ASSAULT OF THE 80’S REMAKES!

18 Feb

jennifer_connelly_05

 1. The LEGO Movie/WB                             Wknd/$  50.0            Total/$  130.3

 2. About Last Night/SG                               Wknd/$  25.7            Total/$   25.7

 3. RoboCop/Sony                                          Wknd/$  21.7            Total/$   26.4

 4. The Monuments Men/Sony                   Wknd/$  15.5            Total/$   44.2

 5. Endless Love/Universal                          Wknd/$  13.2            Total/$   13.2

 6. Ride Along/Universal                              Wknd/$   8.7             Total/$  116.1

 7. Winter’s Tale/Warner                              Wknd/$   7.3             Total/$     7.3

 8. Frozen/Disney                                           Wknd/$   6.2             Total/$ 376.4

 9. Lone Survivor/Universal                         Wknd/$   4.1              Total/$  118.4 

10. That Awkward Moment                          Wknd/$   3.4              Total/$   21.5

 

2ND BEST BATMAN SONG EVER

The LEGO Movie holds deservedly at number one and one particular instance of its brilliance is its skewering of Batman, though it’s sad to say, their version could be dropped into any Christopher Nolan Batman without a single change made to it so often those films crossed over to self-parody. I love my comic book superheroes, but too many geeks take it too seriously, which is why this Batman is awesome. Especially his theme song, which sums up the “modern” Batman perfectly: “DARKNESS…NO PARENTS…CONTINUED DARKNESS…MORE DARKNESS, GET IT?…THE OPPOSITE OF LIGHT…” Simply. Awesome.

 

THOUGH KEVIN HART IS  A DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENT OVER JIM BELUSHI

About Last Night begins the “Assault of the 80’s Remakes” with this remake of the 80’s film, because it sure as hell isn’t an adaptation of the of the original David Mamet play “Sexual Perversity in Chicago.”  They tried to take a Mamet play and make it into a romantic comedy-drama. Yeah, that pretty much ended up how you’d expect.  This looks like it abandoned the drama completely which is a wise idea but I was too traumatized by that horrible original film to even think of giving this a shot. Not to mention enough already with Kevin Hart. I understand you have to make that money while you can because you’ll be Tommy Davidson before you know it, but there’s such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You can actually cause your own demise with over-saturation. Especially when you’re just playing the same character over and over again, which is yourself.

 

MECHANIZED POLICE MAN ISN’T AS CATCHY

Robocop is our second entry in the “Assault of the 80’s Remakes” and this joins the recent Superman and Star Trek reboots under “Most Clueless Remakes Ever.”  The original was a bloody, satirical, action adventure film.  This is a PG13 drama with a little action and zero satire.  I realized that they’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t try to do an original film, but if you’re going to go this far off the reservation then don’t call it Superman, don’t call it Star Trek and don’t call it Robocop.  But they realize that no one wants to see their version of a superhero, their version of a space opera and their version of a cyborg police officer so they slap a name you know on it, sprinkle it liberally with cultural touchstones and boom! Instant hit, right?  Wrong. This will join Total Recall as another failure to understand what made Paul Verhoven’s films successful.  A $100M budget with a $22M opening weekend is not good. What’s sadder is that this isn’t a bad film. It’s just not a very good one and definitely not a Robocop film. It’s a drama about man struggling with his humanity after being made into 90% machine.  This would be a pretty decent pilot for a TV series but for a major motion picture it’s a dud and for a movie called “Robocop” it’s a complete and utter failure.

 

THE PRICE OF HUBRIS

The Monument Men is down to number four and being a fan of schadenfreude I know it when I see it and I see it here with people cackling at George Clooney’s writing/directing/starring flop.  It’s not a bad movie but he’s been too handsome and too successful for too long so at the first sign of weakness the vultures come out.  Not that it’s entirely undeserved. I’ve no doubt this was his attempt to have his own Argo and “beat” Ben Affleck, who is a great director and has an Oscar for screenwriting but has a miserable failure as a leading man, while Clooney has been a very successful leading man and received minor acclaim for directing and writing (remember Good Night And Good Luck, Leather Heads, The Ides of March? I didn’t think so).  Bear in mind Clooney was a producer of Argo and actually got an Oscar for it!  But clearly it wasn’t enough and as they say, pride goeth before the fall.

 

YES, I DO MIND

Endless Love rounds out our “Assault of 80’s Remakes” opening at number five and may be the least of them all and that’s sad because the original was no great shakes but at least that had Franco Zeffirelli who knew a little something about star-crossed lovers (he directed the most acclaimed movie version of Romeo & Juliet) and people knew who Brooke Shields was.  Alex Pettyfer was one of the stars of Magic Mike but people wouldn’t know him if they saw him in the street.  But the biggest crime has to be the loss of the most successful part of the original movie: the theme song by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross!  Then again who would do it? Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? I think not.

 

FACE IT.

Ride Along is down to number six giving Kevin Hart two films in the top ten.  Two very successful films in the top ten.  Sigh.

 

NOBODY LIKES YOU. SERIOUSLY.

Winter’s Tale opens at number seven and I thought Colin Farrell was making a nice little comeback playing supporting roles.  He should have stuck to that plan because clearly no one wants to see him in a leading role.  No one.  Not to mention my own personal pet peeve of when producers keep casting guys who were once the “Hot New Thing” in young roles after they’ve clearly aged out of them. Ewan McGregor is no longer in his 20’s but you wouldn’t know it from the roles he’s still being cast in or the age of his leading ladies.  Neither is Colin Farrell, but again you wouldn’t know it by the 13 years his junior leading lady.  You know who’s closer to his age? The gorgeous Jennifer Connelly who is also his co-star but god forbid she be cast younger than her actual age or his love interest.  This is based on a book that people love given the way they’re ripping the film version apart.  I never read the book, but I know this looked awful and that was enough for me. Being directed by the man who wrote Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, Lost In Space, I Robot and I Am Legend was merely the cherry on top.

 

EVERYONE’S COMING OUT SONG FROM THIS POINT ON

Frozen is down to number eight and can a day go by without yet another person doing a cover of “Let It Go?” I guess not.

 

MATH IS ACTUALLY THEIR FRIEND

Lone Survivor is down to number nine followed by That Awkward Moment closing out the top ten at number ten and while some may laugh and call this a failure, the laugh’s on them.  It only cost $8M and has made $22M domestically. That’s not a failure, kids.  Robocop and Endless Love wish they were that successful.

 

 

 

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