Tag Archives: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

IT’S RAINING ABS

2 Jul

1. Ted/Universal                                                Wknd/$   54.1            Total/$  54.1

 2. Magic Mike/Warner                                    Wknd/$   34.0            Total/$  39.2

 3. Brave/Disney                                                Wknd/$   34.0            Total/$ 131.7

 4. Madea’s Witness Protection/LGF            Wknd/$   26.4            Total/$  26.4

 5. Madagascar 3/Dreamworks                       Wknd/$   11.8            Total/$ 180.0

 6. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter         Wknd/$     6.0            Total/$  29.0

 7. Prometheus/Fox                                           Wknd/$     4.9            Total/$ 118.3

 8. Moonrise Kingdom/Focus                          Wknd/$     4.9            Total/$   18.4

 9. Snow White & The Huntsman/U              Wknd/$     4.4            Total/$ 145.6

10.People Like Us/Touchstone                       Wknd/$     4.3            Total/$    4.3

 

IF YOU SAW THIS, YOU’RE IMMATURE, OUT OF SHAPE AND A YOU HAVE A TINY PENIS

I have to give it up to the marketing people at Universal. Opening Ted—a movie made for men with the emotional maturity and sense of humor of a 14-year-old—against Magic Mike was a stroke of sheer genius. Many men were clearly threatened by it and what better place for them to take solace than a comedy from the creator of Family Guy?  The theater must have stunk with the smell of testosterone and fear.  I’ve never been a fan of Family Guy for the reasons everyone from the writers of to South Park to the writers of The Simpsons (who have both mocked Family Guy on their shows) has given: it’s lazy, immature humor. Now the idea that a childhood toy coming to life to still be with you getting drunk and watching 25 years later is actually funny. Funnier still is that no one thinks it’s a big deal any longer because of America’s short attention span.  What isn’t funny is pretty much every joke in the trailer.  Ooh, look! The stuffed bear talks dirty!  Oh, look he’s being dirty again. And again. Oh, and again.  Really, that’s it?  That’s all you can do with this premise?

 

IF YOU SAW THIS YOU DON’T WANT ANYONE WHO SAW TED

Magic Mike opens at number two, but it’s already made over 5 times its $7M dollar budget, which makes it as successful as The Avengers in its first week alone. It’s this year’s Sex & The City, meaning the movie you and your girlfriends go to on girl’s night out.  And when I say “girlfriends” I don’t necessarily mean all women either.  The movie was also marketed very well as a girl’s night out event, which ironically helped Ted as it sent an entire group of men in the opposite direction. Good thing too, because I’m pretty sure if all the theaters were like the one I went into in Chelsea with lasers, a DJ and shirtless go-go boys they wouldn’t have lasted very long.  That said, the simple fact it’s about male strippers is about as edgy as it gets.  The story is oddly very old fashioned and if you replaced “stripping” with virtually any other type of entertaining, it’s the same thing.  They could be stand up comedians and the story of the older, but relatively young guy taking a newbie under his wing only to see him let the success go to his head spiral out of control, threatening to take the older guy down with him.  In addition the older guy is falling for the younger guy’s sister.  If you made it in the 50’s they could be rock & roll musicians.  If you made it in the 40’s they could be lounge singers (if they’d made it in the 70’s it would still be strippers, but with it would probably end with a body count to rival Hamlet.).  It’s the same story and the reason they keep using it is because it works, like Pygmalion or Cinderella.  A rise and fall alongside a fall and rise with a little romance thrown in.  It’s a good stock plot on which to justify lots and lots of barely clad men with no bodyfat.  This is the other reason boys fled to Ted.  It reminded them that women also have ideals of physical perfection that they will never, ever meet.  Seriously, some of these guys look like comic book characters they’re so cut and defined. It’s ridiculous.  And intimidating.  So much so I’m doing crunches as I type this. And by “crunches” I mean “eating chocolate caramels.”

 

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, LADIES

Brave is down to number three and this is somewhat sad given how Madgascar 3: We’re Not Even As Good As A Bad Pixar Film held the stop slot for weeks.  But it hasn’t even made budget worldwide which is not good because they’re going to blame it on a female lead, especially right after The Princess & The Frog also disappointed, but the truth is neither film was that good. Now Mulan was successful despite being a musical. Know why? It was good.  See, not that hard.

 

SCIENCE FICTION IS “TYLER PERRY’S GOOD MOVIE”

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection opens at number four, followed by Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted at number five with Prometheus down to number six and if you needed another reason to hate this movie, know that it’s inspired Tyler Perry to try and make his own science fiction movie because he was so disappointed by it and loves science fiction.  I’m going to assume you love good movies too, Tyler, but it’s never resulted in you making one.  You know who else loves science fiction?  Eddie Murphy. The results?  The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Meet Dave.  Oh, and there’s this guy George Lucas who also couldn’t make a good science fiction movie if his life depended on it, but I’ve no doubt he loves them as well.

 

GIVING A BRUTHA HIS DUE

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is down to number seven and also in this is Anthony Mackie as Lincoln’s best friend since childhood who helps him fight the vampires.  His role is actually based on Lincoln’s servant who, when he died Lincoln had buried in Arlington of all places and on his tombstone inscribed “Citizen.”  Hmm. That’s pretty heavy for a butler.  Are we sure this is fiction?

 

THE MOVIE WHERE BEING CUTE WAS APPROPRIATE

Moonrise Kingdom re-enters the top ten at number eight and while I’m still taking the advice of friends I respect and not seeing this, I did finally catch The Fantastic Mr. Fox on-sale at Best Buy for just $10.  This had the misfortune to be released at the same time as Up, because honestly it’s on par with the best Pixar films and would have deserved the Academy Award just as much.

 

ONE THING MAKES PERFECT SENSE. THE OTHER NOT SO MUCH

Snow White & The Huntsman is down to number nine and People Like Us enters the top ten at number ten with Chris Pine as Elizabeth Banks’ unknown half-brother and Michelle Pfeiffer plays his mother.  I always like it when gorgeous movie stars play the parents of other pretty people. It makes more sense than when you have these average-looking people as the parents to these stunning individuals.  It’s also more fun.  And if you’re looking for a reason to be angry at the universe, know that Olivia Munn has two films in the top ten this week. Yeah, her.

Advertisements

REDHEADS ARE TROUBLE. ESPECIALLY WHEN ARMED.

24 Jun

1. Brave/Disney                                                Wknd/$   66.7            Total/$   66.7

 2. Madagascar 3/Dreamworks                      Wknd/$   20.2            Total/$ 157.6

 3. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter         Wknd/$   16.5            Total/$   16.5

 4. Prometheus/Fox                                           Wknd/$   10.0            Total/$ 108.5

 5. Snow White & The Huntsman/U              Wknd/$     8.0            Total/$ 137.1

 6. Rock of Ages/Warners                                 Wknd/$     8.0            Total/$  28.8

 7. That’s My Boy/Sony                                     Wknd/$     7.9            Total/$  28.2

 9. MIB 3/Sony                                                   Wknd/$     5.6            Total/$ 163.3

 8. The Avengers/Disney                                  Wknd/$     7.0            Total/$ 598.3

10. Seeking A Friend…/Focus                         Wknd/$     3.8            Total/$    3.8

 

HOW ABOUT SOME COWARDICE AND AVARICE?

To no one’s surprise, Brave opens at number one and unfortunately this is not one of Pixar’s better works.  They’re never bad (no, not even Cars), but when you do something as transcendent as the first 20 minutes of Up or Wall*E the standards are much higher for you than anyone else.  And while this is better than pretty much every thing Dreamworks or Blue Sky (those horrible Ice Age movies) has ever done, by Disney standards, it’s lacking. To me, the real problem is no villain. You need some great threat to fight. It doesn’t have to be evil, as Finding Nemo proved, but some significant opposition.  What’s the issue here? Rebellious princess Merida accidentally turns her mother into a bear.  No, seriously. Not even a monster, a bear.  And she’s not even a dangerous bear, as she maintains her faculties for the most part, even continuing to wear her crown. Is the witch who provides the spell secretly evil and trying to take the kingdom like countless Disney movies?  No, she’s just wacky. Is there someone lurking who will benefit from this, like Scar in The Lion King?  Nope. Nothing will really change in the land.  Can the spell only be broken by some dangerous quest our archer princess has to embark upon, like Marlin crossing the ocean in Finding Nemo?  Nope. There’s simply no actual malice t0 be found or great task to accomplish and this results in a serious lack of drama or tension. It only kicks into gear when the king, who hates bears after losing his leg to one, starts unknowingly hunting the transformed queen as the deadline for her transformation to become permanent approaches. As always, it’s utterly gorgeous and I’m sure the hair on Merida alone took up most the computer space on the Pixar hard drives, but everyone makes pretty movies so that means nothing. Let me put it this way: when the movie is stolen by literally three little bears who are onscreen maybe five minutes, you’ve got a serious problem.

 

NEXT: THOMAS JEFFERSON, WEREWOLF SLAYER!

Speaking of lackluster animated movies, Madagascar 3 is down to number two, followed by Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter opening at number three and this is so wonderfully and gloriously ridiculous it may well be the most fun I’ve had at the movies all year.  How can you not love a movie wherein Harriet Tubman and Mary Todd Lincoln use the Underground Railroad to deliver silver bullets to the Union Soldiers at Gettysburg because Jefferson Davis has made a pact with the vampires to fight for the Confederacy.  No I’m not kidding. It’s that awesome! And it’s almost immediate as the film opens with 8-year-old Abe going to the aid of a boy who being taken away as a slave even though he’s free and the whip comes directly at the camera!  Sensitivity to African-Americans be damned! We gotta justify our inflated 3D ticket prices!  Needless to say this boy grows up to be Lincoln’s right hand as he enters politics and even onto the White House. You say there’s nothing in the history books about Abe’s black best bud?  Whitewashing, I say! Just as they hid his kung-fu axe skills.  What makes this great is that everyone plays it straight no matter how insane it gets.  No winking at the camera here as Lincoln explains the only way to stop the vampires….is to end slavery.  Again, I’m not kidding.   With no respect for history, physics, logic, the continuing sensitivity to slavery by African-Americans or a president regarded as one of our greatest this movies takes us back to a time when such crass filmmaking was commonplace: the 70’s. Whenever someone brings up that bullshit about it being Hollywood’s last creative time period, give them one word: Mandingo. Speaking of which, only thing missing from this movie is some gratuitous interracial sex with Lincoln and some slave love interest…at an orgy.  Not to mention with Mary Todd…with his hat still on. If they’d made this in the 70’s we would have gotten both.

 

NEITHER QUANTITY NOR QUALITY

Prometheus is down to number four followed by Snow White & The Huntsman at number five and having two big budget films in the top ten kinda makes this The Summer of Charlize Theron (formerly known as The Summer of Channing Tatum until GI Joe 2 was moved to next spring).  She was actually supposed to be the idiot scientist played by Noomi Rapace but was waiting on the new Road Warrior movie to begin shooting so she opted for the smaller role insisting “…it’s better to have a smaller role in a great film, rather than star in a crap one.”  Well, she failed in that endeavor as she’s starring and supporting in crap films, so it’s actually The Critically Crappy Summer of Charlize Theron, because believe it or not both films are somewhat if not extraordinarily successful.  If it seems like she’s suddenly everywhere when she was nowhere before, it’s not your imagination.  Unlike say, Nicholas Cage (who’s probably in both these movies if you look hard enough), Theron only makes on average one or two movies a year.  You’d think this would mean better films, but you’d be wrong.

 

YOU REMIND ME…HOW MUSICAL ARTISTS ALMOST ALWAYS MAKE BAD MOVIES

Rock of Ages is down to number six and honestly what the hell has happened to Mary J. Blige!?!  Why is she here!?!  When has she ever, ever been associated with rock?  Shouldn’t she have been in the upcoming (and probably disappointing) remake of Sparkle.  It’s like they wanted Tina Turner but couldn’t afford her…or she saw the stage show and said “Fuck no.”  Not to mention this is one big joke and Mary has never had the greatest sense of humor about herself or anything else.  It’s called “No More Drama” not “No More Comedy.”

 

WHY? BECAUSE HE CAN.

That’s My Boy is down to number seven and the failures of the Gossip Girl cast continue as this also stars Leighton Meester as the fiancée of Andy Samberg.  Yeah, that’s how you know it’s both a comedy and an Adam Sandler movie because goofy-looking muthafuckas get girls like her.

 

BOY’S CLUB

The Avengers is down to number eight, followed by MIB 3 at number nine and while this has made $163M domestically, it’s made more than twice that overseas meaning Hollywood probably won’t stop beating this dead horse yet.  Though how they’ll convincingly make a 4th one is beyond me as Tommy Lee Jones looks like he’s 80 in this.  It’s clearly no accident the plot keeps him off-screen in favor of Josh Brolin.  Granted, he never looked young even when he was, but all the jokes Will Smith makes about his age in this movie have a disturbing ring of truth.  Logically, his character should have assumed the job that Rip Torn had and Will Smith mentoring a new partner but that makes entirely too much sense, which is why Linda Fiorentino had to be let go.  No, I’m not letting that go. She was a great part of the first film and I’m still waiting for them to notice that.

 

MISSING 2005 ARE WE?

Finally, Seeking A Friend At The End of the World opens at number ten and since we’re talking about an average looking guy being paired with a hot girl, look no further than this and honestly that alone was enough to put me off this. Granted, they’re supposed to be friends but even as a platonic pairing it’s not something I or anyone else would like to see for that matter. And how many times is Steve Carrell going to play this role?  Didn’t he just do it last year in Crazy Stupid Love?  Does that make this Crazy Stupid Love At The End of the World?  And Keira Knightely is starting to miss Pirates of the Caribbean more than Orlando Bloom and that’s saying something.

 

THE LOVESEAT IS A LITTLE OLE PLACE WHERE WE CAN SIT TOGETHER

So, I’ve done an adult thing. I bought a couch.  I kinda had one before because my futon bed of over 15 years could be converted into one.  Then the women around me let it be known that they’d never have sex in such a thing and that it was somewhat immature (my thanks goes out to all those women who were clearly sluts because they actually did have sex with me in it).  I replaced it with a real bed, but this meant in the event I should ever have any kind of company, there was no longer any place to sit but the bed, and while that was the ultimate destination it’s somewhat tacky to start there.  So at the end of last year I began to slowly try and clear my space of clutter to allow for a small couch, probably a loveseat.  I got rid of all my CD towers and subsequently the jewel cases and put my CD’s into books.  You know, like someone of my friends have wisely been doing since Day 1.  Next came the search for a couch to fit the space and the budget.  Leather was not happening, nor was used.  Unless it’s a friend, that’s like getting a used mattress. You don’t know what the fuck was happening on it and I mean “fuck” literally.  Granted, your friends probably fuck on theirs too, but you’re already exposed to their germs.  Finally the answer to home needs came as they always do: from IKEA.  $150 would not only get me a small couch that fits the space, but it actually becomes a bed, so the next time someone visits I won’t have to awkwardly share my bed (seriously, dude, I love you, man, but we will never do that again).  Of course delivery was $100 (plus the tip for the movers) and IKEA wouldn’t have to me for two weeks.  Maybe. I looked for “Man With Van” like we used to in the old days, but they weren’t much better and then someone suggested U-Haul, which I totally forgot about in the city.  Sure enough there’s one a block away from me, so one fine Saturday afternoon, I got myself a pick up truck and headed off to Red Hook. To save money I went with three hours rather than the recommended four, which I thought I was clever until it took me an hour just to get out of the fucking city.  Seriously, what is wrong with you people who drive here?  It’s insane!  It took me no time to pick up my current Movie Buddy/Full Time Geek Girl from her place in Brooklyn to help me with it and even less time to get it from IKEA.  Getting back into the city and back up to my place was over a fucking hour. I can ride to IKEA on my bike in 45 minutes!!!  As it turns out the couch was not that heavy or large and I theoretically could have done it alone, but it was still nice to have help. I rewarded her with booze and empanadas, ‘cause I’m classy.  I put it together in less than half an hour and promptly took a nap on it to break it in.  It works.

 

PICTURES OF LILLY

So long as I’m improving my life, I signed up to take formal classes to learn how to use my camera.  Every time I think I’ve gotten better, I wind up with a bunch of incredibly shitty photos that say otherwise. You people only see the 3 or 4 good ones; not the 196 bad ones I deleted.  So, like everything I do, there was literally months of internet research to find one that fit my budget and needs. Mostly my budget because I need everything.  Real courses at places like School of Visual Arts were out of the question.  I don’t a $1,000 worth of interest in this.  Also, seminars and the like simply weren’t enough and they begin to add up.  Internet and home courses depended on my personal ability to motivate myself, so that was clearly out of the question, leaving the half-dozen or so various schools here in Manhattan (I also don’t care enough about this to go to Brooklyn either).  I narrowed it down to two and while one was reviewed better on Yelp!, it was a) more expensive, b) I missed the window to start and c) on the east side in midtown.  PhotoManhattan was left and it was a) cheaper (even moreso if you paid in advance), b) starting the next week and c) on 14th & 6th.  I’d sooner ride further downtown than closer to anything on the east side.  Real talk!  One of the complaints about the place was the cramped space so imagine how nice it was to hear the guy tell us when I walked in that this was their new space with a big open window. Score!  It’s a class of 15 people ranging from those with $1000 cameras who know nothing about them to a producer of films who just is tired of being the only guy on set who can’t take nice pictures to people like me who know a little something, but only a little.  It’s only 3 guys and I’m not sure what that says about photography, but my primary goal is to be ready the next time some guy stops me and asks if I want to go to Staten Island and take pictures of girls in a hotel room.  You’d think it’d be mostly guys for that reason alone.  The teacher is an attractive young woman from South Africa who has the patience of a saint, because two hours in that room of people flashing at me would have resulted in murder.  She laughed it off saying that she doesn’t even notice any longer—right after she calmly explained how they could take shots without blinding her.  It’s an 8-week course of the basics and the fact that I learned what the fuck white balance was the first night means I’m already happy.  In 7 more weeks I’ll be ready to start my career in softcore porn.  Oh, come on. We all knew I was headed there eventually. The miracle is I’ve resisted this long.