DUMB & DUMBER WAS TAKEN

28 Apr

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 1. Pain and Gain/Paramount                        Wknd/$ 20.0            Total/$  20.0

 2. Oblivion/Universal                                    Wknd/$ 17.4              Total/$  64.7

 3. 42/ Warners                                                Wknd/$ 1o.7              Total/$  69.1

 4. The Big Wedding/LGF                              Wknd/$   7.5              Total/$    7.5

 5. The Croods/Fox                                          Wknd/$   6.6              Total/$ 163.0

 6. G.I. Joe: Retaliation/Paramount            Wknd/$   3.6               Total/$ 116.4

 7. Scary Movie 5/Dimension                        Wknd/$   3.5               Total/$  27.5

 8. Olympus Has Fallen/FD                           Wknd/$   2.8               Total/$   93.1

 9. The Place Beyond the Pines/Focus         Wknd/$   2.7               Total/$   16.2

10. Jurassic Park 3D/Universal                    Wknd/$   2.3                Total/$   42.0

 

HEIDI KLUM AS MRS. MARCH

Pain and Gain opens at number one and these are dark times when Michael Bay can have a success with “real” movie meaning one about people and without copious CGI and explosions.  Next, he’ll be doing period dramas and don’t think they won’t let him. “Michael Bay Presents Little Women starring this season’s line up of Victoria’s Secrets models as Jo, Meg, Amy and Beth.”  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This is like feeding a stray cat.  He’ll never go away now.

 

ROTTEN IS AS ROTTEN DOES

Oblivion is down to number two and I’ve got little to add to 21st Century Movie Buddy’s estimation of this Outer Limits episode dragged out to two pretentious hours and that run time is easily the biggest problem.  There are lots of utterly stupid movies, but so long as they move at an interesting clip you don’t have time to sit back and ask why the cops in Chicago are the worst in the world, which is why Harrison Ford is a fugitive to begin with (basic forensic evidence would have proven there was someone else there). Here, you’ve got far too much time to wonder why because the premise so efficiently set up in the trailers and commercials is needlessly dragged out. You don’t need to show us Tom Cruise going through his routine as a tech then have him tell Morgan Freeman what he does. It’s redundant.  And if we see him going off for introspection in the wasteland once, we don’t need to see it twice.  It shouldn’t be a surprise to learn that this comes from a graphic novel that was never really written to begin with. Seriously. To circumvent the Writer’s Guild strike, this dirtbag writer/director pretty much betrayed his union by pretending he’d written a graphic novel to get around pitching the film, which was prohibited.  The end result: shit floats.  An unethical, untalented writer and director is rewarde with success.

 

LAWRENCE OLIVIER WOULD LAUGH IN BOTH THEIR FACES

42 is down to number three and also in this is Alan Tudyk best known as Walsh on Firefly and now Suburgatory as the wacky dentist/neighbor/best friend Noah. He plays an unrepentantly racist opposing ballplayer and he and the actor playing Jackie Robinson deliberately avoided being friendly due to their roles. Really? Whatever happened to fucking acting!?!  Remember that?  Why does everything have to be method?  Are you unable to use your cell phone too because they didn’t have them?  Do you turn down groupie sex because your character would?  Of course not. And actors wonder why people hate them.

 

PUTTIN’ THE BUSINESS IN SHOW BUSINESS

The Big Wedding opens at number four and have you noticed how all these wedding movies look exactly the same? All having established vets clearly looking for an easy paycheck and younger actors just happy to work with the big guns in multiple storylines centered around a wedding? Know why they keep making them? Because apparently no movie about weddings has ever lost money. It may not be a hit, but you won’t lose anything either.  I’ve no doubt some of them were also suckered into doing this after being told it’s a remake of a French film. Newsflash: the French make crap movies too.  The best thing about this movie will wind up being a drunken Diane Keaton talking about it on Ellen.  Unlike every commercial and trailer I’ve seen, that was truly funny.

 

LIKE MY HIPS, NUMBERS DON’T LIE

The Croods is down to number five, followed by GI Joe: Retaliation at number six and this means Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has two films in the top ten this week both apparently hits. I say apparently, because this one didn’t even make budget in the US and even when combined with overseas gross hasn’t reached the 3x budget rule of thumb to be profitable.  Likewise, Scary Movie 5  (down to number seven) didn’t even double its budget. I’d love to say this means the end of the franchise, but everyone knows evil never truly dies. Finally, while Olympus Has Fallen also feels like a hit, a $70M budget with only a $98M worldwide return says otherwise.  This may have been too little, too late for Gerard Butler’s leading man career.  Looks like it’s back to supporting Christian Bale and Angela Jolie.

 

A JOB WORTH DOING…

A Place Beyond the Pines is down to number nine and also in this is Ray Liotta who seems to always be playing corrupt cops. Sadly, when your name ends in a vowel you tend to have only three options: cop, criminal, cop who is a criminal.  Hell, DeNiro and Pacino are still doing it in their 70’s.  That said, watching him in one of a crew of some of the dirtiest cops ever in the movie Phoenix (it’s set in Phoenix, AZ) isn’t the worst thing you can do on late night cable.  Co-starring is Anthony LaPaglia who has played just as many cops, criminals and corrupt cops. I wonder if they joked about it on-set?

 

THE END…AT LEAST UNTIL THE SMELL-O-VISION RELEASE IN 2016

Finally, Jurassic Park 3D closes out the top ten at number ten.

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