YOUR CHILDHOOD TUB BATTLES MADE REAL

14 Jul

spacegians

1. Despicable Me 2/Universal               Wknd/$  44.8            Total/$ 229.2

 2. Grown Ups 2/Sony                            Wknd/$  42.5            Total/$  42.5

 3. Pacific Rim/Warners                         Wknd/$  38.3            Total/$  38.3

 4. The Heat/Fox                                      Wknd/$  14.0            Total/$ 112.4

 5. The Lone Ranger/Disney                  Wknd/$  11.1             Total/$  71.1

 6. Monsters University/Disney            Wknd/$  10.6            Total/$ 237.8

 7. World War Z/Paramount                  Wknd/$    9.4            Total/$ 177.1

 8. White House Down/Sony                  Wknd/$    6.2            Total/$  63.0

 9. Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain/LGF     Wknd/$    5.0            Total/$  26.4

10. Man of Steel/Warners                        Wknd/$    4.8            Total/$ 281.0

 

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU; FOOL ME TWICE, I’M AN IDIOT WHO FELL FOR A COMMERCIAL

Despicable Me 2 holds sadly at number one and I say “sadly” because it means the inevitable #3 is on its way. It won’t be the hat trick on my wallet, however.  Short of a crossover with The Incredibles, I’m out.  The only good I can see coming out of this mess is that Kristin Wiig has another hit under her belt. You get yours, girl.

 

LEMONADE

Speaking of horrible box office success that might mean a third unfunny film, Grown Ups 2 opens at number two. So I guess that makes two good things to come out of Despicable Me 2 holding the stop spot. It kept this piece of crap from opening at number one.  Adam Sandler is stunning how he has managed to carve out a very successful career going for the lowest hanging fruit possible.  He’s even passed Tim Allen.  After awhile I can’t even blame him for it. I blame you people who keep rewarding his utter bankrupt excuse for comedic talent.  You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself.

 

ULTRA MAN WASN’T A ROBOT! THAT’S DIFFERENT!

Pacific Rim opens at a disappointing number three and America is funny in how we clearly love giant fighting robots and are no strangers to giant monsters, but put them in the same movie and we’re utterly disinterested.  We all did it in the tub when we were kids with our toys, but apparently put away such childish conflicts as adults for a mature separation of giant monster and giant robot.  Now this is an ingrained part of Japanese pop culture, but I feel we’re basically just too rational for it. Seriously. We cannot get over the fact that building a giant robot to fight a giant monster is just stupid.  If that giant monster is causing mass death and destruction with every step, how dumb is it to build a giant robot to fight it in the city streets?  You’ve just doubled your carnage!  Especially when the movie flat out tells us the first monster to attack was killed by conventional weaponry.  Why would you waste valuable time and resources building a giant robot rather than building more powerful, more effective weapons!?!  Clearly you can if you’ve got the technology to building giant robots with plasma cannons.  Why can’t that plasma just be mounted on a ship or tank?  BUT…if you can get over your very American questioning of the premise, Pacific Rim is a good time. Giant monsters come to Earth from another dimension through a rift located in the Pacific Ocean and we fight them off with giant robots. After initial success the monster attacks become more frequent with ever larger, more effective monsters so the governments of the world decide to give up on it and instead just build a big wall,  pulling the plug on the robot funding.  This leaves the commanding officer just 8 months to use his remaining robots to shut down the rift once and for all because anyone with a brain knows that wall thing is not going to work.  It’s little too long—especially given you go 30 minutes without any giant monster and robot fights in favor of people who amount to little more than character sketches and never really become characters themselves—but this is the definition of a summer flick. Big, outlandish, but made by somewhat talented people and not insulting your intelligence while asking you to suspend your disbelief. Case in point: the film’s primary character is a giant robot pilot that left the program after his brother was killed. When Idris Elba goes to bring him back, he declines and Elba points out the world is going to end so where is he going to go?  There’s a similar ultimatum put forth in World War Z to Brad Pitt. He also realizes his personal feelings mean nothing when the world is at stake.  But in the odious Transformers 2 the result is that Shia Lebouf chooses going to college over saving the world because apparently its destruction will leave the mixer in his dorm on Thursday night undisturbed.  And unlike Man of Steel, when a monster attacks the city, the first action is to evacuate or get people to bunkers and the streets and buildings are clearly shown to be empty.

 

ALL PERIOD PIECES ARE NOT THE SAME, HONEY

The Heat is down to number four followed by The Lone Ranger at number five and why is Helena Bonham Carter here?  Did she and Johnny Depp make an agreement on the set of Tim Burton’s films to be weird for the sake of being weird together as much as possible?  Bear in mind when she’s not doing that or working with him she makes movies like The King’s Speech.  Yeah, exactly.

 

PARTY OF ONE…MAYBE LESS

Monsters University is down to number six, followed by World War Z at number seven and also in this with exactly one line from a character with no name is Matthew Fox.  It’s so odd it actually pulls you out of the film for a second. But only for a second because it’s just Matthew Fox.

 

HEY, IT’S THAT GUY FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

White House Down is down to number eight and also in this is Jason Clarke who is becoming a character actor (i.e, actors talented, but not attractive enough to be leads) of some weight. First there was critical acclaim for Zero Dark Thirty, then an at least one successful this summer in The Great Gatsby and now this mess for which no one will blame him.  It makes an odd sense he’s working for James Woods in this because Woods is getting old and someone has to take these roles.

 

WHAT’S SUMMER WITHOUT A BIG “S” ON YOUR CHEST?

Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain is down only one notch to number nine, which is impressive and wrapping up the top ten at number ten is Man of Steel. Finally! Now that this damn thing is out of the top ten, I can start wearing my Superman t-shirts again. It’s been a long five weeks!

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