as we learn throughout the course of the film was the original Ant-Man, out being a superhero for SHIELD back in the day (where we see Iron Man’s dad and Captain America’s girlfriend, Peggy Carter) when personal tragedy forced him to quit and take his super-shrinking technology with him. Now his former assistant has figured it out on his own and wants to sell tiny superpowered soldiers to the world and is willing to kill anyone who stands in his way. To stop him, Douglas tricks the fresh-out-of-prison cat burglar Paul Rudd into stealing the Ant-Man suit to test him, much to the annoyance of Douglas’ estranged daughter, Evangeline Lilly, who is pretending to be loyal to the former assistant, but wants to put it on herself and do the job. Aside from the by-the-numbers filmmaking a big problem her is the villain. Your hero can only be as good as he is and Corey Stoll lacks the weight of a Jeff Bridges (Iron Man) or a Hugo Weaving (Captain America) or even the voice of James Spader (Avengers: Age of Ultron). There’s supposed to be a type of father-son dynamic between Stoll and Douglas, but we only know because they tell us. They don’t give it any real depth. Similarly the estrangement between Douglas and his daughter is saucer deep and the revelation of the reasons behind it handled about as well as an episode of Gray’s Anatomy. There’s no reason he’s only telling her now with Paul Rudd around how her mother died a superhero in her own right and not previously in the 25 years beforehand. Especially when it relates to why they have to stop the bad guy. He could still refuse to let her wear the suit, which would more than justify the animosity. They were simply lazy about it. And that’s basically what this film is: fun but lazy in its execution. Rudd is the most charismatic lead they’ve had since Robert Downey Jr. in Iron Man and if they’d risen to meet him they would have had the best Marvel film since Iron Man, which I still regard as the best.

NOW YOU’RE LUCKY JUST TO HAVE HIM
Minions is down to number two and lending her voice to this is Sandra Bullock and like most A-listers who do animated films this is just for the fun of it. She doesn’t need it and can show it to her kid. As a matter of fact, most of the “name” voices are clearly just here for the fun of it, not needing any kind of cheap career boost. Okay, maybe when they were making it two years ago Michael Keaton might have needed it, but now he’s another legitimate star alongside Allison Janney, Steve Carell and Jon Hamm.

SOMEWHERE WHITNEY CUMMINGS IS WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?
Trainwreck opens at number three and if you’ve doubted this is the “Summer of Women” at the movies, this should shut that door soundly. Not only does it put Amy Schumer firmly in the top echelon of comedy stars (she also wrote it), but it exceeded expectations. And don’t think there weren’t many hoping she’d fail as she has reached a saturation point. I can take or leave Amy Schumer. I think her stand up is good, marred only by her ventures into race (her bullshit non-apology “I’m a comedian so it’s okay” doesn’t help) and the show borders on brilliance at times, so I might have seen this…until I saw the 2-hour running time. What. The. Fuck? This is not a 2-hour concept. Party girl meets boy, party girl loses boy and party girl gets boy back is a 90-minute concept at best and a cast filled with pretty much everyone with a day off still doesn’t give me faith that they fill it the way they managed to do with 40-Year-Old Virgin. Unfortunately Judd Apatow is the director and he’s got a problem cutting himself. All his movies are too long but he’s now too powerful for anyone to make him do it. I suspect some needless maudlin melodrama that has no place in a movie about a guy with a giant dick.

NO CRAP MOVIE BUT WHAT YOU MAKE
Inside Out is down to number four, followed by Jurassic World at number five and Terminator Genisys at number six and rounding out the bad performances in this is Jason Clarke giving the worst John Connor portrayal ever. Granted the crappy script gave him nothing to work with, but if you’d been burdened from birth with the knowledge you’d save all humanity, you might at least show a little wear and tear on your soul. As the trailers give away, John Connor is possessed by Skynet, making him into a “terminator” in his own right. Yeah, it’s as dumb as it sounds and you just know they thought they were being clever, but if Skynet could do this, why wasn’t it doing it all along to all the humans? Why build detectable machines, when you can possess undetectable humans? Also the script ignores that John Connor doesn’t want to kill his parents, but wants them to join him, which means he’s in there somewhere and isn’t just a machine. A better movie would have explored the idea that Skynet may have him, but he also has Skynet. But this is not a better movie.

THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM FOR SELF HATRED
Magic Mike XXL is down to number seven and adding the aforementioned minority quotient to the movie are Jada Pinkett, Donald Glover, Michael Strahan and Stephen “Twitch” Boss who, like Channing Tatum has a “Step Up” movie or two under his belt. Jada Pinkett plays the ex-girlfriend and ex-boss of Channing Tatum who runs her own strip club, though it’s more of a house women come to. Boss, Strahan and Donald Glover all work there. Granted Strahan has the body, but seriously? We couldn’t find anyone better looking? I know for a fact Shemar Moore ain’t that busy and Will Smith could a have used a hit, so maybe Jada should have brought him along. And I’m sorry but, Donald Glover? He looks like Stripper Smurf next to all the others and no woman is paying for that. You pay for the fantasy you can’t have, not the geek you can have anytime he comes up from IT to fix your computer. No, I’m not projecting my own self-loathing! Why do you ask!?!

THE DEFINITION OF TRIVIA(L)
The Gallows is down to number eight and also in this is the daughter of Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford….Yeah, I still don’t care.

