NOT SIMPLY A “FAILURE” BUT “TYLER PERRY’S FAILURE”

21 Oct

 

 

1. Paranormal Activity 4/Parmount            Wknd/$  30.0            Total/$  30.2

 2. Argo/Warners                                              Wknd/$   16.6            Total/$  43.2

 3. Hotel Transylvania/Sony                           Wknd/$   13.5            Total/$ 119.0

 4. Taken 2/Fox                                                  Wknd/$   13.4            Total/$ 106.0

 5. Alex Cross/Summit                                      Wknd/$   11.8            Total/$  11.8

 6. Sinister/Summit                                           Wknd/$    9.0            Total/$  32.0

 7. Here Comes The Boom/Sony                     Wknd/$    8.5            Total/$  23.2

 8. Pitch Perfect/Universal                               Wknd/$    7.0            Total/$  45.8

 9. Frankenweenie/Disney                               Wknd/$    4.4            Total/$  28.3

10. Looper/TriStar                                             Wknd/$    4.2            Total/$  57.8

 

THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL

As you well know, I don’t do the scary.  Not good scary, not bad scary, not bloodless nail-biting suspense scary and not super graphic torture porn scary. None of it. So I’ve seen none of these Paranormal Activity movies and I’m not going to start now.  Clearly I’m alone in this as the fourth in this series opens at number one.  But if you’re looking for someone to blame, know that for the first movie Steven Spielberg advised them to an ending that allowed for sequels.  So along with Shia LeBeouf and Robert Zemeckis, you can add this to his list of crimes.  But I suppose this beats a new freaking Saw movie every year.  Barely.

 

SCHADENFREUDE: IT’S A WAY OF LIFE

Argo or as it’s know around the Affleck household, “I got your Bourne right here, pally,” holds onto number two while Hotel Transylvania actually rises to number three and again I must hold this against ParaNorman.  Guys you didn’t even try.  But this isn’t the hit you think it is.  With an $85M budget $119M isn’t that great and even with overseas returns of $68M it hasn’t reached the break-even point (usually twice the budget) so my little black heart feels a touch of joy.

 

ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER

Taken 2 is down to number three and back for an easy paycheck is Famke Janssen as Liam Neeson’s ex-wife, who has clearly dumped her husband from the first movie, in the face of Neeson’s sheer daughter-rescuing manliness.  Geek Connection: She did at least two indie films with Jon Favreau back when that was his thing so you have to wonder if she encouraged him to hop on the comic book money train, because she wound up in the X-Men franchise while he followed to helm the first two Iron Man films as well as co-starring as Happy Hogan (he’ll be back in the role for 3, though not directing).

 

SCHADENFREUDE PART DEUX

Alex Cross opens poorly at number five and this was doomed from the moment anyone anywhere decided Tyler Perry should be the lead, taking over a role after none less than Morgan fucking Freeman.  If that weren’t bad enough Idris Elba was originally announced as the new Alex Cross.  Who the hell goes from sex-on-two-legs Idris Elba to a man best known for bad movies where he wears a dress!?!  Seriously. He’s not even good-looking, much less a good actor.  But someone somewhere saw he made a lot of money starring and thought it was just translate. Uh, no.  Because I cannot stand Tyler Perry or his minstrel show movies and TV series this tanking kinda made my weekend. Haters gon’ hate!

 

A DOLL’S HOUSE…OF DEATH

Sinister is down to number six and I can only think Ethan Hawke is only here for some quick genre movie cash so he can continue to do his theater work.  It only cost $3M and has made $31M so it seriously paid off.  I hope he negotiated for some of the backend because that will pay for a lot of Ibsen. God knows I won’t even though it’s only six blocks away and I know the theater manager.

 

BLAKE LIVELY AS JULIET?

Here Comes The Boom is down to number seven and also in this is Henry Winkler and there’s a soft spot in my heart for him. Not simply because he was The Fonz, but because he when he was briefly a superstar, he once did one of those TV shows designed to introduce kids to Shakespeare and sure enough I read my first Shakespeare play after seeing it.  So I guess what I’m saying is, you had your chance and you blew it, Zac Efron.

 

PTICH PERFECT 2: EVEN MORE UTTERLY SOULESS RENDITIONS OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS

Pitch Perfect is down to number eight and this is actually a small success.  With a budget of $17M ($10M was probably pure music licensing fees) it’s made $45M, which is only $6M shy of the “3x budget” rule that measures profit at the box office. So expect more “Glee” type movies and at the very least some direct-to-video sequels to this.  Let me put it this way: Bring It On has had four of them. 

 

THEY COULD HAVE CALLED THIS OLD YELLER 2. NO?

Frankenweenie is down to number nine and this has gotta hurt. How do you not make money with kid’s Halloween movie at Halloween?  When your main character is dead dog, that’s how (or you just wuss out like ParaNorman).  This personally was always my issue with Casper the Friendly Ghost. You don’t have a kid ghost without a dead kid somewhere.  And you can’t bring your dog back from the dead without having it die first which is not something most kids want to see. Even the little goth ones.

 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE CHICKEN COMES BACK IN TIME AND SHOOTS THE EGG?

Finally, Looper closes out the top ten at number ten and with a modest $30M budget this has made only $57 domestically, but overseas has brought in another $75M so it’s a hit.  I’d say it was a spoiler that Bruce Willis kills a lot of people but honestly who goes to a Bruce Willis movie and doesn’t expect that?  In any case so much of the movie revolves around actions that do and don’t change the past, but little thought is given to the fact that Bruce Willis basically comes back and wipes out the mob. Um, doesn’t that change the future a tad?  Also, the film opens with a similar incident happening where another Looper’s future self gets loose.  They say they can’t kill his younger self because that will screw up time, but they horrifically mutilate him until his future self comes back, because every time they take a finger or limb, the future self loses it.  It’s a great scene but then you have to ask, what about the two-legged, five-fingered life this guy has lead for the last 30 years. He clearly isn’t going to lead it now, so things have been changed.  At least the film is self-aware enough to make more than one joke about how thinking too much about time travel makes your head hurt.

 

“YA’LL” ALONE DOES NOT A SOUTHERNER MAKE

The Most Wonderful Time of the year is winding down as the last few new fall shows make their debut and I have to admit that—your usual bad southern accents aside—Nashville lives up to the hype. Not only is it a top notch soap opera with some nicely realized characters up meshing nicely with some wonderfully rendered near-caricatures (Powers Boothe may be the best nighttime soap villain since JR Ewing) but they accomplish the impossible: make you like country music.  Seriously, there’s a song at the end of the first episode that had everyone asking “What the hell is that!?!” (It’s called “If I Didn’t Know Better” and it’s from The Civil Wars and you can download a live version free from their website).  Now, it might be expected given the show’s music producer is T Bone Burnett and that it was created by Callie Khouri who happens to be his wife (and friggin’ JD Souther is a cast member), but A-listers in other areas come to TV every year to fail miserably.  Ask Steven Spielberg.  He’s been failing on TV since Amazing Stories in the 80’s and kept his streak going with Terra Nova and Smash last. Yes, Smash is coming back, but it’s still awful. I know because I watched every single episode.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: