THANKS FOR ‘NUTHING!

25 Nov

 

 

1. Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2                      Wknd/$  141.3            Total/$  141.3

 2. Skyfall/Sony                                               Wknd/$   41.5             Total/$  161.3

 3. Lincoln/Touchstone                                  Wknd/$   21.0            Total/$   22.4

 4. Rise of the Guardians/PDW                    Wknd/$   24.0            Total/$   32.6

 5. Life of Pi/Fox                                               Wknd/$   22.0           Total/$   22.0

 6. Wreck-It-Ralph/Disney                             Wknd/$   16.8           Total/$  149.5

7. Red Dawn/FD                                               Wknd/$   14.6            Total/$   14.9

 8. Flight/Paramount                                       Wknd/$    8.6            Total/$   74.9

 9. Silver Linings Playbook/W                       Wknd/$    4.6            Total/$    6.4

 10. Argo/Warners                                            Wknd/$    3.9            Total/$   98.1

 

SPINSTER? I NEVER SAID THAT.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 holds at number one, which is actually surprising over a long holiday weekend, but I suppose whatever keeps the teenagers (and your older, lonely female friends) off the street.

 

ANOTHER ROLE WHERE HE NEVER SMILES

Skyfall holds at number two and also in this is Ralph Fiennes and the other thing about the new Bond is that it attracts “real” actors in a way the others rarely did.  Yeah, you might get a Christopher Walken, but basically playing a cartoon character.  Otherwise the best you had was Judi Dench who was mostly likely there for shits and giggles.  But now you’ve had Jeffery Wright as the new Felix, Mads Mikkelsen and now Javier Bardem as villains and now Ralph Fiennes as the man who’ll take M’s job if she doesn’t clean up the mess the film opens with.  What’s great about this is that now older, balding and with a little paunch, Fiennes looks like an actual government official. The irony being, back when he was thinner and more hirsute, his name came up to play Bond.

 

FROM THE SHATNER SCHOOL OF ACTING…HAIR REPLACEMENT AND FITNESS

Lincoln holds at number three and the breakout star of this is none other than James Spader who clearly relishes his new look and role as character actor. Again, balding and not just paunchy but borderline fat, Spader shines as one of a trio of—yes—lobbyists hired by Lincoln to dole out positions in his second term as basically bribes to help ratify the amendment to end slavery.  What’s sad about this is that it also ends his run of playing the best perverts ever.  That calm WASP demeanor worked very well with guys who liked to have sex after wrecking cars or spanking his secretary.  Then again, now that he looks like a high school principal it might make it even kinkier, though not as attractive to watch.

 

YOU AND JIMMY STEWART CAN KISS MY ASS!

Rise of the Guardians opens at a disappointing four.  How exactly does an animated kids holiday movie not open at number one over a long holiday weekend?  Maybe it’s because they made The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy slightly creepy.  Especially The Tooth Fairy who has a creepy job to begin with if you think about it.  This piqued my interest slightly but ultimately not enough to actually go and clearly many people felt the same way.  But I personally have a dislike of holiday movies, which the world clearly does not share. I mean, I’ve never seen It’s A Wonderful Life and have no intentions on altering that.

 

SHUT UP AND MAKE MORE TERMINATOR MOVIES

Life of Pi opens at number five and while it’s such clear Oscar bait and I have to see it, I’m resisting because I’m growing to fucking hate James Cameron and his love of 3D.  Watching him trumpet this movie where his company’s technology was used just made me angry.  Notice how he never talks about the books he’s read to become a better writer which would seem important given he writes all his movies which tend to suck heavily in the writing department.  He can dive to the bottom of the ocean but he can’t find the time for one of Syd Field’s books to try and create characters you give a flying shit about.  Yes, I know that this is actually from Ang Lee who does know how to do just that, but such is my irrational hate for Cameron these days that his presence taints this entire enterprise. Needless to say, I will not be seeing it in fucking 3D.

 

THERE ARE ACTUALLY A LOT OF SONGS ABOUT CANDY

Wreck It Ralph is down to number six and I bought the theme song for the Sugar Rush game in the movie the day after seeing it because it would not leave my mind. It’s exactly like the title suggests: sweet, filled with empty calories and you can’t get enough of it.  Then again, it’s Japanese pop and it’s seemingly all like that.  In fact I think only the main chorus is in English and heavily accented English at that. “S-U-G-A-R/jump into your racing car/say sugar rush…”  Seriously, that’s it.

 

AS YOU KNOW, NOTHING STOPS A UNICORN

Red Dawn opens at number seven and this was stupid the first time around when it was the Soviet Union coming to America and learning not to mess with ‘mericans!  It’s twice as stupid now because Hollywood is so afraid of offending the debt-owning Chinese the logical villains of the technically still communist China was changed to…North Korea?  No, I’m not kidding. You’re supposed to believe that North Korea has invaded the United States of America successfully and without Chinese support.  Why don’t they just fly unicorns in? It would be just as improbable and much more interesting to watch. The real question is who will arise out of this version’s cast of young people?  The first had a who’s who of the 80’s young Hollywood: Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen and Jennifer Gray.  Chris Hemsworth is already knocking on the door of A-list Hollywood thanks to Thor, The Avengers and Snow White & The Huntsman, but else amongst the young actors you’ve seen before but have forgotten (for sadly obvious reasons) will also make it out alive with their careers intact because the first was greeted about as well as this one has been and there more in the original than the five actors I mentioned.  You don’t know any of them because they all have other jobs now.

 

A CANADIAN JOHN GOODMAN IF YOU WILL…

Flight is down to number eight and also in this is THE supporting actor, John Goodman. No matter how bad the film may be, he’ll always be good. And if your film is good, he just makes it better.  Just like him and also in this movie is Bruce Greenwood and given his more traditional good looks you wonder why he’s not a bigger star.  His shot at the brass ring was 13 Days, the story of the Cuban Missile Crisis where he played Kennedy. He deserved an Oscar nod, but the movie was more about the character that Kevin Costner and his bad Boston accent played so that’s all people focused on…when they refused to go see it.

 

RAGING BULL OR ROCKY & BULLWINKLE?

Silver Linings Playbook enters the top ten at number nine and this is also more Oscar bait for my list, but this I actually look forward to seeing.  It’s gotten good reviews so far so I’m hopeful, not so much for myself as Robert DeNiro who has made a lot of shitty movies as of late to the point I’m worried about his reputation because he’s got a hill of sheer greatness and a mountain of ultimate crap.  After all, he was only in one Godfather film, but three films with Ben Stiller.

 

WE’LL BE BACK, MATT DAMON!

Finally, Argo closes out the top ten at number ten, but expect it to bounce back when Oscar nods come out. Not that it needs it.  $148M worldwide from a $45M is not only a successful film but absolutely amazing for a historical drama set in the 70’s that’s basically a bunch of people talking.

 

 

 

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