I’VE GOT A BRIDGE TO SELL YOU

1 Mar

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1. Focus/WB                                                   Wknd/$ 19.1   Total/$ 19.1
2. Kingsman: The Secret Service/Fox       Wknd/$ 11.8   Total/$ 85.7
3. The SpongeBob Movie/Par                     Wknd/$ 11.2   Total/$ 140.3
4. Fifty Shades of Grey/ Universal             Wknd/$ 10.9  Total/$ 147.8
5. The Lazarus Effect/Relativity                 Wknd/$ 10.6  Total/$ 10.6
6. McFarland, USA/Disney                          Wknd/$ 7.8    Total/$ 22.0
7. American Sniper/Warner                         Wknd/$ 7.7    Total/$ 331.1
8. The Duff/LionsGate                                  Wknd/$ 7.2    Total/$ 20.1
9. Still Alice/SPC                                            Wknd/$ 2.7    Total/$ 2.7
10. Hot Tub Time Machine 2/Par               Wknd/$ 2.4    Total/$ 10.3

IT’S CLEAR TO ME HOW LITTLE I CARE
Focus opens at number one and in it Will Smith plays a con man…and that’s pretty much where I lost all interest. I cannot stand con man and heist movies. Could not give less of a shit. Some people love ’em, but not me. David Mamet adores con movies and wants to do them the way John Ford did westerns, but I’d sooner see a horror movie than watch heist/con movie. The best part of Ocean’s Eleven is the gathering at the beginning. I stop watching once the actual heist plan starts. That’s how little I care. I know that “they’re all the same” can be applied to pretty much any genre, but it’s particularly annoying with the heist/con flick because it’s going to go one of three ways: 1) it works with the possible exception of painfully faux hiccups that our super-heist/con men improvise their way through, 2) it fails, but this is because one one heist/con men has been conning the other to get all the money all along and 3) it works and afterward everyone starts to betray/kill one another. This looks like the second and I could really care less.

IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE I THINK HE’S AN IDIOT
Kingsman: The Secret Service holds at number two and also in this as the villain is Samuel L. Jackson and is no one going to talk about the fact he’s playing a cross between Bill Gates and Russell Simmons? Especially the latter, all the way down to a man his age stupidly trying to dress like a 20-year-old with a baseball cap on crooked. I mean he’s even got the lisp!

GOOD FOR THE GANDER, NOT SO MUCH FOR THE GOOSE
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water is down to number three followed by 5o Shades of Gray finally dropping to number four and the unfortunate male lead, Jamie Dornan, was doomed from the beginning, because while there may have been better choices (as we discussed last week) no one was really going to be the Christian Grey that exists only in the minds of the fans of the book, so perhaps the only thing they can agree upon is that it’s not this guy. Poor Jamie. You know he got the same speech from his agents that Dakota Johnson got from hers about a role like this making his career: “…it’s a small price to pay…it’ll create more opportunities…it’ll pay for smaller artistic films”…only it actually seems to be working for her.

YOU WON THE GENETIC LOTTERY. LET THAT BE ENOUGH.
The Lazarus Effect opens at number five and remember what I said about movies I just don’t like to see? Well of course the only two wide release films to open this week were in both categories I don’t like and here we have the second: the scary. And by now I think we’ve learned that if Olivia Wilde is in it, it will suck. Such is the most common fate of the Hot Girl or Guy of The Moment who takes every big movie thrown his or her way in hopes it will cement them, but due to a lack of luck none of them do. I say “luck” rather than blaming them for a bad movie, because 50 Shades of Grey is a bad movie and that’s just leapfrogged Dakota Johnson ahead of all the other girls in the trenches. You know someone who made a movie with both James Bond and Indiana Jones that was directed by the guy who brought Iron Man into the world is wondering just what the hell went wrong for her.

BUT I WON’T PRETEND PRIME SUSPECT WAS GOOD EITHER
McFarland USA drops to number six and also in this is Maria Bello and between this and Grown Ups clearly someone clearly has mortgage payments to make. She deserves so much better than to play the wife for actors who could never get her (looking at you, Kevin James) and are too old for her like Kevin Costner, who was playing an over-the-hill baseball player 3o years ago in Bull Durham when Bello was finishing her senior year of college.

THE WE-OWED-YOU-ONE AWARD
Oscar-Free American Sniper drops one notch to number seven, followed by The DUFF at number eight and buoyed by Julianne Moore’s Oscar win to number nine is Still Alice. And good for all of you, but I’m still not rushing to a film about a brilliant mind dealing with early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s just too depressing for me no matter how good it is. The Constant Gardner is a good film. Doesn’t exactly leave you jumping for joy either. But I’m glad she finally won, even though it means I was denied my “Two Best Actress Winners Once Fought To Death in A Bond Film” dream.

THE END
Finally, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 closes out the top ten at number ten.

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