GOING WHERE WE’VE GONE BEFORE

25 Jul

katemc
1. Star Trek Beyond/Paramount             Wknd/$ 59.6    Total/$ 59.6
2. The Secret Life of Pets/Universal       Wknd/$ 29.4   Total/$ 260.7
3. Ghostbusters/Sony                                Wknd/$ 21.6    Total/$ 86.9
4. Lights Out/New Line                             Wknd/$ 21.6    Total/$ 21.6
5. Ice Age: Collision Course/Fox             Wknd/$ 21.0    Total/$ 21.0
6. Finding Dory/Disney                             Wknd/$ 7.2      Total/$ 460.2
7. The Legend of Tarzan/WB                   Wknd/$ 6.4      Total/$ 115.8
8. Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates    Wknd/$ 4.4      Total/$ 40.4
9. Hillary’s America/QF                             Wknd/$ 3.7      Total/$ 3.7
10. The Infiltrator/BG                                Wknd/$ 3.3      Total/$ 12.2

AND NO GODDAMN LENS FLARES!
Opening at number one is Star Trek Beyond and honestly until the Rhianna song was used effectively in the trailer to give it gravitas I’d planning on giving this the same pass I gave Star Trek Insurrection, so kudos to whomever cut that thing. They deserve a serious fucking raise. Hell, I even bought the song so they got me all around. This is the first of the “nu Trek” to come even close to the original series and I don’t think it’s any coincidence it’s the first without cut-rate Spielberg, JJ Abrams. It’s akin to one of the more action oriented episodes, meaning there’s punching and shooting and things blowing up just fine, but once again there’s zero depth and no examination of anything relevant. The trailers suggest something about “the Frontier” pushing back against the Federation and I thought they’d take a look at some civilizations resenting the idea they’re being “discovered” or rejecting being part of some galactic organization. Nope. Once again the “nu Trek’s” bad guy is just some dick with a grudge, so basically they keep remaking Wrath of Khan. And they really, really, really need to stop with the callbacks to the original series. It just pulls me out of this film and reminds me how inferior it is to the source material. I know people usually love easter eggs, but not three goddamn films in. Enough already. The problem has always been the writing, never the casting so Chris Pine is finally allowed to play Kirk as a captain and not a frat boy failing upwards, but goddamn he’s aging fast. They’re going to be recasting this thing any day now. Zachary Quinto has always been good as Spock and how they address the death of Leonard Nimoy in the film makes an old geek a little misty. All the other cast members do as much with their roles as they can in what is a pretend ensemble piece (it’s always about Kirk & Spock and everybody knows it).

THIS YEAR’S FUNNY BLONDE
The Secret Life of Pets is down to number two, followed by Ghostbusters at number three and Kate McKinnon is awesome. Sadly there probably won’t be a sequel to this where they can give her direction and character beyond, “Be as weird as possible for no reason.” Basically she’s the Harold Ramis character in this film but replace small bits of wit (“Print is dead.” “I collect spores, molds and fungus.” “It would be a Twinkie 35 feet long weighing approximately 600 lbs.”) with excessive mugging. But her wink makes boys and girls alike melt. She’s a comedic superstar just waiting to happen.

SERIOUSLY, IT’S FUCKED UP
Lights Out opens at number three and as we all know I don’t do the scary and this looks scary to the point of being utterly. fucked. up. Being haunted by a creature that appears when the lights go out!?! Could you channel primal fucking fears any better? I will never fucking see this more than I’ll never see all the other horror movies released. If you’re just basically competent this should work. Hell, there was another, less creepy version of this 13 years ago called Darkness Falls that also made money. In fact, the only odd thing about it was the lack of a sequel. This, however will probably get one, having cost $5M and making FOUR TIMES that much the opening weekend. And I’m not going to point out the irony of a female led ghost movie outdoing the female led Ghostbusters movie. Nope. Not me.

DID I MENTION IT WAS SHITTY AND LAME?
Ice Age: Collision Course opens at number five and if I weren’t an atheist I’d pray that this poor opening would mean an end to this shitty, shitty, fucking lame animated franchise. I only saw the shitty, shitty fucking lame first installment, but I sincerely doubt it got any less shitty or fucking lame.

THIS YEAR’S SEXY BLONDE
Finding Dory is down to number six, followed by The Legend of Tarzan at number seven and while this is a blow to the leading man career of Alexander Skarsgard, it’s not doing anything to Margot Robbie other than keeping her in the public eye until she truly blows up which seems to be the case in the upcoming Suicide Squad. Fortunately for her, the male leads are getting the blame for the failure of these. Last time it was Will Smith in Focus. Makes sense as they undoubtedly got paid much more.

BITING THE HAND THAT FEEDS YOU FOR FUN AND PROFIT
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates is down to number eight with Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party opening at number nine and there seems to be a growing sub-category of right-wing-conspiracy nut films. I’d love to see the money trail of who really paid for this. This is the second one from self-hating brown person Dinesh D’Souza (writer, director and star of course) who last went after Obama in—you guessed it—Obama’s America. I wonder if he’s aware of the irony that actually succeeding with these films in tarnishing or bringing down his targets would put him out of a job? I think he does and he’s voting Hilary in November so he can bank on a sequel and a second home in the mountains.

IT AIN’T SHOW ART, IT’S SHOW BUSINESS. NO BUSINESS, NO SHOW.
Finally, The Infiltrator closes out the top ten at number ten and Bryan Cranston needs to generate some green to go along with his accolades because prestige only goes so far. But I think he knows that already which is why he was in Godzilla two years ago, Kung Fu Panda this year and Power Rangers next year. He’s been in this business too long not to know its realities.

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