F. SCOTT FITZGERALD VS. STAN LEE!

12 May

Nikolaj-Coster-Waldau-Hasse-Nielsen-Cover-Men-03

 1. Iron Man 3/Paramount                            Wknd/$  72.5           Total/$ 284.9

 2. The Great Gatsby/Warners                     Wknd/$  51.1            Total/$   51.1

 3. Pain and Gain/Paramount                      Wknd/$   5.0            Total/$  41.6

 4. Tyler Perry Presents Peeples/LGF         Wknd?$   4.9            Total/$    4.9

 5. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$   4.7            Total/$  84.7

 6. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$   3.9            Total/$  81.7

 7. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   3.6            Total/$ 173.2

 8. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   2.5            Total/$  18.7

 9. Mud/                                                             Wknd/$   2.3            Total/$    8.4

10. Oz The Great & Powerful/Disney           Wknd/$     .8            Total/$ 230.0

 

WHY DO YOU THINK SPIDER-MAN CONSTANTLY LOSES HIS MASK?

Iron Man 3 holds onto the number one slot and there have been a few complaints from some people (aka, geeks and fanboys also known as “my people”) that he spends almost no time in the armor in this film.  Well, duh.  Newsflash, geeks: you’re the only people who want to see a CGI (which what 99% of all armor action is) action hero for two hours.  Everyone else wants to see the movie star playing him and since the basic nature of Iron Man prevents this, we have to find reasons to get him out of it. Not to mention the story itself is about the struggles of the man inside and how he is the hero, not the suit.  The best scenes of the movie are of him coping with bad guys without the armor, using only his wits and some homemade devices he puts together thanks to a trip to Home Depot (actually the store isn’t named and Home Depot missed out big time not getting their name in there). You’d think geeks above all would know if you don’t get the “man” part right then the “Iron” doesn’t matter, but I learned long ago geek pretensions of their intelligence are just that, nothing but pretensions.  The odious Iron Man 2 had him in the armor constantly and it was as tedious as it gets.

 

HEY, I READ MOBY DICK, SO SHUT UP!

The Great Gatsby opens at number two and I must confess that I escaped high school without reading this. In fact, I’m a little ashamed just at how many things I escaped high school and college without reading given I wound up with a freaking degree in English.  But that’s not why I didn’t see this. I didn’t see it because I’m usually less-than-impressed with Baz Luhrmann and giving him over two hours of my life for him to make a classic work feel contemporary (translation: hip-hop and dance music on the soundtrack) while keeping it in a period setting didn’t seem like a good thing to do with my life.  Not to mention it looks horribly…garish, like someone over-using his HDR program.  A lot of brightly colored excess for the sake of brightly colored excess.  It looks like it should have been a musical (I had this idea before Smash and am thinking of suing them) and THAT I would have been down to see. Have them sing the modern songs instead of merely having them in the background. It would have been a disaster to be sure, but a gloriously get-drunk-and-see-it-with-your-friends disaster. Who wouldn’t want to see Leonardo and the cast break out into “Love Is The Drug.” Could he really be worse than Russell Crowe in Les Miz?

 

YOU CAN DO BETTER. WE CAN ALL DO BETTER.

Pain & Gain drops one notch to number three, followed by Peeples opening at number four and yes, I know that Tyler Perry didn’t write or direct this, but his name is on it (it’s also known as Tyler Perry Presents Peeples) and that’s good enough for me to completely ignore its existence, despite the appeal of Craig Robertson.  Dude, you’re part of the Apatow crew. Why are you here?  Not to mention, I didn’t care too much for Meet The Parents the first time around.

 

BIG PRETTY HAIR OF A MAN

42 is down to number five, followed by Oblivion at number six and also in this is Nikolaj Coster-Waldau and how he got in is a miracle given he’s younger, taller, better looking and with better hair than Tom Cruise.  Every time you see him, you wonder, “Why isn’t he the star of this movie again?” He’s best known now from Game of Thrones, but since I don’t watch that (it was up against a new King Arthur retelling on Starz when it debuted and I made my choice WITH NO REGRETS) I know him as Paul Bettany’s best friend in Wimbledon and as the star of the short-lived show, New Amsterdam, where he was an man cursed with immortality by a Native American when he came there with the Dutch in the 1600’s.  He can only die when he finds his one true love.  The problems with this are obvious, starting with if the Native Americans had that kind of power shouldn’t they have been using it to save themselves?  Pretty sure an army of immortal warriors would have solved that illegal immigration problem right quick.  It only ran 8 episodes so I doubt if even he remembers it.

 

SHE CAN TRULY SAY “THINGS WERE BETTER WHEN I WAS YOUNG”

The Croods is down to number seven, followed by The Big Wedding at number eight and you have to wonder what someone like Diane Keaton thinks of these actresses she works with, given when she was their age she was making Annie Hall and Looking for Mr. Goodbar and they’re making…this.  True, Amanda Seyfried does her fair share of indie work and will be the star of Lovelace this fall looking for some edgy Oscar love, but still…she’s here.

 

SURVIVAL OF THE PRETTIEST

Mud is down to number nine followed by the giant herpe of spring films, The Great and Powerful Oz and it’s both ironic yet totally logical that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher were supporting players on That 70’s Show but have enjoyed the most success compared to stars Topher Grace (he’s in The Big Wedding and she was in a TV show based on Chelsea Handler’s life; nuff said) and Laura Prepon who were ostensibly the stars. However Kunis and Kutcher were easily the most attractive and we kind of expect more success from them, no?

 

 

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