WE GOT COAL IN THE THEATERS THIS YEAR

29 Dec

mark-wahlberg-ck

1. The Hobbit: Battle of the 5 Armies          Wknd/$ 41.4   Total/$ 168.5
2. Unbroken/Universal                                 Wknd/$ 31.7   Total/$ 47.3
3. Into the Woods/Disney                            Wknd/$ 31.0   Total/$ 46.1
4. Night at the Museum: Secret…               Wknd/$ 20.6   Total/$ 55.3
5. Annie/Sony                                              Wknd/$ 16.6   Total/$ 45.8
6. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Pt. 1    Wknd/$ 10.8   Total/$ 306.7
7. The Gambler/Paramount                         Wknd/$ 9.3     Total/$ 14.3
8. The Imitation Game/Weinstein                Wknd/$ 7.9     Total/$ 14.6
9. Exodus: Gods and Kings/Fox                 Wknd/$ 6.8     Total/$ 52.5
10. Wild/FoxSearchlight                              Wknd/$ 5.4     Total/$ 16.4

I’LL TAKE “QUESTIONS NO ONE EVER ASKED” FOR A $100, ALEX
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies holds at number one and it’s bad enough that they stretched this out to three movies but they include a scene to set up the first Lord of the Rings movie, because it was killing you not knowing how Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen met. It’s so painfully contrived I’m surprised that Liv Tyler’s character doesn’t get mentioned as well.

WHILE I COMPLAIN HOW THE CABLE GOING OUT AGAIN IS KILLING ME
Unbroken opens at number two and this is the true story of a man who not only survived inhuman hardships (WWII, being shot down, Japanese prison camp), but also excelled in his personal life (Olympian). It’s supposed to be inspirational, but honestly it just kind of reminds you of what a loser you are. Yeah, you!

TO BE FAIR I DIDN’T SEE THE NON-SINGING LITTLE RIDING HOOD EITHER
Into the Wood opens at number three and I thought and considered seeing this given the obvious fantasy element (after all I did see that lame Jack & The Beanstalk movie last year), but I simply could not get over the musical part. Sorry, but if Gene Kelly isn’t dancing, I’m not down. I hate it even in animated movies. Somewhere down the line, for people to stop and start singing just began to rub me the wrong way. Bear in mind if I could sing my way though life I most certainly would. “Stop, wait a minute Mr. Postman/Did my package come from eBay/I was hoping to get it today…” I just don’t want to watch other people do it. Especially in that “musical theater” style.

THE SKILLS THAT PAY THE BILLS
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb is down to number four and honestly I can’t blame Ben Stiller for doing either these or those horrible Meet the Parents movies when films like The Secret Life of Walter Mitty just die on the vine. You tried, the public said no so you give them the crap they deserve and make sure your kids go to a nice college. I ain’t mad atcha.

ALSO KENNY ROGERS ISN’T IN IT
Speaking of musicals I will never see, Annie is down to number five, followed by The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 at six and The Gambler opening up at number seven and this briefly interested me, but I have a problem with movies whose plotlines are based solely on the protagonist stops making mistakes. If he stops being stupid, you have no movie. Needless to say, a movie about a man with a gambling addiction simply isn’t going to work for me. Yeah, I know it’s a compulsion he can’t help and I’m being uncharitable, but it’s not like he’s struggling with cancer or even a drug addiction where the body physically suffers. He’s just getting off on the rush. Not to mention any movie where Mark Wahlberg is playing a good-looking professor is straining my suspension of disbelief, starting with that good-looking part. Call him sexy, call him charismatic, but do not pretend he’s good looking, ‘cause he ain’t. He ain’t by his own admission, which, ironically, is one of the reasons I do like him. But in other movies.

ALTERNATE TITLE: UNGRATEFUL
The Imitation Game enters the top ten at number eight and this is based on the true story of the man who helped break he Nazi spy code and was later destroyed by a seriously ungrateful British government for being gay. Yep, nothing like that uplifting Oscar bait. Remember the Oscar requirements: mentally or physically disabled, addicted to something, gay or die. It helps in you can combine them and do it with an accent. This has at least three of those for star Benedict Cumberbatch.

TRIVA: IN THE 50’S THE EGYTIAN ARMY WAS USED IN THE FILM
Down to number nine, Exodus: Gods & Kings is getting hated all over the globe it seems. The Egyptian government just banned it for sucking. Okay, that’s not entirely true because then Transformers wouldn’t play there. It was banned for taking too many liberties with The Bible, aka “Enough with the lily white historical stories. No one in this damn thing looks like us and it takes place here!” On one hand I’d delighted to Ridley Scott fail, but on the other this will just push him back to trying to make more Alien movies for money.

CUTE BLONDE GOES FOR A WALK. PEOPLE PAY TO SEE IT.
Finally, Wild holds at number ten.

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FORMER BOY WONDER PHOTOGRAPHY

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