THE WEEKEND WHERE NO ONE CARED.

7 Sep

zoe-saldana
1. Guardians of the Galaxy/Disney                 Wknd/$ 10.2 Total/$ 294.6
2. Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles/Par            Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 174.6
3. If I Stay/WB                                                    Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 39.7
4. Let’s Be Cops/Fox                                          Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 66.6
5. The November Man/Relativity                    Wknd/$ 4.2 Total/$ 17.9
6. As Above/So Below/Universal                    Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 15.6
7. When The Game Stands Tall/TS                 Wknd/$ 3.7 Total/$ 23.5
8. The Giver/Weinstein                                     Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 37.8
9. The Hundred-Foot Journey/Disney          Wknd/$ 3.2 Total/$ 45.7
10. Lucy/WB                                                        Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$ 121.2

COLOR BLIND
Guardians of the Galaxy holds at number three and also in this is Zoe Saldana and you have to wonder if it has escaped her that she’s been basically unrecognizable in two giant science fiction hits. First, she was a big blue CGI creature in Avatar and here she’s a green alien. I’d be a little worried, but apparently she isn’t, as she’s given to stupid statements like Obama being in office means she doesn’t have to worry about race in casting. Yeah, she needs to have a coffee with Jennifer Beals about this before the Marvel Movie Money Train runs dry. Maybe Rae Dawn “I’m Not Black” Chong can join them. Better yet, Andy Serkis. You know him, right? No? He was Gollum in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, not to mention Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Yeah, that’s what being covered in science fiction and fantasy films does for you. Or does anyone want to tell me about Anthony Daniels’ great career? He was C3PO. This is sad because I kinda like how she said, she fucked somebody on the train from Coney Island because she was “ghetto like that.”

ISN’T MELODRAMATIC TEEN A REDUNDANCY?
Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles holds at number two, followed by If I Stay at number three and this snuck in under the wire to be a summer hit, $33M domestic from an $11M budget, so it may be time for me to get to writing a Young Adult novel, because between this and The Fault In Our Stars, the YA movie genre has expanded beyond science fiction (Hunger Games, Divergent) and Fantasy (Twilight, Harry Potter). Of course I may be out of my depth given this new moneymaking genre is “Tragic Teen Girl.” This comes not a moment too soon for Chloe Grace Moretz, who seemed primed for kid stardom with the unexpected success of Kick Ass due in no small part to her role as the foul-mouthed, bloodthirsty Hit Girl. The problem was, only adults saw it and not her needed audience: kids. To correct that, they sanitized Carrie down to a PG13, which only resulted in another failure. This is why you don’t let suits make decisions.

“IT” FLOATS
Also holding (no one went to the movies because they were busy watching football) at number four is Let’s Be Cops, and the downside of this success is that the no-talent writer/director, Luke Greenfield, will be allowed more chances to be mediocre. Don’t believe me? His track record includes The Animal (Rob Schneider, which says it all), Something Borrowed (Kate Hudson, which seriously says it all) and The Girl Next Door, which is currently the center of some attempted revisionist history of it being a good more that was merely overlooked, which is bullshit. That movie blew and looking at his resume, there’s no mystery as to why.

SOMEBODY’S WORKING OUT THEIR ISSUES
Down to number five is The November Man, starring Pierce Brosnan. It’s a movie about a retired secret agent who was the best at his job drawn into conflict with his successor. Gee, we aren’t still bitter about Daniel Craig, are we, Pierce? Apparently we are. What’s worse is also in this is Olga Kurylenko, who was actually in Quantum of Solace, so the bulk of her time on-set was undoubtedly spent being asked over and over again who her favorite Bond was (the correct answer is always “Connery”). I actually do like Pierce a lot and was tempted to see this, but it just looked a little too cheap. I mean like made for Cinemax cheap. Not to mention the really sad subtext going on. You can do better, dude. That Kevin Costner spy movie? That should have been you. I’d have seen it if it were you.

HOW DO YOU SAY “I DON’T DO THE SCARY” IN FRENCH?
As Above/So Below is down to number six and this is yet another found footage movie and honestly they sit right next to “I Don’t Do The Scary” as movies I just flat out refuse to see. Getting nauseous because of the shakey cam is not high on my list of things to pay for. Fortunately they are usually one and the same, thus avoiding two birds with one stone. This time it’s tourists in the catacombs below Paris who go into a part they shouldn’t go into and get what stupid people deserve. Sorry, but so many of these movies center on people doing what they are explicit told not to do that I’ve lost any sympathy. As far as I’m concerned their eventual horrible deaths are just Darwinism in effect.

AMERICA’S PASTIME: COUCH SURFING!
When The Game Stands Tall holds at number seven, followed by The Giver holding at number eight, followed by The Hundred Foot Journey holding at number nine. Like I said, everyone was home watching football. Okay, maybe some were watching the US Open as well. Maybe.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Finally Lucy returns to the top ten at number ten and given Zoe Saldana’s stupid statements, I hope someone points out to her that she was also the female lead in an equally stupid action film written and produced by Luc Besson (someone else directed): Columbiana. Only that tanked. Hard. The difference being, people could actually see Scarlett Johansson in her big Marvel movies. Well, that and she’s white, blonde and stacked but I’m sure none of that matters, right? OF COURSE IT FUCKING MATTERS, DUMBASS!

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