FLASH! NO-OOOOOO!
Ted 2 is down to number nine and once again Sam Jones returns because of Seth McFarland’s love of the 1980 Flash Gordon movie. Okay, now we have to put an end once and for all that this was a good movie that was simply misunderstood for being campy when Star Wars and Star Trek were being serious. It’s. Just. Bad. Even as a camp film it fails. Just because you’re campy doesn’t mean you still don’t have a responsibility to tell the story as if it were straight. It was directed by Lorenzo Semple Jr who to no surprise directed the 1966 Batman TV show. Like many directors, the limitations of television worked for him in a way the freedom of film did not. Not to mention he had Dino DeLaurentis to deal with and it’s typical of Europeans to insist that fantastic concepts cannot be taken seriously (the producers of Superman tried to make that campy all the way down to having Superman grab Telly Savalas because he mistakes him for Lex Luthor). So that’s two strikes with the third being a flat out untalented lead actor in Sam Jones. The best things about it were Max Van Sydow as Ming, Ornella Muti as Princess Aura and of course that amazing Queen soundtrack. Otherwise it’s crap and we need to stop seeing it through the easily impressed eyes of an 8-year-old who knows no better. There’s a six minute edited version of the movie on YouTube whose brevity not improves the movie immeasurably, it also shows how much it sucks by how much can be cut without being missed.

ELEMENTARY MY DEAR…UH, WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
Mr. Holmes closes out the top ten and yes, this is about Sherlock Holmes in the twilight of his years, Watson long dead, trying to solve a case as his mental facilities deteriorate. Ian McKellan plays Holmes and while I’d love to see it, honestly I’m two seasons behind on both Sherlock Holmes series (Elementary and Sherlock) that I was watching, so this will have to get in line.

ALSO VISIT:

ORIGINAL ANGRYGEEK.COM

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY

FOOL ME THRICE AND I’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE

13 Jul

emilia-clarke-gq-apr-pr-photo-shoot-843592646 1. Minions/Universal                    Wknd/$ 115.2   Total/$ 115.2
2. Jurassic World/Universal       Wknd/$ 18.1     Total/$ 590.6
3. Inside Out/Disney                     Wknd/$ 17.1     Total/$ 283.6
4. Terminator: Genisys/Par        Wknd/$ 13.7     Total/$ 68.7
5. The Gallows/WB                       Wknd/$ 10.0    Total/$ 10.0
6. Magic Mike XXL/WB               Wknd/$ 9.6      Total/$ 48.4
7. Ted 2/Universal                         Wknd/$ 5.6      Total/$ 71.6
8. Self/Less/Focus                         Wknd/$ 5.3      Total/$ 5.4
9. Baahuball: The Beginning       Wknd/$ 3.6      Total/$ 3.6
10. Max/WB                                    Wknd/$ 3.4      Total/$ 33.7

FOR I AM A CABLE WHORE
The Minons take the number one spot, which should come as no surprise to anyone as they were the only things about the Despicable Me movies worth watching. Ironically, I opted not to see this because I’d been tricked into seeing those mediocre films because of The Minions and am still a little pissed. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Well, then this should be perfect for you, right? You know, like The Penguins of Madagascar, which you did see?” WRONG! Too little, too late! And The Penguins always had a dark, funny edge that The Minions never did. Not to mention Madagascar 3 is great, so my experience with Madagascar was 50% (I have not, nor will I ever see the number two). My experience with The Minions, however, has been 100% movies I regret wasting my time on. It wasn’t going to happen again…at least until it’s on cable in a year. I’ll watch damn near anything on cable…except Madagascar 2.

THE DINOSAURS REPRESENT THE PENIS…
Jurassic World is down to number two and in an otherwise enjoyable, bad movie there’s a particularly brutal an innocuous female character which means the actress either turned down the producer or the director for a date or one of them was dumped just before the film was made. Seriously, you can’t pretend people don’t die for reasons in a monster movie. It’s usually always for a point. Either a pretense at randomness to prove that no one is safe, even the innocent—which is bullshit because there always are safe and the “innocent” who dies was only there for that reason—or heroic sacrifice or most often as punishment. In Jurassic Park the lawyer, Newman and even the big game hunter are punished for cowardice, avarice and arrogance, respectively (Samuel J. Jackson’s character doesn’t count because his death was offscreen). Similarly in The Lost World the poor driver dies horribly in the while saving them in a very faux “random” way to make you think no one is safe when you know there’s no fucking way in the world Jeff Goldblum or his daughter are going to die. After that it’s straight up punishment left and right for avarice and arrogance. Here, the CEO dies for his arrogance and the bad guy for his avarice, while you know the children won’t be touched and Chris Pratt and Byrce Dallas Howard have to survive to kiss at the end. You could say the her assistant died to show that no one was safe, but unlike the driver in Lost World, she wasn’t onscreen enough to become attached to even though it’s hinted she’s the only friend Bryce Dallas Howard had (not that she shows the slightest concern for her missing assistant). Nor is she doing a good deed for a touch of ironic cruelty. The longest, ugliest death in the Jurassic Park franchise for no real reason…unless you go back to last week’s theory that this movie is self-satirical and the scene was mocking the whole “no one is safe” conceit. Nah, some dickweed just didn’t get any and vented it onscreen.

LIKE A MAN!
Inside Out is down to number three and I’m just counting the days until I can buy this fucker and cry freely in my own home.

IT ALSO MAKES HER RELATIONSHIP WITH KYLE REESE LOOK CREEPY
Terminator: Genisys is down to four and while Jurassic World is fun bad, this is just bad-bad. Even Terminator: Salvation had one action sequence worth watching. This doesn’t even have that. I don’t watch Game of Thrones, so Emilia Clarke is more or less new to me and to my eye I’m watching the teen adventures of Sara Connor. I know she’s an adult, but she looks 15 and I can’t believe no one thought this might not be a problem. Not to mention after being attacked by a Terminator and being informed there was a holocaust coming, Sarah Connor turned herself into a lean, mean fighting machine by the time Terminator 2 rolled around. Here, Sarah’s known since she was a child what was coming and doesn’t look like she could manage push up. There’s not even a cheap thrill watching a beautiful woman with a big gun because you’re just wondering how she could even pick it up.

DAD COULDN’T TEACH HIM CHEMISTRY, BUT AT LEAST HE’S ALIVE
The Gallows opens at number five and given how often found footage horror films basically turn a profit in the their opening weekend it’s no surprise they keep trying, but hopefully this will fail miserably by their blatant attempt to start a franchise. Jason, Freddy and Michael were not planned horror franchises. You can’t “make” that happen, but greed isn’t listening so here you have them trying to create a franchise around “Charlie” a ghost who hangs people at the high school. Yeah, see things that are really scary can’t be avoided simply by home schooling.

IF I WERE A STRIPPER MY STAGE NAME WOULD BE WILLIAM E. GOAT
Magic Mike XXL is surprisingly down to number six which makes me think it’s suffering from whatever made Mad Max: Thunder Road underperform. And by that I mean out-of-shape dudes with small dicks. I mean granted, it only cost $15M to make and has already tripled that, but first made almost that much its opening weekend and made over $100M domestically which is the money that matters. What really makes this surprising is that they’ve clearly gone out of their way to open up the audience. And by that I mean, black people. Seriously, the movie basically stops to show you that there are also bruthas stripping for sistas. In an odd way it’s brutally honestly about the segregation that exists in certain areas, specifically sexuality. A bunch blonde sorority girls probably don’t want to see Julian St. Jox swinging his dick onstage (are you old enough to get that Eddie Murphy joke) or the management assumes they don’t. Either way everyone knows there are black strip clubs and white strip clubs and while there may be a sista or two in a white club, the male equivalent rarely happens. At best, like the first movie showed, you’ll get a Latin lover. I’m not even sure where Asian women go, but if there’s a third (an international competition, Magic Mike: World Cup and I’ve copywritten that idea) maybe we’ll get guy whose stage name is…Long Dong. You know you want it!

NEW AGENT…OR MANAGER…OR BOTH
Speaking of underperforming sequels, Ted 2 is down to number seven and all these superhero franchises running around and this is where Morgan Freeman is picking up easy paychecks!?! Bear in mind (no pun intended) he turned down the brilliant joke in This Is The End where when all the characters die and go to heaven, he’s God and has been all along. Wouldn’t do that, but did this. And of the two big budget science fiction movies Tom Cruise made in two years (Oblivion and Edge of Tomorrow), he was in the bad one (Oblivion).

EVEN THAT TV SHOW WITH THE PIZZA PLACE WAS AWFUL
Self/Less opens at number eight and when are people going to realize that Ryan Reynolds cannot carry a movie? It’s funny to think he and Bradley Cooper were not only up for the same roles at one point but were going to make a movie together. Now he’s the anti-Bradley Cooper. No Oscar nomination and no hits. What’s funny—and by that I mean sad—is that he’s talking about how he’s not going to do another superhero movie after Deadpool. Like a) he’s done a single good one and b) that’s gonna be some kind of massive hit that he’s even going to have a choice. Bear in mind this was done at the same time Hugh Jackman was announcing he’s done playing Wolverine after the next film. You know, another success story with Oscar nominations. Time to face it dude: you peaked cinematically at Van Wilder.

DESI MYSTERY
Baahubali: The Beginning opens at number nine with an almost 3-hour running time. What is it about? Who knows? It’s so under the radar IMDB only has nine films on it’s Top Ten Weekend Box Office as a result. Judging by the name one can take an educated guess that another one of those Indian films that pops up from time to time. I care only a little more than IMDB, but not enough to even look it up.

BECAUSE I CAN RELATE EVERYTHING TO A COMIC BOOK
Finally, Max closes out the top ten at number ten and this is from writer/director Boaz Yakin whose resume as a writer includes movies like Prince of Persia, Dirty Dancing Havana Nights, The Punisher and the surprise hit Now You See Me (the one about the magicians who steal money). As a director it’s stuff like Remember The Titans, Uptown Girls and Safe with Jason Statham (which I actually think was one of Statham’s better films). As you can see it’s basically a mid-level director. It’s a far cry from 20 years ago when indie was hot and he debuted with Fresh. But it makes me happy that he never got to do the Batman Beyond movie, which would have been based on the animated series. It’s set in a future where Bruce Wayne is too old, so recruits a kid to take over for him. Where’s Dick Grayson? Well, he left to find his own way and give Bruce boned Barbara Gordon after that you can be sure he wasn’t coming back. Barbara later went on to become a cop and is now commissioner and doesn’t like a new Batman, because apparently she doesn’t understand irony. Yeah, it’s best this guy not be trying to translate that to the big screen.

VISIT:

THE ORIGINAL ANGRYGEEK.COM (FOR THE ARCHIVES)

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY

SIX PACK ABS: THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM

6 Jul

joe-manganiello-435 1. Jurassic World/Universal                     Wknd/$ 30.9    Total/$ 558.1
2. Inside Out/Disney                                  Wknd/$ 30.1    Total/$ 246.2
3. Terminator: Genisys/Par                      Wknd/$ 28.7    Total/$ 44.2
4. Magic Mike XXL/WB                            Wknd/$ 11.6      Total/$ 26.7
5. Ted 2/Universal                                      Wknd/$ 11.0      Total/$ 58.3
6. Max/WB                                                   Wknd/$ 6.6       Total/$ 25.3
7. Spy/Fox                                                    Wknd/$ 5.5        Total/$ 97.9
8. San Andreas/WB                                    Wknd/$ 3.0       Total/$ 147.4
9. Me an Earl and the Dying Girl/FS      Wknd/$ 1.3        Total/$ 4.0
10. Dope/ORF                                              Wknd/$ 1.1        Total/$ 14.1

SPOILER ALERT FOR GEEK FAN THEORY
Jurassic World holds at number one and there’s a fun fan theory floating around out there is that the movie is actually a satire upon itself. It’s a needless sequel and the movie is about the needless creation of a new dinosaur. According to the theory, the movie studio being represented by the new owner of the park who wants something bigger and better than real dinosaurs, so like the makers of the film BD Wong (back for the first time since the first movie) has to make up a new one and like this movie it turns out to be a mistake. Dallas Bryce Howard tries to get corporate tie-ins to help pay for the new dinosaurs, much in the way corporate tie-ins help pay for this new movie. The cherry on top of this theory is in the end—-SPOILER ALERT—the dinosaurs that made the first film so great, the Tyrannosaurus Rex (yes, the same one from Jurassic Park) and the Veceliraptor team up and kick its ass, which is basically them showing how the first movies were better than this sequel. Bear in mind the director flat out told Spielberg that the original script he was given sucked and his name is on this one. Hmmmm…

MAYBE I WAS TOO BORING TO HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND
Inside Out holds at number two and like the better Pixar films there’s an entire subtext about the death of youth that exists in this film. From Toy Story’s aging of Andy to Nemo going off on his own, the poignancy at the center is the departure from childhood and if Toy Story had you crying, you are not prepared for the fate of Riley’s imaginary friend, Bing Bong (voiced by a perfectly cast Richard Kind). It made me realize I have no memory of an imaginary friend, which is shocking given how much immaturity I’ve successfully held onto.

HE SHOULDN’T HAVE COME BACK
Terminator Genisys opens at number three and don’t worry Terminator: Salvation you’re still the worst Terminator film. Apparently the key is whether or not you have a charisma-free Australian actor as your co-male lead. Just as Terminator: Salvation had the bland lump of meat Sam Worthington whose brief career success remains a mystery, this has the even blander Jai Courtney, whose continued career in A-list action films remains a mystery. If there’s been any one constant in better Terminator films it’s been the intensity of the human characters. They truly act like high-strung individuals traumatized by the burden of having to try and save the world from the nightmare threat of annihilation by the machines. Michael Beihn’s Kyle Reese from the first film, Linda Hamilton’s Sarah Connor in the second and yes, even Nick Stahl as John Connor in the third. Christian Bale can’t help but be intense no matter what he does, but Sam Worthington sucked it all away in his charisma-free black hole. Here, Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor are reunited for the first time since the first film (the deleted scene of a dream Sarah has where Kyle comes to her in T2 sadly does not count) and they don’t look so much like two people haunted by the belief that they are all that stands between humanity and annihilation so much as a couple slightly irritated by the fact the movie they wanted to see at the mall has been sold out. Here, Sarah was attacked at the age of 9 by the liquid metal T-1000 Terminator and basically raised for the last decade by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s T-800. Who sent them both back so early? You’ll never know which is one of massive fail of this film. You’re not supposed to leave more questions than answers. But the larger issue remains the lack of bleak intensity. There’s even a tension free countdown. You can see it going wrong from the beginning where John and Kyle are exchanging wisecracks. None of this was possible in the nightmare future of James Cameron’s two films. Reese was an already traumatized war vet merely in his 20’s. None of that is to be found here. Similarly in the 12 years between Terminator 1 and 2 Sarah Connor becomes a slightly unhinged war machine. But her parents being murdered and a lifetime of being raised by a killing machine to save the future affects no such change on Sarah here. Yeah, she barks orders and fires all manner of weapons, but it’s as much movie artifice as it is every time they give a model a gun in a movie and tell you she’s a seasoned secret agent (it doesn’t help that the actress they cast looks 16 and seems to have foregone the physical transformation Linda Hamilton made). Poor casting aside, the plot is as dumb as Terminator: Salvation with lip service being paid to the mechanics and consequences of time travel. Not that I expected Neil Degasse Tyson so show up and break it down, but don’t insult me either. Its sole saving grace is Arnold as an aging machine, which in the hands of a talented filmmaker would have been a metaphor for his own career, but here is picked up and dropped off as the plot demands.

