WE’RE NOT GONNA WATCH IT

18 Jun

1. Madagascar 3/Dreamworks                        Wknd/$   35.5           Total/$ 120.5

 2. Prometheus/Fox                                           Wknd/$   20.2           Total/$  88.9

 3. Rock of Ages/Warners                                 Wknd/$   15.1            Total/$  15.1

 4. Snow White & The Huntsman/U              Wknd/$   13.8            Total/$ 122.6

 5. That’s My Boy/Sony                                     Wknd/$   13.0            Total/$  13.0

 6. MIB 3/Sony                                                    Wknd/$   10.0            Total/$ 152.7

 7. The Avengers/Disney                                    Wknd/$    8.8            Total/$ 586.7

 8. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel/Fox         Wknd/$    2.2            Total/$  35.1

 9. Moonrise Kingdom/Focus                            Wknd/$    2.2            Total/$    6.8

10. What To Expect When…/LGF                     Wknd/$    1.3            Total/$  38.8

 

THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO WATCH PORN

Madagascar 3 holds at number one followed by Prometheus at number two and by now you probably have heard about the movie’s greatest failing: Charlize Thereon and Idris Elba have sex off camera.  What. The Fuck?  Seriously, what the fuck!?!  What is the point in casting the pretty people if we’re not going to see them either naked or fucking or naked and fucking?  Don’t tell me they were the best actors for the job either. That’s bullshit.  I like them both, but world is filled with better ones and we wouldn’t have been put through Elba’s unnecessary southern drawl. Apparently in Alien movies it’s okay to have monsters that are not only phallic and vaginal but usually both at the same time, but to have a non-violent interaction between a phallus and a vagina is inappropriate.  What this says about Ridley Scott I don’t want to know.  Just know that a planned sex scene with Russell Crowe and Conie Nielsen was cut by him as well.

 

KILLING THE 80’S ALL OVER AGAIN

Rock of Ages opens at number three and whenever I have to ask myself why I need to see a film, it’s a pretty good sign that I simply don’t want to see that film.  Rock of Ages is one such film.  The Broadway show it’s based upon is literally blocks away from my house and despite a love of cheesy 80’s hair metal I’ve never had the slightest inclination to see it.  Granted, I don’t care about theater in general but this was something aimed at me and I still didn’t care.  I guess the reasons why are the same reasons most people have for not seeing this movie: I don’t want to hear “Glee” versions of a song I like.  “Pour Some Sugar on Me” doesn’t have some deep emotional connection to anyone with an IQ above room temperature, but by the same token no one wants to hear Tom Cruise do it or see it attached a situation to it that conflicts with our own memories associated with it (which is usually too many sake bombs at karaoke a decade ago that led to that one-night stand with a co-worker).  My other reason is their song choices.  Def Leppard is great; David Lee Roth’s solo material? Not so much.  Seriously. Not Van Halen but that solo shit he did.  Is “Yankee Rose” here too?  And Starship’s “We Built This City” is one of the worse fucking songs of the 80’s (if not all time) and justified every lawsuit Paul Kanter launched to stop the group after he left (it was originally Jefferson Airplane, then became Jefferson Starship, then Starship after the lawsuit).  All the hair metal of the 80’s from Ratt to Warrant to Motley Crue to Winger and this is the shit they chose?  Even the Bon Jovi song they chose isn’t one of the fun ones.  Yes, I hate “Wanted Dead or Alive” and I’m sure I’d hate it even more coming out of the mouth of Tom Cruise.

 

AT LEAST HE HAS AN EXCUSE: HE’S CANADIAN

Snow White & The Huntsman is down to number four and it’s not often I quote from the internet, but I have to give to give it up here for the blogger who called Kristen Stewart “the Keanu Reeves of this generation.”  Seriously. It’s perfect.  A big block of wood that sits motionless through virtually every film, but is oddly insanely successful. Okay, maybe not so odd. When someone is such a blank slate it allows audience members to easily superimpose themselves on top of them. Not that it works for everyone, as Sam Worthington can attest, but clearly there’s  “blank” and there’s “blank.”  But at least Keanu was pretty.  Stewart’s attractive at best but has one mega-franchise under her belt and they’re talking sequel to this.  I mean, it’s not gonna happen, but that they’re even talking it is amazing.

 

THIS STILL DOESN’T EXCUSE THE AMERICAN PIE FRANCHISE

That’s My Boy opens at number five and in my day a movie team up between two generations of Saturday Night Live members gave you Trading Places.  You poor bastards get this shit.  The only saving grace is that once upon a time this would have opened at number one.  It’s only number five, continuing the world’s utter resistance to Andy Samberg as a big screen star and perhaps letting Sandler know his time is finally running out as well.  So I guess what I’m saying is, I owe you one, all you otherwise tasteless fucking morons who sat this one out.

 

IF I DON’T SEE IT THE TERROISTS WIN!

Men In Black 3 is down to number six, followed by The Avengers at number seven and because a billion dollars isn’t enough money, this may get a “director’s cut” release in August and I hate the fact that I might see it because it will follow the logical concept that Captain America would be the center of the film, as the “stranger in a strange land” rather than Iron Man being more the focus because that was the biggest hit of the Marvel series of films and Robert Downey Jr is a bigger star.  Though nothing’s going to save that stupid plot.  Nothing.

 

THAT’S DAME JUDI DENCH WHOOPING THOR’S ASS

Speaking of hits, Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is down to number eight and in terms of dollars spent to dollars earned this actually beats The Avengers having made $117M worldwide from a $10M budget.  The Avengers has only made 7X its budget in comparison.

 

IT’S A MOVIE SURVIVAL MECHANISM

Moonrise Kingdom actually rises to number nine and I still can’t bring myself to see something that looks so precious and quirky I think I’ll vomit.

 

THERE IS NO “I” IN “FLOP ENSEMBLE”

Finally closing out the top ten is What To Expect When You’re Expecting and with a $37M budget and a $49M worldwide return, you won’t see Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez participating in another one of these.  Even crap like The Backup Plan doubled its budget and Bad Teacher was a flat out hit.  Why share failure when you can totally possess a hit?

 

NO LONGER WILL THEY CALL HIM “THE SHUT IN”

So, I’ve been making an effort to enjoy the cultural opportunities NYC all but drops on the heads of its citizens.  Seriously, you can’t walk down the fucking street without running into some festival or show opening (especially in the summer) which seems great, but really I just want to go to the grocery store without having to cross to the other side of the street.  So far I’ve just been going to museums and parks, but thanks to a friend who is on a mission to get me to go out dancing (good luck with that), I learned that performing at Summerstage was none other than a reunited Groove Theory. Now anyone who knows me knows that “Tell Me” by Groove Theory is my favorite R&B song of the 90’s bar none and that’s saying something.  I’ve even forced myself to follow lead singer Amiel Larrieux’s solo career as a result (“solo career” and “Bryce Wilson” simply don’t go together).  Thankfully, time has either healed old wounds or allowed them grow up enough to realize they were never as successful apart as they were together.  Personally, I think it’s Larrieux’s daughter hitting college age that made her realize it was time to get back to making some real money. Higher education isn’t cheap.  For this I needed someone my own age to come with me, but of course Yoga Woman who is my age and down for some R&B (she’s a white girl from Nebraska) has no memory of them.  Sigh. Nevertheless she was game for an outdoor show and ironically was a longtime devotee of another group on the bill, Black Thought.  Yeah, Groove Theory she’s never heard of, but when Black Thought hit the stage she shot up closer to the stage like a 13-year-old girl at a Justin Beiber concert.  You’re allowed to bring food into the venue, but not your own booze.  Thankfully the brutha in front of us knew a guy who worked security and advised us on how to properly smuggle in the bottle of Malbec I’d brought with me.  He was also hysterically adamant about the rules of concert going.  “You’re either upfront in the shark tank dancing in the crowd or in the kiddie pool sitting in the bleachers.”  It turned out to be unwarranted a warning. It was a very chill group. I wasn’t surprised, but Yoga Woman was, suggesting that the crowd was probably predominantly Brooklyn.  Yeah, right. When I think “peaceful gathering” I think of a bunch of muthafuckas from Brooklyn.  I told her it was probably a) Groove Theory didn’t attract a raucous type of crowd, b) anyone who loved them in 1995 is too damn old and tired to start trouble now and c) while I hate to stereotype my people, the NBA Finals were also on. When the show finally started it was my time to be a fan and move up to the front.  As always Amiel Larrieux’s enthusiasm continues to outweigh her talent and honestly both she and the music would be better served if she stopped trying to hit so many high notes and most of all scat.  It’s annoying when Christina Aguilera does it and she’s got a great voice.  Amiel is beautiful, has a nice enough voice and puts on a good show.  That’s three a lot of people don’t have so let it be enough. One Patti LaBelle is one too many for some people (i.e., my mom).  The voice that was unexpectedly impressive was that of her equally beautiful teenaged daughter, Skye, who performs with the band on keyboards and backing vocals.  It’s a richer version of her mother’s and hopefully when she starts performing she’ll have learned some restraint. I guess the reason I really dislike all the needless wailing like an American Idol contestant is that it not only stretches out a song, limiting the number they can perform (i.e., my personal favorites going unheard), but also wears her voice out so she can no longer hit the high notes on the one song everyone came to hear.  And honestly, doing a tribute to Donna Summer is nice, but again, only shows the light years of difference between her voice and yours.  Same for doing Maxwell’s “Ascension.”  Again, this meant fewer songs from your ONE ALBUM.  You should be playing the fucking thing in its entirety!  But since they’ve formally reunited hopefully that will no longer be an issue in the future.

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