WHERE ARE YOU, CRASH DAVIS!?!

14 Apr

Wonder Woman

 1. 42/ Warners                                           Wknd/$ 27.3           Total/$  27.3

 2. Scary Movie 5/Dimension                  Wknd/$ 15.2            Total/$  15. 2

 3. The Croods/Fox                                    Wknd/$ 13.2            Total/$ 142.5

 4. G.I. Joe: Retaliation/Paramount       Wknd/$ 10.8           Total/$ 102.4

 5. Evil Dead/Tristar                                  Wknd/$   9.5            Total/$   41.5

 6. Jurassic Park 3D/Universal                Wknd/$   8.8           Total/$   31.9

 7. Olympus Has Fallen/FD                      Wknd/$   7.3            Total/$   81.9

 8. Oz The Great & Powerful/Disney      Wknd/$   4.9            Total/$  219.4           

 9. Tyler Perry’s Temptation/LGF           Wknd/$   4.5            Total/$   45.4

10. The Place Beyond the Pines/Focus   Wknd/$   4.1            Total/$     5.5

 

OF ALL THE SPORTS MY DAD MADE ME PLAY, THE ONE I HATED THE MOST…AND I HATED THEM ALL

42 opens at number one and I do realize there may be a bit of a moral obligation for me to see this (you know, being a person of color and all), but despite the tremendous historical and social significance there’s just one small thing I can’t overcome: I can’t stand baseball! Seriously.  It’s sooooo freaking boring!  And the only thing that’s duller than baseball is a well-intentioned bio-pic and this is a combination of both.  Yes, I know the reviews have mostly positive, but I doubt if any of those people possesses my level of disdain for the sport.  It’s like telling me you’ve made the best piece of liver on earth. It’s still freaking liver! There’s only one baseball movie I like and it’s Bull Durham, which has as its subtext the fact Crash Davis is in fact too smart to succeed at the game he so loves.  That says it all.

 

SO UNFUNNY IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY

Scary Movie 5 opens at number two and I will confess to have seen at least three of these and actually laughed, but even though the famed ZAZ team (Zucker Abrams Zucker)—the people who basically created this type of comedy—took over with number three it was clear that this series was running on fumes. It was also clear that the ZAZ team were simply were not what they once were.  When your jokes are playing on the real-life troubles of Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, you’re in trouble. Not simply because those jokes are weak, but they’re two years out of date.  The sad thing is Charlie Sheen’s clenched jaw form of acting suits this type of humor very well, as he proved in the two Hot Shots movies….and ten years of it utterly failing to be even remotely funny on the sitcom Two & A Half Men.

 

DON’T FEED THEM!

The Croods is down to number three and at $385M worldwide it’s a clear success meaning it’s your fault there’ll undoubtedly be a Croods 2 in about two years. Hope you’re happy.

 

WHAT WAS THAT WE WONDER, WONDER WOMAN

GI Joe: The Retaliation is down to number three and probably the only person more grateful than The Rock to be in this is Adrianne Palicki, she of the very unfortunate attempt at a new Wonder Woman show last year.  Arrow is one of the biggest hits on TV this year, Smallville (where she appeared on one episode) just finished a decade long run and other superheroes are cleaning up at the box office, but she was sadly thrust into the spotlight as the star of a massive, very public disaster playing the most famous female superhero on earth.  You should have known it was doomed the moment you saw David E. Kelly’s name attached to it and he gave you the super-powered Ally McBeal you feared.  The horrific pilot is online, though I’m sure she’d prefer if you didn’t watch and instead watched some Friday Night Lights reruns.

 

IF IT HAD BEEN A SNAKE…OH, IT WAS.

Evil Dead is down to number five, followed by Jurassic Park 3D and I mentioned little last Timmy was now playing a soldier in GI Joe: Retaliation, but what I left out was a) his name (Joseph Mazzello) and b) he was also on Justified this year as a rattlesnake handling preacher.  How’d that work out?  Well, let’s just say his character won’t be returning next season…or the one after that…or the one after that.

 

YOU JUST CAN’T JUST BE PRETTY, SMART AND A GREAT ATHLETE ANYMORE

Olympus Has Fallen is down to number seven and you have to pity Rick Yune who is a Wharton Business School Grad, a former model for Versace and Ralph Lauren and who qualified for the Olympic Trials in taekwondo.  He’s basically perfect in real life but all he does in movies is play villains.  He was a bad guy in The Fast & The Furious, Ninja Assassin, Die Another Day and here once again.  What’s really gotta hurt is watching Sung Kang come up right behind him and not only get good guy roles, but in the same franchise even though his character technically died in Fast & The Furious Tokyo Drift!

 

IT’S ALL RELATIVE

Oz The Great and Powerful is down to number eight, followed by Tyler Perry’s Temptation at number nine and The Place Beyond the Pines opens here at number ten and while this may seem like another disappointment for Ryan Gosling, it’s actually pretty good considering its only in 500 theaters.  Let me put it this way: The Host is in 2000+ theaters and made less.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: