YO’ MAMA

20 Jan

uptown-kerry-washington-decjan13-3a-585x780

1. Mama/Universal                                        Wknd/$ 28.1              Total/$   21.1

2. Zero Dark Thirty/Sony                             Wknd/$  17.6             Total/$  55.9

3. Silver Linings Playbook/Wein                Wknd/$  11.4              Total/$   55.3

4. Gangster Squad/Warners                        Wknd/$   9.1               Total/$  32.2

5. Broken City/Fox                                         Wknd/$   9.0              Total/$    9.0

6. A Haunted House/                                    Wknd/$   8.3               Total/$  30.0

7. Django Unchained/Weinstein                 Wknd/$   8.2              Total/$ 138.0

8. Les Miserables/Universal                        Wknd/$   7.8               Total/$ 130.0

9. The Hobbit/WB                                          Wknd/$   6.5               Total/$ 287.0

10. The Last Stand/LGF                                 Wknd/$   6.3               Total/$     6.3

MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME

Mama opens at number one and with Zero Dark Thirty behind it at number two Jessica Chastain is officially a star.  Granted, the real star of a genre film is the genre itself and you could have had Denise Richards starring in this and it probably would still be number one, but her ascending star and nominations probably got the number of screens for this bumped up and the interest of a few people who wouldn’t have see it otherwise.  The other star in a genre film is occasionally the creator behind it.  When fans see “from the people who brought you ____” they know what they’re getting and they flock to it.  In this case it’s Guillermo Del Toro, a man of amazing visuals and crap stories. Sorry, but when your most coherent movie is Blade 2, you need to back away from the keyboard and let someone else handle it.  Yes, I know he’s only a producer here, but like Lucas even that tends to be too much.  I wouldn’t know because as we all know, I don’t do the scary and incompetent though it probably is, there looked to be some potential for genuine creepiness going here and that’s too much for me. Though I would have liked to have seen Jessica Chastain with black hair, tats and cleavage. Yes, now that she’s a certified star, we can begin to objectify her.

THE CURSE OF COACH TAYLOR

As mentioned before, Zero Dark Thirty holds the #2 position and also in this is Kyle Chandler who’s also in Agro, so clearly it’s his fault neither director received a nomination despite their films being nominated for best picture.

YOU’RE MUCH TOO YOUNG GIRL

Silver Linings Playbook jumps up to number three thanks to an expanded release and Gloden Globe wins.  I finally figured out why I can’t bring myself to see this: I HATE the trope of older men being emotionally healed by a younger woman. I once read an article that roasted every other French film for ending with a salt & pepper haired man arguing with his 20-something girlfriend until she bared her breasts to him then he sighed with a smile and they lived happily ever after.   A friend tried to argue the point that Jennifer Lawrence is in fact the emotionally older person here and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that’s ALWAYS HOW IT IS! It’s part of the trope that “ironically” it’s a younger woman that finally helps him mature. Clearly this ability leaves a woman after she turns 25. The closer her breasts and ass get to the ground the less an impact she can have on a man’s emotional state.  And no, this doesn’t strike too close to home. I hated this in my 20’s too. Now, I certainly wouldn’t turn down any 20-something hottie who wanted to heal my troubled geek soul, but I’d have the decency to be ashamed of it and I wouldn’t make you pay to watch.

EXACTLY HOT MANY HUSKY VOICED REDHEAD ROLES ARE THERE?

Gangster Squad is down to number four and how long before we’re able to look at Emma Stone and not think her career is based mainly on the implosion of Lindsay Lohan’s?  And honestly, Lindsay Lohan would have been so much more believable as a girl mixed up with a mobster.  Emma Stone looks like she’s in her high school production of Guys & Dolls.  She and Sean Penn sit right next to Nicole Kidman & Dustin Hoffman in Billy Bathgate in terms of believability.  Even Angelina Jolie & Timothy Hutton had greater credibility in Playing God.

IT’S A WONDERFUL TOWN. THE BRONX IS UP AND THE BATTERY’S DOWN.

Broken City opens at number at five and I’ve a weakness for films clearly shot in NYC, but an utter hatred of films shot in NYC by people who clearly don’t know a damn about it. You can tell from the trailer it’s “Generic City” by the way they shoot it.  Every other romantic comedy suffers from this in that there’s nothing about this that says NYC other than them telling you it is.  The other obstacle? Russell Crowe clearly choosing his roles based on how weird his hair can be.  Dude, you’re not Nicholas Cage and his collection of hairpieces.  Or are you?

GET IT WHILE YOU’RE HOT!

Haunted House is down to number five, followed by Django Unchained at number six and as the female lead in this is Kerry Washington, who honestly should be everywhere given she’s in a hit Oscar nominated movie and has a hit TV series.  Girl, you need a new publicist.  Halle Berry’s stranglehold on being “the black female” lead has got to be weakened by now. She hasn’t had a hit since the last X-Men movie (No, being one of the million stars in New Year’s Eve does not count).  Zoe Saldana failed in her chance to take title thanks to her very own Catwoman in Colombiana.  Someone has to grab it. It might as well be you. By my count this is your second chance, because your first was back when Ray came out.

HERE’S A THOUGHT: STOP TRYING TO SING

Les Miserables is down to number eight and I just realized this gives Russell Crowe two movies in the top ten and strangely neither of which make him any hotter as a star. Granted he had his moment and has his Oscar, but does anyone look at him as “the” male lead any longer the way they still do Clooney?

IT’S LIKE JACKASS, BUT WITH BULLETS AND LESS PLOT

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is down to number nine, followed by The Last Stand opening at number ten and talk about humbling. If you thought you could just walk right back into it, Arnold, you were sorely mistaken. Granted cameos in The Expendibles were the right move, but this lame, sleepwalk of a movie was as wrong as wrong can get.  First of all, it looks cheap, which isn’t the same thing as “spartan” as a no frills kind of gritty action movie isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Second, it’s a premise utterly lacking in any kind of suspense.  How seriously are we taking a driving druglord. If he’s so bad-ass why is he driving!?!  Where’s his private jet?  For that matter where are the jets of the authorities who know exactly where he’s headed!?!  Even for action fans there is such a thing as too stupid.  Finally, the other name above the title is Johnny Knoxville.  Even Bruce Willis has learned he needs someone young and hot to help him now. It’s called “The Sean Connery Rule” and his younger c0-stars were people like Alec Baldwin, Kevin Costner, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes and Lawrence Fishburne.  The only thing Johnny Knoxville has in common with them is gender and a pulse.

Advertisements

One Response to “YO’ MAMA”

  1. turafish January 20, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

    You get a like just for the Genesis video

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: