Tag Archives: alien

GUN TOTING ROBOTS

9 Mar

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1. Chappie/Sony                                                   Wknd/$ 13.3   Total/$ 13.3
2. Focus/WB                                                         Wknd/$ 10.0  Total/$ 34.6
3. The 2nd Best Exotic Marigold Hotel           Wknd/$ 8.6    Total/$ 8.6
4. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox             Wknd/$ 8.3     Total/$ 98.0
5. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                           Wknd/$ 7.0     Total/$ 149.0
6. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal                   Wknd/$ 5.6     Total/$ 156.4
8. The Lazarus Effect/Relativity                       Wknd/$ 5.1     Total/$ 17.4
7. McFarland, USA/Disney                                Wknd/$ 5.3     Total/$ 29.4
9. The Duff/LionsGate                                        Wknd/$ 4.9     Total/$ 26.1
10. Unfinished Business/Fox                             Wknd/$ 4.8    Total/$ 4.8

THAT’S NOT HOW A ROBOT WITH A GUN IS SUPPOSED TO TALK
Chappie opens at number one and there was a time I’d be all over this. Robots!?! Robots with guns!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots!?! Robots with guns fighting for the right to be sentient against bigger robots run by Wolverine and Ripley!?! But apparently my decades long run of being 14 has come to an end, because I really couldn’t muster up the interest to see this. Maybe it’s because I kinda think Hugh Jackman and Sigourney Weaver are right and aren’t really the bad guys here. Artificial Intelligence is dangerous. Especially when you give it a gun and authority. Suppose it sees us for the self-destructive, planet-killing fuck ups we are? This could be the prequel to The Matrix! The other reason is because that robot sounds so fucking stupid speaking of himself in the third person I couldn’t stand it. “Chappie’s got stories!?! Chappie’s got a book?” Well I’ve got cable and that’s where I’ll be watching this in about 9-12 months.

SOMEWHERE GRETCHEN MOL STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND
Focus is down to number two and the female lead in this is Margot Robbie who’s a legit “Hot New Thing” (against all odds she’s young and blonde) given she has actual accomplishments as opposed to just hype with nothing really to show for it. Last year she was the female lead in Wolf 0f Wall Street. Next year she’ll be in Suicide Squad with Will Smith and Jared Leto. A-list roles in A-list movies…with 40-something A-list males stars. That’s when you really know you’re hot; you making movies with superstars old enough to be your dad because they only want to next to the Hot New Thing. And you know who was originally supposed to be the lead in this? Ben Affleck, another 40-something. She probably won’t kiss a dude her own age until she’s the star of her own film, which should be any second now.

WELCOME TO THE DAYS OF PLAYING SOMEONE’S DAD
Speaking of aging Hollywood leading men, The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel opens at number two and joining this ensemble cast is Richard Gere, who can count on one hand the number of time he’s kissed a woman his own age on film and this barely adds to the list as his romantic interest is still younger than he is, albeit only by five years. As opposed to Winona Ryder, Julia Roberts, Diane Lane, Helen Hunt, Laura Linney, Hilary Swank…etc. Oh, sure Susan Sarandon played his wife twice, but he spent 90% of his time with JLo in one and in the other he had a 30-something mistress whom he actually touched.

NO GLEE FOR THIS (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
Kingsman: The Secret Service is down to number three and as the villain sidekick with razor sharp prosthetic legs that she actually uses to kill and cut people in half is dancer Sofia Boutella. Never heard of her? Me neither, but she was a dancer with Madonna, did one of Lindsay Lohan’s desperate “look at me” magazine spreads and was part of the Nike campaign targeting women which was pretty awesome. Also she can do that dancer thing where she can put one leg straight up in the air, which I really, really really like. But she looks a lot like Lea Michele, which the notoriously competitive Michele surely doesn’t appreciate, because it’s one less big role she could have had.

GONNA KEEP BEATING THAT DEAD HORSE
The Spongebob Movie: Sponge Out of Water is down to number five, followed by Fifty Shades of Grey at number six and also in this is Jennifer Ehle who looked like she was headed for bigger things at one point, but maybe that’s because she looks so damn much like Meryl Streep and that may be a liability in a world where Meryl Streep is still taking big roles and has not one, but two daughters out there acting as well. I guess that’s why she’s now playing Dakota Johnson’s mom and showing up on shows like The Blacklist. Well, it’s a huge movie and she’s getting exposure, but don’t think for one second she’ll be swapping spit onscreen with men her own age like Ben Affleck, Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith.

AS DISAPPOINTING AS ONE’S ACTUAL TEEN YEARS
McFarland USA is down to number seven, followed by The Lazarus Effect at number eight and The DUFF at number nine, and this has made $27M off a $9M budget so it’s a modest hit. I feel for these kids and these weak-ass teen flicks. It’s been a decade since Mean Girls and nothing approaching it as come up. Ironically, when you can only draw in your target audience you’re a bit of a creative failure for a teen movie. Given everyone has been to high school and would be able to relate they’d all see it, not just kids.

THANK GOD JON FAVERAU IS TOO BUSY FOR HIM
Finally, Unfinished Business opens at number ten and honestly I can say I’m sad because Vince Vaughn crossed the line from appealing to annoying as fuck a few exits back. While it’s smart they paired him up with two other people to dilute his presence, he’s still the lead and therefore will continue to be as annoying as possible. In Old School you knew Luke Wilson (pre-bloat) was the leading man and Will Ferrell his comic relief. Vaughn was the third wheel and he was perfect there. It’s also the a blight on the comeback career of Sienna Miller who was not only in the biggest film of last year, American Sniper, but in two Oscar Nominated films (American Sniper and Foxcatcher).

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IN SPACE NO ONE CAN SEE YOU’RE A MORON

10 Jun

 

1. Madagascar 3/Dreamworks                       Wknd/$   60.4           Total/$  60.4

 2. Prometheus/Fox                                           Wknd/$   50.0          Total/$  50.0

 3. Snow White & The Huntsman/U              Wknd/$   23.0          Total/$  98.5

 4. MIB 3/Sony                                                   Wknd/$   13.5           Total/$ 135.5

 5. The Avengers/Disney                                  Wknd/$   10.8           Total/$ 571.9

 6. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel/Fox       Wknd/$    3.2            Total/$  31.0

 7. What To Expect When…/LGF                   Wknd/$    2.7            Total/$  35.7

 8. Dark Shadows/Warners                             Wknd/$    3.9            Total/$  70.8

 8. Battleship/Universal                                   Wknd/$    2.3            Total/$  59.8

 9. The Dictator/Paramount                            Wknd/$    2.2            Total/$  55.2

10. Moonrise Kingdom/Focus                        Wknd/$    1.6             Total/$   3.8

 

HAPPY FEET…OF DEATH

Madagascar 3 opens at number one and I checked out on this lame franchise after the first one. The penguins were great, but it’s not about them. It’s about these four boring characters whose only real purpose seems to be to give Jada Pinkett Smith some semblance of a movie career. Speaking of those penguins, it’s been a common discussion on the internet but just in case you missed it, if you remember the first film you know that the penguins took over the ship and put the humans off in lifeboats.  Well, in that part of the world there’s no way they would have survived long enough to make it to civilization, so in effect they were murdered by a bunch of crazy penguins.  Now that’s funny.

 

COMING SOON: JAMES CAMERONS PROMETHUSES!

Prometheus opens at number two and this warms my heart just a tad as I do not like Ridley Scott and flat out hate his fervent fanbase who insist that Blade Runner is the greatest science fiction film of all time. It’s not. It may be the most beautiful, but it’s cold and empty, which is typical of a Ridley Scott film. Looks great, but with a heart of ice.  I didn’t expect this to be any different and I was right.  Basically a prequel to Alien because Scott was convinced someone besides himself thought the dead alien pilot they found in the first film was interesting, the film takes two hours to explain what anyone with a brain knew: the ship was transporting eggs, one got loose and killed him.  But even Ridley Scott knew that wasn’t enough so the actual plot is on how life on earth may have been founded by that same race of aliens and an expedition is sent off to find them, led by the absolute dumbest, most deserving-to-die bunch of scientists you’ve ever seen.  Seriously, if the goal was to have a cast of people you want to see eaten, Scott succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.  There are actually two scientists who quite rationally flee any type of contact with alien life, but when they come face-to-face with it, literally stop to fucking touch it and you can imagine how that turns out for them.  I won’t even get into the scientist who’s driving this entire thing (Noomi Rapace, the original Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) doesn’t do so based on any actual science, but faith alone. Sorry, but that’s the exact opposite of a fucking scientist.  Her boyfriend, who is also supposedly a scientist, gets drunk in a petulant hissy-fit because when they arrive on the planet all they find initially are corpses.  Seriously!?!  You find proof of intelligent alien life, the exact alien life you were looking for along with their technology and you’re butt-hurt because they’re not there to have a conversation with you!?!  Somebody get this guy a face-hugger quick. The saving grace of this film is Michael Fassbender as the android David.  He carries this film on his back and honestly when the most interesting and sympathetic character onscreen isn’t even human you’ve failed.  Still, like the original android in the Alien series, he’s not quite to be trusted, but at least in his case he’s earned it as pretty much everyone on the ship treats him like utter crap.  What’s funny is that his time alone while the humans are in hypersleep is pretty much the same of that as Wall-E, except he watches Lawrence of Arabia, rather than My Fair Lady. So don’t piss off Wall-E, you fat bastards.

 

BLUDGEN-Y

Snow White & The Huntsman is down to number two giving Charlize Theron two apparently successful, yet ultimately mediocre films in the top ten wherein she plays blonde ice queens.  Alfred Hitchcock would have loved her.  She’s come a long way since her catfight with Teri Hatcher in 2 Days in the Valley, which launched her career.  Also in this movie are a who’s who of crotchety old English dudes in Bob Hoskins, Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Toby Jones and Nick Frost…as the Seven Dwarves.  Seriously.  Only because this movie is all serious and shit, they don’t have names like Dopey and Doc because they’re warrior dwarves.  Yes, I’m still serious.  Still, they could have had names like “Killy” and “Stabby” and “Throat Slitty.”  Apparently actual little people are somewhat pissed at losing work over this and I suppose they have a point. These guys work in regular films all the time.  Not too many dwarves get cast as the CEO of a company or a police chief unless it’s a joke and even those jokes are few and far between.

 

HI, I WAS HOT FOR 15 MINUTES IN 2007

Men In Black 3 is down to number four and also in this for about five minutes is the former lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls, Nichole Scherzinger.  Yeah, no one in the audience cared either.

 

MMMM, YOU SMELL LIKE LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

The Avengers is down to number five and they’ve started to rerun Chris Evans’s Gucci commercial from two years ago to try and catch a little heat from its billion dollar success.  Yeah, that’d be a good idea if the thing weren’t so freaking stylized you can’t tell who the fuck that is.

 

JOHN CANDY COULD NEVER MAKE IT TODAY

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel holds at number six with What To Expect When You’re Expecting holding at number seven and Battleship down to number eight and you know who else is in this?  Freaking Turtle from entourage.  I couldn’t tell you where but that’s understandable given he’s lost about a hundred pounds and no longer looks like himself.  Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen and now Jerry Ferrara would like you to know that while it’s still better to be a fat dude than a fat girl, it’s still not good to be fat in Hollywood.  And now you know why I never made it as an actor.  More chicken fingers over here!

 

WE’RE JUST GOING TO IGNORE THE OCEAN’S 11 SEQUELS, OKAY?

The Dictator is down to number nine, followed by Moonrise Kingdom entering the top ten at number ten.  Now I do like Wes Anderson, but like so many indie filmmakers he has a tendency to be a tad too precious and whimsical for the sake of being precious and whimsical and when it works it’s amazing. Unfortunately it misses more than it hits and this looks like one big cutesy, twee, eccentric miss.  The only thing it’s missing is fucking Zoey Deschanel.  Sadly, he may sit alongside much, much, much lesser talents like Kevin Smith and Ed Burns as guys whose first films that suggested so much more, but soon stood out as actually the best they could do.  Makes you realize just how impressive Steven Soderbergh is to make sex, lies and videotape and to just keep getting better.

 

“IT’S DAGGONE ELEMENTARY THAR WATSON”

The summer TV season has kicked off and on my list was Longmire, based on a series of books by the same name.  It’s about a sheriff in Wyoming and it’s done in a very laconic, style, which I suppose, is another word for slow, but I prefer “deliberate.” It’s setting a style and mood in a Clint Eastwod kinda way and I appreciate it (while ironically hating when Eastwood does it), but I understand why others may have fallen asleep.  Longmire is a sheriff slowly beginning to crawl out the hole of grief he went into when his wife died a year previously, but it’s too little, too late for his deputy who is now running against him in the next election creating serious office tension. His other deputy is Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, who is a former homicide detective from Philadelphia, which we learn in a clumsy piece of expository dialogue in the first five minutes.  His best friend is Lou Diamond Philips who runs the local bar and apparently will serve as his unofficial liaison to the Indian reservation where Longmire has no jurisdiction and less help since he put their police chief in prison. Basically, it’s a western wrapped around a police procedural and I’m okay with that. The pilot was bit clumsy but most are, so I’m willing to give it some time to grow.

 

JUST DON’T BLOW ANYONE ONSCREEN, HONEY

One hallmark of an indie film is the number of visible moles on the stars.  Hollywood likes people to be perfect, but in indie town we keeps it real. Sadly this is what was on my mind during Lola Versus because it’s not like what was going on onscreen was all that compelling.  I was down for a little shot-in-NYC indie romantic comedy about a girl dealing with her life after he fiancée breaks up with her, but because it’s indie I was expecting something different than what I’d find Kate Hudson doing and aside from a few raunchy moments, that simply didn’t happen.  It’s so freaking conventional I’m surprised “Suddenly I See” doesn’t appear on the soundtrack during the montage sequence (yes, there is a montage sequence where she “finally pulls it all together”).  In addition to that crap we get a dirty-talking, man-hungry female sidekick, a nice sensitive male best friend who becomes a love interest, wacky parents, funny co-workers…etc.  And aside from a few witty wisecracks here and there, does nothing to elevate or re-imagine the concepts.  Greta Gerwig is the Lola of the title, but honestly she should be called Chloe Sevigny 2.0 because that’s who she looks like, that’s who she sounds like and that’s who she acts like, but I guess since Sevigny put Vincent Gallo’s dick in her mouth onscreen people have been looking for a new one.  One advantage Sevigny definitely has is nudity, because it’s utterly stupid that Gerwig and even the guys are constantly having sex with their shirts on.  Yeah, that’s the kind of edge you expect from indie film—or Lifetime TV.