NO, NOT A REMAKE OF THE DEBBIE REYNOLDS MOVIE

6 Jul

tammy-bachel_ger_58_a 1. Transformers 4/Paramount                    Wknd/$ 36.4      Total/$ 174.7
2. Tammy/Warner                                         Wknd/$ 21.2      Total/$ 32.9
3. Deliver Us From Evil/SGem                    Wknd/$ 9.5       Total/$ 15.0
4. 22 Jump Street/Sony                                Wknd/$ 9.4       Total/$ 158.9
5. How To Train Your Dragon 2/Fox         Wknd/$ 8.8       Total/$ 140.0
6. Earth to Echo/Relativity                          Wknd/$ 8.3       Total/$ 13.5
7. Maleficent/Disney                                     Wknd/$ 6.1        Total/$ 213.9
8. Jersey Boys/Warner                                 Wknd/$ 5.2        Total/$ 36.7
9. Think Like A Man Too/SGem                 Wknd/$ 4.9        Total/$ 57.2
10. Edge of Tomorrow/Warners                Wknd/$ 3.6         Total/$ 90.9

LIKE A TECHNICALLY PROFICIENT GUITAR PLAYER WITH NO SENSE OF MELODY
Transformers: Age of Extinction holds at number one and if you want to know why Michael Bay sucks but lack the film literacy than “It makes my head hurt” then watch the analysis of Tony Zhou wherein he breaks down the method to the madness. Simply put: Bay tries to pack as much into every scene as he possible can. Now on one level that makes sense when you’re dealing with giant robots fighting, but the problem is he’ll do it with two people talking and a scene with two people talking only needs to be about that conversation. Even when it’s just two robots talking it still needs only to be about that conversation, but with Bay it’s them the sky, the building and whatever the hell else he can cram into it with a camera that’s always in motion. But the analysis is only about the narrative of the film itself, not exploring why the screenplays are equally horrible. Nor does it delve into Bay’s need to have women appear in white or beautiful women in tight skirts, high heels and lots of cleavage in the background (cough “casting couch” cough). That’s fine if the character is visiting a modeling agency, not the Defense Department, but like all of his shots Bay likes to put things were they don’t belong.

A PROUD HOLLYWOOD STEREOTYPE, ER, TRADITION
Tammy opens at number two and like many a performer who has shone as sidekick or supporting character, Melissa McCarthy is not my idea of a lead because a little of her goes a long way. Not to mention the whole “dumb, fat slob” genre of comedy has always left me cold. I didn’t care for it with John Candy or Chris Farley or Jack Black and I don’t care for it here. It’s not helping that the advertising is leaving out that her character is in fact reacting to the failure of her marriage which suggests there’s a little more going on. Nonetheless, I wish her as much success as every fat bastard we’ve ever had to endure onscreen (it cost $20M and made $32M its first five days). I’m just not gonna help with it.

SCHIZOPHRENIA? NO WAY. IT’S SATAN!
Deliver Us From Evil opens at number three and this is yet another “inspired by a true story” movie complete with the actual police officer involved turning up in the ads for it, which only makes me think the requirements to join NYPD aren’t as strenuous as they might be. Then again, you don’t want to be the only police department to ask, “Do you believe in ghosts and demons” on the application. While this does fall technically under the “I Don’t Do Scary” rule it doesn’t look the slightest bit scary to me because it just seems so. stupid. Honestly, I’d respect it more if they hadn’t insisted it was based on real events, which means “serious psychological issues misinterpreted by religious nutjobs.”

THEME SONG: “TURN ON YOUR CELL PHONE LIGHT”
22 Jump Street is down to number four, followed by How To Train Your Dragon 2 at number five and Earth To Echo opening at number six and is Spielberg getting a check for this? It’s so clearly e.t.: The Extra Terrestrial for the camera phone generation it’s not even funny. You know how whenever Paul Rudd appears on a Conan O’Brien he keeps tricking Conan by showing footage from the painfully obvious e.t. rip-off Mac and Me? Well, I wouldn’t be surprised if next time he uses this.

SADLY THIS DIDN’T STAY IN VEGAS
Maleficent is down to number seven followed by Jersey Boys at number eight and Think Like A Man Too at number nine and also in this ensemble cast are Wendy Williams, Floyd Mayweather Jr, Ronald DeVoe (from New Edition and BBD), Ndaamukong Suh, Cheryl Hines, Carl Weathers and Kelsey Grammer? There are Love Boat episodes with a less diverse collection of people. What the hell? You think it was anyone who just happened to be in Vegas when they filmed this? “Hey do a scene and we’ll give you a few grand in chips.”

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BLAME COMPUTERS
Finally Edge of Tomorrow closes out the top ten at number ten and while people are looking for some reason to blame this disappointing return of a mostly positively reviewed movie on Cruise fatigue (no one really turned out for Oblivion last year either) I’m gonna put it down to the exo-skeleton armor they wear. Don’t ask me why, but even I, a science fiction and comic book loving geek who sees it all the time in print was oddly put off by it. It’s just unappealing visually. Equally unappealing were the CGI aliens. Honestly if there’s any fatigue at play here, it’s excessive CGI monster fatigue. They all look the same, like a swirling mass of pixels. Not so much threatening as boring.

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