9 FILMS IN NO DANGER OF AN OSCAR NOMINATION

24 Feb

ti-giant-magazine-cover-2008-october-november

1. Identity Thief/Universal                           Wknd/$  13.7            Total/$  93.7

 2. Snitch/Summit                                           Wknd/$  13.0            Total/$  13.0

 3. Escape From Planet Earth/Wein            Wknd/$  11.0             Total/$  35.1

 4. Safe Haven/Relativity                                Wknd/$  10.6            Total/$  48.1

 5. A Good Day to Die Hard/Fox                   Wknd/$  10.0            Total/$  51.8

 6. Dark Skies/Weinstein                                Wknd/$   8.9             Total/$    8.9

 7. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                  Wknd/$   6.1              Total/$107.5

 8. Warm Bodies/Summit                               Wknd/$   4.8              Total/$  58.3

 9. Side Effects/ORF                                         Wknd/$   3.5              Total/$  25.3

10. Beautiful Creatures/Warners                   Wknd/$   3.4              Total/$  16.4

 

YOU CAN PROMOTE WHATEVER YOU LIKE

Identity Thief returns to the top spot and also in this is T.I. of all people and given his level of fame it’s either a supreme vote of confidence to Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman not have him shown or mentioned or they’re a bunch of morons not to exploit him. They also failed to show John Cho aka Harold of Harold & Kumar who also has own fanbase, especially in regards to comedy.  At least they knew enough to throw in Eric Stonestreet, aka, Cam from Modern Family, so they aren’t complete imbeciles.  He was also in Bad Teacher last year with Cameron Diaz, giving him a growing resume of $100M comedy films.

 

SNITCH 2: NOW HIS SON IS SELLING GUNS

Snitch opens at number two and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has the worst taste in films.  Almost none of the personal vehicles he’s chosen since he crossed over from wrestling to movies have been worth seeing.  I know it’s hard to say “No” to bags of money being thrown at you, but he’s got to have enough money by now to be more discriminating.  Just because real actors agree to be in them doesn’t mean anything. They’re just making car payments, dude.  Also, unlike you this isn’t really their “day job.”  The only person not slumming is you.  Susan Sarandon is simply picking up a paycheck here. This movie is about a father trying to get his son off the hook for drug dealing.  Seriously? How can you root for him now!?!  This makes him one of those parents who are always getting their kids out of trouble and then are surprised when the kid keeps screwing up. This doesn’t make him a hero. Hell it doesn’t even make him a good parent. 

 

DON’T THINK SEX & THE CITY 3 ISN’T COMING

Escape from the Planet Earth actually rises to number three and let’s see who’s doing a voice here and guess who needed the paycheck and who just did it for fun.  Brendan Fraser. Needed it. Rob Corddry. Needed it. Ricky Gervais. Fun, but he is a whore.  Jessica Alba. A little of both. Sofia Vergra.  A little of both. Sarah Jessica Parker. Fun. Though she made it need it soon.

 

IT’S ONLY A SPOILER IF YOU GIVE A CRAP

Safe Haven is down to number four and as everyone knows now there’s an uber stupid plot twist in that the woman’s best pal is actually the ghost of the man’s dead wife.  So yeah, for all of you who said, “I loved The Sixth Sense, but wish it was more romantic” this is your movie.

 

DAMN THESE SEQUELS! DAMN THEM ALL TO HELL!

A Good Day To Die Hard drops down to number five and these have become like the Planet of the Apes series…except those didn’t drag out over twenty years and were still entertaining up until the end.  What’s really sad is that Bruce Willis actually does the aging action hero shtick fairly well in RED, which has apparently become another franchise for him. And he’ll be trotting it out again for GI Joe 2 this year.  Basically, every other film he’ll be releasing this year will be better than this.

 

FELICITY IS A SOVIET SPY

Dark Skies aka “Felicity In A Haunted House” opens at number six and you know things are bad when you make a genre picture, which is usually money in the bank and it still fails.  Lucky for Keri Russell, The Americans has not only gotten good reviews but has already been given a second season.  Maybe try a kid’s film next time.

 

I HAVE A LIFE, DAMNIT!

The Silver Linings Playbook actually rises to number seven and fine, I didn’t see it. I probably never will. Are you happy now!?!  I predict the woman playing the mother will be a Best Supporting Actress upset.  That’s usually where it occurs.

 

THE IRONY OF ZOMBIES BEATING WITCHES CONTINUES

Warm Bodies is down to number eight, followed by Side Effects at number nine and closing out the top ten is Beautiful Creatures and probably the most interesting thing about this movie is the fact the lead actress is Jane Campion’s daughter and honestly that’s not very interesting.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: