YOU STAY CLASSY, AMERICA

22 Dec

infinity-gauntlet-2of3

 1. The Hobbit 2/Warner                             Wknd/$   31.7            Total/$ 127.7

 2. Anchorman 2/Paramount                     Wknd/$  26.8            Total/$   40.0

 3. Frozen/Disney                                          Wknd/$  19.2            Total/$ 191.6

 4. American Hustle/Sony                           Wknd/$  19.1             Total/$   20.2

 5. Saving Mr. Banks/Disney                      Wknd/$   9.3              Total/$    9.3

 7. Tyler Perry’s A Madea Xmas/LGF       Wknd/$    8.5             Total/$   28.3

 6. The Hunger Games 2/LGF                    Wknd/$    8.8             Total/$ 371.7

 8. Walking With Dinosaurs/Fox               Wknd/$    7.3             Total/$     7.3

 9. Dhoom 3/Yash                                         Wknd/$    3.3              Total/$     3.3

10. Thor: The Dark World/BV                    Wknd/$    1.3              Total/$ 200.8

 

CUZ THEY’RE ENGLISHMEN/IDENTICAL ENGLISHMEN

The Hobbit: The Desolations of Smaug holds at number one and also in this is Luke Evans, aka That Guy You Keep Mistaking For Orlando Bloom. What makes even funnier is that Orlando Bloom also returns here as Legolas, archery elf supreme. And to top off the funny an arrow is very much a part of the character that Luke Evans plays.   He was also in the horrible Three Musketeers remake…with Orlando Bloom.  But did we ever see them together onscreen? Hmmmm…

 

ADS NAUSEAM

Anchorman 2 opens at number two and thank Zeus this damn thing finally came out because this advertising campaign has been going on all year at a relentless pace. I swear I saw Will Ferrell pop up in The Hobbit!  Seriously!  I didn’t see this because I didn’t see the first one, though I know everyone and his mother loves it.  Will Ferrell is another one of those funnymen where a little goes a long way and there’s a lot of him here. Too much for me.

 

XOXO

Frozen is down to number three and as the other main voice is Kristen Bell, aka Veronica Mars and this ironically proves that people love her so long as they don’t have to see, as her biggest successes since those days having been the voice of “Gossip Girl” (proving the writers were pulling it out of their asses by making it be Dan all along) and this.  Yeah, she’s on House of Lies, but how many of you have actually seen that?  Exactly. I actually watch it, but I fast forward through half of it, usually when she’s onscreen.

 

OUR LOVE/HATE AFFAIR WITH 70’S FASHION

Blatant Oscar-bait American Hustle finally enters the top ten at number four and it took the ad campaign long enough to actually tell people this has a plot.  It’s about Abscam, which was a famous scandal in its day, but didn’t have the weight of an Iran-Contra, which quickly wiped out of the American consciousness. Until now they’ve basically been selling “Come see all these heavyweight actors in 70’s period garb!”  What’s sad is how appealing that actually was and I include myself in this. I promise, Christian Bale, I will see this one, having blown off Out of the Furnace. Or was it Into the Furnace? I think that says it all.

 

WELL, DISNEY DOES LIKE TO MAKE FAIRY TALES

Saving Mr. Banks enters the top ten at number five and this is Tom Hanks’ second Oscar bait film this year and the second one undone by reality.  While Captain Phillips was undone by the actual crew coming out to say they hated him, this is undone by the fact that P.L Travers the author of Mary Poppins, hated Disney and it was mutual. He never actually met her so she wasn’t some repressed woman thawed out by Walt Disney’s charms.  She was a bisexual woman with a girlfriend and an adult son and she so hated this movie she put in her will that not only could Disney not do any sequels, but no American could ever adapt it again, period. I mean this movie is such a piece of Disney propaganda that they don’t even have Walt Disney smoking which is the one thing he did a actually do.

 

TYRANNOSAURUS SUX

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is down to number six, followed by Tyler Perry’s A Madea Christmas at number seven and Walking With Dinosaurs opening horribly at number eight. Do you know how badly you have to suck to make a dinosaur film that kids don’t want to see? To paraphrase Jurassic Park, “Fox found a way.”  The original was a very successful BBC series. This has been dumbed down into a comedic family film.  Apparently you can go broke trying to underestimate the taste of the American public.

 

WHAT PART OF “MELTING POT” DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Dhoom: 3 opens at number nine and honestly that these films aimed at a specific part of the American audience can still make a little money is what makes America great. There should be something for everyone at the movie theaters. No, I have no idea what this is about, but my point remains valid.

 

WELCOME TO GEEK CLASS

Finally, Thor: The Dark World closes out the top ten at number ten and if you don’t understand the post credit teaser, here you go: that weirdo played by Benicio Del Toro was The Collector, one of the cosmic Elders of the Universe in Marvel comics. Every elder has an Infinity Gem, each with different powers. Now when all are combined they give the possessor infinite power and that guy you saw in the post credit sequence in The Avengers was Thanos, who does get them all and sets out to destroy the universe to please Death itself because he’s in love with her. It took all superheroes on Earth to stop him. Sif and Volstagg were giving him one of the gems for safekeeping because there was already one on Asgard.  This is clearly leading into The Guardians of the Galaxy movie coming from Marvel. What are the Guardians of the Galaxy? Sigh. Sit down, Timmy, and I’ll explain…

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