THE 80’S ARE DEAD. THANK GOD.

3 Feb

A-378

1. Warm Bodies/Summit                              Wknd/$  19.5              Total/$  20.0

2. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters           Wknd/$   9.2                Total/$  34.5

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein               Wknd/$   8.1                 Total/$  80.4

4. Mama/Universal                                      Wknd/$   6.7                  Total/$  58.3

5. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                            Wknd/$   5.3                  Total/$  77.8

6. Bullet To The Head/Warners                 Wknd/$   4.5                  Total/$    4.5

7. Parker/                                                         Wknd/$   3.2                 Total/$   12.4

8. Django Unchained/Weinstein                Wknd/$   3.0                 Total/$ 151.0

9. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   2.4                  Total/$ 141.5

10.Lincoln/Touchstone                                 Wknd/$   2.4                  Total/$ 170.8

NO ONE EVER WROTE A HIT SONG ABOUT ONE

Warm Bodies opens at number one and apparently zombies are truly the new vampires.  Yeah, I know zombies have always been somewhat successful going back to Night of Living Dead and the Walking Dead has white-hot for two years now, but when you’re making teen romantic comedies and still making money then you are definitely the shit.  I’ll admit this looked appealing but there’s just one thing: I DON’T LIKE ZOMBIES! Never have.  I simply don’t see the appeal or rotting, flesh-eating corpses.  I get ghosts, I get vampires, I get werewolves, I get monsters from space or a lab, but I simply do not get zombies.  Clearly I’m alone in this.

SOMEWHERE COLIN FARRELL IS NOT HAPPY

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is down to number two and it was just three years ago Jeremy Renner was happy to have a TV show. Now he’s all but solidified as a tiny action leading man (when you’re cast opposite Colin Farrell and Tom Cruise, you’d didn’t play center high school).  This is five in a row for him in a run that started with The Town and continued on through Mission Impossible 4, The Avengers and The Bourne Legacy.  No, The Hurt Locker does not count. It’s still the lowest grossing film ever to win Best Picture.  He actually got the TV job after doing that film and it’s probably still sitting in your Netflix queue unwatched.

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH

Silver Linings Playbook is down to number three and my other reason for not seeing this is I just can’t accept that anything with Chris Tucker is worth a second of my time.  The Fifth Element is the exception that proves the rule as he’s supposed to be an annoying jerk in that.  Unlike other films where that crap is actually supposed to be funny.

YOU’RE SO 1988

Mama is down to number four, followed by Zero Dark Thirty at number five and Bullet To The Head opening poorly at number six and Stallone is learning the lesson that Schwarzenegger learned last week: the 80’s are over.  You thought Stallone knew, which is why he stacked the deck with The Expendables, but clearly he thought it meant he was A-list again.  He was wrong.  It doesn’t help that this is a film that’s straight out of the 80’s. Every woman with a speaking role does a nude scene. You don’t get more 80’s than that.  What makes movies like this so frustrating is that a tweak here and there and it’s a decent action flick.  A hitman is double-crossed and has to team up with the only honest cop in a corrupt town to take down the bad guy.  Your first problem is the honest cop is just continually a moron. He actually instigates the team-up but continues to yap on about morality rather than being a good man in a bad situation forced to make hard choices.  When Stallone kills a man he helped kidnap, he’s down for murder, period.  We should see inner conflict and turmoil.  Instead he keeps preaching how Stallone is a criminal and he’s going to have to take him down eventually.  But this has been the story of Stallone’s action movie career.  Potentially serviceable action movies ruined by either laziness or incompetence or both. Even Sarah Shahi’s long-awaited (by me at least) nude scene is poorly done and how do you screw that up!?!  They found a way.

HIS GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT IS MARRYING HELEN MIRREN

Parker is down to number seven and you’d think Taylor Hackford could make a better movie than this, but then you look at his resume and realize it’s mostly crap and this is actually par the course.  For every Ray there’s an Everybody’s All American, Blood In Blood Out, Delores Claiborne and Devils Advocate.  Only rarely do we get flawed fun like Against All Odds, Proof of Life and An Officer & A Gentleman.  This is not flawed fun.  This goes in the crap file.

UNLIKE SALLY FIELD, NO ONE LIKES YOU

Django Unchained is down to number eight, followed by Les Miserables at number nine and Anne Hathaway whom I normally love may have just campaigned her way out of an Oscar.  First of all, Best Supporting Actress is always an upset, so as the favorite you weren’t going to win anyway.  It was Jacki Weaver before and now with the hard push you’ve nailed the coffin shut on that. Congrats, Jacki!

“HAS NO GRAD POINT AVERAGE”

Finally, Lincoln returns to the top ten at number ten and also in this is Bruce McGill and it always amuses me to see him in anything, much less big, A-list Oscar nominated fare.  Why? Because he was none other than D-Day in Animal House.

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