THE “A” IN USA IS FOR “ABS”
Magic Mike XXL opens at number four and where the original was basically an indie film that took the life of a Tampa stripper trying to get out seriously, with its depiction of a life on the sleazier side with a host of slightly damaged people in the world of sex work, this is basically a road comedy like anything Hope & Crosby ever did. Basically Mike is lured out of retirement by dissatisfaction with his new legit life (and broken relationship) for one last ride with the old crew to a male stripper convention in Myrtle Beach with an assortment of hijinks along the way. Seriously, that’s it. And along the way we get a series of dance numbers. Hell, the only thing separating this from being a musical is that they don’t sing during them. Oh, wait. That happens twice. Basically, while the first one was a drama, this is basically a musical comedy. But a fun one. It’s also a lot gentler on its characters than the first. While they were all seemingly losers in the first, the promise of equity in a new club their salvation, here they know it’s the end and are making plans for it, all chasing their version of the American dream, be it a yogurt food truck that also has a DJ, acting or singing or selling condoms packaged along with mints. Even when they poke fun at them (the condom with mints idea is taken) it’s in a gentle fashion. When Matt Bomer speaks sincerely about how he worked at Disneyworld, apprenticing as a Donald Duck, the audience laughs, but no one laughs at him in the film because that is legitimate success. Even Joe Manganiello’s dick, which was just a one shot dirty joke in the first film (his character’s name is Big Dick Richie) is now the source of his unhappiness because no woman wants to have sex with him. Needless to say, that also gets taken care of along the way. Speaking of women, if the overall theme of the movie was appealing to women in the first, this is flat out fan service. Every act by every man in this movie is designed to make women happy, be she a frustrated housewife, a divorcee or just the cashier at a gas station (you’ll never hear the Backstreet Boys “I Want It That Way” the same again). The Men of Tampa are here to make you happy, ladies.

MY PET PEEVE ONCE AGAIN
Ted 2 is down to number five and gone from this is Mila Kunis to be replaced by Amanda Seyfried, which seems odd because wasn’t the first one about Mark Wahlberg growing up so he can marry his girlfriend? But let’s not kid ourselves. Even not having seen this movie, I know the real love story is between Marky Mark and the teddy bear. The women are clearly replaceable. Or not. This isn’t doing as well as the first. But it still annoys me that 40-something Wahlberg is getting women a decade younger as his love interests. Bear in mind she’d playing a lawyer so it would make sense she’d be a little older, no?

BOTH CAUGHT THE WEB OF A BIG SUMMER PAYCHECK
Max is down to number six, followed by Spy at number seven and San Andreas at number eight and what’s the connection between Max and San Andreas? Spider-Man! See, also in Max is Thomas Hayden Church and a decade ago both he and Paul Giamatti were hot off Sideways, Hayden Church with an actual Oscar nomination. Ironically both he Giamatti wound up as a villain in a poorly-reviewed, but technically successful Spider-Man movie. But while Giamatti is still appearing in A-list summer fare like San Andreas, Hayden Church is doing movies like this. Hey, remember when he was the dumb mechanic on Wings?

CAN’T YOU SEE I’M BUSY!?!
Me, Earl & The Dying Girl breaks the top ten and this is one of those indie films that critics and audiences love that I’ll always mean to see, but simply don’t find the time. Why? ‘Cause I’m doing shit like this for you people. That’s why!

AND NOW OUR “GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS!” MOMENT
Finally, Dope closes out the top ten at number ten and one thing I can really appreciate about this film is its love of 90’s R&B. Yeah, it’s more how it was the Golden Age of Hip-Hop, but it was also the last breath of R&B, which has surrendered to auto-tune and sampling. It was already giving into sampling in the 90’s but at least people were still singing. There was even resurgence in purely vocal groups…for as long as it lasted. But yeah the hip-hop was great too. It was the last time there was rap about anything more than thug life or popping bottles with models. You’d never hear a song today like The Pharcyde’s “Passing Me By” which is all about not getting a girl. And she’s never called a bitch or a ho because of it. This simply doesn’t exist anymore, yet but those goddamn, ugly-ass 90’s fashions get to come back. Sigh.

VISIT

THE ORIGINAL ANGRYGEEK.COM (archives going back a decade…which is sad)

FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY

HERE COMES THE RAIN AGAIN

30 Mar

Ashley-Judd-ashley-judd-146503_581_666

1. Noah/Paramount                                       Wknd/$ 44.0      Total/$ 44.0
2. Divergent/LGF                                          Wknd/$ 26.5       Total/$ 95.3
3. Muppets Most Wanted/Disney              Wknd/$ 11.4        Total/$ 33.2
4. Mr. Peabody & Sherman/Fox                 Wknd/$ 9.5         Total/$ 94.9
5. God’s Not Dead/Free                                Wknd/$ 9.1         Total/$ 22.0
6. The Grand Budapest Hotel/Fox             Wknd/$ 8.8        Total/$ 24.5
7. Sabotage/ORF                                            Wknd/$ 5.3        Total/$ 5.3
8. Need for Speed/Touchstone                   Wknd/$ 4.3         Total/$ 37.8
9. 300: Rise of an Empire/Warner            Wknd/$ 4.3         Total/$ 101.1
10. Non-Stop/Universal                               Wknd/$ 4.1         Total/$ 85.2

BASED ON THE “ORIGINAL” BEST SELLER…
Noah opens up at number one and apparently The Bible is big box office these days. Well, maybe when you remake it as ecologically minded disaster porn, which basicall makes this a biblical version of The Day After Tomorrow. And just as we last saw Jesus as a hot surfer dude, Noah’s back as a sexy DILF, played by none other than Russell Crowe who’s gotta be glad this is washing the memory of Winter’s Tale out of people’s minds like the great flood. Needless to say, I had no interest. Not simply because it was a Bible story, because director Darren Aronofsky is using the “good book” merely for source material like any other best seller. In other words: giving it lip service. They even added the disclaimer “inspired by” to make it clear to the bible-thumpers they were not getting their usual handjob of a movie like those that have preceded this one. This is Hollywood, baby. We’re here to put butts in the seats, lifting your wallets, not your spirits. And clearly they’ve done it, but the question is what happens next week when that Christian money is gone, because if you’ve noticed something about these films, they open big because every. single. one. of those goes to see it, but rarely twice and no one else really cares. That’s okay when your movie costs about $10 and your biggest stars are Dean Cain and Kevin Sorbo (more on that later), but this is a $125M film with an Oscar winner who has flat out told you he doesn’t cut his fee for big studio films. It’s gonna have to hang around for a while if you ever want to see another big budget Ten Commandments. My guess? Don’t hold your breath.

THAT MATTHEW MCCONUGHEY ISN’T PLAYING DADS HAS GOT TO HURT
Divergent is down only to number two so we may have actually found our successor to The Hunger Games and while I personally don’t care I’m a little pleased that the trend seems to be female driven. None of the dude-based Young Adult novels have come through onscreen besides Harry Potter. Between Twilight, Hunger Games and now this, it’s clear that women are more likely to turn out to see themselves. And you’ve even got an earlier generation of female lead actresses on-hand to support them as Ashley Judd is here and there was a brief moment in time when her name was above the title and expected to bring people in. Now she’s the mom of the main character. I am so old…

WHAT’S PLURAL FOR JESUS? JESUII?
Muppets Most Wanted is down to number three, followed by Mr. Peabody & Sherman at four and God’s Not Dead at number five and in this are Superman and Hercules, aka Dean Cain and Kevin Sorbo. Somehow it seems appropriate that a pagan Jesus and a pop culture Jesus are in this movie. And given that Dean Cain is a bit of a jerk (we now see that it wasn’t Teri Hatcher but him all this time) there’s schadenfreude that he’s been reduced to doing these kinds of movies. Feel bad for Sorbo, though. Even if he does believe his career has been hurt by being a devout Christian in Hollywood. Yeah, that’s the reason all your co-stars from the show have become such huge stars.

YOU KNOW THEY WANTED THE BEASTIE BOYS SONG
The Grand Budapest Hotel is down to number six with Sabotage opening at number seven and it’s an apt metaphor for Arnold’s attempts to return to movies. He can’t get out of his own way if these are the choices he’s making. First we need to give props to the audacity of the marketing. Rarely has a film been so utterly misrepresented in an attempt to get people into the theater. You think you’re seeing a film about Arnold and his team taking on a drug cartel who are coming after him and his family because they think money was stolen from them? Nope. His wife and family are shown taken (and killed) in the first two minutes then when jump ahead eight months where we see Arnold and his team steal the $10M in a raid where they destroy the rest. The movie is actually a grim drama about the corruption of vengeance with a Hamlet level body count so don’t get too attached to anyone and I mean anyone. But that doesn’t mean it’s any smarter than say Commando. No, Commando looks like it was written by Shakespeare compare to this. It’s stupid beyond measure and lacking the gunfire and explosions you need to forgive it. After the opening raid where the $10M goes missing, the entire DEA team is investigated. One character even asks how the government knew $10M was missing given their mission was to blow it all up and he’s never answered because there is no way they could have known! None! It was a perfect robbery. Then we get to our second bit of stupidity, that the Mexican cartels would be after them for stealing $10M when the team incinerated HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS. Um, wouldn’t they be more pissed about that!?! And once we get into the story of Arnold’s wife and kid being kidnapped and killed we’re asked to believe that they [the cartels] came after them because Arnold’s team arrested a kingpin. Okay, that makes a little sense, but then we see that the cartel had the kingpin assassinated in custody, so why take a DEA agent’s family? And then we’re told body parts were shipped to him weekly? Pretty sure the DEA and the Justice Department along with the military would have unleashed the mother of all retaliations if for no other reason than to let it slide would set a horrible precedent for everyone carrying a badge everywhere. The cherry on top this is when we see part of the video of his wife’s death, the face of the guy who kills his her is easily identified (Arnold finds him relatively easily as well), but the whole of the entire US Justice department couldn’t find him!?! Also when the reasons for who is killing the team one by one (and horribly) is revealed it makes No. Freaking. Sense. At. All. It’s a waste of time, talent (seriously, look at that cast) and your life. No wonder Arnold is doing another Terminator film. He needs it like he needs air if these are the only other options available to him.

RENAME IT QUICK & ANGRY ALREADY
Need For Speed is down to number eight and you think this was a complete flop? Think again. It’s made $130M overseas. Yeah, I can’t believe it either. This actually makes sequels a possibility. Well, they’ve got nowhere to go but up quality-wise and given the bulk of the money came from overseas, expect it to be set there as well. You know, like that franchise it really wants to be.

THE END
300 Rise of an Empire is down to number nine followed by Non Stop closing out the top ten at number ten giving everyone in it one in the “win” column and Liam Neeson showing exactly how a 60-something has an action career. Paying attention, Arnold?

Visit:

The Original: angrygeek.com

formerboywonderphoto.com

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY IS INTEGRAL

20 Oct

Gemma-Arterton-GQ-UK-October-2

 1. Gravity/Warners                                        Wknd/$  31.0            Total/$ 170.6

 2. Captain Phillips/Sony                               Wknd/$  17.3            Total/$  53.3

 3. Carrie/SG                                                     Wknd/$  17.0            Total/$  17.0

 4. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2     Wknd/$  10.1            Total/$  93.1

 5. Escape Plan/LG                                          Wknd/$    9.8            Total/$   9.8

 6. Prisoners/Warners                                    Wknd/$    2.1             Total/$  57.3

 7. Enough Said/FoxS                                     Wknd/$    1.8             Total/$  10.8

 8. 5th Estate/Touchstone                              Wknd/$    1.7             Total/$    1.7

 9. Runner Runner/Fox                                  Wknd/$    1.6             Total/$  17.5

10. Insidious 2/FD                                           Wknd/$    1.5            Total/$  80.9

 

BREAK OUT YOUR CHOKERS AND YOUR FLANNEL

Gravity Holds at number one while Captain Phillips holds at number two, suggesting all the young people in the world had something better to do this weekend or we’ve all been transported back to 1995 for Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks to be ruling the box office like this. Their combined ages is more than the combined ages of the cast of Twilight.

 

ONE OF THOSE THINGS ISN’T EVEN AROUND ANY MORE

Opening at number three is Carrie and its leading lady, Chloe Moretz, wasn’t born until 1997. Yes, I said that to make you feel old.  So basically she wasn’t even conceived when Forrest Gump and While You Were Sleeping were hits.  Now, I thought about seeing this, which may seem odd given my “I don’t do the scary” rule, even when it’s stupid.  But given how this seems to be a note-for-note remake of the first film and not a more faithful adaptation of the book like they insisted, what’s really there to scare you? There’s only one scene that’s truly terrifying and I won’t spoil it for those who’ve never seen it. The real question is will a female director feel the need to recreate Brian DePalma’s slow-motion, full-frontal nudity tour of the girls’ locker room, which OPENED the original film or is the R rating purely for violence? Yes, Carrie’s traumatizing treatment by the other girls in the shower when she gets her first period is actually an important part of the story because it’s not only about the torment she endures at school, but fallout from her home life as she’s utterly ignorant about her body thanks to her mother.  What’s not important to the character, however, is a slow motion pan over a young actress’ breasts and pubic hair to get us there. The 70’s truly were a different time.

 

HE’S THE NEW MICK JAGGER WHEN IT COMES TO FILMS

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 is down to number four and you know who wishes it were ‘90’s? Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Escape Plan opens at number five. Two of the three biggest action heroes of the 80’s together and this is the best it can do!?! But honestly, I’m not blaming them. Yes, even though both their previous solo action leads have failed (Stallone in Bullet To The Head and Schwarzenegger in The Last Stand) the real reason behind this failure is 50 Cent. Yes, 50 Cent. No film with him in it ever succeeds.  Did you know he made a movie with DeNiro just last year? One with Nicholas Cage and John Cusack just this year? Two films in the past few years with Bruce Willis (completing the 80’s action hero hat trick)?  Of course not. Because they’ve all been too awful to be released even with someone as big as Robert DeNiro and Bruce Willis in them.  The man is a plague on film and here he is taking down Rocky and The Terminator without breaking a sweat.

 

YOU DON’T BUY THE COW WHEN THE MILK IS ON CNN EVERY DAY

Prisoners is down to number six followed by The Fifth Estate opening at number seven and if this film confuses you because you thought it was already released, that’s because it was a documentary called We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks about the real Julian Assauange which I’m sure the producers of this did not appreciate.  But they should have paid more attention to its inability to generate  interest.  Why do you think people will pay to see an impression of someone they didn’t want to see in the first place? Not to mention the overall media attention on Assaunage may have exhausted people.  Yes, it’s an important story that’s actually still going on, but like anything in our 24/7/365 news cycle it gets worn out very quickly. I mean the soldier behind the leaks, Bradley Manning, was only sentenced a few weeks ago on top of the news that he now wanted to be viewed as a woman (Chelsea Manning)!  And still people did not care.

 

OH, DON’T MIND ME. JUST GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS

Runner Runner is down to number eight and the other clue you had that this would be a failure was the presence of Gemma Arterton who was the “hot new thing” two years ago appearing in every other movie and even when they didn’t fail spectacularly (Prince of Persia) were seen as disappointments (Quantum of Solace, Clash of the Titans).  Even the unexpected success of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters ($225M from a $50M budget) hasn’t really helped her profile any. I mean, would you know her if you saw her on the street? Do you even know who she was in the films I’ve named? Exactly. However, the upside to being so forgettable is that no one will associate her with this film.

 

SO MUCH MONEY IT’S SCARY

Finally, Insidious Chapter 2 closes out the top ten after an impressive run resulting in $118M worldwide from a $5 budget.  Gravity has nothing on that ratio of dollars spent to dollars earned.

YO’ MAMA

20 Jan

uptown-kerry-washington-decjan13-3a-585x780

1. Mama/Universal                                        Wknd/$ 28.1              Total/$   21.1

2. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                             Wknd/$  17.6             Total/$  55.9

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                Wknd/$  11.4              Total/$   55.3

4. Gangster Squad/Warners                        Wknd/$   9.1               Total/$  32.2

5. Broken City/Fox                                         Wknd/$   9.0              Total/$    9.0

6. A Haunted House/                                    Wknd/$   8.3               Total/$  30.0

7. Django Unchained/Weinstein                 Wknd/$   8.2              Total/$ 138.0

8. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   7.8               Total/$ 130.0

9. The Hobbit/WB                                          Wknd/$   6.5               Total/$ 287.0

10. The Last Stand/LGF                                 Wknd/$   6.3               Total/$     6.3

MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME

Mama opens at number one and with Zero Dark Thirty behind it at number two Jessica Chastain is officially a star.  Granted, the real star of a genre film is the genre itself and you could have had Denise Richards starring in this and it probably would still be number one, but her ascending star and nominations probably got the number of screens for this bumped up and the interest of a few people who wouldn’t have see it otherwise.  The other star in a genre film is occasionally the creator behind it.  When fans see “from the people who brought you ____” they know what they’re getting and they flock to it.  In this case it’s Guillermo Del Toro, a man of amazing visuals and crap stories. Sorry, but when your most coherent movie is Blade 2, you need to back away from the keyboard and let someone else handle it.  Yes, I know he’s only a producer here, but like Lucas even that tends to be too much.  I wouldn’t know because as we all know, I don’t do the scary and incompetent though it probably is, there looked to be some potential for genuine creepiness going here and that’s too much for me. Though I would have liked to have seen Jessica Chastain with black hair, tats and cleavage. Yes, now that she’s a certified star, we can begin to objectify her.

THE CURSE OF COACH TAYLOR

As mentioned before, Zero Dark Thirty holds the #2 position and also in this is Kyle Chandler who’s also in Agro, so clearly it’s his fault neither director received a nomination despite their films being nominated for best picture.

YOU’RE MUCH TOO YOUNG GIRL

Silver Linings Playbook jumps up to number three thanks to an expanded release and Gloden Globe wins.  I finally figured out why I can’t bring myself to see this: I HATE the trope of older men being emotionally healed by a younger woman. I once read an article that roasted every other French film for ending with a salt & pepper haired man arguing with his 20-something girlfriend until she bared her breasts to him then he sighed with a smile and they lived happily ever after.   A friend tried to argue the point that Jennifer Lawrence is in fact the emotionally older person here and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that’s ALWAYS HOW IT IS! It’s part of the trope that “ironically” it’s a younger woman that finally helps him mature. Clearly this ability leaves a woman after she turns 25. The closer her breasts and ass get to the ground the less an impact she can have on a man’s emotional state.  And no, this doesn’t strike too close to home. I hated this in my 20’s too. Now, I certainly wouldn’t turn down any 20-something hottie who wanted to heal my troubled geek soul, but I’d have the decency to be ashamed of it and I wouldn’t make you pay to watch.

EXACTLY HOT MANY HUSKY VOICED REDHEAD ROLES ARE THERE?

Gangster Squad is down to number four and how long before we’re able to look at Emma Stone and not think her career is based mainly on the implosion of Lindsay Lohan’s?  And honestly, Lindsay Lohan would have been so much more believable as a girl mixed up with a mobster.  Emma Stone looks like she’s in her high school production of Guys & Dolls.  She and Sean Penn sit right next to Nicole Kidman & Dustin Hoffman in Billy Bathgate in terms of believability.  Even Angelina Jolie & Timothy Hutton had greater credibility in Playing God.

IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN. THE BRONX IS UP AND THE BATTERY’S DOWN.

Broken City opens at number at five and I’ve a weakness for films clearly shot in NYC, but an utter hatred of films shot in NYC by people who clearly don’t know a damn about it. You can tell from the trailer it’s “Generic City” by the way they shoot it.  Every other romantic comedy suffers from this in that there’s nothing about this that says NYC other than them telling you it is.  The other obstacle? Russell Crowe clearly choosing his roles based on how weird his hair can be.  Dude, you’re not Nicholas Cage and his collection of hairpieces.  Or are you?

GET IT WHILE YOU’RE HOT!

Haunted House is down to number five, followed by Django Unchained at number six and as the female lead in this is Kerry Washington, who honestly should be everywhere given she’s in a hit Oscar nominated movie and has a hit TV series.  Girl, you need a new publicist.  Halle Berry’s stranglehold on being “the black female” lead has got to be weakened by now. She hasn’t had a hit since the last X-Men movie (No, being one of the million stars in New Year’s Eve does not count).  Zoe Saldana failed in her chance to take title thanks to her very own Catwoman in Colombiana.  Someone has to grab it. It might as well be you. By my count this is your second chance, because your first was back when Ray came out.

HERE’S A THOUGHT: STOP TRYING TO SING

Les Miserables is down to number eight and I just realized this gives Russell Crowe two movies in the top ten and strangely neither of which make him any hotter as a star. Granted he had his moment and has his Oscar, but does anyone look at him as “the” male lead any longer the way they still do Clooney?

IT’S LIKE JACKASS, BUT WITH BULLETS AND LESS PLOT

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is down to number nine, followed by The Last Stand opening at number ten and talk about humbling. If you thought you could just walk right back into it, Arnold, you were sorely mistaken. Granted cameos in The Expendibles were the right move, but this lame, sleepwalk of a movie was as wrong as wrong can get.  First of all, it looks cheap, which isn’t the same thing as “spartan” as a no frills kind of gritty action movie isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Second, it’s a premise utterly lacking in any kind of suspense.  How seriously are we taking a driving druglord. If he’s so bad-ass why is he driving!?!  Where’s his private jet?  For that matter where are the jets of the authorities who know exactly where he’s headed!?!  Even for action fans there is such a thing as too stupid.  Finally, the other name above the title is Johnny Knoxville.  Even Bruce Willis has learned he needs someone young and hot to help him now. It’s called “The Sean Connery Rule” and his younger c0-stars were people like Alec Baldwin, Kevin Costner, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes and Lawrence Fishburne.  The only thing Johnny Knoxville has in common with them is gender and a pulse.