A DELUSIONAL MICHAEL BAY…WHICH IS REDUNDANT

12 Jan

herc

1. Lone Survivor/Universal                        Wknd/$  38.5            Total/$   38.9

 2. Frozen/Disney                                         Wknd/$  15.1             Total/$ 317.7

 3. The Wolf of Wall Street/Par                 Wknd/$   9.0            Total/$   78.6

 4. The Legend of Hercules/LGF               Wknd/$   8.6            Total/$     8.6

 5. American Hustle/Sony                          Wknd/$   6.6            Total/$  101.6

 6. The Hobbit 2/Warner                            Wknd/$   8.0           Total/$ 242.2

 7. August: Osage County/Weinstein       Wknd/$   7.3            Total/$     7.9

 8. Saving Mr. Banks/Disney                      Wknd/$   6.6            Total/$   68.9

 9. Paranormal Activity 4/Par                    Wknd/$   6.3            Total/$   28.5

10. Anchorman 2/Paramount                    Wknd/$   6.1            Total/$ 118.5

 

THERE’S MORE TO DIRECTING THAN A SNAP ZOOM

Lone Survivor opens at number one and I was all set to see this until I saw the words “directed by Peter Berg” and that was all she wrote. It’s bad enough he sits in the “all style no substance” category, but not only is his style not that stylish but he thinks he’s a director of merit and weight, telling god’s own truth and it drips off every freaking frame. I can only imagine how filled pretension this true story of courage, heroism and sacrifice is going to be. He’s Michael Bay if Michael Bay thought he was a filmmaker.  Dude, you made Battleship. A movie so bad it made Transformers look like Lord of the Rings.

 

WHO?

Frozen is down to number two and we’ve talked about the women behind the voices but not the men who are played by…well, nobody. Seriously, who are these dudes? Never mind…

 

NICE GUYS DON’T WIN OSCARS

The Wolf of Wall Street rises to number three and I’d have something to say it finally if my alarm had gone off and I could have gone to the early show like I ‘d planned. I’ve got this weird thing about seeing movies with as few people as possible. My brief tenure as a critic has ruined me for sitting with…you people.  Also, I’m clearly not hot to see yet another 3-hour Scorsese exploration of an anti-hero, which is a fancy word of saying the main character is a jerk. Think about it. Raging Bull, GoodFellas, The Aviator, The Departed, Taxi Driver, The King of Comedy, etc.  He has zero interest in nice guys. The Last Temptation of Christ being the obvious exception that proves the rule.

 

SOMEWHERE THE ROCK IS LAUGHING INTO HIS PROTEIN SHAKE

Speaking of anti-heroes, we have the polar opposite in Hercules, whose legend gets yet another retelling in The Legend of Hercules opening at number four.  This time around he’s the hated son of a king who knows that Zeus impregnated his wife and is more than a little angry about it and taking it out on Hercules.  Somehow this results in Hercules becoming a gladiator, which doesn’t seem fair given he’s demi-god son of Zeus. I’ve got nothing against altering a legend but any movie about Hercules where he’s fighting men instead of monsters pretty much misses the point of Hercules. Even the schlocky Italian Hercules movies of the late 50’s, early 60’s knew that.  These guys clearly thought that the style of 300 (“Hey, it’s Ancient Greece, right? Do it like that.”) was the way to go, while the general public clearly disagreed. Next up: The Rock himself as Hercules this summer. I’d better see me some monsters.

 

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHER

American Hustle holds at number five followed by The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug at number six, while August: Osage County rises to number seven, starring Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper and a host of good actors…along with Julia Roberts. Oh, get over it. She sucks and you know it. I don’t know why they’re advertising this as some great team up between her and Meryl Streep. Streep is proof that Roberts is a movie star, not an actress.  If anything, making a movie with Streep should have been something Roberts avoided at all costs.  It’s like Janet Jackson wanting to record with Aretha Franklin.

 

CHARLES SCHULTZ MOONLIGHTED AS AN ASSASSIN

Speaking of Meryl Streep, she made a little news this week dissing Walt Disney in favor of PL Travers, while introducing Emma Thompson who portrays the latter in Saving Mr. Banks, down to number seven this week. If she read my weekly rants like she’s supposed to she’d know they were both jerks and deserved one another.  Just because someone is talented and can entertain children doesn’t meant they’re a nice person. If anything it strongly indicates a dislike of other adults.  I’m sure if you dig deep enough you’ll find even Dr. Seuss probably killed a man in a bar over a bet…then finished his drink…and kicked a kitten.

 

BYE-BYE-BYE

Paranormal Activity is down to number nine and my joke about it dropping off the face to the earth in one week was not a dare, but clearly you people took it as one.

 

PRAYING FOR DEATH

Finally and thankfully, Anchorman 2 closes out the top ten this week at number ten. Now maybe all those damn commercials will finally stop.

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