ONE RING TO BORE THEM ALL

17 Dec

tom-jones_275w

1. The Hobbit/WB                                          Wknd/$  84.8           Total/$   84.8

 2. Rise of the Guardians/PDW                    Wknd/$    7.4            Total/$   71.4

 3. Lincoln/Touchstone                                  Wknd/$    7.2            Total/$  107.9

 4. Skyfall/Sony                                                Wknd/$    7.0            Total/$  272.4

 5. Life of Pi/Fox                                               Wknd/$    5.4           Total/$   69.6

 6. Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2                       Wknd/$    5.2           Total/$  276.9

 7. Wreck-It-Ralph/Disney                             Wknd/$    3.3           Total/$  168.8

 8. Playing For Keeps/FD                                Wknd/$    3.2           Total/$   10.8

 9. Red Dawn/FD                                              Wknd/$    2.4           Total/$   40.9

10. Silver Linings Playbook/Weinstein        Wknd/$    2.0           Total/$   17.0

 

HEY, KIDS. DO YOU LIKE WATCHING FANTASY CHARACTERS WALK? A LOT?

If Steven Spielberg and Ben Affleck were worried about Peter Jackson’s return to Middle Earth being their Oscar competition, they can stop. Hell, it might not even take all the technical awards in a year of Prometheus and The Avengers.  Sorry, but there’s nothing here we haven’t seen before and none of it is presented in a way that makes it more interesting than the last time we saw Gandalf, a hobbit and a band of warriors set off on a quest (complete with a quick stop by the elf hut). In fact the most interesting thing about this particular quest is its unseen subject: the gold loving dragon that drives the dwarves from their homeland.  Much has been made over Peter Jackson choosing to shoot at faster frame rate…much by very few as the average person could really care less and all it really accomplishes is to reveals the illusion to be an illusion.  When something isn’t real, the last thing you need to do is put a magnifying glass on it. At times the combination of the clarity and 3D (which I hate, but it was a free screening and beggars can’t be choosers) makes it look like one of those old Viewmaster slides.  Yeah, it’s clearly three dimensions, but not in a way you like. But these are just technicalities; the real disappointment is the story.  The Ring Trilogy made three films from three books. The Hobbit is three films from one book and it’s padded like an infant’s car seat.  It has not one but two preludes and takes almost an hour to get going, most of that is hanging out in the shire with the aged Bilbo we met in the first LOTR movie as he prepares for the party we saw and writes his memoirs to give to Frodo (who cameos of course). Then we meet the younger Bilbo and the 13 dwarves who he will accompany on their quest and we watch them eat and sing.  How can I be convinced of the urgency of their quest if the filmmakers aren’t?  When it finally kicks into gear with battles with giant trolls, pale goblins and the old standby murderous orcs, it’s entertaining enough but burdened by an overwhelming “sameness.”  Only Andy Serkin adds a new, more dangerous edge to a younger Gollum. It’s not a bad movie, but then again, it’s not a movie at all; only part of one.

 

NOT THAT OLIVIA MUNN CARES

The Rise of the Guardians holds at number two and also in this as the voice of Jack Frost is Chris Pine who supposed to be a hot, young star, but isn’t really because Captain Kirk is like James Bond. The character is the star, not the actor.  Not to mention his post Star Trek choices have all been bad. But if you think JJ Abrams is a good director, I guess it makes sense you think a movie with McG is a good idea.  Making a movie with Denzel Washington was a good move, but again, he got all the credit.  After all, no one thinks Safe House made money because of Ryan Reynolds.

 

BY THE WAY THE HURT LOCKER WAS A FLOP

Lincoln actually rises to number three due to the beginning of awards season and now everyone now has to see why something got nominated.  This is why the initial box office returns on “Oscar bait” tend not to matter. No one expects it to make money until the nominations and awards come in.  Though the people behind The Master may be waiting a good long time.  It’s not an exact science and all the awards in the world can’t help something people could give a shit about filled with unattractive actors.

 

FUCK YOU, PAY ME

Skyfall is down to number four and also in this is Albert Finney and again, it’s a mark of the new Bond that “real” actors agree to be in them now, even in smaller roles.  It’s notable because Finney was a star back when the Bond films first started in the early 60’s and has probably been looking down his nose at them for 50 years, though not without merit. Finney plays someone who knew Bond when he was a boy…in Scotland. Yeah, keep sucking up to Sean Connery, producers. What he wants is the money owe him, not your slurping.

 

PROBABLY AT GUNPOINT

Life of Pi holds at number five and someone is going to have to make me see this. It’s not happening any other way.

 

AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ACTORS WHORES

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is down to number five and this final chapter was directed by Bill Condon, but it’s not the first time a “real” director has surprisingly signed up for a franchise.  Alfonso Curaon did one of the Harry Potter films, Michael Apted did Chronicles of Narnia, Paul Greengrass stepped into Jason Bourne and Sam Mendes just did James Bond.  Hey, house payments don’t make themselves.

 

DON’T HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING ON THAT PAC MAN MOVIE

Wreck It Ralph holds at number seven and if you think this is some kind of megahit, think again. It cost $164M to make and has only made $226M worldwide. That’s not even doubling its budget, so it hasn’t even broken even.  You’d think this is surprising given how the world loves video games but this is about arcade games, when most kids today have never even been to one. I doubt if they even got the Qbert joke.

 

I GOT MINE!  I’M OUT!

Playing for Keeps is down to number eight and this also has Catherine Zeta Jones and has she done much since winning her Oscar?  It’s like she got it and stopped caring.  Yeah, she had a baby, but since when has that stopped anyone?  She’s making one film a year if you’re lucky since Chicago. It’s been three films this year, but if this is her idea of a comeback, it’s not working (Playing the Favorite and Rock of Ages were the other two).

 

FOCK THAT BEN STILLER

Red Dawn holds onto number nine like a barnacle, followed up by Silver Linings Playbook re-entering at number ten.  This also benefitted from the Golden Globe nominations this week.  This is actually the second teaming of Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro (the first being Limitless) who has realized this young man earns him both money and respect, unlike Ben Stiller who just made him money.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: