IT’S VIN DIESEL’S WORLD. YOU JUST LIVE IN IT.

8 Sep

bsg-girls-interview-mag-1

1. Riddick/Universal                                    Wknd/$  18.7           Total/$  18.7

 2. Lee Daniel’s The Butler/Weinstein     Wknd/$    8.9           Total/$  91.9

3. Instructions Not Included/LGF            Wknd/$    8.1           Total/$  20.3

 4. We’re The Millers/Warners                  Wknd/$    7.9           Total/$ 123.8

 5. Planes/Disney                                          Wknd/$    4.3           Total/$  79.3

 6. One Direction This Is Us/Sony             Wknd/$    4.1           Total/$  24.0

 7. Elysium/TriStar                                       Wknd/$    3.1           Total/$  85.1

 9. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters           Wknd/$    2.5           Total/$  59.8

 8. Blue Jasmine/SPC                                  Wknd/$    2.7           Total/$   25.4

10. The World’s End/Focus                        Wknd/$    2.3           Total/$  21.7

 

EITHER IN A CAR OR IN SPACE. LESSON LEARNED.

Riddick opens at number one and no one is more shocked than I am and I paid to see it.  This is the continuing adventures of the titular super-killer who first appeared in Pitch Black, which I still have not seen because two actresses I like a lot both die in it and I refuse to watch. Seriously. Unless it’s some kind of super prestige film, I do not see movies where actors I like die. Oh, and you’re so sane with your movie-going decisions! Now, I loved the second film, Chronicles of Riddick which was a total left turn of a sequel, but was not appreciated by the fans of the first—or anyone else for that matter and it tanked.  Still, thanks to home video it managed to find a new life, though still not enough for Universal which traded the rights to the characters to Vin Diesel to get him to be in Fast & The Furious Tokyo Drift, a decision that worked out well for both parties as Diesel helped finance this low-budget sequel himself.  It’s more or less a remake of the first film (bringing back the fans who loved the first one, clearly) but they don’t apologize for that as its reason is simply to make money so they can continue the left turn they took in Chronicles of Riddick which is the only reason I went to see this, because I want more of that. Oh. And to see Starbuck topless. Oh, and you’re so noble in your moviegoing choices!  All that said, it’s not a bad film but you’ve got a serious problem when your main character disappears off the screen for twenty minutes of a two-hour film. That means it only needed to be just over an hour and a half.  And when you add up into the first half hour which is just him recovering alone with a CGI dog fighting CGI monsters, you’ve basically got an hour-long movie stretched out to two hours. That’s never good. But I honestly didn’t mind the twenty minutes spent exploring the other characters.  I actually found it more interesting than the last half-hour of fighting CGI monsters in the dark. That’s when I began to realize I needed to go the bathroom which is always the sign of an overlong film.

 

MANCHILDREN + ACTUAL CHILDREN = $$$

The Butler is down to number two followed by Instructions Not Included at number three and this is a very generic looking Mexican film about a bachelor who gets left with the daughter from one of his liaisons and of course grows into a loving father only to be faced with mom’s return. It’s an old story and the trailer makes it look like made-for-basic cable in its execution, but people still love it.  Part of its success is that it’s part of a growing number of films aimed directly at a neglected audience and in this case it’s Spanish speaking Americans.  Normally, this would have stayed south of the border, but like the recent spate of Indian films, has found a distributor and was well rewarded for the risk. No one should be tto surprised. The last Hollywood version of this, The Game Plan, was also successful. Even in the 21st Century people love the idea of a single, carefree guy turning into a good dad to a precocious daughter. You don’t even have to do it well. Or in English.

 

WORKS FOR JENNIFER ANNISTON, FAILED FOR DEMI MOORE. DISCUSS.

We’re the Millers is down to number four and speaking of less-than-noble moviegoing choices, you think if Jennifer Anniston wasn’t doing a gratuitous striptease half the people would have seen it?  Exactly. There’s a reason it’s the central part of the ad campaign. Why it’s a hit is still a mystery, however.

 

BUT I CAN’T PROMISE NO BOATS. SORRY.

Planes is down to number five and while this will undoubtedly make a little money for Disney in the long run, at only $121M worldwide from a $50M budget it’s done little more than break even. The real test, however, is merchandising. Cars 2 only existed because they sold a billion dollars worth of toys. Hopefully there won’t a billion dollars in Planes sales to inflict a sequel on the world.

 

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK WAS FIRST MENTIONED BY FREUD IS HIS DISCUSSIONS OF THE UNCONSCIOUS

One Direction: This Is Us is down to number six followed by Elysium at number seven and Blue Jasmine at number eight and also in this are Louis CK and Andrew Dice Clay. Yes, you read that correctly. Andrew. Dice. Clay. In a Woody Allen film. But let’s not kid ourselves. That “cache” died the second he put Julia Roberts in one.  And the fact that Owen Wilson was in his biggest film of the last 30 years nailed the coffin shut.

 

YOUR FIRST PROBLEM: NO HERO IS NAMED “PERCY”

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is still hanging around like those leftovers in the back of the fridge you thought you threw out but the smell reminds you that you didn’t, but thankfully at $152M worldwide from a $90M budget, there won’t be any more of them.

 

APTLY NAMED FILM

Finally, World’s End closes out the top ten at number ten.

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