FULL FRONTAL NUDITY IS INTEGRAL

20 Oct

Gemma-Arterton-GQ-UK-October-2

 1. Gravity/Warners                                        Wknd/$  31.0            Total/$ 170.6

 2. Captain Phillips/Sony                               Wknd/$  17.3            Total/$  53.3

 3. Carrie/SG                                                     Wknd/$  17.0            Total/$  17.0

 4. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2     Wknd/$  10.1            Total/$  93.1

 5. Escape Plan/LG                                          Wknd/$    9.8            Total/$   9.8

 6. Prisoners/Warners                                    Wknd/$    2.1             Total/$  57.3

 7. Enough Said/FoxS                                     Wknd/$    1.8             Total/$  10.8

 8. 5th Estate/Touchstone                              Wknd/$    1.7             Total/$    1.7

 9. Runner Runner/Fox                                  Wknd/$    1.6             Total/$  17.5

10. Insidious 2/FD                                           Wknd/$    1.5            Total/$  80.9

 

BREAK OUT YOUR CHOKERS AND YOUR FLANNEL

Gravity Holds at number one while Captain Phillips holds at number two, suggesting all the young people in the world had something better to do this weekend or we’ve all been transported back to 1995 for Sandra Bullock and Tom Hanks to be ruling the box office like this. Their combined ages is more than the combined ages of the cast of Twilight.

 

ONE OF THOSE THINGS ISN’T EVEN AROUND ANY MORE

Opening at number three is Carrie and its leading lady, Chloe Moretz, wasn’t born until 1997. Yes, I said that to make you feel old.  So basically she wasn’t even conceived when Forrest Gump and While You Were Sleeping were hits.  Now, I thought about seeing this, which may seem odd given my “I don’t do the scary” rule, even when it’s stupid.  But given how this seems to be a note-for-note remake of the first film and not a more faithful adaptation of the book like they insisted, what’s really there to scare you? There’s only one scene that’s truly terrifying and I won’t spoil it for those who’ve never seen it. The real question is will a female director feel the need to recreate Brian DePalma’s slow-motion, full-frontal nudity tour of the girls’ locker room, which OPENED the original film or is the R rating purely for violence? Yes, Carrie’s traumatizing treatment by the other girls in the shower when she gets her first period is actually an important part of the story because it’s not only about the torment she endures at school, but fallout from her home life as she’s utterly ignorant about her body thanks to her mother.  What’s not important to the character, however, is a slow motion pan over a young actress’ breasts and pubic hair to get us there. The 70’s truly were a different time.

 

HE’S THE NEW MICK JAGGER WHEN IT COMES TO FILMS

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 is down to number four and you know who wishes it were ‘90’s? Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, as Escape Plan opens at number five. Two of the three biggest action heroes of the 80’s together and this is the best it can do!?! But honestly, I’m not blaming them. Yes, even though both their previous solo action leads have failed (Stallone in Bullet To The Head and Schwarzenegger in The Last Stand) the real reason behind this failure is 50 Cent. Yes, 50 Cent. No film with him in it ever succeeds.  Did you know he made a movie with DeNiro just last year? One with Nicholas Cage and John Cusack just this year? Two films in the past few years with Bruce Willis (completing the 80’s action hero hat trick)?  Of course not. Because they’ve all been too awful to be released even with someone as big as Robert DeNiro and Bruce Willis in them.  The man is a plague on film and here he is taking down Rocky and The Terminator without breaking a sweat.

 

YOU DON’T BUY THE COW WHEN THE MILK IS ON CNN EVERY DAY

Prisoners is down to number six followed by The Fifth Estate opening at number seven and if this film confuses you because you thought it was already released, that’s because it was a documentary called We Steal Secrets: The Story of Wikileaks about the real Julian Assauange which I’m sure the producers of this did not appreciate.  But they should have paid more attention to its inability to generate  interest.  Why do you think people will pay to see an impression of someone they didn’t want to see in the first place? Not to mention the overall media attention on Assaunage may have exhausted people.  Yes, it’s an important story that’s actually still going on, but like anything in our 24/7/365 news cycle it gets worn out very quickly. I mean the soldier behind the leaks, Bradley Manning, was only sentenced a few weeks ago on top of the news that he now wanted to be viewed as a woman (Chelsea Manning)!  And still people did not care.

 

OH, DON’T MIND ME. JUST GO ON ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS

Runner Runner is down to number eight and the other clue you had that this would be a failure was the presence of Gemma Arterton who was the “hot new thing” two years ago appearing in every other movie and even when they didn’t fail spectacularly (Prince of Persia) were seen as disappointments (Quantum of Solace, Clash of the Titans).  Even the unexpected success of Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters ($225M from a $50M budget) hasn’t really helped her profile any. I mean, would you know her if you saw her on the street? Do you even know who she was in the films I’ve named? Exactly. However, the upside to being so forgettable is that no one will associate her with this film.

 

SO MUCH MONEY IT’S SCARY

Finally, Insidious Chapter 2 closes out the top ten after an impressive run resulting in $118M worldwide from a $5 budget.  Gravity has nothing on that ratio of dollars spent to dollars earned.

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